It’s been so long since The Ashley has recapped anything! For her first recap of 2015, she has chosen to give y’all the play-by-play of the 16 and Pregnant Season 5 “Where Are They Now?” special! MTV decided to give us a peek into the lives of the teen mothers from the most-recent season of ’16 and Pregnant,’ letting us know what happened to the girls, their baby-daddies and their kids after the Pitocin stopped dripping and the cameras stopped rolling!

The Ashley is unnaturally excited about watching this episode.

Things start out with the cute cartoon drawings of each girl to remind us who the hell was on this season of ’16 and Pregnant.’ Some of the girls get a less-than-favorable drawing of themselves. (Um, why did Savon end up looking like a caricature of a 75-year-old librarian while Summer‘s drawing looked like it belonged on the cover of a Babysitter’s Club book?

The first girl we catch up with is Maddy, who gave birth to Aubrey. (In case you’ve forgotten, Maddy was the girl that got knocked up during a one-night stand. After two minutes of ectasy mediocre clunky high school sex, Maddy and the guy, Cody, made a baby.) They tried to make things work but, as is the case with many a couple that decides to have a baby before their first date, things didn’t work out.

Maddy’s mom kicked her (and her carved-up bangs) out of the house after Maddy’s loins exploded and popped out Aubrey.

These days, Maddy is busy working on her G.E.D., taking care of Aubrey and letting her bangs grow out. (They look so much better. I was about to start a GoFundMe campaign to get Maddy some sort of toupee after her last ’16 and Pregnant’ appearance.) Cody (and his meth-face grill) are nowhere to be found. Maddy tells us that she hasn’t seen, heard from or gotten any money from him in over 10 months.

I.Am.Shocked.

In fact, Maddy appears to have a new beau. He likes Baby Aubrey and even treats Maddy to the occasional meal at the BurgerHaus. His name is Brad and we soon realize that he’s riding the Friend Zone train to nowhere. The poor sap thinks that if he buys Maddy enough onion rings and turkey burgers, he’ll get to touch her boobies someday. Sigh.

Brad was Cody’s friend, but now doesn’t talk to him because Cody was a jerkface. Brad paid for Aubrey’s carseat, cleans up the baby’s messes and makes googly eyes at Maddy throughout their meal. Maddy tells us that she wants to be single right now but when she does want a relationship, she wants it to be with someone like Brad. Not with Brad. She tells her mother that she thinks of Brad “like a brother.”

Do you hear that? That faint, tiny whimper is Brad sobbing into his pillow somewhere in Illinois as he watches this episode.

Savannah Mooney

Next we check in with Savannah, who when we last saw her was fighting with her baby-daddy Stone and her drunken (and quite  handsome) mother.  After Savannah gave birth to her son Rowan, her mother had an epic drunken breakdown (cops were called, people were roaming the street in slippers and screaming belligerently…you get the picture.)

Savannah (who has gotten herself some new hair since we last saw her) tells us that she and Stone tried to make their relationship work but it just didn’t happen. Stone has been kind of a creepnozzle, often shutting his phone off so he doesn’t have to deal with Savannah or his son.

“I ain’t got time for this sh*t!” Stone tells Savannah when she asks him to pick up his son. (He really said that; The Ashley didn’t make that up for comedic reasons!)

She is trying to go to school, and luckily Stone’s mom is stepping up to help Savannah raise Rowan. All of a sudden, Savannah throws a zinger into the mix: She says that Stone and his mother cite Savannah’s ’16 and Pregnant’ episode as the reason the couple broke up! She says that they were forced (by producers) to talk about some issues that hurt each other’s feelings. (This is history folks! They’ve never addressed the show on the show!)

Next, Savannah brings up the fact that her mother has “slipped up” with her sobriety. Things escalate as Savannah’s mom refuses to discuss the issue. She whips out a generic Virginia Slim and cackles at Savannah, who is screaming at her.

Savannah is about to graduate high school, and says she plans to become a nurse practitioner. She is also dating a new guy named Malcom, who already has a daughter. Savannah says she doesn’t want any surprises or “pop-ups” with Malcom. She has the IUD, so now Malcom is free to have all of the um, pop-ups, he wants.

Millina Kacmar

We next head to Michigan to see what’s new with Millina. During her pregnancy with her son, Kayden, Millina’s mother was heading to jail, and Millina was struggling to get along with her baby-daddy Trevor and his crazy-ass mother. (Click here to read The Ashley’s recap of her episode!)

Eight months later, Millina and Trevor are not together, but are friends. Trevor still wants to be with Millina. He so eloquently puts this into a statement to declare his love.

“I wanna be with you, I just can’t stand the bulls*t you do.” I think Hallmark should make that into a card. (To be honest, it would probably be the best-selling card of all time!)

Anyway, Millina is working two jobs to support her kid. By day, she’s slingin’ fries in a drive-thru, but by night, she’s strapping on her fur leg warmers and go-go dancing at clubs and…house parties. (How does that even work? Does someone turn over their mom’s china cabinet and Millina just climbs up there and shakes her tail feathers? No, seriously. I am confused. Is this really a thing?) There’s no nudity involved, just dancing.

Millina’s mom is out of jail, and is now living with Millina’s grandma and Kayden. Millina’s mom is now clean which is good because…she’s pregnant. Sigh. Luckily, it doesn’t seem like Millina’s gonna join her in the maternity ward any time soon. Even though Millina is seeing her friend Justin, she says she’s not ready to jump right into another relationship.

Justin is joining Maddy’s “friend” Brad on the Friend Zone train. Choo choo! All aboard!

Courtney Ames

Our next check-in is with Courtney, who was apparently one of the girls that wasn’t cool with MTV traipsing through her house again. To remedy this, they set up a Skype call with her and her son, Dayton, who recently had surgery to repair his cleft palate. Courtney says that her boyfriend, Scott, took up drinking as a hobby (probably to curb the blue balls created when Courtney decided he could no longer touch her no-no zone). They broke up, but Scott is still in Dayton’s life. Courtney is now in cosmetology school and…um, has a cool new beanie? Her update was short and pretty uneventful.

Summer Rewis

Next we head down south to see what Summer has been doing since her episode taped. Last time we saw her, she was married to DJ, the father of her son Peyton. As Summer tells us, her “mama’s pill addict-tion was addin’ a lot of stress to her life” back then, so she left high school.

Summer tells us that after her episode aired, she caught DJ cheating on her, and that they split up. DJ got a job in California but was planning on coming home for Peyton’s 1st birthday. Summer’s sister, “Pookie” (as you do), advises Summer not to give DJ another chance, but Summer doesn’t want Peyton to grow up in a broken home. After all, Summer’s own mama hasn’t talked to her in several months.

We also get to hear the details of Summer and Pookie’s sex lives. Pookie now has a boyfriend and is “havin’ sex like crazy!” Summer tells us. (Thank you for sharing that. I will now picture Pookie humping her boyfriend like a jackrabbit in the back of a Chevy Tahoe every time I look at her during this episode.) Summer wants to get on birth control, specifically, she wants “that thing in her arm” to keep her from getting pregnant again. Pookie, however, doesn’t really mind if she gets pregnant because…

“Babies is beautiful.”

AS.YOU.DO.

Summer is hoping to convince her sister to get on birth control or start using condoms. She is also hoping that DJ steps up financially to help support Peyton. (Anyone else absolutely love how Summer says “Paaay-ton?”)

Speaking of DJ, he finally comes around. Summer picks him up and he grunts a few things her way. She keeps asking him what’s wrong, but DJ refuses to say anything. When Summer asks what they’re doing in terms of their marriage, DJ finally tells her that he “don’t see them bein’ together.” He starts yellin’ and cussin’ and declaring that he “ain’t no effing bitch!” Um…?!

Summer is hopeful that she and DJ will work things out so she doesn’t have to take Peyton and move back home to her “real daddy’s house.”

Savon Looney

Next to give us an update on her life is Savon, the girl who got knocked up by some dude and then started seeing some other dude. (She is also the one that frequently sang into her hairbrush.) She had a fabulous aunt named LaDonna, that liked to get her “club” on and wear blue eyeshadow. After Savon had baby Eden, she broke up with the “other dude.”

These days, Savon is living on her own with her son. She still loves to sing (and rap about Eden drinking milk, apparently.) She still dreams of being a singer, so she heads to “da studio” to record a hit rap/song/thing. When she’s not recording her hit singles, she is working on getting her GED. She plans to go to college. (Perhaps she can learn how to properly strap her son into a carseat while she’s there?)

Eden’s father got in “some trouble with the law” (shocking, I know) so he is not involved in Eden’s life. Savon isn’t really interested in dating him anyway because she is keeping her “goodies” locked up. However, there is one guy that she has a “for real” crush on that she’d consider unlocking the goodies for. He works next door to the pizza shop Savon works at. His name is Miguel, and they call him “Savon’s crush” on his little ripped paper nametag thingy. Priceless.

In a strange turn of events, it’s Savon that is riding the Friend Zone train. Miguel calls her “homey” and gives her the fist pump. Tell Brad and Justin we said hello, Sav!

Karley Shipley

Our next catch-up is with Karley, the mother of the twin girls. She, like Courtney, didn’t want to film an update, so she catches us up via a Skype call. She tells us that she and her husband Tony moved out of her mom’s home. She graduated high school and wants to pursue a career in criminal justice. (She can be the one to lock up all the degenerate ’16 and Pregnant’ baby daddies!)

She has the “thing in her arm” to keep her from getting knocked up again. She didn’t mention that she and her husband split in the fall of 2014, but have since got back together (sort of).

Aleah LeBeouf

Next we check in with Aleah, the diabetic girl who was pregnant and trying to help raise her boyfriend’ Shawn’s son. She gave birth to a baby girl Peyton, and then found out that her boyfriend couldn’t stop getting speeding tickets.

These days, Aleah and Shawn are living on their own, and she is in school to become a medical assistant. Aleah’s kidneys are not functioning properly, due to her not taking proper care of her diabetes earlier in her life. This, of course, worries Aleah.

Aleah says that she and Shawn are still together and happy. However, he finds out that Aleah’s kidneys are failing while they are being filmed. He handles it well, and is very supportive.

Arianna Hazel

Arianna isn’t into letting MTV come film (or having hair that’s all one color, apparently. She looks like she spilled Kool-Aid and Tang powder all over her damn head.)

During her Skype interview, Arianna tells us that her son’s father, Maurice, hasn’t been in the baby’s life since the baby was three months old. She’s single and ready to mingle, and is even on the birth control shot, just in case.

Autumn Crittendon

We get a real update with Autumn, the mother of the baby named Drake. Autumn’s boyfriend, Dustin, was the guy that looked like a ’70s p0rn star and was constantly smoking pot. (He even took a drug test in a diner bathroom and put the pee cup on the table in what was possibly  one of the grossiest ’16 and Pregnant’ moments ever). Dustin and Autumn split up because Dustin had no money, no ambition and no interest in putting down the bong.

Autumn tells us that since the show, she dropped out of high school and quit doing online classes. She doesn’t talk to her old friends and she and Dustin are not together because he cheated on her. Autumn doesn’t want anything to do with Dustin anymore. However, they still have “intercourse,” of course.

W….T….F…

Autumn says that they now have “protected” intercourse, which most likely means Dustin wraps one of his marijuana rolling papers around his wingwang before sticking it in. Autumn says she’s not sure if she wants to get back with Dustin because he won’t help her accomplish her dreams. Autumn wants to get a job at a restaurant, but she has no one to watch baby Drake.

Autumn’s still sporting her camo jacket, and these days, Dustin is sporting some poison ivy on his arm. That seems to turn Autumn on even more. They talk about Dustin taking on more responsibility and then start making eyes at each other and it’s obvious there will be some of that “protected intercourse” that they were talking about happening any minute.

Jordan Cashmyer

The next update is the one we’ve all been waiting for– Jordan‘s! When we last saw her, Jordan and her boyfriend, Derek, were homeless, sleeping on mattresses on various friends’ floors. After Jordan gave birth to her daughter Genevieve, the three of them camped out in some random lady’s living room for a while until they had to leave.

A lot has changed since we last saw Jordan, of course. In her interview, she says that she got post-partum depression after the baby’s birth and broke up with Derek. The baby is living with Derek, because Jordan’s living situation is “not stable enough,” she says. Jordan’s friend, Brooke, advises Jordan to take medication to treat her bi-polar disorder, and Jordan admits that the baby shouldn’t be with her because…Jordan’s a stripper.

These days, she is all up in “da club”, working the pole for tips as an “exotic dancer.” She says she makes good money, and her friend Brooke (who also appears to be a teen mom) is a stripper too, so they work together. Jordan makes it seem like it’s Derek’s fault that she had to get a job shakin’ her booty. (She does this all while wearing a T-shirt that says “Act like a lady,” of course.)

The camera pans to Derek and his friends, who talk about how they all help Derek take care of Genevieve. It’s actually incredibly cute to see these big guys taking care of this little girl.

Finally it’s time to head to “da club,” where Jordan straps on the heels and lingerie and prepares to hit the stage, despite the fact that she’s emotional over not seeing her daughter. We don’t get to see footage of Jordan on the pole, but there are plenty of other girls dancing in the background.

Jazmin Young

The only girl that refused to take part in any sort of update was Jazmin. (As you may remember, she was the girl with the very religious parents who made Jazmin and her boyfriend, Dell, follow extreme house rules, despite the fact that Jazmin was already knocked up.) The Ashley can report that she is no longer with her baby’s father, and that he does not have a role in  the baby’s life. Jazmin has done her best to disconnect herself from the show. She is not on social media and does not want to work with MTV on any other projects.

To read more of The Ashley’s ’16 and Pregnant’ episode recaps, click here!

(Photos: MTV)