Get ready for a very special episode of Teen Mom 2, y’all! MTV is bound to be splattering those “If you or someone you know…” messages all over this dingdang episode! With domestic violence, arrests, and an illegitimate pregnancy this episode is basically just one big PSA of what not to do with your life. As per usual.

The episode jumps right into a Very Special Situation. We start with a black screen, along with the audio of a 911 call being made (by the MTV producers, BTW) about a couple that’s fighting. The police are needed to breakup whatever trashbag brawl is happening. Of course, it’s Nathan and Jenelle who are brawling inside their home. The police head out there to break these two knuckleheads apart and get to the bottom of what happened.

The next thing we see is Jenelle, standing for photos. Since Jenelle’s quite used to having her mugshot taken, she poses with perfect prison poise, even though she’s not actually the one being arrested this time. She’s simply showing off her injuries to the police. She signs a statement that says she was a victim of domestic violence at the hands of her roid-ragin’ fiance thing, Nathan.

Speaking of Nathan, he then comes ’round the corner, screaming and crying. WTF? He’s actually wearing a collared shirt with full sleeves. Um…anyone who’s ever seen an episode of Cops knows that it’s much more interesting if the arrestee comes out in a slightly yellowed wife beater tank and camo shorts. Geez, Nathan. Can you do anything right?!

Nathan is screaming that he didn’t do anything, and begging Jenelle to tell the cops that he was framed!

“Why am I being arrested?” he wails. “Because I’m a guy? Why am I a guy?!”

Nope…too easy, that one….

Nathan keeps screaming that he didn’t do anything (except for, you know, a little toilet wrestlin’).

Anyway, Jenelle fails to say anything, so Nate gets his head stuffed into a cop car and is carted downtown. He continues to wail uncontrollably, leaving us with one final “Jennnnnnnellle!” as he is driven out of sight.

Can we just end the episode here? Seriously, how will they top this? No amount of canned raviolis or Adam’s degenerate friends can ever be better than the scene we just witnessed. The episode could have ended with a Very Special Message from Barbara, with her saying, “I told Juh-nelle he was a no good dirty hustla!”

And….scene!

Alas, that’s not how things work on this show. We have to check in with those other three girls and their collection of baby daddies/boooooyfriends/husbands. Sigh.

We start with Kail, who tells us that things with Javi have gotten better since all their fighting and burger eating caused them to get in a car crash last episode. In fact, they are leaving for their vacation in Florida the next day, and are excited for all the fun they will have.

Meanwhile, Jo and Vee are also having fun. In bed. So much fun in bed that they actually created another ‘Teen Mom 2’ star. That’s right, kids, Vee is pregnant! She lets Jo know this by presenting him with the positive pregnancy test (on the table…ew…) and gleefully exclaiming that she’s having his baby.

“You can keep this one for your collection!” she tells Jo after presenting him with a pregnancy test.

Please, God, tell me that Jo actually does have a collection of positive pregnancy tests. That would just confirm The Ashley‘s suspicions that he’s kind of creepy. (It’s always the quiet ones, you know!)

“I’ma throw mad mood swings at you!” Vee tells Jo. “You’re going to have to just catch ’em and run with ’em!”

This pregnancy makes it even harder for Vee to move to Delaware with Jo, because she won’t have any of her family members around her to help her with those “mad mood swings.” Jo, meanwhile, is waiting for the perfect time to tell Isaac about the baby.

In South Dakota, Chelsea is preparing for her custody court date with Adam. She’s worried that Taylor gave into Adam’s demands for custody of Paislee, and that will hurt her own case.

To make matters even weirder, Adam is trying to manipulate Chelsea too. He texted her for the first time in months and sent her a photo of them as a happy couple in high school. (Um…was that before or after he called Chelsea an “ugly stretch-marked bitch?”)

Chelsea doesn’t fall for Adam’s attempts to make nice. Instead, she goes to see her lawyer (accompanied by Other Chelsey, who’s there for moral support and whatever free snacks the lawyer happens to have in his office).

The lawyer thinks Adam is just trying to soften Chelsea up before court, in hopes that he’ll get the 50/50 custody he’s seeking. He also thinks it’s a bad idea to bring Taylor into her case because, well, she’s still thirsty for Adam’s love juice.

Finally we go on down to Leah‘s house to see what she and the babies are up to. It’s the night before school and the girlseses are driving their mama dingdang crazy, y’all! The babies want to wear makeup to school but Leah isn’t allowing it. (“That’s for my business, y’all! How many times does I have to tell ya that?! Mary Kay is not a toy!”)

Leah’s long-unseen pal, Kayla is back (with gray hair, for some reason). Leah’s trying to have a nice talk with her friend, but those youngins be gettin’ into mischief. Addie is caught trying to write on the wall, while Aleeah’s sassing her.

Leah tells her friend that she only sees Jeremy about 12 hours a week, most of which is spent sleeping and having sex. (Wait now; they’re still doing The Sex even though Jeremy wants to divorce her?)

“So confusing,” Kayla says. (We agree!)

“That’s my life!” Leah sighs.

Back in North Carolina, Babsy is unaware that Nathan has been taken to the clink. She’s busy trying to teach Jace to read, but he’d rather burp out the words.

Down at Jenelle’s Madhouse, Jenelle’s trusty friend Krista is back to listen to Jenelle tell the story of Nathan’s arrest. Jenelle says that Nathan admitted to diddling another girl so she went to pack her stuff. Nathan demanded she give him back his engagement ring but Jenelle refused so Nathan pinned her against the toilet and began wrestling her for it.

AS.YOU.DO.

Jenelle claimed that he ripped off her ring and locked all the doors and windows. The neighbors (and by “neighbors” she actually means “terrified MTV producers”) called the cops after hearing her screams. Now, the state is charging him with criminal domestic violence and she has no choice in the matter.

Jenelle claims she’s planning to move out of their shared Mad House.

In Jersey, Isaac is spending time with Jo. He tells Isaaac that he has a surprise for him. Isaac gets all excited until he finds out that his surprise is actually the illegitimate child growing in Vee’s womb.

Isaac has the look of a kid who just went trick-or-treating all night and then realized all he got were Tootsie Rolls. Jo keeps asking him if he’s excited and Isaac keeps saying “NO!”

This may be one of my favorite scenes of the season.

Later, Kail picks up Isaac from Jo’s and finds out that Vee and Jo are expecting. Kail’s isn’t concerned with the baby or Jo. She is, however, concerned that her upcoming vacation will be ruined due to her and Javi fighting. They agree to keep the peace.

A few days later, Kail and Javi are in Florida with their family and friends. Javi has planned a big night out in honor of Kail’s birthday that night.

Javi’s family is there to watch the kids, so Javi, Kail and their friends head out for the night in a rented limo. Being in the limo brings mixed emotions for Kail, since the last time she was in an oversized car like that, she was letting Rappin’ Jo put his pork sword under her Forever 21 prom dress. (“I got knocked up at prom!” she tells her pals.)

The limo is equipped with club lights and a fog machine, and Kail is in awe. They finally make it to the club, where Kail is appreciative of the big night that Javi planned for her birthday.

Back in South Dakota, it’s court day! Chelsea is heading to court with her whole crew. There’s Randy, Rita and even Other Chelsey, all packed into one of the Houska’s giant cars. After dropping off Aubree at daycare, they head to court where they will battle Adam.

MTV is playing intense music more appropriate for a murder mystery than ‘Teen Mom 2.’ We watch Adam eat his burger and drink his milkshake before court, all to the tune of some very suspenseful music.

Will he eat the pickles?! Did they forget the Secret Sauce!?

DUN.DUN.DUN!!!

Adam’s trusty hooligan pal, Justin, drives him to the courthouse. They arrive right before Chelsea and her gang. For some reason, MTV is not allowed inside the court hearing, but Chelsea tells us that the judge denied Adam’s request for 50/50 custody and unsupervised visits. She also tells us that Adam got thrown in jail at the end of the hearing for failing to pay Paislee’s child support.

Two baby daddies in jail in one episode!? It’s as if Christmas came early, guys!

“#ChelseaWins”

Later that day, Justin bails Adam out of jail and Adam says it was an unfair ruling. Since he’s not drinking or “doing bars” he thinks it will be easy for him to eventually prove he’s not a complete hooligan.

“All they have to judge you by is your record,” Justin tells Adam. “Chelsea doesn’t have a record so they have nothing to judge her on.”

Um…are you trying to make a case for Adam? You’re failing miserably, bro.

Things aren’t going well for Leah either. She tells us that Jeremy officially served her with divorce papers– at the gosh dern grocery store! She’s walking around like a zombie, carrying a baby (or two) and dropping Aleeah off at cheerleading practice. She goes to sit in her car to cry and her friend comes out to comfort her.

All this time, MTV is legit trying to get “#JeremyServesLeah” to trend on Twitter. Seriously.

Leah’s friend is comforting her and then Leah gets a phone call. It’s her pal Amber so Leah just ditches the friend who came out to comfort her and goes to give the full story to Amber on the phone. What a dick.

She tells Amber that she never expected that Jeremy would divorce her, given that she’s the “love of his life.” (Um?) She still can’t believe that the fateful divorce papers came via a grocery store servant. Poor Leah. She was just trying to buy her economy pack of Squeeze-its and gallon jug of baloney-like product when all of a sudden a guy crawls out of the soup aisle and hands her divorce papers.

DINGDANGIT!

Leah’s got the mascara running down her face, which is reminiscent of the period that she and Corey were divorcing. (With all of the drama and divorce this girl goes through, you’d think she would at least invest in some damn waterproof mascara when she sees her relationships hitting the skids. Geez. Doesn’t Mary Kay sell that?)

The next day, Leah’s enlisted the help of her mom, Dawn, to watch her litter. Addie is screaming like someone took her last juice grenade and trying to escape out of the window. Later, Leah tells her cousin that she’s so stressed out that she feels she may need to get some help. She says she’s been pushed to the edge and that she doesn’t care about herself anymore. She wants to go to a “facility” to get “intense therapy.”

Leah is still “researching the place” (i.e. making sure MTV will pay for it), but feels that it will help her.

She tells us that taking care of all three girlseses is overwhelming for her, so she let the twins go to Corey’s house. She calls Jeremy to talk about their recent “ups and downs” and let him know of her plan to go to a “therapeutic treatment place.” She plans to leave Addie with her mom, and Jeremy is happy that Leah is finally taking steps to better herself.

Unfortunately, Jeremy isn’t budging on the divorce. (#TheDivorceStillStands)

In Carolina, Nathan’s been sprung from the big house, but he’s unable to have any contact with Jenelle. He tells his friend that he wasn’t trying to hurt Jenelle and “somehow” he got arrested.

“I’m pretty sure if I was beating the sh*t out of her, it would have been a lot worse than a scratch on her pinky!” Nathan says proudly, while stretching his arms out to show off his biceps in his cut-to-within-an-inch-of-its-life bro tank.

Nathan says that it’s actually Jenelle’s fault that he has to cheat on her, being that she doesn’t give him enough attention. However, not having contact with Jenelle is making him miss her.

“Our hearts are both the same,” he says. “They beat in sync.”

Yup, they both beat to the tune of “Crazy as Hell!”

Jenelle is going to look at apartments, but Nathan is telling her that he wants to work things out. Jenelle and her friends are driving around in the dark when Nathan calls Jenelle’s friend. He’s promising that if Jenelle gives him another chance, he will change “dramastically.”

Somehow, none of these nitwits even realize that “dramastically” isn’t an actual word. MTV makes sure to point this out, which The Ashley really appreciates.

This is “dramastically” better than any other episode this season– what with two arrests, a trip to court, crying in the car and bad hair extensions. You can’t top it!

To read The Ashley’s recap of the previous episode of ‘Teen Mom 2,’ click here!

(Photo: MTV)