Welcome back to Paradise, guys! It’s time for these goons to further embarrass their parents/children/future spouses, so let’s get started!

We kick things off with Michelle Money, who is still bawling that Chris Bukowski gave her his throwaway rose when he left with Elise. She’s talking about the “amazing, beautiful gift” that Chris gave her that allowed her to stay on Gonorrhea Island. Seriously, he gave you a few more days to give handies in a hut, he didn’t buy your homeless mother a house or something. Let’s take it down a notch, shall we?

After she’s finally done Ugly Crying, the gang heads into the house, where they see that a date card has arrived for Robert. Michelle is still totally clueless and thinks that she still has a shot at getting into Robert’s pants, but is sad when Robert chooses Sarah for the date.

Michelle retreats into her room to start crying again and Graham realizes that he has to go over there and comfort her because, well, he doesn’t want Sarah to end up hooked up to life support in a Mexican hospital.

Michelle wails that she is alone and that she doesn’t understand why she never finds love. Um, well for starters, you’re always “putting yourself out there” on these crap-ass shows and trying to throw yourself at nasty guys. Graham tells her there are millions of guys that would love to date her, but Michelle insists that there’s something wrong with her. Michelle then decides that the reason these toolbags aren’t trying to bone her is because she’s a mother.

The next morning is Sarah’s date with Robert. She decides to pour some salt into Michelle’s wound by asking her to do her hair. “It’s was like, daggers to the heart,” Michelle tells us. “Just shove it in, and twist it.”

That’s usually how Michelle kicks off a morning, apparently.

She puts her own feelings for Robert aside and braids Sarah’s hair for her date. It’s nice that Michelle was able to do the hairstyling despite the fact that she wants to cut Sarah. Robert picks Sarah up right in front of Michelle, which makes her feel even more like someone’s spinster aunt.

Robert and Sarah, who is sporting yet another one-piece bathing suit, head out on a sailboat. They talk about how the people that don’t have dates are basically screwed, and Sarah says that whoever comes next will get stuck with Michelle.

Sarah is in “Sarahdise” as she and Robert frolic in the ocean, and Robert tells us he thinks it’s remarkable that Sarah still wants to be in love, despite the fact that she only has one arm.

Really bro? Really?

Back on the beach, Zack and Clare, AshLee and Graham and Lacy and Marcus are all busy exploring each other’s private parts. Just as Michelle is about to buy herself a one-way ticket to Forever Alonewille, Cody from Andy’s season strolls in. Instantly, Michelle perks up and realizes that there’s still hope of her finding someone to diddle on the beach.

Not gonna lie…it could have been Fidel Castro walking up that beach and Michelle would have thrown herself at him.

Unfortunately, Cody instantly gravitates toward Clare and asks her to go on a date with her. Clare, who has been loaning her vagina to Zack for the last few days, is reluctant to say yes because she wants to pursue her “relationship” with Zack.

Clare tells Cody that she can’t date him because he’s obnoxious she’s with Zack, but still goes and checks with him to see if she should go out with Cody. Zack says that he’d be loyal to Clare, provided that a hotter, less crazy girl doesn’t come along.

This, of course, shocks Clare because she thought they were about to make babies in the ocean together. Zack does his best to reassure Clare that he does actually like her.

“I’ve put all my eggs in your basket over the last few days,” he says. (Eggs, sperm…it’s confusing, I know.)

Clare says that she’s unhappy to hear that Zack is unsure about their future together. (I mean, it’s been five days. How much more time does this dude need to decide his entire life? Geez.)

Zack slunks back to his room to gather his thoughts (um, that, shouldn’t take long). Clare is telling Michelle what happened with her and Zack and we can’t help but notice Michelle smirking as she thinks that Clare and Zack may be breaking up. She is relishing in the fact that she may not be the only loner on the island anymore. (Either way I’m sure the producers are busy ordering several cats to keep Michelle company.)

Cody, who is reminding me more and more of Dennis the Menace by the minute, scurries over to see if Clare has decided if she will hump him in the ocean after sharing a protein shake go on a date with him. He is laying it on really thick to get her to say yes, but she still turns him down because she doesn’t want to ruin the “amazing” thing that she and Zack have. Cody is bummed, but tells her that he will continue to badger her just in case Zack pumps-and-dumps her. He said that he will be there “nipping at her toes” the whole time they’re on the island.

Oh yeah, that’s the way to a girl’s heart: tell her that you will basically be creeping around her room at night collecting her used hygiene products. Girls love it when they tell a guy to beat it, yet he continues to make unwanted advances.

Cody still has a date card to use, but has no idea who to ask since Clare dumped him. He goes to Marcus and tells him that there aren’t any chicks he wants to bone other than Clare, so he gives the card to Marcus so he can take Lacy out. Marcus is stoked and everyone awkwardly claps as Marcus asks Lacy to go out.

Clare says that the fact that Cody gave Marcus his date card makes her like him more. (Pretty sure the strange sweater Cody’s been wearing around his neck, while wearing a muscle tank, will kill any attraction she may have to him, however.)

Lacy’s gets all dressed up (re: she puts on actual clothes) and she and Marcus head out to a romantic bar, where a private dinner has been set up for them. Lacy tells us that she’s so happy to be with Marcus because their relationship is “all about me!” 

They have yet to say “I love you” to each other and they talk about their relationship. Marcus accidentally slips and tells her that he loves her for who she is, and Lacy is wondering whether or not she should say it back. He’s clearly over Andi, who he now only refers to as “someone else.”

Back at the house, Zack and Clare realize they need to have a conversation and figure out whose eggs are going into whose basket. They go into a random cave to talk, and Zack tells her that he wants them to be exclusive. Clare doesn’t appear to believe Zack. Eventually, she decides to forgive him and they vow to only hump each other.

Over on the beach, Michelle keeps telling anyone that will listen how big of a loser she is because no one will take her on a date. All of a sudden, another guy comes walking up the beach. Michelle’s loins instantly start to quiver until she realizes it’s Kalon (the douche from Emily‘s season that rolled up in a helicopter and insulted Emily’s daughter.)

Realizing she won’t be hooking up with Kalon (since he’s not cool with the Kid’s Menu and all) Michelle instantly tries to cuddle up with Marquel. (Oh, girl, now this is just getting painful.) Kalon comes with a date card, and he asks Michelle to go on the date. Even though Michelle hates Kalon, she gladly accepts his offer. Hey, he may be the only thing standing between Michelle and a life of YouTube cat videos and Mama Celeste Pizza for Ones. She has to take a shot.

Kalon later tells the camera how he’s looking forward to going ziplining…into Michelle’s crotch, and motorboating…into Michelle’s boobs. His mama must be so gosh darn proud right about now!

The next day, Kalon is getting all spiffed up for his date, telling us that he finds the fact that Michelle is a complete nutcake attractive. Michelle comes to Kalon’s room and tells him that she was offended by what he said to Emily, and Kalon admits that he was a jerk to Emily. Michelle decides to decline the date because of what he did, and Kalon doesn’t look too broken up about it.

He immediately heads over to Jackie, who he calls a sun lizard. He asks her on the date, but she declines. Finally, he settles for Sarah. He asks her on the date but she, too, declines. (I mean, who wouldn’t want to be this dude’s third choice.)

Eventually he realizes that these girls want nothing to do with him, so he decides to go on his date by himself. He says it’s about time he goes on a date with someone he likes. There’s an old Mexican shaman there, and he is basically the only person in the country that didn’t turn Kalon down for the date. Of course, he didn’t speak English but…still a win.

Kalon goes into a cave, and then proceeds to do both sides of the conversation and pretends to make out with himself. As pathetic as Kalon is for doing this whole thing, we are so much worse for watching this crap. Face it guys, our lives are more sad than Kalon’s.

The women all sit around laughing at how they all rejected Kalon, and Marquel says that the odds don’t seem very good for Kalon to get a rose. Just then, another guy comes walking up the beach. It’s Jesse Kovacs, the guy that appeared on the very first season of Bachelor Pad.

Of course, Michelle springs up from her lounge chair and does her best to rub her chest on Jesse, in some sort of weird attempt to mark her territory.

A lot of the other girls aren’t really interested in Jesse, due to his playboy reputation, so this will bode well for Michelle. Since Jesse has a date card, he has to pick a chick right away to take on a date. He asks a few of the girls some questions to decide who to take out. He picks Jackie, who accepts. Marquel, of course, is sad because he was counting on getting some hut humping (and a rose) from Jackie.

Later that night, Jackie puts on a hot pink dress (to match Jesse’s hot pink pants…really bro?) They go into what Jackie calls “a million year old Mayan cave” and have dinner. Jesse says that, because there’s a rose ceremony the next night, he has to lay it on really thick so that Jackie will be wooed by his charm. He tells her that he chose her because she was one of the only girls that wasn’t with some other dude.

Jesse says that he likes Jackie and that he isn’t really good at faking it. Neither is Jackie, which probably won’t bode well for Jesse.

They head into the other area of the cave and there’s a live band playing. Jesse’s acting like he set the whole thing up, and they start to “white person sway dance” awkwardly. I mean, really, what could be more romantic than slow dancing in a bat-infested cave to some weird country band? Seems like a surefire path to love if you ask me!

Jesse is nervous he won’t get a rose. All of Jesse’s eggs are in Jackie’s basket…will she give him or Marquel the rose? Dun.Dun.Dun.

Back on the beach, all of the girls are getting back massages from the guys, except for Michelle, of course. She decides to lower her standards and have Cody massage her. He gladly accept and keeps going in closer and closer, using his blond octopus arms to woo Michelle. Hopefully they made one of the production assistants throw condoms around the bonfire, just in case.

The next day, AshLee (who has been MIA for most of this episode in an effort to let Michelle be the token crazy this time around) tells Zack that he should ditch Clare and try to bang other broads. She tells him that because Clare “f**ked a guy in the ocean” she isn’t worthy of Zack’s love. AshLee doesn’t seem to know that she’s being filmed, and she instantly regrets saying the mean things about Clare because it was caught on film.

She then goes around and tells everybody what she did. Lacy says that AshLee acts differently when she knows the cameras are on her, and Lacy tells Clare what AshLee said. Clare says that she doesn’t have time for the drama (UM!?!?) and she’s pissed that AshLee talked about her behind her back. Clare asks AshLee to talk to her later.

Finally, Clare appears (and they get a nice shot of her grabbing a few knives, just for craps and giggles). Graham seems to have no idea what’s going on in the house. All of the guys seem to be hiding out and waiting for the girl drama to be over. Clare confronts Zack to get more info about his convo with AshLee and he looks miserable to have been wrapped up in the girl drama. He looks like he’d rather be anywhere, even on a date with Kalon, than be a part of all this ridiculous drama.

Clare is mad that Zack didn’t stick up for her (or something) and Zack is tired of dealing with Clare’s emotional drama. AshLee appears at the bonfire where Clare is, and everyone is starting to feel uncomfortable. Finally, AshLee pulls Clare aside and they go talk about what happened. Clare instantly starts to put her hair into a ponytail (there’s going to be a fight!) and she tells AshLee that she feels disrespected by AshLee’s comments.

AshLee tries to defend herself and apologizes for what she said. Clare refuses AshLee’s offer to “hug it out” and AshLee retreats to her room to cry about being a crappy person. So much drama…so many girls with poorly spelled names….

The next night is the rose ceremony. The boys are nervous because the girls are the ones giving out roses. Two girls are going home, and there are quite a few guys that aren’t coupled up. Chris Harrison arrives and tells the Gonorrhea Gang to try to get a rose. Michelle and Jackie are the only “wild card” girls, and Cody, Marquel, Jesse and Kalon are the guys that are unattached.

Cody tells Michelle that he likes her. “YOU DO!?” she squeals. He then tells her that she is a great back-up option now that Clare has told him to get lost. Michelle tells us that she often feels like a Plan B. (Or did she say she needs a Plan B?)

Cody starts spilling romantic lines like, “I wanna work on my tan with you” and Michelle is smitten. Now that Cody has sealed the deal with Michelle, Jackie is the only girl left without a man. Jesse is determined to get Jackie’s rose. He even is willing to talk about clothes with her. (Seriously, a guy like Jesse will never talk about clothes…unless he’s asking where he left his underwear the night before.)

Marquel is getting nervous that Jackie won’t give him a rose. Meanwhile, AshLee is pawing all over Graham, who looks uninterested. Michelle, too, is unhappy that AshLee has latched her claws into Graham, so she goes and talks to him to try to get him to dump AshLee because, well, she’s a catty bitch.

Graham has no idea what AshLee said about Clare, so Michelle fills him in on all the girl drama that’s been happening. Her long-winded explanation makes Graham’s eyes roll back into his head, but he’s happy to know what went down. Graham is looking really odd…like someone should give him a blood test or something? He looks sickly and pale, but maybe all the drama is making him sick?

He tells us that he has been turned off by what AshLee said about Clare. He’s not sure if he will accept her rose, should she offer it.

The roses start going out. Lacy gives Marcus her rose, and Clare presents hers to Zack. Next up is AshLee and Graham starts sweating. She calls Graham’s name but instead of accepting her rose, he just walks off the set. AshLee is left standing there confused. Michelle, of course, doesn’t want to miss out on any additional drama so she runs after Graham.

And then…they hit us with the “To Be Continued” screen. WTF?! Are you kidding me? Will Graham accept the rose? Will he just keel over right there from whatever disease he’s contracted while on Gonorrhea Island? Will Clare beat the living tar out of AshLee just for the hell of it?

Find out tomorrow! Seriously, four hours of this crappy show in two days? The show’s producers are trying to kill The Ashley!

Until tomorrow, kiddies!

Wanna read The Ashley’s recap of last week’s episode of ‘Bachelor in Paradise’? Click here!

(Photo: ABC)