Welcome back to Bachelor in Paradise. Get ready for some tear-inducing, bone-breaking fun because the Paradisers are getting skankier and stupider than ever before!

The episode kicks off with a “Very Special Message” from Chris Harrison. On this show, these special, behind-the-scenes looks can only mean one of two things: Someone got hurt or someone boinked a crew member. In this case, it was actually both!

Chris explained that Michelle K. left last week for a very different reason than we all think. (She claimed that she didn’t want to stay because she didn’t like any of the guys.) Chris revealed that right before filming began, Michelle struck up a “friendship” (and by friendship I mean she let him put his plug into her socket on the regular) with one of the show’s crew members.

After hollering across their balconies for awhile, Michelle finally let him in her room (and by ‘room’ I mean vagina). Things were going well until the show started and Michelle realized that she wanted to ditch out on ‘Paradise’ and get cozy with her crew guy (on ABC’s dime, naturally). That’s why she chose to leave. After bailing at the rose ceremony, she retreated back to her room where she proceeded to get down with her crew guy.

Unfortunately, a producer knocked on her door while they were in the middle of, um, talking and, fearing that he would lose his job for boinking the talent, crew guy decided to JUMP OFF THE BALCONY. He ended up breaking both legs but, fortunately for Michelle, his penis appears to be in tact.

Because this encounter was, unfortunately, not caught on camera they chose to reenact it with actors! No, seriously, that happened. Like, I’d love to hear how the guy hired to portray the crew guy explained the gig to his friends.

“Yeah, so I got an acting job on a major network. Be sure to look out for me, I’ll be the guy heaving myself six stories off a balcony with my pants down!”

(The Ashley did some more investigating into the curious case of Michelle and the balcony-jumping crew member. To learn more about Ryan Putz and what happened, click here!)

Over at Gonorrhea Island, the Paradisers are just waking up. Robert is unhappy that Lacy accepted Marcus’ rose (and penis) last week. They have since coupled up, leaving poor Robert alone to pout about the loss of his beloved. This week, the gals are giving out the roses, so the guys will be scrambling.

All of a sudden, Chris Bukowski strolls up the beach. He’s greeted by the guys and then goes into the girls’ hut to see which one he wants to bang that night. Elise is hoping that it will be her because he, and I quote, “smells real nice.” I mean, the fact that he doesn’t smell like rotting onions is, I guess, a plus, but the guy is questionable.

Meanwhile, the guys are unhappy that Chris is there because, well, he tends to steal all the loose girls away. He announces that he comes with a date card, and that he would like to take Clare on his date. She asks her to get ready and she informs him that she’s “totally ready” but that she can get “even more ready” if Chris would like. Ew.

Their date turns out to be a couples’ massage, which is awesome for Clare. She’s usually the one doing all the rubbing so it’s nice that she’ll have a chance to be groped for once. As they are being massaged, Clare reveals that she knows that Chris has a womanizing  reputation. He admits that he knows his way around a woman’s vajayjay better than a gynecologist but…he’s over that now.

Um…yeah, that’s why you came on this show. Because you don’t want to tramp it up with trampy girls. After their rubdown, they go out to Clare’s favorite place—the ocean—to frolic. For once, their dip in the water doesn’t require a Trojan UltraLite.

Meanwhile, Robert is still devastated that Lacy is now holding hands with Marcus on the beach, right in front of him. Robert is shocked that Lacy is acting “unclassy” about the whole thing.

Um…the chick had her bits and pieces wound around two guys’ junk within the first hour of being on the island. He said he is really upset because he “put himself out there” and “opened his heart” to Lacy and she chose Marcus.

Elise tells us that during all of this time, she and Dylan have been falling in love. Even though they haven’t gotten much camera time (because, well, there are much more attractive and slutty people to follow). Elise is head over heels for Dylan, but he tells us that he’s tired of being tied to this broad and is ready to go for an ocean romp with Clare. (Hey, at this point he’s basically the only guy in America that hasn’t had Clare hump him in the ocean.)

He tries to break the news to Elise that he’s “open to meet new people” and that he’s fine if Elise wants to go out with other dudes, but she’s not really able to see past their “amazing connection.” As she explains this, Dylan is hurrying to scratch “SOS” in the sand.

Just then, a date card arrives for Marcus. Robert contemplates throwing it away, because he knows he will take his syphilis-filled sweetheart, Lacy, with him. Marcus, does, indeed ask Lacy on the date, and she happily accepts. Robert’s heartbroken and says he’s tired of Lacy being “snaky” (more like skanky?)

Sarah tells us that she saw a “physical connection” between Lacy and Robert. She stresses “physical,” drawing out the syllables like Lacy after five wine coolers.

On the date, Marcus “puts it all out there” and tells Lacy that he’s glad Andi dumped his ass because, if she hadn’t, he would have never gotten to meet Lacy. (Thank goodness for that horrific striptease number he did during Hometowns!)

Marcus says he can totally see “having a future” with Lacy…provided she doesn’t wrap her legs around any other guys within the next week or so.

Back at the house, AshLee teaches us how to “YOPO,” that is—You Only Paradise Once. Well, unless you’re Chris Bukowski, and then you’ll ‘Paradise’ as many times as you can weasel yourself onto a ‘Bachelor’ spin-off.

Meanwhile, Elise is determined to make Dylan jealous. She puts on her most revealing swimsuit and decides to get down with Chris in the water. They’re kissing and rubbing each other in the waves, and Michelle Money decides to give play-by-play commentary of their encounter. She says she thinks Chris is unstable. Um..Girl, you are like 45 years old and still on this show. You probably don’t want to open the “stability” can of worms, do you?

Sarah says she’s “worried” for Elise. Don’t worry girl, that’s what penicillin is for! I’m sure Chris Harrison has stockpiles of that stuff. She says Elise is going to regret what she’s done with Chris.

The next day, Michelle Money tells Elise that she should pursue her connection with Chris, and Elise says that she’s looking to get married and have kids. (Well, you may have accomplished one of those goals last night out in the ocean with Chris, girl!) Michelle advises Elise to tell Dylan what she did with Chris, but Elise is worried.

Just then, the guys stroll up and Elise tells us that she doesn’t want to do other guys and that she wants Dylan. She tells Dylan that she kissed someone, and Dylan admits that it hurts him.

“I was thinking of you the whole time!” she declares.

UM?!?!?!?!?!? I just can’t! I can’t!

Dylan scolds her for kissing someone and tells us that kissing “means something” to him. He says this made him realize that this wasn’t going to work out.

Dylan is actually a genius.

Seriously.

He used the fact that she kissed some dude to get rid of the Stage 5 clinger! He couldn’t get rid of her the nice way, so he decided to act “so hurt” that he couldn’t possibly go on in their relationship.

Unfortunately, Dylan saying “this isn’t going to work out” and telling Elise not to give him a rose does little to deter her. In fact, she tells us after that this just proves how serious Dylan is about her and how much they are meant to be. It’s obvious to everyone in the house that Dylan isn’t into Elise…except for Elise, of course.

Clare tells us that seeing Chris get down with Elise in the water the night before grossed her out and made her feel like she’ll never find love in Paradise.

Just then, another guy comes strolling down the beach. It’s Zack, who’s apparently from Desiree’s season. Seriously, who is this guy? I couldn’t pick him out of a lineup. Do they check these people’s credentials to make sure they were on an actual season before letting them into this house? I’m fairly certain this guy was just walking on the beach, trying to buy some Chiclets and just happened to wander into the show’s taping.

Zack is trying to decide who to take on his date. He ultimately decides to take Clare because, well, guys usually go for the easy lay.

They head into town to go buy some Mexican junk. They try on sombreros, rattle some maracas and try some Spanish. This is why other countries hate us, people.

Next Clare puts on her bathing suit and they head—where else—out to the ocean. For real, Clare logs more hours in the ocean than the U.S. Coast Guard.

Back at the house, Chris is trying to get Elise to give him a rose at the next ceremony. He does this by talking to her and trying to convince her that Dylan is too bloated for her to care about. In fact, he nicknames Dylan “Fat Damon” and starts cracking up. (That makes one of us that thought that was funny.)

Dylan gets a date card and isn’t sure if he should take that hoebag Elise, or if he should try his luck with another girl. Elise, however, just assumes that he will take her and is even trying on outfits for the evening. She says that the “hurdle” they encountered is nothing compared to passion they share.

And then…Dylan asks Sarah to go on the date with him. Sarah, being a girl that is way too classy for this trash heap of a show, feels awkward and asks why he isn’t taking Elise. He says that because Elise is all skanky now, he wants to try to hang out with someone else. Sarah says she needs to think about it for a few minutes and heads back to the house. She informs Elise what Dylan did and Elise is, of course, devastated. (She already has an outfit picked out! How could this be?!)

Elise says it hurts even worse because she and Sarah are very close. Somehow, Elise manages to rationalize the fact that Dylan asks her best friend on a date instead of her as him just wanting to have a fun experience. She says him asking Sarah on the date means that he is still thinking of Elise.

She says this “bump in the road” is nothing to worry about, and that this will just prove that they can get through anything. I mean, at some point, who hasn’t had to “work through” their best friend dating the guy they are in love with? It just happens.

Girl, you need to go up into the beach clearing and have a heart-to-heart with a raccoon, ASAP.

Because the raccoon apparently peaced the hell out of the crazy zone last week, Elise is forced to talk to AshLee about it. “You’re crazy!” AshLee tells Elise. Seriously, if AshLee is telling you that you’re crazy—AshLee, who in some states would be strapped to a bed and/or at least wearing a straightjacket—you know you’re pathetic.

Hold up— are Ben and Marquel even on this show anymore? Did they get kidnapped by the Mexican drug cartel or something? They haven’t been seen in days. Can we get a welfare check on them?

Dylan and Sarah head out on their date. They go to dinner and Dylan tells Sarah that he thinks she’s beautiful, which makes her completely forget that her “best friend” is literally already picking out china patterns for her life with this dude. Dylan (and his sweat-curled bangs) tell Sarah that he wants to get to know her better.

Back on the beach, we get a sighting of both Marquel and Ben, which assures us that they are at least alive. Ben says that he’s desperate to find somebody—anybody—to love. As he’s saying that, a letter surfaces inside the house. Marcus shows Marquel a letter that he “found” after it “fell” (which means it was written by a producer and thrown on the ground so that one of these knuckleheads would find it) out of Ben’s bag. It’s from a girl named Lindsay, who wrote that she’s in love with Ben.

Marquel says he doesn’t like that Ben is wasting everybody’s time. Um…I’m pretty sure that everyone will still be able to accomplish the very important tasks of guzzling vodka drinks out of coconuts and humping Clare in the ocean, whether Ben has a girlfriend or not. The guys, however, can’t allow this atrocity to continue.

The confront Ben about the letter privately and Ben is obviously upset. Marcus says it’s not right for him to be there if he has a girlfriend, and Ben admits that he does, in fact, have a girl back home. Marcus accuses him of coming on the show just to be on TV.

Wait—someone came on this show just to be on TV and not to find love?! Whaaaaaaat!? But none of these people care about being famous, they all just want to find love, right?!

Finally, Ben confesses to the group that he does, in fact, have a girl back at home. Michelle Money immediately starts to cry, saying she left her nine-year-old to find…fame? Her rock bottom? She says she takes this seriously and that she’s disappointed. Imagine how your nine-year-old daughter feels, Michelle. You left her so you could go bone some dudes on the beach on national TV.

You can’t help but feel for Michelle. She spent two whole hours devoting herself to Ben. She’s doing this “for the right reasons” and is mad that Ben isn’t. She’s mad that Ben took the place of another guy that she could have been giving lap dances to in a hammock.

Ben says his heart is in Dallas and that he shouldn’t have come on the show. He also tells “Hollywood” that he is done with it. Um…he does know he’s in Mexico right? And that ‘Mexico’ isn’t just a city in ‘Hollywood?’

As soon as Ben admits that he has a girlfriend, the producers pull up in the Pity Van and shuttle him off. They didn’t even let him put his damn shirt on before throwing him into the van.

I’ll give you a moment to mourn the loss of Ben.

Michelle buries her head in her pillow, wailing that she will never find love because of what Ben did. Or something like that.

She soon recovers for the rose ceremony. She tells us that she’s now looking at Marquel to fill the void that Ben left. She goes and talks to him, and he flat out calls her a drunk. Seriously. He says, “I think that you like to drink and I’m not OK with that.” She feels judged and says it’s not fair for him to judge her after only knowing her a week. Um…so it’s OK for people to fall in love after a day or two but they can’t possibly assess how much you drink in seven days.

She kicks Marquel to the curb and Robert just “happens” to be walking by. He tells Michelle that she’s not a drunk and that’s she great and, well, basically anything he needs to ensure he gets to stay on Gonorrhea Island another week.

Meanwhile, Sarah is worried about what will happen with Elise and Dylan. Sarah likes Dylan, but she knows that Elise is planning to give Dylan a rose. He tells Sarah that he will deny Elise’s rose, should it be offered, but Sarah says she will feel bad giving him a rose because Elise is 1) her friend and 2) batsh*t crazy and will probably strangle her with a hair extension if she gives Dylan her rose.

Dylan takes Elise aside to see where her head is at. Dylan encourages her to pursue other guys and calls her a “great friend” and Elise still doesn’t know what he means. Can someone help Elise, please? Like maybe someone can make her some flashcards to help her understand that this guy wants nothing to do with her?

It’s time to hand out some roses! Chris says that the women will be giving out the flowers tonight, and that one of them will be going home because there is six girls and seven guys. Lacy goes first, and Marcus is confident that he will get hers. He’s right, and he gladly accepts Lacy’s rose. Next, AshLee gives her rose to Graham. Clare chooses Zack.

Michelle is still scorned by Marquel’s comment about her being a drunk, but she still gives him her rose. It’s time for Elise to give out her rose. She chooses Dylan and he tells her that he can’t accept it. He says that he wants them to just be friends and it looks like she finally gets it. She tells the group that she deserves a man that will fight for her. Then, she turns to Dylan and they legit start to play circus music as she rambles on. After rambling about “sickness and health” and every cliché in the book, she gives her rose to Chris. He accepts because, well, he’s a sleazeball.

Finally, it’s time for Sarah to hand out the final rose. It’s between Dylan and Robert, and both are hoping to get the rose. She chooses Robert, which sends Dylan home. Dylan looks shocked and hangs his head in sadness. (His sweaty bangs fall dramatically in his face.)

He bids the group farewell and Elise stands there smirking. He says that he feels good about his decision to not accept Elise’s rose because, well, that bitch be crazy. He looked down the road a few months and saw Elise sleeping on his lawn.

Next week, Marquel and some other broad will go on a date, and AshLee will creep the hell out of Graham. Michelle will hop onto Robert just a day after she proclaims her love for Marquel, and Chris will continue to be a jerk.

Wanna read The Ashley’s recap of last week’s premiere episode of ‘Bachelor in Paradise?’ Click here!

(Photos: ABC)