ABC is seriously trying to kill The Ashley this summer. Doing two recaps a week of this snotrocket of a show is going to permanently cripple The Ashley’s brain. Soon she’ll be jobless, dumb and unable to work. Well, that basically just described everyone on Bachelor in Paradise. Call me, Chris Harrison!

Anyway, in case you missed Sunday night’s episode, you can watch this lil clip to get caught up to speed on the hijinks.

So…basically, the parents of Ashley I. and Mikey will probably go into hiding after watching the last episode.

Monday’s episode kicked off where we left off last night—with Ashley I. crying, Mikey roid-ragin’ and Jonathan still trying to make those horrific bright yellow sunglasses “happen.” Mikey is trying to pretend that he doesn’t want to put his lobster in Clare’s clam, but we all know that he’s just butt-hurt that none of the girls (especially Clare) like him and his man-bun.

Meanwhile, on Jared and Clare’s sailing date, hormones are running high. Clare says she hopes for “major motion in the ocean today.” (We all saw what Clare was able to do in the ocean with Juan Sleazo! This should be good!)

They learn that they’ll be bungie jumping off a cliff. Clare pretends to be scared so that Jared will put his giant meat paws all over her, and her plan works.

“It’s been a long time since I’ve had the comfort of a man,” she tells us.

HAHAHAHAHAHHA! Good one, Clare. Next time tell us the story about how you’re a virgin.

Clare keeps making sex noises while hanging on the bungie, which makes things even more gross.

Back on the beach, Ashley I. is losing her damn mind (and let’s just say there wasn’t much to lose to begin with). She can’t stand that Clare, who is “an old lady” in her opinion, stole Jared away from her and she’s basically complaining to anyone who will listen (re: anyone who is already so drunk by 11 a.m. that they have no clue what she’s saying).

Later that day, Clare and Jared return from their date and Clare is eager to tell her galpals about her big date. Clare’s telling everyone that she loved having her legs wrapped around Jared’s manstick, and Ashley I. keeps eavesdropping.

“This is the worst experience of my life,” Ashley says.

Next, Michael the lawyer from Desiree’s season arrives, ready to wreck Tenley. He’s enamored by her Disney Princess ways, calling her an “Elevenly.”

Watching this episode is the worst experience of my life.

Michael asks Tenley to go on his date with him and she accepts, despite the fact that she has JJ and Joshua pining for her as well. They head out later that night, and JJ and Joshua are feeling insecure about their place in Tenley’s heart/vagina.

Tenley and Michael arrive at their dinner table, which is set up in the middle of some water. They have to get all Jesus and “walk on water” to get to their table.

Michael lays it on really thick at dinner, and goes in for the kiss. As they are chatting, a random Mexican man wades through the water to play Mariachi for them.

He’s not the only one, of course. They march out an entire Mariachi band to surround them so they can bust out their horrific salsa dancing. It’s probably the visual equivalent of putting salsa on Wonder Bread.

Meanwhile, Mikey’s completely desperate. He’s hitting on everyone, including Juelia. This chick has never even talked to Mikey before, but here he is, throwing himself at her. He basically tries to kiss-rape her right on the beach, and she denies him.

Take a hint, buddy. This is just embarrassing.

On the beach, Jared and Clare talk about their “relationship.” He basically calls her an old hag (“but you look great!”) and she doesn’t respond. Clare is eight years older than Jared and, while Clare is happy to be his cougar, Jared doesn’t seem ready for that.

It’s time for the Rose Ceremony (or “Rose” as Chris Harrison is calling it these days). Three guys are getting the boot, but not before they have a chance to pimp themselves out to the unattached ladies. It’s totally obvious that Joe has no interest in Juelia whatsoever, but she seems to have no clue.

Jonathan pulls her aside to try to tell her that Joe’s an asshat. Jon’s hoping for Juelia’s rose but Juelia seems confused. Mikey then takes his turn to try to get Juelia’s flower. He, too, tells her not to give Joe her rose.

Finally, Juelia talks to Joe, who swears up and down he’s really into Julie…er, Juelia.

To us, however, Joe tells us that he’s just after Juelia’s rose and he wants to get to “the next level.”

Um…this is ‘Bachelor in Paradise.’ What’s the next level!? An unplanned pregnancy? Mutual herpes? Come on!

Later, Joe threatens to “beat the brains out of Jonathan’s ears” and knock Mikey out with some brass knuckles. At least, that’s how they do things in ‘Tucky, he says.

Just as Joe’s threatened to beat the bohickey out of Mikey, he approaches Joe and asks him if he actually likes Juelia. Joe swears that he likes Juelia and Mikey believes him. Of course, this is the same guy who believed that Clare actually liked him so…

Joe’s being a little dick off-camera. He tells someone (possibly Clare’s raccoon?) that he just made Mikey his bitch.

Later, Jonathan (who is wearing his finest “Aladdin” vest for the rose ceremony) apologizes to Joe for trying to throw him under the bus. Joe demands that Jonathan go tell Juelia that he’s not an asshat, and he does. He’s tearing up, groveling and begging Joe and Juelia for forgiveness.

There’s no room on this beach for real emotion or kind hearts, Jon. Move along now…

Jonathan runs into the bathroom, legit sobbing like he killed Joe’s best pig or something. Good Lord.

Meanwhile, Jared approaches Ashley I. to try to win her rose. After he basically called Clare an old bag, he knows that Ashley’s his only shot to stay in Paradise. He’s campaigning hard and even sacrifices his mouth to try to snag Ashley’s rose.

Clare, meanwhile, isn’t really feeling like boning anyone. She feels outcasted so she decides to give a random speech about how she’s not here to play games or campaign. She starts wailing that she wants to find love, and everyone seems completely creeped out. Even Ashley S. is looking at Clare like she needs a straight jacket, so you know things are bad.

It’s mercifully time for the Rose Ceremony. Jade speaks up and tells Clare that she is offended by what she just said. Jade declares that she’s here for love and Clare basically tells her to shut her trap or she’ll find raccoon droppings on her bed tomorrow morning.

Carly gives her rose to Kirk, Ashley S. gives hers to Dan, and Jade picks Tanner. Tenley picks Joshua, which shocks both Michael and JJ.

All of a sudden, Clare runs off in tears, declaring she “needs a minute.” (i.e. attention).

Chris Harrison is forced to earn his paycheck. They make him go over and comfort Clare, but looks like he wants to rip her face off.

We are hit with the “To be continued…” which means we will be forced to wait until next week to find out who gets picked, who gets dumped and who gets strapped to a gurney and taken to a Mexican psych ward!

To read The Ashley’s recap of the previous episode of ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ click here!