It’s the second episode of Bachelor Ben’s journey to find love, which means it’s about time for people to start “falling for” Ben (not to mention about the time where one of these girls is going to fake a medical emergency for attention). Oh, and surely someone is going to show Ben their no-no’s on national TV. I mean, it is week two!

The episode starts off with a champagne toast to Ben. This is only the second episode, so The Ashley doesn’t know all of these broads’ names yet, so please bear with her.

The next morning, the first date card arrives for a big heap of girls. Lace, who was basically a great big ol’ drunken trashpit last episode, is happy that she will get another chance to show that she’s not crazy. She insists that she’s actually a very classy girl. She does this, of course, right before she tells us how she wants to maul Ben with her mouth, Juan Pablo-style. As you do.

The girls arrive at the date, which will take place at a high school that has been renamed “Bachelor High.”

Dear God. This is like the setting of a bad adult movie. I think I’ve seen this one.

They head to the Principal’s Office, where they find Chris Harrison dressed up as some sort of weird nerd/hipster guy. The girls learn they will partner up and do some sort of scavenger hunt. The first class is science class. The girls are instructed to make “Ben’s volcano explode.”

Ben, our little Brady boy, seems to have no idea this “exploding volcano” is some sort of bad metaphor for sex.

Four teams move on to the next challenge, which takes place in the cafeteria. The girls have to use their mouths to get apples from a tank, and then exchange the apple with their partner.

Ben is standing there, watching the girls exchange the apples with their mouths. This is the most action Ben has seen since he held hands with Kaitlyn!

The next class is geography. They are simply tasked with placing the state of Indiana on the map of the United States.

Most of the girls look completely confused. Someone help JoJo. She seems to think Indiana is a country in the Middle East.

The final “class” is gym, where the girls have to do a lay-up contest. JoJo seems surprised when she learns that the contest actually involves basketball, not sexual favors. Go figure!

It’s between Amber and Mandi to run the track to win the title of homecoming queen. Naturally, Mandi wins because…well, Amber never wins.

Mandi’s wrapped in a cloak and crown and is paraded around the track in a car with Ben.

Some of the other girls are legit crying that they weren’t chosen. Um…it’s a plastic crown and a dude that looks like Bobby Brady. Let’s not get too emotional over this, girls.

Back at home, another date card has arrived. All the girls are excited, but none as excited as Olivia, who’s got her mouth opened so wide that it’s actually scary. Save it for the Fantasy Suites, girl!

Watch the clip below to see Olivia’s odd mouth-opening scene in all its terrifying glory:

The first one-on-one date goes to Caila, and everyone is bummed out.

Later that night, Ben and the girls on the date head to what will be the first of many, many hotel pools for a cocktail party. Lace tells us that her goal is to make sure Ben knows she’s not crazy…which, of course, means that she’s going to go absolutely bats*t crazy by the end of the night.

Ben takes Becca aside to play basketball and find out what the hell she’s doing back on this stupid show. Becca explains that she only came because it was Ben as the Bachelor and, unlike when she was paired up with HeeHaw Soules last season, she is actually into the guy in charge.

After Becca is shuffled away, Jennifer (who no one remembers from the first night) comes over and snakes the first “real” kiss. Lace is furious, because, as you may remember, she tried to kiss-rape Ben last episode and got rejected by him.

Of course, Lace immediately steals Ben to apologize for her drunken lushy behavior on the first night. Ben, who still seems extremely frightened of Lace, accepts her apologize and confirms that, yes, she was indeed super-creepy and demanding. Right as Lace attempts to kiss Ben, Jubilee interrupts and steals Ben. She tells him that she was adopted from a Haitian orphanage as a child, which garners a kiss from Ben.

“Kissing him makes me feel really special,” Jubilee tells us.

Um…he still had Jennifer’s spit in his mouth from their kiss five minutes before yours. It’s not that special.

Lace is once again complaining to all the other girls that she hasn’t had enough time with Ben. She decides to go steal him again from whatever broad he’s trying to tongue wrestle. This, of course, infuriates all of the other girls. Lace tells us that she’s determined to get the date rose for the night.

You know what you’re not getting, Lace? A kiss. And you’re the only one. Even Jorge the pool boy probably got a kiss…but you still didn’t.

In.The.Face.

Ben takes JoJo for some alone time. They go up on the rooftop and Ben tells JoJo that he likes that she has a good attitude (unlike some of those other demanding biotches). Ben obviously wants to get a piece, and seems to be waiting for her to stop blabbing so he can insert his tongue in her mouth.

It’s time for Ben to hand out the stupid date rose. It goes to JoJo, who’s thrilled. It’s always fun when a date rose is given out, because it’s fun to watch the other girls’ faces go from totally thrilled to completely crestfallen within two seconds.

The next day is Caila’s one-on-one date with Ben. He arrives to pick her up, and she’s totally swooning.

Apparently, Chris Harrison has planned the date. He’s invited a few “friends” (aka people are probably trying to pitch some sort of project on ABC). It’s Kevin Hart and Ice Cube! They walk through the door and half of these broads obviously have no idea who the hell these people are. Several of them think they just met Kanye West.

Kevin, Ice Cube, Ben and Caila head to every girl’s dream date location—the liquor store! Ice Cube insists that Ben needs condoms and alcohol to try to get in Caila’s pants, but Ben looks terrified. He’s legit asking Caila things like, “What’s your favorite color?”

They arrive at a spa store, where Kevin Hart insists that Caila and Ben get in one of the sample hot tubs. (Ben will probably come out in a wetsuit and flippers.) Kevin crawls in the tub and quickly drops trough. Caila looks happy that there is finally some D on this date, but, again, Ben looks terrified.

We go to the commercial break, where we immediately watch a commercial for a new movie starring…guess who? Kevin Hart and Ice Cube! (Told ya.)

Back on the date, Caila and Ben chat about what they look for in a mate. Ben reveals that he was nervous that all the girls would leave on Night 1.

Um…that would never have happened. Two words… “Contractually obligated.”

Caila reveals that she broke up with her serious boyfriend recently. She omits the fact that she did it because she saw Ben on TV and wanted to bone him.

Ben’s digging Caila, so he presents her with the date rose. They stroll through the streets before arriving at a theater where they are treated to—guess what? A PRIVATE CONCERT! Who would have thought? On ‘The Bachelor’ none the less?

It’s some dude that no one has heard of—except Ben, of course, who claims this guy is one of his favorite singers. Why do I feel like they found him outside singing for tips and brought him in?

The next day, six more girls get a date with Ben. It’s the twins, Olivia (and her big mouth) and a couple other girls who I can’t identify. They arrive at a building and see a bunch of people in white coats.

Colonoscopies for everyone?

Ben says that “Doctor Love” and the rest of the white coats will be measuring the chemistry between each girl and Ben. “Doctor Love” starts talking about parts of the brain and the twins look totally confused.

Next, the girls are made to run on a treadmill and Ben is forced to sniff their sweaty pits, as well as their, um, hip area.

“It smells like fruit,” Ben says after sniffing Olivia’s no-no region. “Very sweet.”

He then sniffs Samantha, who he claims smells like sour Chinese food.

YUMMY!

Finally, each girl has to go into a room with Ben to see what kind of thermal energy they have together. They have to lie down and Ben gets to feel up each of the girls. You can just hear Ben giggling like Beavis and Butthead while he touches the girls’ boob areas.

After all this creepiness, it’s time to announce the scores. We find out that Sam (the chow mein queen) got the lowest score at 2.4 out of 10. She’s horrified and looks like she wants to go hose off the shame. That will teach her to buy her body wash at the dollar store!

Olivia is the winner, with a score of 7.4 out of 10. The others girls are pissed. Ben takes Olivia aside for some alone time and they instantly start making out. The other girls are angry that Ben is so into Olivia, even after he assures them that he likes them all.

He even takes Samantha aside and tells her that she doesn’t smell that bad.

Amanda later decides that it’s time to spring the “I’ve got a bushel of kids” topic on Ben. He pretends to be thrilled, but is obviously surprised that she’s got two kids under the age of three that she ditched to be on this stupid show. Also…one of her kids is named Jarlee. Seriously. No.

“Kids don’t scare me,” Ben declares.

Just to prove his point, he kisses Amanda too. Of course.

It’s finally time to hand out the date rose. Ben gives it to Olivia, and no one is really shocked. Of course, Olivia is gloating that she snagged a second date rose. Amanda is upset, because even mentioning Jarlee and…the other kid…didn’t get her a rose.

The next night is the cocktail party and rose ceremony. Some of the girls are looking quite worried that they’re going to be sent home brokenhearted. They are all eager to get time with Ben, even Olivia who already has a rose.

Olivia steals Ben away and makes out with him. She later comes back to the other girls and tells them that now that she’s slobbered all over Ben, they can have him.

This doesn’t set well with Lace, of course. She takes Olivia aside and basically asks her why she’s acting like a great big bitch. It’s seriously like watching a younger Cameron Diaz arguing with a tattoo-less Kat Von D. It’s really weird.

Finally Lace gets some alone time with Ben, and immediately talks about how crazy she’s not. She keeps talking and talking about herself, and Ben looks super relieved when some other chick comes to steal him away.

Most of the other girls are starting to realize that they don’t have a shot at sticking around. Amber, of course, is one of those girls.

Later, Ben pulls Amanda aside and asks if they can make some hair barrettes for her daughters. It’s a nice gesture but…sorry, Ben. Little Jarlee (who is actually named Charlie, I just found out but…I still like Jarlee better) still hates you for taking her mommy away.

Meanwhile, Amber still hasn’t gotten any time with Ben.

“I’m basically in last place right now,” she tells us.

If it makes you feel any better, Amb, you wouldn’t have gotten a rose even if you had gotten time with Ben before the rose ceremony. See ya on ‘Bachelor in Paradise!’

It’s finally time to line up the ladies for the Rose Ceremony. Everyone’s there, including Sweet ‘n’ Sour Pork Samantha (who has probably doused herself in a gallon of Chanel No. 5 after what happened on her smell date.)

The first rose goes to Amanda (sorry Jarlee— momma’s not coming home yet!) Jubilee gets the next one, followed by Lauren B. Ben then calls Leah, Becca and Rachel. (Wait…who the hell is Rachel?)

Lace gets the next rose, followed by LB.

LB pulls Ben aside instead of accepting the rose. Ben comes back in and announces that LB just dumped him. Since the producers already paid for the rose, Ben says that he’ll be giving it out to one of the losers he had planned to dump.

He gives roses to Jennifer and Emily (twin #1). Jamie is called next, followed by Lauren H. and Shoshanna. Hayley (twin #2) is called, and it’s down to only the Loser Rose. He gives it to Amber. (The producers obviously made him do that, because they, too, were tired of hearing her whine about not getting any time with Ben.)

Tonight we lose Samantha (the sweet and sour lawyer), Mandi (the rose head) and Jennifer.

Next week, there will be helicopters, hot tubs and hotel room kissing. Of course, Amber will continue to whine about not getting time with Ben, and everyone will cry about Jubilee and Olivia being bitchy.

To read The Ashley’s recap of the previous episode of ‘The Bachelor,’ click here!

(Photos: ABC)