We’ve made it to the end, kids! This week was the (final) finale of this season of Bachelor in Paradise and we’ve managed to sit through all of Ashley I’s tears, and all of Samantha’s many “relationships” to make it to this point.

I’m proud of us. Also, I feel bad for us. We need hobbies.

In case you missed Monday’s finale, The Ashley will break down what happened for you.

The episode starts out with the four remaining couples getting ready for their Fantasy Suite overnight dates. It’s kind of awkward because two of the four couples—Samantha and Nick and Cassandra and Justin—literally just met. They haven’t even had time to learn each other’s last names and they’re already expected to bump uglies on a bed full of rose petals.

The girls have something else on their minds, though. Carly was just crushed by Kirk’s breakup, and it’s weighing on all of the girls.

The guys, of course, are just worried about getting laid in the Fantasy Suites.

“She might let Carly’s breakup get inside her head,” Tanner says of his girlfriend Jade.

Tanner, of course, is also hoping to get inside of Jade.

Justin, too, is hoping to “get to know” Cassandra better. After all, he’s known her almost 24 hours and knows that she’s the type of girl he wants to bang date.

Nick, of course, is still completely smitten by Samantha. It’s getting really sad, actually. Poor Nick seems to have no idea of what he’s getting into with this broad. He knows that Sam has a habit of ripping out men’s hearts and eating them but he doesn’t care because well, she has all of her teeth, which is probably a trait lacking from most of the women Nick dates.

All of the couples head off on their big dates. Nick and Samantha are having dinner and Nick is chattering on about how gorgeous and amazing and wonderful Samantha is. She is staring at him like he’s a fool (he is, of course) and it’s so obvious that she has no interest in this dude.

Nick doesn’t really care, though. He gets Sam into the Fantasy Suite and it looks like even he can’t believe it.

Meanwhile, Justin is nervous to ask Cassandra to bone him in the Fantasy Suite. She’s hesitant to accept the offer, stating that it’s inappropriate for a mom to jump into the sack with some random dude on national TV.

Wait, what? Sorry, it’s just shocking when someone shows a sliver of morality on this show.

Tenley, meanwhile, is contemplating her relationship with Joshua. She starts yammering about “protecting her heart” and “being honest with herself.” (Why does she always talk like one of those Duggar girls?)

Tenley admits that she’s older now and can’t keep making the same mistakes over and over. (Otherwise she’ll end up like Clare!)

She decides to go into the Sex Suite with Joshua, despite her initial reservations.

Finally we catch up with Jade and Tanner. Although Jade is nervous that she’ll be the next one to end up brokenhearted in the Pity Shuttle, Tanner is no fool. He’s not letting a catch like Jade go. He reveals that he is in love with her, and she tells him that she loves him too.

Now that they’ve proclaimed their love, it’s time for them to bang one out in the ol’ Suite. They get the sentimental music playing behind their kissing scene because, well, they’re in love now.

The next morning, we see Jade and Tanner in bed after their night of sweet lovin’. They’re cuddling in their bathrobes, but Jade is still freaking out about what will happen with her and Tanner.

The couples all meet up at Trainwreck Beach to discuss their overnight dates. Chris Harrison tells them that the Final Rose Ceremony is coming up, and it will be a different kind of ceremony. Couples who give and receive roses are stating that they want to be together in “real life” outside of Paradise.

Justin is worried that Cassandra has reservations about dating him. Cassandra’s not sure if Justin’s right for her.

Um…girl, sit down! Less than a year ago, you were drooling over freaking Juan Pablo! Quasimodo would be a step up!

Joshua tells Tenley that he’s serious about their relationship, but Tenley’s not sure. They live far away from each other, and she knows that the distance will cause problems.

It’s time for everyone to give out the final flowers. Justin’s up first. He heads down to the beach and waits for Cassandra. She walks down to meet him and he launches his speech about having a “strong foundation” with her. (UMM!?)

Justin offers her the rose, and Cassandra accepts, and she gives him her rose. They walk off hand-in-hand, just in time for Nick to meet up with Samantha.

He stands on the beach and waits for Sam. He is anxious to know if Sam is as “serious” about their “relationship” as he is.
LOL’zzzz

Of course, he presents the rose to her. Shockingly, Samantha accepts it.

I think that will work out. At least long enough for Nick to carry Samantha’s luggage to the airport.

Next up on the block is Joshua. He’s worried after his last talk with Tenley but is confident that she’ll be unable to resist his charm. Joshua says that he wants to keep dating Tenley after Paradise and then waits for her response.

Tenley starts off with “You’re an amazing man.”

Uh-oh…that’s the kiss of death, bro.

Unfortunately, Tenley isn’t so keen on moving to Idaho to be with this yokel. She doesn’t want to waste another couple of years dating a dude from the ‘Bachelor’ franchise, after which she’ll end up in her mid-thirties and forced to go on yet another ‘Paradise’ season. She thanks Joshua for making her feel loved and they walk off in tears.

She has to hop right into the Pity Shuttle and watch as her “true love” stays behind. Once in the shuttle, Tenley wonders if she’s made a big mistake dumping Joshua.

The last couple up is Jade and Tanner. Jade heads to meet Tanner on the beach and she’s worried that he will dump her, Kirk-and-Carly-style.

Jade gives her speech first. She tells him how much she loves him and that she wants to be with him. She gives him her rose, and it’s Tanner’s turn to speak. He launches into a speech about coming to Paradise for the free drinks (hey, at least he’s honest!) He then refuses to give Jade a rose, which shocks her.

He tells us that their love is worth so much more than a rose…it’s worth a Neil Lane sparkler, baby!

Tanner proposes and Jade says yes. The inspirational music comes flooding in and the remaining Paradisers cheer from the balcony.

The final six meet up on the beach to drink champagne and celebrate their happiness. Of course, Tanner picks up Jade and they walk into the sunset together.

We then get an update on some of the notable Paradisers.

JJ got rejected by his ex-girlfriend that he left ‘Paradise’ for. Ashley I. is still obsessed with Jared and he still doesn’t like her. Joe is still single (shockingly!) and Kirk and Carly are still not talking.

Jade and Tanner are still together and planning to get married…next summer…in Mexico!

We jump to the horrific “After Paradise” talk show, where Sean and Catherine have been wheeled out (of course!) to talk about whatever the hell these two talk about on every single ‘Bachelor’ show. Good God. I can’t, guys.

Until next season….

To read The Ashley’s previous ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ recap, click here!