We’ve made it to the end of the syphilis-infested road, folks! It’s the final episode of Bachelor in Paradise! The Paradisers will now have to decide if they want to continue the “relationships” they’ve made on the island into their regular lives, or if they want to leave them behind.

It’s all very dramatic, of course.

Chris Harrison informs the remaining couples that “everything is about to change.” He tells them that they must decide to break up with whoever it is that they’re boning at the moment and leave Paradise immediately, or stick around and try to make their relationships work. The couples–Michelle and Cody, Graham and AshLee, Sarah and Robert, Lacy and Marcus, “Tacos” and Christy (who literally met like an hour ago), and Jackie and Zack— all contemplate what they want to do.

Just to clarify, these people do not win any money or anything for staying on the island. Literally, they got nothing from this show except a belly full of free margaritas and an awesome story to tell when people ask how they contracted genital herpes. That’s it.

It’s time for some people to leave brokenhearted! Graham, who has been trying to unpeel AshLee’s claws out from his arm since the first day on the island, jumps at the chance to unload his “beloved.”

The poor, long-suffering Graham hunts down AshLee, who is ready to talk wedding registries and china patterns. Graham, however, is not feeling great about their relationship. AshLee is shocked to hear that Graham is not “on the same page” as she is. She tells him that she doesn’t expect a proposal or an “I love you” (not until tomorrow, at least) but even that doesn’t help to change Graham’s mind. He tells her that he cannot continue with their relationship.

“I knew it,” AshLee says.

Um…no, biotch, you did not “know it.” Two minutes ago you were talking about how he was ready to marry you.

AshLee is angry that Graham “hurt her heart.” Um…can we get a security guard or two to hover around Graham for a few hours? I am genuinely concerned for his life at this point. I think we may find him in a hut, strangled by one of AshLee’s hair extensions.

Later, Graham tells us that despite the fact that he thought he’d be relieved to unload AshLee, he actually feels sad. (Um, yeah, probably because you know she’s going to cut your balls off as you sleep tonight.)

She’s about to walk away dramatically but then turns around and says that she doesn’t want their relationship to end like this. Graham basically tells her to spin it around because it’s over!

As soon as AshLee leaves, Michelle runs out to him on the beach to comfort him. Of course, AshLee sees the whole thing which makes her cry even harder. Personally, it made me collapse into the giggles. But, then again, I’m a terrible person.

AshLee tells Jackie that she “feels like a fool” because 10 million people are going to see this, so she jumps into the Pity Shuttle and heads to the airport, brokenhearted. She doesn’t even say goodbye to all of the girls she’s been talking crap on for the last few weeks.

Because Graham chose to be alone rather than be with AshLee, he has to leave too.

“For me, paradise is lost,” Graham tells us as he is shuttled away from the island. (How he said that with a straight face is beyond me!)

Up next is Tacos, who tells Christy that there is a “disconnect” between them. Um, yeah, because they literally just met. They’ve probably only boned, like twice, so they decide to break up. After that, Zack and Jackie decide to separate as well, stating that they just didn’t have enough time to make things work.

With Tacos, Christy, Jackie and Zack gone, the only couples still pending are Cody and Michelle, Lacy and Marcus, and Sarah and Robert. Michelle says she doesn’t know what to do about her relationship with Cody, because she knows he’s an “amazing man” (i.e. a breathing man) but she doesn’t know him well enough to decide to stay with him.

She says that Cody is so far ahead of her in terms of feelings that she doesn’t know if she can catch up with him. (Maybe drink a few extra protein shakes? That might help.)

To help her decide, Michelle does what any mature woman would do: she calls her preteen daughter and asks for boy advice. Seriously.

“It doesn’t really matter if they’re cute or not, it just matters about their personality,” Michelle’s daughter tells her.

Well, um, that’s a good thing…

Michelle’s daughter sounds very wise. But then again, that’s probably because she’s growing up without her mom because Michelle’s always on a dumbass reality show.

Michelle decides that she wants to spend more time with Cody, so she decides to stay. Chris Harrison comes in and talks to the three remaining couples. He tells Sarah and Robert that he’s pleasantly surprised to see them sitting there, just like he’s surprised to see Cody and Michelle sticking around. Michelle tells Chris that Cody’s the best guy she’s ever met and the guy that she’s been looking for. (As she’s saying this, Cody is mauling her with kisses.)

Chris then tells them that the next step in the “process” is for them to go on a final date. He tells the couples that they should have difficult conversations about where the relationships are going to go. He tells them that love doesn’t come easy, and that it’s not always a fairytale.

Um..did Chris Harrison literally just recite the lyrics to Wes Hayden‘s “Love Don’t Come Easy” song? O.M.G.

He then tells them that they will be going on overnight dates with their beaus. This makes Sarah happy because, well, she’s horny.

Later, Cody stares at himself and chants, “Mirror mirror on the wall, who’s the most handsome-ist of them all?” all while aggressively putting on his chapstick. AS.YOU.DO.

After the ladies take a razor to their no-no areas to prep themselves for the overnight dates, they all head off with their men. Michelle and Cody walk down the beach, while Sarah and Robert go check out their Fantasy Suite. It’s stocked with candles, rose pedals and cameramen that don’t seem to know how to stay out of the shot.

They strip down to their swimsuits, and we know that Sarah’s ready to get busy because she’s finally ditched those stuffy one-piece bathing suits for a bikini. After making out in the hot tub for a few minutes, it’s time to move the party into the bedroom…

Meanwhile, Lacy and Marcus head to their suite to chat. Marcus tells Lacy that he can’t imagine life without her and that she has his heart. Lacy, who is, for some reason, wearing the same hair, makeup and accessories that Madonna wore in her ‘Borderline’ video, finally tells Marcus that she love him.

“He definitely makes me think that I’m the only girl that exists on this world!” she tells us. (And, no, unfortunately that isn’t a typo. She really did say “on this world.” Oh, Lacy.)

Things aren’t as hot and steamy for Michelle and Cody. They are dining on the beach, and Michelle keeps talking about how much she likes Cody.

“It wouldn’t matter what guy was in front of me, I think I would still feel this way,” she tells him.

UMMMMM….Did she seriously just say that!?

Cody doesn’t seem to care. In fact, he says that he’s willing to do whatever it takes to make their relationship work because he’s hoping that someday she will be his wife.

GULP.

Michelle says that she needs to go to the Fantasy Suite with Cody in order to know if what they have is real. “Did you know that you’re not getting laid tonight?” she tells him.

She’s worried that her daughter wouldn’t be proud of her for it.

Later she tells us that most guys that are muscular have muscular, um, ding dongs. But sometimes, they don’t, and she’ll know for sure by morning. Yup, the daughter is going to take a tape of this interview to school for Show ‘n’ Tell.

Marcus and Lacy had a great night, which Lacy tells us was intimate “both physically and emotionally.”

Robert tells us that his overnight date with Sarah was perfect, just as Cody and Michelle arrive home.

“I am very sore, and very satisfied,” she tells us. “Cody is amazing.”

Um. EW. Seriously. Just, ew.

Just then, Michelle announces that Cody is now her boyfriend. Cody, meanwhile, tells us that he is on Cloud Nine because he was able to “mark some things off of his bucket list” and that Michelle may have “broke the Code.”

Um.EW. Seriously. Just, ew.

Sarah, meanwhile, does not have that naughty grin that everyone is sporting. Marcus has a hickey. Michelle has a sex glow. Sarah, however, has none of that. (She does have Robert spewing boogers on her, however.)

She then tells us that Robert wore his jeans to bed, and they went to sleep. (He took “keep it in your pants” to a whole other level!)

They did not “get physical” and that makes her feel rejected.

Wait…is Robert a never nude?!

Sarah tells us that she was left unloved and dissatisfied in the Fantasy Suite. She goes into the girls’ hut just as Michelle is talking about how big Cody’s dingdong is and how amazing he is in bed…and how the boned in every corner of their suite.

Um.Ew. Seriously. Just, ew.

Sarah gives us more info about what happened under the covers. She says that there was no neck-sucking, no hands-touching and when she went to unbuckle his pants he stopped her. She then tells us that she isn’t even sure that Robert has a penis. She sets to find out, and takes Robert out to the beach and tells him that she didn’t feel a connection.

Robert seems shocked that Sarah felt like that, because he thought it went well. (I guess it’s just business as usual for him to sleep in his jeans?)

Sarah said that she felt “not loved” by Robert in the Fantasy Suite, which makes Robert tear up. With that, Sarah tells Robert that it’s time for them to end their relationship. (Geez, you sleep in your jeans one night and look what happens!) Robert said he never meant to hurt Sarah and that he’s very sad to hear that she felt “not loved.”

Robert bids her farewell, and Sarah is left on the beach blubbering. The other girls come running over to comfort her as she tells them that she ended it with Robert.

“If a guy doesn’t want to hook up with you in a Fantasy Suite, he doesn’t like you,” Sarah tells us.

She said she wanted to “pillow talk” with Robert for hours, and that she wanted to know him “inside and out.” (Ew.)

Robert goes to pack his bags, and explains to us that he wanted to take things slow with Sarah. He cries as he tells us that he was too afraid to “put himself out there” and tell Sarah he loved her. Or, you know, he just didn’t want to be a hoe-bag like the rest of the people on this scummy show.

Meanwhile, Sarah is packing her things and the girls are telling her that she made the right choice to ditch Robert and his jeans. She said she didn’t want to end things with Robert, because up until the Fantasy Suite everything was great. Unfortunately, she will never know.

The next day, Michelle and Cody, and Marcus and Lacy arrive to the final rose ceremony. Chris is pleased to see the four of them in front of him, but now it’s time for them to move their “love” from Paradise to their regular lives. Chris tells them that he’s brought some friends that have also “found love on TV.”

Of course he did.

Suddenly, Jason and Molly Mesnick appear, as do Sean and Catherine Lowe, and Desiree and…that guy that she chose when Brooks dumped her. They all take some of the Paradisers aside to chat about life outside of TV.

Wait? Where are Trista and Ryan? They never miss a chance to wheel those knuckleheads out! Can we get a welfare check on them?

“Maybe we’ll be one of those couples someday!” Lacy tells us. (Um…she knows she doesn’t get the million dollar wedding like they did, right?)

Molly and Jason say that they are totally shocked at how in love Michelle and Cody seem. Jason assures us that all four of the Paradisers are there for love only, and that they have a great chance of making it.

“It’s nice to see these couples, and how fun they are having,” says Lacy. (Only Lacy would say something like that.)

The ‘Bachelor’ couples all blabber on and on about these couples have the potential to be successful.

It’s time for everyone to leave Paradise. Cody picks up a rose and tells Michelle that he’s so glad he met her (and that Clare turned him down!) He tells her that he loves her and that he wants a life with Michelle. He presents a rose to her, which she accepts. Next, she presents a rose to Cody, telling him that she loves that he’s included her daughter in every thought that he’s had. (Um, hopefully not when they were humping like rabbits in the Fantasy Suite.)

Michelle tells Cody that he is the sugar and she is the spice, and that it has been him this whole time.

They leave Paradise together, hand-in-hand, and then it’s Marcus and Lacy’s turn. Marcus is sweating bullets as he approaches the podium. All of a sudden, he asks to take Lacy aside so they can talk privately. Everyone starts looking around in confusion, wondering if Marcus was about to dump her.

He takes Lacy aside and says he wants private time away from everyone else. (Except, of course, for that camera guy that ran behind them.)

He takes her to the ocean and tells her that meeting her was the best gift he’s ever received. (Except for that handie in the batcave, of course!) He says that meeting Lacy showed him what true love is. Both Marcus and Lacy are getting emotional, as Marcus tells her that he wants to be with her forever. He drops to his knee and proposes with a big ol’ fat Neil Lane rock. She accepts gleefully and all of the ‘Bachelor’ people come out to cheer for them.

“You’re going to be my wife!” Marcus says. “BEST.WIFE.EVER!” Lacy replies.

With that, we bid adiou to Paradise, and all of the drama, drinks and douchiness that came with it. If you need more ‘Paradise’ in your life, The Ashley suggests you check out this link!

To find out if there will be a ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ reunion, and a second season, click here!

(Photos: ABC)