It’s the first day of a two-day, two-hour Bachelor extravaganza. Get ready for everyone to start professing their love for Chris…until he takes them to his tiny hometown of HeeHawville USA. (We all can’t wait to see Britt’s face when she finds out that she would have to buy her dresses off the rack if she were to move to Iowa to be with Chris. OFF.THE.RACK.)

Anyway, the “incredible, two-day television event” kicks off at the ‘Bachelor’ mansion, with Chris Harrison rehashing all the crap that we’ve always suffered through over the last few weeks. They’re going to wheel out Kelsey and old Bachelorette Andi to “tell their sides” of their story. (Translation: Fill all the extra time so they can sell two days of this crap to their advertisers.)

We watch clips of Kelsey bragging about herself, and Kelsey saying that she doesn’t think she’s smarter than the other girls. She then proceeds to pack in every single three-syllable word she can think of. (Like, legit, she sounded like she was holding one of those Ziggy “Word of the Day” calendars in her lap.)

She denies faking her panic attack and tries to explain her bizarre behavior but…well, nobody cares. Unless Kelsey runs up the Mansion steps with a butcher knife and goes Lizzie Borden on one of the remaining girls, we’re kind of over her.

Call me when Kelsey crucifies the fake Kardashian tramp.

Next they haul out Chris to get “his story.” Stellar.

Chris Harrison is like a giggly little schoolgirl sometimes. He really wants to talk to Chris about how he totally ratted out Ashley for calling Kelsey fake. He’s like, “O-M-G Chris, that was so not cool—so not cool!” I keep expecting them to whip out some paper and play M.A.S.H. to see who Chris is going to end up and where they’ll live (Mansion, Apartment, Shack or House, y’all!)

What follows is kind of a yawn: Chris just basically talks crap on a lot of the eliminated girls.

After a lot of stuff we don’t care about, they next wheel out Andi to talk about her heartbreaking split from Josh.

“What’s going on?” Chris asks her.

“A lot,” Andi replies.

Well ain’t she a journalist’s dream?

Andi tells Chris (in between snot wipes) that she and Josh had been “struggling” for a while. (Um…you guys were only engaged for six months. So…basically you struggled the whole freaking time you were together?)

Andi said that she and Josh really were in love and that they fought for it to work. Tears are streaming down her face. Did the producers blow all their budget on booze and corn this season? Could they not afford a box of tissue for this poor girl? Good God!

Andi said that Josh was her first true love, and first heartbreak and that they don’t communicate much anymore. (Note to the producers: Whatever price it will take to wheel these two kids out for a “Jake and Vienna-esque” post-split special, you better pay it!)

After they cart Andi off the premises, we head back to Deadwood, South Dakota to pick up where last week’s episode left off. There are only seven girls left: Whitney, Kaitlyn, Britt, Becca, Megan, Jade and Carly.

Chris has to decide which girls to take home to Iowa. First, he takes Megan aside, and they both agree that there isn’t a lot of chemistry between them. It’s really sudden and random and she’s out in the pity Suburban before anyone knows what happened.

On her ride to the airport (or local Greyhound bus depot) she thanks Chris for being honest and telling her that she didn’t have a prayer of making it. Chris sits on the stoop and pretends to be all broken up about what’s-her-name’s departure.

The ladies are all breathing a sigh of relief, thinking that because Megan got the (cowboy) boot, they’re all safe. Naturally, Chris Harrison kills that dream and tells them that another one of them is going home.

“I’m worried for Carly because she may be going home,” Whitney tells us.

All the other girls seem to be counting Carly out as well, for no apparent reason.

Chris decides that he wants all of the hoes to come see his hoes (and other assorted farm equipment) in Iowa and that there will be no rose ceremony that night.

The girls all start jumping up and down and screaming because they’re excited to go to Iowa. They are probably the only people in the history of Iowa to ever do that.

The next scene shows the gals roaming around Des Moines (that’s the state capitol, y’all). They are all “in love” with Iowa, but probably because they have no idea that all of Iowa isn’t a big city.

A date card arrives for Jade, and all the other girls are pretending to be thrilled for her.

“I’m very, very happy for you but very, very jealous,” Britt tells Jade.

So…basically Britt’s planning on putting some Nair in Jade’s shampoo bottle.

While the girls are enjoying the city of Des Moines, Jade heads out to Arlington to see Chris’ farm out in the sticks.

Jade delivers some riveting commentary as she drives out there:

“A lot of corn…awww, cows….there’s a telephone pole,” she says.

So, basically, that just summed up Arlington.

Jade is from a small town, so she seems OK with the whole Iowa thing. (Of course, she did move away from the small town so, there’s that.) She takes a tour of Chris’ home and tells us, “It’s not too bad.” That sounds awesome.

He then takes her out to “the backyard” (which is basically a huge brown field of corn/wheat/whatever they grow in Iowa). She looks less than excited, especially when Chris suggests that they could name one of the cows Jade.

Of course, life in Arlington isn’t all bland. They go ride Chris’ Harley into downtown and hit all the hot spots—the feed store, a meat shop and a closed-down bank. There’s a bar…but it’s closed. There’s a coffee shop…but it’s actually just the garage of some dude that owns a Mr. Coffee.

Jade is totally like… “Check please!”

But…there’s no one in town to hear her.

That night, Chris brings Jade to a football game at his high school. Jade gets to meet some of Chris’ family and friends, as well as what could possibly be the three most unenthusiastic cheerleaders ever to hit up a football field. (Well, they are in Arlington, after all.)

Jade gets to meet Chris’ parents, and gets to listen to Chris talk about how he served detention…once. Next Chris shows her his old English class. As you do.

Since they are in a classroom, Jade decides it’s now time to reveal her Great Big Secret to Chris. (Cue the cheesy p0rno music, it’s about to get good.) She chickens out and doesn’t tell Chris that she once showed her hoo-ha in Playboy. Perhaps she can announce it over the stadium loudspeaker during halftime?

Later, the 10 or so people in the stands chant to get Jade and Chris to kiss. After they comply, the people are literally ringing cowbells in the stands to celebrate. Dear God. I’m never leaving California.

The next day, Chris has a one-on-one date with Whitney in Des Moines. They go to an art museum and look at pictures of people.

“Does this inspire you to take your own photos?” he asks Whitney.

Well, we all know Jade already did!

They go around and take pictures of crap. It’s basically just them kissing in various Iowan locations. They do this for a few hours and manage to get all 12 people in Iowa to hate them.

Everywhere they go, everyone is taking photos and cheering for them. Chris introduces Whitney to three of his best friends. They immediately ask Whitney if she’s OK with crapping out Chris’ babies, and if she’s in love with Chris. Also, they ask her if she’s OK living in a ghost town. She seems to pass the tests.

At the end of the date, Chris takes Whitney to the side of a building and shows her that someone has painted one of their pictures onto a mural. The only thing is that the people on the mural literally look nothing like Chris and Whitney.

They kiss and it’s romantic…except for the 45 giggly women that are standing off to the side, filming them with their iPhones.

Back at home, Jade starts telling the other girls about her date with Chris. Britt starts crying out of jealousy and all the other girls decide that need go check out Chris’ house before they get too invested in all this. They head out there and are laughing and joking…until they realize that there’s nothing around them for miles…except the smell of manure.

Britt is particularly nervous about how small the town is. Everything is closed and Britt is slowly starting to realize that not only is there nowhere to eat, but there’s nowhere to get her ugly hair extensions and bad 1980s makeup.

They get to meet the pastor of the local church (who happens to be wearing a Call of Duty T-shirt, oddly.)

That night, the date card arrives for Kaitlyn, Britt and Carly, which means the one-on-one date goes to Becca. But before they go on the date, Jade decides to tell Carly about her modeling her mammaries in Playboy. Jade is worried how Chris will react when she tells him. She’s also worried how Chris’ whitebread family will react when they find out their future daughter-in-law’s hoo-ha is hanging out for the world to see.

Armed with that information, Carly heads out on the group date with Chris, Kaitlyn and Britt. They play ice hockey with Chris and it’s boring. Later, Britt tells Chris that they all went to Arlington. She lies and says that she loved the town and that she thinks it would be a great place for her to live. She’s talking up Arlington big time, and Chris is thrilled.

Of course, all the other girls know that Britt is lying to Chris’ face. Carly tells us that Britt would dump Chris immediately after the show. When she gets alone time with Chris, Carly decides to tell him the truth about Britt. She reveals that Britt said that she could never live in Arlington, and then lied to everyone’s face. She  basically tells Chris to be careful because there are bad-extensioned snakes in the grass.

This, of course, worries Chris, and you can tell it is weighing heavily on his mind. He takes Britt aside, and tries to get her to finally reveal her true feelings, but she’s spewing some crap about “reinventing herself” by living in Arlington.

“You’re not choosing the town, you’re choosing the lifestyle and that’s attractive to me,” she tells him.

Oh yeah, I can just see ol’ Britt slinging manure in her Christian Louboutins and putting on her clown makeup to go milk the cows.

She says that her future plans involve becoming the ‘Bachelorette’ , er, I mean a mom.

When Britt and Chris come back from their alone time, he pulls Kaitlyn aside and ends up giving her the date rose. She accepts it excitedly, knowing that it means Chris will be coming to her hometown. Meanwhile, Britt is stewing. Her purple-eyeshadowed eyes are boring a hole through Chris’ skull. She then refuses to even look at Farm Boy and starts rambling on and on without breathing.

“I was literally begging for validation,” she tells him.

Um…Chris, you should cut her right now for saying that.

Chris is very turned off by her behavior, and Britt is making everyone uncomfortable. Chris is basically telling her, “Look, biotch, this is my show and you signed up to be one of many. Get in your place.”

Carly and Kaitlyn are just sitting there stunned, given the fact that he gave Britt the rose last week and basically ditched all of the other chicks to go shove his tongue down Britt’s tongue at the concert in South Dakota.

Later that night, Carly and Kaitlyn regale the other girls of Britt’s bratty behavior and suggest that Britt may be so embarrassed by her own actions that she’ll leave.

We end with Britt ugly-crying her pink lipstick off.

To be continued…whenever The Ashley can stand subjecting herself to more of this crap and write the second recap.

(Photos: ABC)