Dingdang it, kiddies! We made it! After watching a mildly boring farmer weed through 30 fame-whores (and some run-of-the-mill standard whores), it’s finally time for the “dramatic season finale” of Chris Soules’ season of The Bachelor!  Chris must choose between the fertility nurse Whitney and virgin Becca. (That’s literally how Chris Harrison described her. I suppose when you’re a virgin over 21 that just becomes your job?)

We kick things off in Arlington, with Chris strolling through his empty, snow-covered corn fields. It’s totally deserted and desolate, of course, but that doesn’t stop Chris from wandering around and gazing at nothing in particular.

Chris tells us that it could go either way—after all, Whitney is basically throwing herself at Chris, just begging to join him in the desolate fields. However, Becca is unsure. The problem is that, well, Chris really wants to bone Becca but can’t do that unless he marries her.

#BachelorProblems

We meet Linda, Chris’ mother (whose hair demonstrated that there is, indeed, a lack of hair salons in Arlington. Britt, you would have never survived there.) Chris is there to introduce Whitney to his family. She greets him, armed with liquor and flowers for the ‘rents, and she keeps telling him how much she loves him, etc.

She’s all suited up in her best plaid shirt (in attempt to make herself look more “down home.”) Whitney comes in and hugs the Soules gang, who are happy to meet her.

At lunch, she starts talking about how she liked to watch Chris on Andi’s season of ‘The Bachelor,’ and how she hated watching him get heartbroken, and about how happy she is. And…I dunno…I zoned out.. So…much talking….

Later, Whit lays it on really thick on Chris’ mom. She talking about her soul, and her heart and seriously…does this girl ever talk a breath?

Whitney leaves, but not before she tells us that she’s sure she’s the “future Mrs. Soules.”

Um…she does know that there aren’t all that many people in Arlington to talk to? I hope she enjoys having convos with cows and sheep.

Chris goes to talk with the men-folk about his two options. The men break it down exactly how The Ashley did: Chris only wants Becca because she’s not literally throwing herself at him like Whitney has. Whit is willing to move anywhere, do anything and crap out as many kids as Chris wants. Becca? Not so much…

The next day, Chris is bringing Becca to meet his family. He prefaces her visit by telling the fam that Becca’s kind of a wet blanket but…he is still hoping a chick that hot would want to be with him.

She comes wearing some sort of denim shirt that may or may not have been stolen  from the local women’s prison. It fits right in with what Chris’ family is wearing. (Chris’ mom even pulled her hair into a ponytail and put on her finest turtleneck from the Wal-Mart for the occasion of meeting Becca!)

Becca starts regaling the family with stories of her trip to Arlington. They joke about how they go to the post office for fun…except, it’s not really a joke. That’s a rip-roarin’ Saturday plan right there.

Becca tells the sisters that she’s not in love with Chris and that she’s scared he’ll dump her because of it. The sisters are alarmed that Becca’s not ready to move to Hicksville until she’s sure she wants to get married. They aren’t even trying to hide their looks of disgust while Becca is talking.

Later, they tell Chris to basically ditch the virgin and jump at the chance to marry Whitney, since the girls aren’t exactly lining up to move to Chris’ deserted farm.

Chris’ mom plunks Becca down to make it look like the family is even entertaining the idea that Chris could choose anyone but Whitney. Chris’ mom is trying to convince Becca that she is in love with Chris, she just doesn’t want to admit it. Um…awkward.

Chris’ mom says that, “after what Chris has been through” he deserves happiness.

Wait—what has he been through? He got dumped on a reality show by a chick dating a bunch of other dudes? That’s hardly a life-changing tragedy.

After she leaves, Becca tells us that she’s not ready to say yes to a proposal from Chris. She also says that the more the family talked about Iowa, the less appealing it seemed.

Chris’ dad says that Whitney’s a “sure thing” but that Becca is the one Chris actually loves.

Dun.Dun.Dun.

Chris heads back to the hotel to think about which girl he wants to be his lifelong square dancing partner. He goes to Becca’s hotel room to talk to Becca about getting married and birthin’ babies, etc. but she’s just not willing to lie and tell him that she’s in love with him. Chris flat-out asks her if she’s even honestly considering being with him. Becca reassures him that she likes him, but she’s not making any promises that she’ll ever move to Iowa, marry him or birth his babies.

Chris is sad, of course, and is desperately trying to figure out how to get Becca to like him more so that he doesn’t have to marry Whitney and her big ol’ mouth. But Becca just ain’t having it. He is basically asking Becca what he has to do to get her to love him.

Geez, Chris. She’s just not that into you, bro. Take a freaking hint!

Becca finally reveals that she’s scared that she will have nothing to do when she moves to Arlington except for feed chickens and make biscuits for her man.

They cry because they aren’t in love. It’s all very dramatic and ridiculous.

Honestly, I think even Jordan the drunk girl is a better choice for Chris than Becca is. At least Jordan would have a hobby to entertain herself if she moved to Iowa.

The next day, Chris goes back out to stare at his field, and to meet up with Whitney for their final date. She’s all open-mouth smiling and appears to be thrilled to get to ride around Chris’ farm on the tractor. She’s asking a bunch of corn-related questions and Chris is getting all excited to get to share his tractor time with a hot girl. Plus, the noise didn’t allow Whitney to talk all that much so…there’s that.

He takes Whitney back to his house and she says she loves it.

That night, he goes to Whitney’s hotel room and immediately sees that she’s already decorating her room with pictures of them. Raise your hand if you agree that it’s kind of creepy?

Chris almost seems to be trying to convince Whitney not to want to marry him. Unfortunately, however, Whit has a long-winded answer for every one of his questions. Where’s Ursula the Sea Witch when you need her to come scalp someone’s voice?

Chris doesn’t even have a response when she finally stops to take a breath, probably because he has been tuned out for the last 10 minutes.

He literally says, “I reciprocate” after she’s done with her speech. She basically poured out her heart to him and he responded with, “Ditto.”

Wow. This is awesome.

The next morning, Chris prepares to propose to one of the girl, but says that he still doesn’t know who he wants. Neil Lane arrives to help Chris pick out a ring for his “beloved.”

Dear God, let the engagement ring have a corn-shaped diamond!

Chris says that he’s still not sure who he wants to give the ring to. Still, he heads to the romantic barn where the proposal will take place. They’ve got it all set up with a stage, chandeliers and candles…and hay, lots and lots of hay, of course.

The girls are on their way and Chris says he still doesn’t know what to do.

Chris is standing there, waiting for the first girl to arrive. The limo arrives and Becca emerges from the limo, in all her velvet-dressed glory. She walks into the barn and Chris tells us that he could see himself marrying her. He starts his speech and tells her he could see her as his wife but…she’s not ready to marry him so she needs to go. You can almost see the relief in Becca’s eyes. (Phew, dodged that Iowa bullet, girl!)

Chris seems a lot more broken up than Becca is. She isn’t shedding a tear  and looks eager to get out of the barn. (Hey, Des Moines is only a few hours away, and she’s lookin’ good. She could go find herself another man!) Even in the limo, she can’t squeeze out a single tear. (She blames her lack of emotion on “being in shock.”) Chris, however, is very upset.

He doesn’t have time to be too emotional, however, because Whit is on her way. (Perhaps the limo driver pulled over to beat her senseless for talking so much on the drive over there? That would buy Chris a bit of time.)

She pulls up and walks into the barn, where Chris is waiting for her. She’s literally shaking and blinking wildly. Even though Chris is supposed to be talking, Whit, of course, starts blabbering again. Finally she shuts up long enough for Chris to have a turn to talk.

He says that their relationship feels right and that he loves her and he wants her for the rest of his life. He gets down on one knee and the first word out of her mouth is, “No.” Luckily, it’s just a reaction to the moment. She gleefully accepts his proposal and he stuffs the big Neil Lane rock on her finger.

Now that the proposal’s out of the way, grab a pitchfork, Whit! It’s harvest time, after all! There’s work to do!

They hug and kiss and cry and, of course, Whitney talks and Chris does the weird dolphin laugh. They have a picnic at the barn and watch the sun go down and all of middle America is watching, smiling and probably eating Cornnuts.

We head back to the studio and we go right into the After the Final Rose special. They bring Chris out. Chris tells us that he was “falling in love” with Becca but that he was looking for something from Becca that he wasn’t getting. Um…yeah…like personality…and passion…and sex.

They wheel out Becca out (they probably sprayed some Windex in her eye before she came out so it at least looked like she had some emotion). It’s the first time they’ve seen each other since the proposal date. She’s talking and Chris seems to be doing his best to not look at her legs. (He is failing miserably, unfortunately.)

Chris Harrison asks Becca if she just couldn’t fall in Chris, or if she’s a wet blanket with everyone she meets. She basically says she couldn’t force herself to love Farmer Boy.

Chris rambles on and on (he’s obviously been spending too much time with Whitney). He tells Chris Harrison that he has no regrets for choosing Whitney instead of Becca. (Sorry, guys, he’s not going to pull a Mesnick.)

Finally they bring Whitney out and looks like she’s ready to get impregnated right there on the stage next to Chris Harrison. She’s breathing all weird and heavy and sort of has a case of Crazy Eyes tonight. Chris insists that they are perfect for each other, and that he likes Whitney because she’s just like his sisters. (That’s mildly disturbing, no?)

She’s relieved to have the rock on her finger and can’t wait to start making Corn Children. She won’t, however, watch ‘The Bachelor’ because she doesn’t want to watch her man swap spit with a ton of other skanky women. She should really be in politics; her answers sound perfectly rehearsed. Let’s hope Arlington needs a city councilwoman at some point. Haha, just kidding she’ll be too busy shooting out Corn Children to have much of a career.

To end things, they bring out Jimmy Kimmel (this is becoming a thing now, I guess). Whitney looks annoyed at his presence (or that someone else is getting a chance to talk). Jimmy asks them if they have been regularly making love, and they confirm that they have. Whitney looks like she wants to take that diamond ring and scratch Jimmy’s face when he tells Chris that he picked Whit because Becca wasn’t into him.

Well…someone had to say it.

Jimmy then gifts them a cow…named Juan Pablo.

You know ol’ Juan Pablo es not OK with that joke.

Next, Chris Harrison explains that he and the producers couldn’t decide who to make the next Bachelorette. It is between Britt and Kaitlyn, and Chris asks the audience who they want. It’s an overwhelmingly loud response for Kaitlyn and barely a cheer (and mostly boos) for Britt. He tells us that for the first time in ‘Bachelorette’ history there’s going to be two ‘Bachelorettes.’ And the audience went…mild. No one seems happy about the twist. Wait…so is it like Dueling Bachelorettes? Or Sister Wives? Or what?

The 25 men on the first night will get to choose which lady they want. They bring out Britt and Kaitlyn and we see that Britt has wiped off one to two layers of makeup since she was on the show. RIP Britt’s purple lips.

This is seriously the worst twist ever. I’d rather have Juan Pablo the Cow as the ‘Bachelorette’ than these creeps. Saying it right now– if Britt becomes the ‘Bachelorette,’ The Ashley may have to bail on recaps– she can’t sit through a season full of her dramatics. (To read more of what The Ashley–and former ‘Bachelor’ contestants think about the twist, click here!)

Anyway, that’s it, guys! Until next season!!!

(For those of you who don’t know, The Ashley also recaps other shows. To see all of The Ashley’s recaps, click here!)