Well, kids, we made it! We wadded through hours of bad dates, countless segments featuring JoJo wailing that she just doesn’t “knooooow what to do!” and numerous clips of Chad eating processed meat snacks. It’s Bachelorette finale time, biotches!

Although The Ashley has taken a sabbatical from recapping ‘The Bachelorette’ this season, she decided to come out of hibernation to break down the finale. The Ashley will, of course, be recapping Bachelor in Paradise because it is basically the best television offering EVER!

The three-hour finale (and, unfortunately no, that’s not a typo…they really did stretch this crap out that long) begins in Thailand, where JoJo is trying to figure out which of her final suitors she wants to bone for the rest of her life (and/or until Thanksgiving or so).

After giving Chase major blue balls after she broke up with him in the Fantasy Suite last week, JoJo has her choices narrowed down to two men– former pro NFL player Jordan and former competitive swimmer Robby. We still, however, haven’t figured out what it is that these knuckleheads actually do for a living. Why is no one asking how the hell these guys support themselves?! Last time The Ashley checked, being a “former” athlete doesn’t pay much…

The best part of this episode is that we once again get to see JoJo’s mom. As you may remember, when we last saw her, she was chugging champagne straight from the bottle (as you do) during her meeting with Ben Higgins during his season of The Bachelor. ABC has flown out JoJo’s mom, dad and three siblings to help choose her future husband.

Jordan is the first to meet JoJo’s parents and siblings, and he hits the ground running. He’s talking about his favorite subject—himself—and that makes JoJo’s mother skeptical. She makes Jordan promise that he’ll never break JoJo’s heart, which he does. No pressure, dude!

Later, JoJo’s mom takes her daughter aside and tells her that she worries that Jordan may steal the spotlight from JoJo.

“Who doesn’t like Jordan?” Jordan’s mom asks.

Well…for starters, his brother, Green Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers…

Jordan fails to ask JoJo’s father for her hand in marriage, even though his (possible) future fiancé has stressed how important it is to her and her family that the man she marries does that.

Pay attention: this is major foreshadowing…

JoJo doesn’t have much time to collect her thoughts after Jordan’s visit because her other beau, Robby, arrives the next day to meet her family. Robby’s worn his best khaki shorts and flipflops for the occasion, and he’s ready to answer the tough questions from JoJo’s mom. He piles on the compliments for JoJo, which scores big points with the family. This guy sounds like he’s memorized every Hallmark card that’s ever been written.

JoJo is feeling “cherished” by Robby, but her older brothers are ready to bringing her back to reality.

“You’re not looking for somebody to be your New Year’s Eve date,” one tells her.

This is a search for love! This is SERIOUS, guys!

Meanwhile, JoJo’s mom has cornered Robby to get him to promise to propose and commit his life to her. Robby agrees, and then sits down with JoJo’s dad. He knows this conversation is serious (he does call JoJo by her full name, Joelle, after all). He asks JoJo’s dad for her hand (and every other part of her), and JoJo’s parents wholeheartedly agree. Robby’s speech even results in a few tears for her dad.

“He makes me feel so treasured and my family is in love with him,” JoJo tells us after Robby is carted off. “This should be it…”

But we know it isn’t because…well, there’s still hours to go before the finale ends.

Once Robby leaves, JoJo’s family sits down with her to gossip about her two beaus. JoJo is shocked when she finds out that Jordan didn’t ask her father for his blessing for them to get married.

“I feel like I’d have ‘what-ifs’ with both of them,” JoJo says.

Um…then probably don’t marry either of them after a month of knowing them…just sayin’!

Next, she basically spend five minutes crying and wailing, “I don’t know!”

“I love both Jordan and Robby, but in very different ways,” she tells us the next day as she is carted over to see Robby for their final date. They make out on their way to a private beach. They strip down and head into the water to create the ocean kissing scene that is basically required in all ‘Bachelor’ franchise seasons.

Robby and JoJo discuss what their lives will be like if she were to choose him. He tells her that he’s ready to get married and have Bachelor babies as soon as possible, which makes JoJo happy, since she’s worried that ol’ Jordan may split after all the hubbub from the show dies down.

Robby’s laying it on thick on the beach, something that he continues to do once he and JoJo retreat to his hotel room for their final night together. He’s still wearing his mother’s slippers as he professes his undying love for JoJo. Robby promises that he won’t cheat on her or do any of the things her old boyfriends have done (like give his final rose to the blond chick instead of her).

Next, Robby presents JoJo will some “candid” photos of their time together. Wow, bro…that’s a lame gift. Couldn’t he have at least had some native guy weave her a basket or something? Geez, step it up, Rob!

JoJo keeps telling us that she knows Robby’s love is the kind of love she’s been waiting for. He sends her off with a final kiss, hoping that the “blinding” love he has for JoJo is mutual, because JoJo leaves without telling him that she loves him.

The next day is JoJo’s final date with Jordan. They arrive at a boat dock, both wearing shorts of about equal length. They sail around, alternating between taking in the scenery and making out. Next, they kayak into a cave, where they have an important conversation about their future.

JoJo is still miffed that Jordan failed to ask her parents’ permission to marry her, and Jordan explains that he didn’t ask because he doesn’t know if JoJo is sure if she wants to marry him or Robby.

Yeah…that’s it…

“I was really disappointed and bummed out and upset,” JoJo tells Jordan. “It makes me doubt if you’re really ready.”

Jordan swears on his best leather loafers that he is, indeed, ready to marry JoJo, but she’s still skeptical. He promises that he’ll ask JoJo’s parents if he knows that she’s given Robbie the boot. This makes JoJo realize that she may not be getting a proposal from Jordan if she chooses him in two days.

It’s all very confusing, and everyone seems to be speaking in riddles. Luckily, The Ashley speaks “Bachelor” and was able to figure out what the hell they’re talking about. Basically… Jordan is trying to cover his butt after realizing he made a big mistake when he failed to ask for JoJo’s hand.

That night, JoJo arrives to Jordan’s hotel room, feeling confused and unsure about their relationship. Realizing that she only has a few hours left with Jordan before having to decide who she wants to marry, JoJo starts getting down to business, asking Jordan why the hell he didn’t man up and ask her dad for his blessing.

“That moment’s gone now, and we can never get that back,” JoJo says.

JoJo is not amused with Jordan’s explanation.

Jordan promises JoJo that he’ll do it all—give her the free Neil Lane ring, come up with a great proposal speech and create a great proposal scene for the cameras. He makes sure to tell her over and over that he loves her.

Now that the dates are done, it’s time for someone to go home brokenhearted!

Both men wake up, gaze out the window shirtless and tell us how much they love JoJo. They both get their coifs perfectly gelled into place and think about the day ahead of them.

Robby is the first to head off to meet ring master Neil Lane. He chooses a ring big enough that he could pawn it and feed a small country for a year.

Jordan, however, can’t go pick out a ring until he takes care of getting that pesky “blessing” from JoJo’s parents. He calls them on a cell phone and asks if it’s OK with them if he proposes. They agree, and then Jordan goes to meet with Neil. He chooses an equally enormous ring to the one Robby chose.

Meanwhile, JoJo is lazing around her hotel room, dressed in her proposal dress. She tells us that last night she had a moment of clarity and realized who she should choose. She says that she “probably” won’t change her mind. Oh…good…

Just then, JoJo gets a note from Jordan, letting her know that he has obtained the blessing of her parents to propose. She also gets a note from Robby, who tells her how much he loves her. (As she reads the note, Robbie is suiting up in a navy blue suit and pink tie and sockless loafers…as you do…)

JoJo tells us that she’s having a panic attack because she keeps going back and forth between Jordan and Robby. She’s still blubbering as she arrives at the proposal site by the ocean. She nervously twirling her final rose, waiting for her future husband and the soon-to-be-brokenhearted runner-up to arrive.

“I don’t know if, when I’m hugging him for the final time, I’ll be able to let go,” she tells us of the man she’s not choosing.

That unlucky man arrives first and we see that it’s…Robby! He’s very confident that he’s the one that JoJo has chosen , and is even feeling sad that JoJo will have to go through the dumping of Jordan.

“This will be a moment I’ll never forget,” he tells us.

You can say that again, buddy!

Robby launches into his speech, telling her how much he loves her and wants to marry her, etc. JoJo looks like she wants to jump off the cliff.  She finally tells him that she loves him, but then stops Robby before he can get down on one knee to propose.

“I woke up this morning, wanting it to be you,” she tells him. “I fell in love with you but for some reason my heart is somewhere else.”

Robby looks like he just got hit by a truck. JoJo is blubbering all over him as she walks him to the car. He breaks down in tears, and is clearly over hearing JoJo apologize. That’s OK with her, though because, well, she needs to get engaged in about 10 minutes, so she needs him gone.

JoJo cries as Robby is driven off to BrokenheartedVille.

“My heart is physically hurting right now,” JoJo tells the cameras. “My heart is broken…The only thing that’s getting me through this moment is getting to see Jordan. I am so crazy in love with him.”

JoJo manages to patch up her heart relatively fast, because she’s totally composed by the time Jordan (and his jumbo Neil Lane sparkler) arrives at the proposal site. (They’ve managed to mop up Robby’s tears in time for Jordan’s arrival.)

Jordan launches into his proposal speech, telling JoJo how in love with her she is. JoJo tells him that she’s been waiting to tell him how much she loves him.

With that, Jordan drops to his knee and opens the Neil Lane ring box and proposes. JoJo accepts the proposal (and the giant ring) before throwing her arms around Jordan’s neck. They embrace as the sun sets, and she presents Jordan with her final rose.

In true ‘Bachelor’ form, Jordan carries her off into the sunset.

Ho-hum…

Now that the dumping and proposal are out of the way, it’s time to head to the live studio audience for the “After the Final Rose” special with host Chris Harrison. First out onto the stage is Robby. He and his broken heart sit down with Chris to talk about how things have been for him since he got dumped. He tells us that he’s confused and disappointed that JoJo didn’t pick him.

Soon, it’s time for JoJo to face Robby. She comes out wearing a skintight dress that accentuates her bountiful bust, and Robby can’t help but check out “the goods.” After he moves his eyes upward, he asks her why the hell she told him she loved him and then dumped him.

JoJo explains that she really did feel love for Robby, and that she wanted to give Robby closure. Robby obviously doesn’t feel closure, because he asks JoJo again why she dumped him for Jordan. She tells him that she never wanted to see Jordan sitting in the back of that Pity Limo.

That should make ya feel much better, right, Rob?

He asks her if she ever wishes she had picked him (come on, bro, try to keep some dignity!) She tells him that she’s “so happy” and basically…no.

Get the hook! This guy’s pathetic!

After they shovel Robby off the stage, they bring out JoJo’s fiancé, Jordan. JoJo can’t stop professing her love for her engagement ring…er, I mean Jordan.

The couple is still very much together, but admit that they’ve had some rocky times while the show was airing.

“We expected there would be bumps, but she’s the person I want to do life with,” Jordan says.

#DoLife

Next, Chris reminds the happy couple of all the tabloid stories that have been circulating about them over the course of the season.

“It was hard and we didn’t know why it was happening,” JoJo says.

Um…because you guys went on a reality TV show and aired all your personal stuff out on national TV?

Chris shows the couple the new cover of People magazine, which shows a smiling JoJo and Jordan. (Meanwhile, somewhere backstage, Robby is cutting and pasting his face over Jordan’s face.)

Jordan tells us that he and JoJo already have a house in Dallas that they will soon be moving into. JoJo and Jordan say they’re already looking at wedding dates, and hope to tie the knot next year.

Chris quickly brings the conversation back to Jordan’s rift with his brother Aaron. Jordan totally shuts down the question, telling Chris that he’s focusing on him and JoJo. That doesn’t deter Chris, however. He basically asks JoJo the exact question that Jordan shot down, but she, too, shoots him down.  Neither want to talk about Jordan’s stupid brother but Chris doesn’t really care.

“Maybe Aaron can make it to the wedding?” Chris suggests.

Crickets………

Somewhere in Green Bay, Aaron Rodgers is rolling his eyes and throwing darts at that People magazine cover.

That’s all for this season of ‘The Bachelorette!’ Be sure to check back for The Ashley’s ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ recaps, coming soon!

(Photos: ABC)