Note from The Ashley: Over here at The Roundup, we love us some trashy television, particularly any show that features someone with an “ugly cry face,” it seemed natural that we start recapping Tori Spelling’s train wreck of a reality show True Tori. It has everything we love in a reality show: shameless ploys for ratings, ridiculously staged meet-ups and, of course, people acting trashy! Holly will be taking the reins on recapping ‘True Tori’ for the most part, however The Ashley may have to sink her trash-TV-lovin’ claws into an episode or two for recapping!

By Holly Rasmussen

On this episode, Tori decides to meet up with Dean’s first wife…you know, the one he was married to while he was boinking Tori. She said she hopes to get “closure” from this meeting (or ratings, same thing.) It seems she will also attempt to make Dean’s son 16^th birthday about her. It’s always about her.

This episode, like every episode, starts out with Dean and Tori meeting with their therapist. I don’t think it is working. While in therapy, Tori gets a text from her agent that her crappy television show, ‘Mystery Girls,’ has officially been cancelled. She said that since ‘90210’ every scripted series she’s been on has been cancelled after one season. Hmm…I wonder why? Maybe you’re not as great of an actress as you think you are.

After [ugly fake] crying for a second over the text, she moves on to talking to her therapist about how awesome her ex-husband is. Remember, on last week’s episode she met with Charlie (the ex-husband), citing the need for closure once again.

Tori told the therapist that Charlie was so loving and nurturing and an all-around great guy (then why did you cheat on him?) and that she worries that the relationship she has with Dean is largely sexual. Gross.

Dean says he is sometimes stifled by the fact that they have four children. Uh, don’t you have five? Did you forget about your oldest son? He also says he sometimes thinks he isn’t the guy Tori needs. Is this his version of the “it’s not you-it’s me” speech?

Tori and her litter of kids head out to meet with Dean’s son Jack to start planning his 16^th birthday party. She’s planning a sinister Alice in Wonderland theme…for a 16-year-old boy. Wait…what!? Tori seems shocked that Jack invited over 60 kids to the party, which will be held at her house. Why didn’t they talk about his beforehand? Did he send out invites? I feel like she’s already stretching for drama in this scenario.

They keep talking about how they think Mary Jo, Dean’s first wife, will act when she comes to the party. They think she may see Dean’s cheating on Tori as karma for Tori having an affair with Dean while he was married to Mary Jo. Um, she probably does think that. We all do. Or, maybe she doesn’t care. Maybe she’s glad to be rid of that loser…and, honestly, who can blame her?

Soon, they find out that Jack has actually invited 90 kids to the party! Dean says, “This is not a rave.” Um, yeah, because it’s not 1994. Dean says he is going to start kicking people out after 50 have arrived. I’m sure that won’t make your kid hated at school on Monday or anything.

Jack and Mary Jo arrive. Tori is shaving her legs in the sink for some odd reason. (WTF?! Who wants Spelling leg hair all up in their kitchen sink?! Disgusting!)  She is also making it all about her, of course, by talking to her friend about how Mary Jo is always going to hate her.

Tori goes down and awkwardly hugs Mary Jo, who gives her a hostess gift. Mary Jo really seems like a class act…and Tori seems classless. Of course, Tori is jealous of her and says she feels awkward and left-out when Dean and Mary Jo are together.  While everyone else is enjoying the party, Tori continues to make it about her by talking about how left out she feels. Again. We get it.

Also—there are only like 25 kids at this party so once again, they over-dramatized this whole thing. In the middle of Dean’s birthday speech, Tori interrupts to say, “Sixteen years ago today, Mary Jo did all the work.”

Uhh…yeah…we know…that was awkward. But thanks for giving us that mental image of Jack shooting from Mary Jo’s loins, Tori.

The next morning, Tori talks to Dean about how they need to set more boundaries for Jack. Um, what did he do? Invite more people to his party than they wanted? Honestly, there are a lot worse things 16-year-old boys could be doing. I feel like they’re trying really hard to make this in to something bigger than it is.

Dean says he has a hard time setting boundaries with Jack because he feels guilty for leaving him when he was little. Maybe you should have thought about Jack and your wife at the time while you were having sex with Tori on the rooftop of a hotel the night you met, Dean!

Tori decides she needs to take this opportunity to meet with Mary Jo to discuss their issues. I guess she realizes the viewers are getting sick of seeing her and Dean sit in therapy and cry. Tori is so crazy that she said that the first time she met with Mary Jo, she took a kitchen knife with her in her purse because she was afraid Mary was going to try and kill her. Really? You must have let all of those day-time movies you did go to your head, Tori. No one would kill over that fool.

Finally, Tori heads off to see Mary Jo. At the meeting, Mary Jo attempts to talk about Jack and how they should co-parent him…and Tori just has to bring up the affair. Why are you such a narcissist, Tori? It’s been eight years. Mary Jo doesn’t want to keep rehashing this bull.

Mary Jo tells her that it was really hard to come back from betrayal and that it was really hurtful for Dean to throw away their 13-year marriage. She also says she resents being portrayed as a bitter ex-wife. (If you’ve read any of Tori’s books, you know that is exactly how she has portrayed Mary Jo.)

Tori tries to justify it all by saying that she “can’t help the fact that she fell in love with him.” Actually you can. You can choose not to have sex with married men the day you meet them.

Mary Jo tells her she needs to own her mistakes. I agree. Quit blaming everyone else.

On the preview for next week, Dean attempts to make Mary Jo out to be manipulative and Tori says she’s worried he might hurt himself. Ugh. Dean is the worst. Unfortunately, we will be seeing much more of him, despite the fact that he said he was quitting ‘True Tori’ last week.

(Photos: Lifetime)