Who’s ready for the dramatic two-night finale of Bachelor in Paradise!?

Cricket….cricket….the crowd goes mild.

Anyway, Night 1 of the two-night finale starts off with the couples scrambling to find everlasting love in the final few days on Trainwreck Beach. After spending weeks on the beach, everyone is looking a little rough. Girls are sporting roots that are a foot long, guys are starting to look like pieces of crispy chicken, and there are wayward Lee Press-On Nails scattered all over the sand!

Ashley I. has desperately kidnapped Jared in hopes of him taking her alleged “virginity.” How the hell do all of these people actually believe that this broad is a virgin?!

They head to a candlelit spot (which the poor production assistants were probably pulled out of bed to set up) to drink champagne and talk about Ashley’s alleged lack of sexual history. She wastes no time whipping out the Fantasy Suite card to beg Jared to crawl between the sheets with her. He looks frightened, like Ashley just suggested they wrap themselves in smallpox blankets. For some reason, he agrees to spend the night with Ashley, though.

Ashley assumes that this means she’s going to go to the boneyard with Jared:

“Hopefully it doesn’t hurt a lot!” she tells us.

Um…no offense but ol’ Jared doesn’t exactly look like the kind of guy who has to buy Magnum condoms. You’ll be OK, Ash.

Back on the beach, the gals are organizing a mimosa party by the pool. Juelia is trying her best to pretend that she’s really into Mikey, since she basically begged Chris Harrison to bring this goober back so she didn’t have to slunk away alone and depressed.

Mikey, however, doesn’t really seem to be feeling our (un)merry widow anymore. He tells the guys that he only thinks of Juelia as a friend and can’t picture being romantic with her. He decides that he has to go tell Juelia that their “relationship” is over.

He downs a Muscle Milk and marches over to Juelia. He dumps her as nicely as he can, but Juelia seems to be shocked that even freaking Mikey doesn’t want her. That’s gotta hurt.

Of course, Juelia starts blubbering as Mikey keeps telling her how “special” she is. Juelia runs back to where the rest of the Gonorrhea Gang is to let them know that, now that she’s dumped, she’s going home. She keeps telling people she’s leaving, but continues to stick around and cry.

“Juelia is here to find a father for her child,” Carly tells us.

Does anyone else find that completely embarrassing?! That’s like trying to find your kid a dad in the Manson family. Good Lord.

Meanwhile, Jaclyn is trying to find someone to tickle her on her date. Since Ashley stole Jared away before Jaclyn could rub her lady parts on him and call dibs, it’s slim pickings. She settles on Justin, who accepts her date card.

All of a sudden, another girl comes walking in. It’s Cassandra, the single mom that Juan Pablo kept trying to lickey lickey. She’s armed with a date card, of course, and goes to speak with the girls to see which piece of manmeat is up for grabs. She, too, is interested in Justin and asks him out. Justin accepts, but remembers that he’s already accepted a date with Jaclyn.

Faced with the choice between gorgeous former NBA cheerleader Cassandra and Jaclyn, Justin chooses Cassandra. He then has to go break the news to Jaclyn that he’d rather go with the person that’s hotter. Jaclyn is, of course, surprised and angry since what Justin did was a total dick move.

Justin used the fact that he and Cassandra are both (crappy) parents who left their kids to go on a reality show to explain his choice.

Justin and Cassandra ride horses on the beach, and Justin is enamored by how well Cassandra can ride things. He’s ready to hump her right there in the horses’ trough, but manages to keep it in his pants long enough to talk about his son.

They are both talking about how their kids are their worlds (yet they both had no problem leaving them to boink random people on reality shows—twice!)

Meanwhile, Jared and Ashley arrive back on Trainwreck Beach and everyone is eager to know if Ashley is still a “virgin.” They aren’t talking (yet), leaving the gang with blue balls.

Ashley later tells us that she enjoyed watching Jared sleep (UM?!) and that she’s in love with him. She’s says this while wearing a “I’m a Kim” T-shirt, mind you, which means that someone really needs to put her on a boat and send her out to the Gulf of Mexico.

While Ashley’s in love, Jared’s barely in like. His overnight with Ashley made him realize that he doesn’t like Ashley at all. Yet again, he has to tell Ashley that he’s not interested in her. (Keep the paper and pencils away from Ashley, or you’ll get another 24 page letter, Jared. FRONT AND BACK!)

He tells her that, while he had fun on their overnight, he feels no real “connection” with her. He’s willing to leave Paradise all together to escape Ashley, her tears and her stupid letters. Of course, she collapses into tears as Jared says goodbye to the rest of the gang. Jared doesn’t even bother to pack his stuff—he literally runs to the airport shuttle as fast as he can. She’s blubbering as she says goodbye but Jared never takes his eyes off that van. He jumps in there and speeds off as fast as he can.

“She’s not suffering anymore, and that’s the most important thing,” he tells us of Ashley.

WTF? Did Jared euthanize Ashley or something?!

Ashley is literally wailing about how she’ll never find another guy who will put up with her horrible personality, and no one is really contesting that.

It’s time for Justin and Cassandra’s date, and Jaclyn is telling anyone who will listen that she doesn’t even like Justin. She’s sitting by herself so Nick approaches her to see if he can swipe her date card to go and try to woo Samantha.

He’s all sweaty and leathery as he begs Jaclyn for her card. Of course, Jaclyn’s still a little sore about Nick stealing $250,000 from her best friend on Bachelor Pad a few years ago.

She makes him roll around on the sand like he’s got a bad case of pubic lice to “embarrass” him. She then gives him the date card so he can ask Sam out. (Seriously, bro, Jorge the Bartender has a better shot with Samantha than you do.)

Nick scurries across the beach, eager to ask Samantha out. He’s still covered in sweat and sand, but she accepts his date card offer.

That night, Nick picks Sam up for the date. It’s like that episode of Family Matters where Laura feels bad and agrees to go on a date with Urkel, even though she has absolutely no interest in him. We can all tell that Samantha can barely stand Nick, but Nick seems to have no clue.

They go walking on the beach and Nick is just putty in Sam’s hand. They arrive at a restaurant where a private chef tells them she’s cooking a special dinner for them. Somehow, Nick is resisting the urge to crush beer cans on his head and is actually acting civilized during dinner.

He tells us that a date with Sam is better than that time he won $250,000 on ‘Bachelor Pad.’ Actually, dude, you should tell Sam about that. If she knows that you have money, you may have a shot of bagging this broad.

Nick goes in for the kiss. Samantha looks like she’d rather be kissing a Petri dish full of scabies, but she goes along with the charade.

Back on the beach, everyone is bagging on Samantha. They all feel like she’s a black widow who uses and abuses men.

Carly is busy snuggling up with Kirk. She tells us that she can see herself being married to Kirk, and it seems that Kirk feels the same way about her.

It’s time for the next Rose Ceremony, and the men are giving out the flowers. It’s basically the night where the “real couples” will declare their feelings, and the desperate loners will scramble to try to find someone to go to bed with for the next few days.

Chris Harrison announces that there will be no cocktail party and everyone is freaking out (no free booze!) He tells them that it’s time to figure out if they see a future with any other member of the Chlamydia Crew.

Of course, Ashley has to take the moment to turn all the attention on her. She announces that she’s leaving Paradise because Jared is gone. (Well, that and the fact that she’s about to be left roseless and alone.)

She announces that she’s “grown up” in Paradise (UM!?) and will use that experience in the future. Honestly, I think she’s just trying to leave in time to catch Jared at the airport so she can corner him in front of the airport Burger King and force him to make out with her again.

Anyway, it’s time to line up all the women for the men to take a gander at. Jaclyn’s wearing an outfit last seen on the main stage of a sleazy strip club, naturally. However, all the fishnet in the world isn’t going to score her a rose tonight.

Kirk gives his rose to Carly, and Tanner gives his to Jade. Nick offers his to Samantha and she accepts, and Joshua gives his flower to Tenley. Justin chooses Cassandra, leaving Dan unsure who he should pick. He makes a speech to all of the women he’s had in the past—Ashley S. and Amber—and tells everyone that he’s leaving without handing out his rose.

That means Mikey has the final rose to give out. He has no real connection with anyone, but he chooses Mackenzie. Unfortunately, she wants nothing to do with Mikey and his protein shakes and turns him down.

AWKWARD!

She piles into the pity shuttle with Dan, leaving Mikey standing there with his rose and no woman. He doesn’t bother to pick from the leavings and decides to go home instead.

That sends home Jaclyn, Amber, Chelsie and Ashley S.

There are only five couples left in Paradise, but the drama’s not over!

The camp is feeling very empty to the remaining 10 people, so Chris Harrison comes over to make an announcement. There will be no more people coming to Paradise, and the remaining couples will all get an overnight date. (Chris should just start making it rain condoms.)

The girls all chat about the Fantasy Suites. Cassandra is nervous because she literally just met the dude she’s going to be thrown into the California King bed with.

Unfortunately, Kirk is feeling a little uneasy about his relationship with Carly. Although she’s ready to marry him, Kirk is starting to question his feelings for her. He says he’s not feeling a spark for Carly anymore, but she has no idea he’s about to lower the boom and break up with her.

Carly’s already picking out china patterns for their home, but Kirk knows what he has to do. He doesn’t want to hurt her but he knows he doesn’t want to marry Carly like she’s planning.

He heads up to where Carly is chatting with the gals, and takes her down to the beach. He thanks her for being a great person to bed while in Paradise. He tells her that, while he did have real feelings for her at one point, he’s not looking for a “real life” girlfriend.

Carly doesn’t want to talk to Kirk anymore, and even threatens to vomit on him. Even Kirk doesn’t seem to understand why he’s dumping Carly, and she certainly doesn’t get it either. He tells her that he hasn’t really liked her for at least a week and she begins to run away from him.

Kirk can’t believe how badly the conversation went. UM…have you ever heard of a gradual breakup, Kirk? You basically just smacked her with a frying pan in the ovaries.

Carly demands a car to take her to the airport and starts frantically throwing her crap into a suitcase in between sobs. Jade and Tenley are angry about what Kirk did to their friend, and are wondering why Kirk waited until the last minute to crush her heart.

Kirk comes into their hut and tries to beg Carly to talk to him again but she refuses. She’s brokenhearted and feels that Kirk led her on the whole time.

Kirk leaves Paradise, stating that he just had the worst breakup of his entire life. Carly leave too, angry and upset.

The Ashley feels really bad for Carly. That was a dick move, Kirk. At least dump her at the airport like a respectable person.

One more episode and then we are finally done with this crapfest!

To read The Ashley’s previous ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ recap, click here!

(Photos: ABC)