We are almost there, friends. In just a few weeks, Kaitlyn will choose whichever goon she wants to “make love” to forever. (And by “forever” I mean two to four months, tops.) After that, we head straight to the reality crapfest that is Bachelor in Paradise and all will be right in the world again.

The episode starts where we left off in Ireland, with Shawn verbally bitch-slapping Nick in the hotel room showdown. Nick, wearing his woolly mammoth hipster smock, doesn’t seem all that concerned that Shawn hates him, which seems to piss Shawn off more. He storms out of Nick’s room, surely to go throw butter knives at photos of Lil Orphan Annie.

Kaitlyn, meanwhile, is preparing for her under-the-sheet-showdown with Peter Brady lookalike Ben. Of course, before they can bone, they have to go on a date. They are going horseback riding, and as soon as Kait gets up on the horse, she says, “This feels right!” (Well, we know she’s used to have her legs apart and riding things.)

Ben seems to think that he still has a shot at becoming Kaitlyn’s husband. We all know this guy’s going to finish in third place, but he’s surely the best choice of the last remaining suitors. They kiss in front of some castles (as you do), and Ben talks about how in love with Kaitlyn he is, how he can’t wait to start their “forever,” and have a bunch of weird pursed-lip kisses.

“I’m so lucky,” Ben says hopefully. (Well, you will be in a few hours, buddy. Keep it in your pants until then!)

Kaitlyn tells him that they will be spending a night in a castle. That night, Ben decides to change into the same white sweater that Kaitlyn was wearing earlier in the day. Seriously, it’s the same one, right? They’re trying to see if we notice. I’m on to your shenanigans, producers.

At dinner, Kait presents Ben with the Fantasy Suite key.

“You know the drill bro, drop trou and meet me in the bed in five,” she basically says.

Ben says that he hates knowing that there are other guys involved (i.e. hitting it) but that’s not enough to deter him from getting his turn at bedding Kait.

“Best sleepover ever!” Ben squeals.

Wait, maybe he isn’t going to be bedding Kaitlyn.

They walk into the Fantasy Suite and, for a castle, it’s not all that extravagant. It kind of looks like the Jaclyn Smith Homewares section of the K-Mart. The whole scene is really creepy. I feel like I’m watching an episode of ‘The Brady Bunch’ and Peter is finally about to lose his virginity.

We don’t get to hear Ben whisper sweet nothings to Kaitlyn during their evening of passion. (He couldn’t top Nick’s “I wanna know every part of you,” line, though.) Kaitlyn said that she and Ben barely got any sleep and now she’ s falling in love with him. (He must have really had a good Fantasy Suite showing! It’s always the quiet ones, you know!)

While she did have fun with Ben, Kait doesn’t have much time to think about her time with Nick (or where she left her panties even), because she is going on a date with Shawn. They get suited up to go golfing, and Kait makes Shawn wear a pink shirt that was surely stolen from Nick’s closet. Shawn’s big on golfing, and thinks that because Kaitlyn has a good golf swing, she’d make a good wife. This, of course, makes total sense to these knuckleheads.

After the golfing, Kait suggests that they play truth or dare. Nick chooses dare because, well, the producers totally made him. Of course, Kaitlyn makes him get naked and golf. He gets a hole in one and then they run off like two lunatics.

That night, Shawn is talking about how “normal” their day was. (Um?) That’s Kait’s cue to ruin the good times and bring up Nick. She wants to know why Shawn is being a great big ol’ baby about Nick, and Shawn admits that he recently confronted Nick for being a crap-goblin.  This makes Kaitlyn nervous, but hey, it’s Fantasy Suite time, so screw it!

They basically run to the Bone Garden and quickly get busy. Kait tells us that when she wakes up in the morning, she’ll know if Shawn could be her husband.

Yikes. No pressure, buddy.

The next morning, Shawn is walking out of Kait’s castle when all of a sudden Nick creeps out from the corner. He’s been chilling in the castle parking lot for who knows how long, and Shawn is not happy to see him. Shawn is looking for the nearest moat to heave Nick into but, unfortunately, there is none.

They sit down to talk, and Shawn tells Nick that he better not talk to Kait about him anymore. Shawn’s leaning forward, bicep muscle rippling, and tells Nick to spin it around and get out of his [manly, chiseled] face.

Nick slunks away, and retreats back to his room to look at H&M catalogs and recurl his hair.

That night, Kaitlyn’s all suited up in an long, orange dress for the Rose Ceremony. Naturally, most of her “special” parts are basically exposed (perhaps she’s airing them out after three rounds in the Fantasy Suite?) She sits down with Chris Harrison to discuss the remaining three guys.

Kait’s not happy that she has to “blindside” someone (i.e. Ben), but it must be done. Chris explains that the two guys that don’t get the boot will get to introduce this um, lady, to their parents. Kaitlyn comes in, gives the boys one more good glance at her “girls” and then pretends to be all emotional about her decision. She runs out, proclaiming she needs more time to make her decision.

Um…seriously? Just cut a guy based on penis size and/or bedroom skills. Duh.

Kaitlyn knows who she has to send home (re: Ben) so she hands out the flowers. The first one goes to Nick, and the creepy “Titantic”-esque piccolo solo begins to play. Either Leonardo DiCaprio is about to go down with the ship, or she’s finally going to dump poor Ben.

She gives the last rose to Shawn, and she is barely able to look at Ben as she escorts him to the Pity Van. She leaves Nick and Shawn in the room alone, and they just stand there, all weird, hating each other and knowing that they have both gone where most likely many, many men have gone before. They just gulp champagne and stand there in silence, while the producers bask in the precious awkwardness of this moment.

Shawn slams his champagne glass down after finishing it, while Nick daintily sets his on the table. I think this is a good interruption of their bedroom styles.

Kait tells Ben that he will make a woman very happy someday and then sends him on his way.

So…is he going to go straight to LA to fill out all the paperwork to be the next Bachelor, or does he get to go home and have his privates pressure-washed first?

The next scene is Kaitlyn arriving in Utah, where Nick and Shawn’s families will be flying in to meet her. Nick comes in first, and starts talking about how the last time he felt like this was when he was competing with some other dude for Andi’s heart on the last season of ‘The Bachelorette.’

That Nick, he really knows what to say to make the ladies swoon, don’t he? Ladies love it when you compare them to the other girls you boned on reality shows. He’s quickly digging himself into a hole so he decides to bust out the “I love you” to save his butt. Kaitlyn tells us that “this is a reminder that this is working” and she knows it will be OK.

Nick’s whole family has flown out to meet Kaitlyn get a free ski trip, and they are all sitting around acting like they are on an episode of Intervention. Everyone is crying and looking nervous. All they need is the creepy theme music and that red-headed lady named Candy telling them that Nick “loves the heck out of them” and wants them to fight for him.

Nick’s brought all of his many, many siblings. The siblings apparently range in age from like 10 to 45 (no wonder his mom looks so tired), and they’ve all shown up to tell Nick to stop trying to bag a wife via reality TV.

The many siblings take turns talking to Kaitlyn. The brothers take her aside and Kait’s eyeing them all, trying to decide which one she’s going to call up once Nick and/or Shawn dumps her.

She talks to Nick’s mom, who basically tells us that 1) she’s tired of having to come on this stupid show and 2) that Kaitlyn seems more into Nick than Andi was. Nick tells his mom later that he likes Kaitlyn for all the right reasons. For instance, he likes that she’s good at making out.

The conversation between Nick and his mom is completely exhausting. Why do these people take so long to get words out? This is just agonizing to watch.

Finally, the family part is over, and Nick and Kait get back to what they’re best at– drinking, straddling each other and making out. Nick, again, proclaims his love for Kaitlyn (while wrapping her legs around his man-junk, as you do). It’s supposed to be all romantic but it’s just sleazy.

Speaking of sleazy, the producers have got Shawn all oiled up and shirtless in order to get the perfect shot of him before he and Kaitlyn go to see his family. Shawn asks Kait if she’s worried to meet his two sisters. Um…she literally just met the entire Von Trapp family for Nick, I think she can handle this.

Meanwhile, Shawn’s sisters and father are sitting around talking crap on how ridiculous this whole premise is when Kait and Shawn come in. Shawn’s mom is a no-show, but they’ve dragged Shawn’s aunt out there to take her place. Maybe she was too embarrassed to show her face on this crap show?

One of Shawn’s sisters takes Kait aside and Kait tells her how she instantly wanted to hump Shawn as soon as he got out of the limo the first night.

“He’s our little Shawn,” the sister tells Kaitlyn. (Kaitlyn begs to differ.)

Kait is really sucking up to the sisters because she knows that their opinions are important to Shawn. The sisters proclaim how in love Kait and Shawn obviously are.

Shawn’s dad, Steve, isn’t convinced. He wants to know why the hell his stud of a son had to go on TV to find a girlfriend (who is also boning like five other dudes). Shawn tries to explain to his dad that he’s never felt like this before.

Later, Shawn and Kaitlyn talk about how great things went with Shawn’s family. He declares that he must tell her something. He’s not falling in love with Kaitlyn, he is in love with her. THEY’RE IN LOVE, PEOPLE! Kait responds in her normal fashion: she wraps her legs around his middle and shoves her tongue down his throat. Shawn was hoping to get an “I love you” back.

Kait goes back to her hotel room to cry about hard her life is, having to chose between two guys who love her.

Seriously, all this chick does is cry and hump. It’s a great preview for Bachelor in Paradise.

Next week, we’ll have to suffer through the horrid “Men Tell All” episode, where we will have to rewatch scenes we’ve watched two to four times already, and listen to grown men argue like 7th grade girls. The Ashley may not be able to sit through that entire crapisode. Pray for me.

To read The Ashley’s recap of the previous episode of ‘The Bachelorette,’ click here!