Get out your hula skirts because it’s time for Sister Wives–Hawaiian Style! Yes, kids, our favorite polygamists are heading to the Aloha State for some fun in the sun…well, as much fun as anyone can have around Kody, that is…

The Brown Family has cashed a great big ol’ TLC check and has rented a huge house for all 25 members of the family. This includes Kody, his wife Robyn, their son and daughter King Solomon and “Baby Sister,” Robyn’s kids and…the others. A few random family members have also managed to score tickets to join the trip.

The Brown clan arrived in Hawaii last episode and the older kids who are in relationships (Maddie and Caleb, and Logan and Michelle) scurried away from the family as fast as possible to go on a double date (and do naughty things like drink Mai Tais and “exchange hormones” via their mouths!)

The episode kicks off with the entire crew packing into several vans and heading to a place called “The Coffee Shack.” Christine, ever the good Mormon, refuses to call it “The Coffee Shack” because she doesn’t drink coffee. (Anyone else picturing Meri sitting alone at her wetbar, gulping wine by the boxload and laughing at Christine for applauding herself for abstaining from caffeine? Just us? Ok.)

At the coffee shop, Kody gets mad because no one is listening to him, as per usual. To get the attention of his family, he goes off on a rant, as per usual. This Kody rant, however, really takes the cake.

“I’m the general,” Kody says. “And no matter how stupid I am, I‘m the president. No matter how stupid I am. You guys can gripe in private, but because you guys are all my little military, you have to gripe in private. You can’t gripe to me. Because I am the president and general of this family.”

No.He.Did.Not.

Everyone seems to be looking around, waiting for Ashton Kutcher to come popping out from behind a palm tree and yell, “You’ve been punked!” because they can’t believe that Kody is being this big of a douche-blanket. However, Vacation Kody is always a step higher on the Douche Ladder than regular Kody so, it’s plausible.

After a free TLC-sponsored breakfast, everyone goes to the beach. Of course this means Christine and Kody get into a fight over where to put the umbrellas on the beach. This is becoming reminiscent of—dare we say it?—that horrid boat-building episode. As Christine and Kody scream it out, Janelle and Meri are probably trying to bury themselves in the sand, hoping that the family will forget them there and they can meet hot Hawaiian hunks who will sweep them off their feet.

TLC surely did a solid and edited out the inevitable scene where Kody declared himself to be The Big Kahuna and forced the whole family to gather on the beach to watch him attempt to surf.

That night while everyone is making dinner, Kody decides to take Meri aside for a conversation. Kody thanks Meri for the canvas paintings she gave him for his birthday last episode. (You know that the producers told him to “March himself in there right now and thank her for the gift!”)

Kody and Meri talk about how they want to work through their issues.

“I would like to find in our relationship the same kind of optimism I have in the rest of my life. Sadly, right now we haven’t found that I don’t think,” Kody says. “So, it’s a process that to be fair to our history and each other we need to allow time to pass and let some of these antagonisms, pain we’ve had for each other sort of wash away.”

The next day, Janelle and Meri decide to pull a prank on Mariah because…well…it wouldn’t hurt to knock her down a few pegs now and then. Earlier this season, Mariah made a rude comment about how Meri’s eyebrows are too thin. So Janelle and Meri decide to draw really thick big eyebrows on themselves.

Of course, the prank flopped. Mariah walked by and completely ignored them.

Janelle then asks Kody if he would be embarrassed if they wore the eyebrows all day.

“I don’t really care what you do,” he says.

Ouch! Janelle really needs to throw this dude in a volcano and just tell the family that she’s the general now. Seriously.

Later that night, they grill a giant fish they bought at a local fish market and discuss Maddie’s wedding. Maddie and Caleb decide it’s a great time to ask Kody if he would perform their ceremony. Although he’s possibly the biggest ham on reality TV (which is really saying something), he surprisingly doesn’t jump at the chance to be front-and-center on the wedding day. He just says, “OK” when he’s asked to do the ceremony.

Maddie is understandably disappointed by her father’s reaction.

“He didn’t react the way I thought he was going to,” she says. “I expected him to be a little bit more emotional.”

Maybe she should have had Robyn ask him?!

We learn that Caleb’s dad was actually a pastor, but he is not performing the ceremony because he gave up his life as a pastor when Caleb’s mom got cancer. She passed away a month ago.

The next day the whole motley crew decides to learn how to surf.

Of course, Kody sucks at surfing, but Aspyn and Gabriel are doing really well. “General” Kody is not thrilled that his kids (and a daughter at that!) have showed him up on this surfing adventure and he’s kind of pouting.

Meanwhile, Meri mows down Mariah while surfing. That will teach Mariah not to notice her mother’s eyebrows!

That night, the family decides that they will have a big luau party for their last day in Hawaii and roast a big pig. Kody, however, makes a big point of telling us that he doesn’t eat pork. Janelle is elected to explain this to the cameras.

“Several years ago as our children started to get older and Kody thought about how he wanted to raise them, he felt like it was more important to observe a lot of the traditions that Jesus observed in the Bible,” Janelle said. “Jesus was Jewish, he was of Israel, and they observed a Kosher diet. So, he really felt like it was important to bring that part of our spirituality into our family line. It is not really part of our religious doctrine, but it is something Kody likes to follow. It makes him feel closer to Christ, because honestly, as Christ would have been a practicing Jew, he would not have eaten pork.”

Uhh…can someone explain to these people what Kosher is? It’s way more than just not eating pork. Kody can’t claim to keep kosher if all he does is refrain from eating pork. That’s not Kosher.

Of course, Kody is being a complete sad sack and is sulking about the family daring to eat pork at the party. He says he’s not even going to go to the party because there will be pork there. A whole dinner without having to listen to one of Kody’s blowhard speeches!? Now that’s a reason to party!

“Nobody asked my permission about this and I’m pretty pissed off,” he says.

Um, yeah…nobody cares.

The next day, the cooking of the pig goes on without Kody’s permission.

“He’s torn between trying to let his family have free will…but then on the other hand he wants his family to follow these ideals and practices that are considered kind of religious,” Robyn says.

So…Kody decides he wants to personally do something for his own religious reasons, so everyone in his “military” has to follow suit? Come on!

“Kody is our leader, but he’s not a dictator,” Robyn adds.

 Sure, he isn’t Robyn. We seem to recall him barking at you to have Baby Sister his way or else a few episodes ago!

Kody continues to throw a hissy-fit (maybe he’s confused and thinks he’s Baby Sister?) He’s super mad that his military has dared to eat the forbidden meat in his presence. Logan realizes that his father is, as usual, being a total turd and makes fun of him for it. Kody tells his son to “piss off” and Logan happily dashes off to go consume yet another pound of luau pig.

Later that night, Mykelti sits Christine down to talk to her about her boyfriend, Tony. This is really the first we’ve heard of this Tony character, and clearly he hasn’t been around long enough to earn a ticket to Kody’s Hawaiian Vacation From Hell.

Mykelti tells Christine that she and Tony have been talking about their future and that their relationship is very serious. It’s so serious, in fact, that Tony wants to talk to Kody about marrying Mykelti. Christine is shocked.

“This was supposed to be her play time. She’s a baby. She’s 19 years old!” Christine wails.

Mykelti is a little disappointed by Christine’s reaction.

“When Maddie told the family she was getting married, my mom literally leaped at Maddie full of excitement and joy and happiness,” Mykelti said. “And so for me, I was picturing my mom doing that exact same thing, just a little bit more though because I’m her biological daughter.”

Christine explains why she’s less-than-thrilled. Not only is Mykelti so young, but she’s only known this guy six months. It seems that Christine had bigger plans for her daughter than having her get married (and most likely pregnant) by the time she’s 21, while maintaining a job at a pawn shop. Sigh. (Spoiler Alert: Mykelti and Tony are now engaged!)

Christine says she will break the news to Kody once they get home from Hawaii. Surely, Kody will be upset that his daughter is marrying so young Mykelti told Christine first. Don’t they know he’s THE GENERAL!?

To read our recap of the previous episode of ‘Sister Wives,’ click here!

(Photos: TLC)