Yes, The Ashley skipped recapping last week’s episodes but, hey, give her a break. She honestly believes that ABC is trying to kill her by airing back-to-back nights of this crap each week. Have mercy!

Anyway, we pick things up exactly where we left off last week: with everyone still talking about how Joe “screwed over” Juelia by using her to meet Samantha. The man went on one date with this chick and then dumped her, but for some reason everyone in this Hut ‘O’ Craziness is acting like Joe literally murdered Juelia and her entire family with a jagged seashell and then sold their corpses for profit.

ONE DATE PEOPLE! ONE DATE!

Since there isn’t much else going on in ‘Paradise,’ they have to keep harping on this crap.

JJ really wants to get in a fight with Joe. Of course, he doesn’t really care about Juelia either, but he wants to look all tough on TV. (After all, he’s still trying to live down his hot tub romp with Clint and self-slapping from The Bachelorette.)

There’s no fight, unfortunately. (The Ashley would have loved to watch the hillbilly wrestle the Scott Disick-wannabe, all while Ashley I. stands there trying to show everyone her boobs so the attention is back on her.) Joe, however, does deliver one of the best zingers of the season during this scene:

 

The men’s rose ceremony is coming up and JJ offers Juelia his rose out of pity, but she denies it. After all she says, there’s no sense of JJ losing out “on a chance at love.” Hahahaha! Good one, Julia Juelia.

Chris Harrison makes a rare appearance in Paradise to let the ladies know that if they want to stay in this Crap Hole for another “week,” they’ll have to put it all out there. (And by “it” he means all body parts usually covered by a bikini.)

Chris reminds everyone that there will be three “ladies” going home this week and then retreats back to whatever Club Med he’s staying at to wash off the shame (and potential public lice) he got from being around these people for only a few moments.

Joe addresses the group and takes the blame for having a prior relationship with Samantha. Meanwhile, Samantha refuses to admit her part in the Great Pre-Paradise Phone Caper, which pisses off Tanner…who has no connection to any of this at all.

WHO THE HELL CARES?! Seriously. Why are we still talking about this?

Samantha then gets schooled by Clare for being a crappy friend for showing her no-nos to a guy that Juelia liked. Or something. I have no idea what these people are fighting about anymore. Can I go to Club Med with Chris?

Everyone wants Juelia to stay but no guys wants to give her their rose and risk not getting Paradise pootang for a few days.

Meanwhile, Ashley I. still thinks she’s in a relationship with Jared. She likes his crack-a-walnut-on-it jawline and elf-like features and is longing for some physical action. Jared, however, is starting to realize that Ashley is rather creepy.

Anyway, the girls on the chopping block are Ashley S., Clare, Amber and Juelia, so all of them are basically throwing themselves at the “unattached” guys, sacrificing their lady parts for another few days of camera time, as you do.

All of the girls and guys are trying to convince JJ to give Juelia a pity rose. JJ wants to help, but he is really hoping to get into Megan’s Hanes Her Ways in the next few days, so he wants to give her the rose. Megan is acting like the typical 24-year-old: giggling and talking like a schoolgirl when she interacts with JJ. Also…can we just acknowledge that Megan is ten years younger than Clare. And they are both on this show. That is all.

Anyway, Juelia doesn’t want a “sympathy rose.” Instead, she goes to find Chris Harrison to plead her case that she was “swindled” out of her chance at love by that evil hillbilly, Joe. She then concocts the plan to ask Chris if they can bring back Mikey, who was “really kind” (i.e. desperate enough to sleep with anything with a menstrual cycle) and might be her Prince Charming in Puka Shells.

Chris doesn’t give Juelia an answer. Instead, we head right to Rose Ceremony. Juelia’s standing there like a sad sack, watching the other girls get roses. Joshua gives his to Tenley, while Jared gives his to Ashley I. Kurt picks Carly and Tanner gives his flower to Jade.

Next it’s JJ’s turn. He will be one of the wildcard flower-givers and there are several women hoping to get his rose, including Megan and Juelia.

Instead, however, JJ throws everyone through a loop by giving Ashley S. his rose. They haven’t even said two words to each other, and he has no romantic interest in her but, hey, everyone likes a little crazy. JJ then gives a speech about how he dumped his girlfriend to come to this crap pit, but after dealing with all these crazy biotches he realized that the girl he was dating before isn’t so bad.

He tells his “new brothers and sisters” that he’s learned a lot about himself and that he wants his old girlfriend back. (Um…I wouldn’t get back with some dude who dumped me to be on a stupid reality show. Just sayin’!)

JJ leaves all dramatically. How convenient! Now there’s an empty spot in the men’s huts. You know Mikey’s been standing at the men’s hut for hours going, “Can I come in yet? Can I come in yet?”

Joe gives his rose to Samantha (of course), leaving only Dan to choose from Juelia, Amber, Megan and Clare. Dan wants to boink Amber, but is having a hard time looking at the weeping widow Juelia standing there roseless. Still, he goes with his penis and chooses Amber.

Juelia looks like she’s about to keel over, while Clare tells us that it’s all the producers’ fault that she’s still single. After all, if they had made her the ‘Bachelorette,’ she wouldn’t have to keep subjecting herself to these stupid summer shows. Clare announces that she’s retiring from ‘Bachelor in Paradise.’ Um…they don’t exactly get social security out there on Trainwreck Beach so that’s probably a good idea.

Anyway, as Juelia is doing the Charlie Brown walk toward the Pity Van, she notices Mikey standing there. Mikey says that he’s there to try to give his “relationship” with Juelia another chance. Juelia thinks it’s so romantic that Mikey came “all the way back” to Paradise just for her. Well, her, the camera time and the free margaritas, of course.

Mikey rejoins the group, and everyone is surprised, especially Joe who isn’t a fan of Mikey and his deep V t-shirts.

The Gonorrhea Gang heads back to their respective huts for sleeping and sexing, but they discover a date card is waiting for Tanner.

The next day he and Jade board a private plane and drink champagne. They end up going to Tequila, Mexico, where they head to an agave plantation to see how tequila is made. It’s there, surrounded by agave plants (and poor Mexican men who are putting in a full day’s work and watching these lunatics get all this fancy stuff) that Jade and Tanner realize how much they like each other. They head to their makeshift Fantasy Suite, where Tanner tells Jade that he wants her to be his girlfriend in “real life.”

Back on the beach, a new man has arrived. It’s Nick, the man who pulled the best move in the history of summer ‘Bachelor’ trainwreck TV. (If you need a recap, he basically swindled $125,000 from his partner on ‘Bachelor Pad 2.’) Nick seems to be excited to see Samantha, who he says he spoke to before the show.

Looks like ol’ Sammy went on a Twitter messaging bonanza before she came to Paradise! Nick asks Samantha to go on his date, which makes Joe freak out. He’s literally turning green (and getting all sweaty) while Nick and Sam are talking. He’s kind of like a perspiring Frankenstein, no?

Sam ends up denying Nick’s request to take her out, which surprises everyone. Mikey, of course, has to get all the drama and goes and asks Nick why Sam didn’t say yes to his offer. Nick reveals that he, too, spoke to Sam nearly every day before coming to Paradise.

DUN.DUN.DUN.

Nick still needs to go out with someone, so he goes to the bottom of the barrel and finds Ashley S. (and her stupid headband). He asks her to go on a date and she accepts, so they head out to a boat dock. Unfortunately, they learn that the private island they were going to sail to is closed because Carlos is coming.

Hurricane Carlos, that is. These knuckleheads don’t seem to have any clue that there’s a giant tropical storm coming to wash away everything on the beach. Everything but the herpes, that is. That crap stays forever. Just ask Clare.

Anyway, Nick and Ashley’s date is ruined, so they instead go to get massages and do tequila shots. They’re doing one shot after the other and soon enough they have basically downed a whole bottle before the massage ladies arrive. One of the massage ladies has blue streaks in her bangs, looking like she belongs on the Myspace page of an emo band rather than a Mexican massage parlor.

The massage ladies must have gotten a whiff of Nick and Ashley’s  tequila breath because they quickly split, leaving Ashley to massage Nick (and his horrifically gross boner). Soon enough, Nick is pressing his lips (and man sword) into Ashley.

They next head to the hot tub for more tequila and champagne. By this time, they’re completely hammered and barely able to figure out whose body part goes into who.

The next day is Joe’s birthday. He’s all excited to be able to spend it with Samantha. He’s already skeptical, however, as to why she is even with him. After all, he knows she’s way too hot for him. (However, her horrific hair extensions knock her down a few points. Still, though, she’s a solid 8.)

Later, Sam tells Joe that all the drama surrounding him concerns her. She tries to reassure Joe that she still likes him, but Joe’s not convinced.

Meanwhile, Jared is telling some of his pals that he’s not really feeling his “relationship” with Ashley I. “She has much stronger feelings for me than I have for her,” he tells them.

That night, he takes her aside to let her down gently. He tells her to “experience other guys” while in Paradise, but she still has no clue that she’s being dumped. Jared then tells her that he just doesn’t feel any chemistry with her and that even her “Kardashian pool look” isn’t enough to change his mind.

Ashley seems blindsided and refuses to talk. (That’s the best thing she’s done this whole season!) Jared leaves and Ashley, of course, collapses in tears.

Seriously, with as much as this broad cries, Jared probably realized that if he stayed with her, he’d be spending thousands of dollars on Kleenex a year. It’s strictly a business move.

#DodgedaBullet

Since no one wants to throw a birthday party for Joe, he does what anyone would do: He throws a birthday party for himself. The only person that shows up is Samantha who is actually there to dump him.

Dear God, please let him end up having to sing “Happy Birthday” to himself.

Samantha says she saw too many red flags around Joe and that’s partly why she’s dumping him.

As Joe realizes he’s not getting a birthday BJ, he looks like he’s about to cry. Samantha tries to explain that she wants to hump multiple guys while in Paradise, and Joe is devastated.

Sam goes over to the group and announces that she has broken up with Joe. Everyone giggles with glee while Joe stands there ostracized. Joe tells Joshua, his only friend, that he plans to show everyone Sam’s text messages in hopes that he can “clear his name.”

Good.Lord. These people need real problems.

We’ll have to wait until tomorrow to watch Joe enact his revenge on Samantha.

To read The Ashley’s recap of a previous episode of ‘Bachelor in Paradise,’ click here.