Put your negligee on and pop a bottle of champagne because it’s Fantasy Suite week! The girls will all get to go for a ride on Ben‘s…er…loveboat this week, which will hopefully help him decide who he wants to keep around for another week. Of course, everyone will be throwing around “I love you,” including Ben, which should make for lots of drama (and way too much crying).

Let’s get started!

Ben arrives in Jamaica sporting his bright pink button-down (a la the Juan Pablo Leisure Collection.) He’s ready to party– and put some notches on his island-ready woven leather belt. Ben is down to only Caila, JoJo and Lauren.

While Ben describes each woman as “perfect,” he has worries about all three of them. With Caila, he seems to be a little nervous about her constant ‘Stepford Wife’-esque cheesy grin. (Who can blame him? Nobody smiles that much…unless they are plotting something evil…)

Ben likes Lauren a lot, but he’s skeptical that a great girl like her would still be single…unless she’s bats*t crazy, of course.

Finally, there’s JoJo, whom Ben says “opens up a whole new side” of him. However, he’s nervous about having to deal with JoJo’s aggressive brothers and champagne-slugging mother if he proposes to JoJo.

Ben sits on a log bench to ponder his remaining women, all while Caila is standing at the dock with a goofy smile on her face. She’s clearly trying to act natural, but is just terrible at it. She looks like she’s posing for those weird photos that come inside a new wallet or something.

To help him decide, Ben legit starts scaling weird walls and stuff for no reason. He finally gets to a vantage point, where he sits and wonders how much his ‘Dancing with the Stars’ contract is going to be worth after all this crap ends.

Ben’s first date is with Caila, who he takes on a rafting trip down the river. While the scenery is beautiful, the conversation is awkward and stale. Even the old guy steering the raft looks bored. Caila, of course, has that beauty pageant contestant smile plastered on her face, even after Ben keeps telling her how weird their date is.

Caila’s clearly stressing, knowing that within 48 hours Ben will have “rowed” down JoJo and Lauren’s, um, rivers. They stop at hut, where the eat some meat and talk about how weird things are…again…

As Caila gnaws on the meat (which may or may not be dinosaur, by the way. Seriously what the hell are they eating?) she talks about how stressed out she is.

Yes, a river rafting trip during a free trip to Jamaica can really be emotionally taxing, I’m sure.

Ben is worried that Caila may “be too much in her head” when it’s time to hit the Fantasy Suite. He’d much rather her be in his pants, obviously.

Caila arrives to dinner and immediately starts making out with Ben. She’s eager to tell Ben that she’s in love with him (of course), but she’s nervous. She blabbers on for a while before finally telling him.

“Ben doesn’t have to tell me anything,” she tells us. “I can see in his eyes, and feel in his breath that he feels the same.”

Don’t be so sure about that. It could be the dinosaur meat you guys ate a few hours ago. That stuff stays on your breath.

Ben decides that this is the perfect time to spring the Fantasy Suite card on Caila. She practically jumps on his junk right there, and is clearly eager to get Ben behind closed doors. They get in the ocean and watch a private fireworks show (as you do), before heading into the Suite.

He’s already got Caila down to her bikini, and Ben looks pleasantly surprised to see that there is a smoking body that’s been hiding under all of Caila’s stuffy Banana Republic vests and Gap sweaters.

The next morning, Ben and Caila are basking in their after-bone glow, and Caila tells us that they had an “amazing” night. Caila’s all smiles (ol’ Ben must be at least halfway decent in the sack!) and can’t stop telling Ben how much she loves him. That is, of course, until he leaves her after an hour or so TO GO OUT WITH HIS NEXT GALPAL. Caila hadn’t even finished her post-sex coffee and Ben was already peacing out of their hotel room.

Lauren’s all ready for her date with Ben. She, too, is “completely in love with Ben,” so she’s thrilled at the thought of getting to spend all day (and night) with “her man.”

Let’s hope a production assistant at least brought some Handi-Wipes or something so Ben could clean off his junk before bedding Lauren. Safety first!

Ben and Lauren learn that they will be helping to release some baby sea turtles on the beach. Lauren is thrilled to hold a small, squirming thing in her hand.

That will bode well for Ben tonight in the Fantasy Suite, surely.

All of the baby turtles crawl into the water, and somehow Lauren turns the turtles’ journey into an analogy for her relationship with Ben.

For the record, I want to have all the baby turtles crawl all over me. Can’t…handle…the…cuteness…

Afterward, Ben makes sure to tell Lauren that he started crying during his visit with her family, and she starts swooning. Both tell the other that they’re aren’t good enough for the other, and Lauren is pussy-footing around telling Ben how in love with him she is.

Before she can do that, however, she and Ben have to go out into the ocean and do the required “makeout-in-the-water” scene we’ve come to expect from any ‘Bachelor’ date that’s held in a tropical location.

After taking care of that, Ben and Lauren get dressed and head to an authentic Jamaican hangout. As to be expected, they blend right in with the Jamaican locals.

Next, Lauren starts talking about how nervous she is that Ben’s going to pick one of the other girls, even after she bones him in the Fantasy Suite. Lauren wants to know how Ben feels about the other girls.

“This is very real for me,” Lauren exclaims. “It’s terrifying not to know where Ben lies with the other girls.”

Well, geez, LoLo, I can tell you that: He lies next to Caila…and JoJo.

Ben busts out the Fantasy Suite card, and Lauren eagerly accepts the offer of sharing a room with Ben. Once they get to the Fantasy Suite, Lauren finally works up the courage to tell Ben that she loves him. Ben sits there speechless for a second, before saying that he knows Lauren wouldn’t “just jump into things.”

Except for the bed, of course.

Ben then delivers a shocking declaration. He tells Lauren that he is also in love with her.

Wait…what?!

They kiss for a while before making their way to the bed. Ben shuts the curtains and it’s time to get down to business. (We don’t get to see them do it, but we do get to hear some awkward kissing noises coming from their room, so there’s that…)

The next morning, all of their clothes are scattered about, and Ben has prepared breakfast (aka picked up the room service tray the producers have left for him). Ben actually stays to eat with Lauren, unlike with Caila, who only got two sips or so of her coffee before Ben split.

Finally, she must bid Ben farewell. He gives her a final kiss before scurrying off to get his junk pressure-washed clean in time to meet JoJo.

Poor JoJo. She’s drawn the short straw this week, so she’ll be getting two girls’ sloppy sex seconds. Ben isn’t sure how he feels about JoJo, so he is curious to see how this date will go.

A helicopter arrives to pick them up and take them across the island. They arrive at a waterfall, and JoJo looks eager to strip down and start their Fantasy Suite date right then and there. They dive into the waterfall and JoJo begins to declare her love for Ben.

Ben shocks JoJo (and everyone watching) when he declares that he loves her, too.

Wait…does he think he’s talking to Lauren or…?

JoJo declares this to be the “best day of her life.” (Gag.) They seal their love with some aggressive waterfall makeout.

Ben later realizes what he’s done: He’s told two girls that he loves them. Both girls feel like they are the only one that Ben would tell that too because…well, it’s kind of a dick move to tell that to two different girls. He knows that he’s going to break one of the girls’ hearts. Oh, and he still has to kick Caila to the curb before this episode is over. Life is hard, y’all!

That night at dinner, Ben and JoJo talk about how awkward Ben’s conversation with JoJo’s brothers was, and JoJo promises that her brothers won’t hunt him down…unless he breaks her heart like ol’ Chad did.

Ben then presents the Fantasy Suite card to JoJo, who jumps at the chance to bed Ben. They head into the Suite, where Ben and JoJo (and JoJo’s giant bazoombas) have their own hot tub. They can barely get the drapes closed before JoJo and Ben get down to business.

The next morning, JoJo and Ben wake up together feeling “amazing.” They are feeding each other fruit and cuddling.

“You gave me so much more than I expected yesterday,” JoJo tells Ben.

Ew.

Ben straps on his trusty backpack ‘o’ condoms and heads out. He’s surely exhausted from his exertions under the sheets, so he goes to his hotel room to rest. He declares that he is in love with two women, and he doesn’t know what he’s going to do…except dump Caila, of course.

Meanwhile, Caila is plotting. She’s put on her creepy child-sized sports bra and is heading to surprise Ben. She’s certain that Ben’s sitting in his hotel room, dreaming of her. In reality, he’s sitting in his hotel’s courtyard, being all awkward, as Caila arrives giggling.

“I want to be the women he wakes up to for the rest of his life,” she tells us.

Ben is shocked to see Caila, but he has to pretend that he’s thrilled that she’s there. Ben looks like he wants to kill the producers for allowing this crap, but he has to play it cool. She’s talking about how much she loves him and all that, but Ben looks unsure what to do.

Ben knows that he has to give Caila the boot, so he is going to put her down like a dying animal. He’s going to dump her right then and there out of pity.

Ben starts a speech, and Caila’s big fake smile starts to fade a little. It’s almost as if she knows that she’s going to be on a plane back to the United States in a few hours. Ben explains that, while Caila’s his “perfect wife,” he is in love with the two other broads.

She is still smiling even as she starts to say bitchy comments to Ben. She’s crying and smiling and proclaiming her love for Ben. It’s really weird. She’s the kind of gal who would smile while slashing your tires or something…

Ben shovels a crying and smiling Caila into the Pity Shuttle and she starts to drive off. All of a sudden, she bursts out of the Shuttle and decides to stop playing Beauty Queen and have some real talk with Ben. She asks Ben if he knew that he was going to dump her before he boned her in the Fantasy Suite. He swears that he needed to hump her before making his final choices.

Ben promises that he really did like her, and that seems to satisfy Caila. She gets into the Shuttle and drives away sobbing. She has finally wiped that big fake grin off her damn face, so there’s that.

“I wanted this to be a surprise!” Caila wails.

Well, SURPRISE! Your ass got dumped, Caila!

Hey, at least Ben had the courtesy to dump Caila there, rather than dump her in front of the other two girls. Ben is all torn up over dumping Caila, so he goes to cry in a corner.

The next day is the Rose Ceremony, so Ben and the final two girls arrive at a Mansion. Ben declares that he has “two true loves.” Ugh.

Chris Harrison actually graces us with his presence in this episode. He talks to each girl for about 30 seconds before escorting them to the Rose Ceremony. Chris seems to be getting a little bit of glee, knowing that both of these women think that they’re the only one who Ben declared his love for. Chris’ face is priceless.

JoJo tries to awkward-talk to Lauren while they wait for Caila to arrive, but Lauren isn’t interested in chatting it up with a girl who just slept with her boyfriend, go figure. Ben comes down instead, letting the girls know that he gave Caila the boot and they are the only two girls left. The girls are thrilled and, of course, accept the roses offered to them by Ben. He gives them a double hug and the whole scene is giving off a Sister Wives-esque vibe. They even toast (like seven times) to their love and it’s so weird.

Next week, Ben will meet up with all of his rejected women for the Women Tell All episode. They’ll bring back all of the annoying ones– Jubilee, Lace, etc– and the ones with broken hearts–Amanda and Caila– and, of course, Olivia. We will have to wait two weeks for the “live television event of the year,” where Ben will make his final choice.

To read The Ashley’s recap of the previous episode of ‘The Bachelor,’ click here.

(Photos: ABC)