Note: The Ashley is doing her best to stay up-to-date on ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ recaps; however, she realizes she is behind an episode. ABC is trying to kill The Ashley by putting this show on twice a week. Please bear with The Ashley and enjoy the recaps as they come! 

It’s time to get out your wine and settle yourself into two hours of despicable (and by ‘despicable’ The Ashley of course means fantastic) reality television. We’ve only seen one episode of Bachelor in Paradise so far this season, but already we’ve watched people get completely hammered and seen a dude crap his pants in a drunken stupor. How can Chris Harrison & Co. possibly top that?!

The episode starts out where we left off last week– with Chad gone, and the Paradisers cheering (and most likely cleaning up the poopy residue left on the couches by Chad.) Everyone is talking about how great it is to be rid of Chad, which means that we most likely haven’t seen the last of Chad or his loose stools. Also…ew.

The Paradisers have started drinking (it is 10 a.m., after all), and a few are talking about how “un-Paradise” things have been so far for everyone. It’s also time for another trashbag to enter this dump. Here comes Leah from Ben’s season.  (She is best remembered for lying to Ben, and throwing Lauren Bushnell under the bus.) The twins are very unhappy to see Leah because she’s “just so dramatic” and they “don’t like drama.”

Um….? Now that’s rich!

Leah gets a date card and tells the gang that she would most like to date Chad. She’s really disappointed to learn that he’s gone and that her dreams of sharing protein powder with him may never happen. She still has to take someone on a date, so she takes a few guys aside to chat and see which one she wants to swap body fluids with first.

This, of course, makes all the “non-drama-liking” girls very dramatic and angry because they’re worried that Leah (and her lip injections) will swoop in and steal their men (who, mind you, they’ve only known for about 24 hours at this point).

Meanwhile, the twins are busting out their terrible Spanish (grass-y-ass, anyone?) and forcing the guys to watch them eat bananas. Lace is downing shots and figuring out who to throw herself on so that she can get a rose this week. No one really wants to go near Lace now that she’s touched Chad’s, um, meat platter, but she has her eye on Grant.

Grant goes over to talk to Lace and tells her that he doesn’t judge her for fooling around with Chad because, well, this is ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ and everyone on this show is basically a drunken trashbag, so who cares?

Leah asks Nick on a date, much to Amanda‘s dismay. (She had probably already purchased a “#1 Stepdad” shirt for Nick to wear when he comes home from Paradise with her.)

Over on their date, Lace and Nick go to the “Festival de Margaritas” which is basically just a dude making drinks on top of a street cart and a bunch of locals gawking at the drunken Americans stumble around and kiss awkwardly for the camera crew.

Back at the house, Amanda is calling her kids, who keep asking her where the hell she is. Amanda does her best to explain that, while Mommy loves them, she needs to be on the beach with a bunch of lunatics, drinking tequila and fighting with a bunch of skanky girls over a couple of drunk douchebags.

Another date card arrives, and this time it’s for Nick. This is, of course, going to cause trouble for Nick because both Amanda and Leah have their claws in him. Leah is positive that she’ll get another date with Nick because she literally just returned from a date with him. Nick shocks Leah when he instead chooses Amanda for the date.

Amanda is thrilled, and while she’s getting ready for the date, Leah comes in and starts creeping everyone out by telling Amanda how similar they looks. (Um, girl, no.Yes, you have the same bad blonde extensions as Amanda but that’s where the similarities end.)

She’s also smashed, so she keeps slurring her words, which just adds to the fun.

Leah is literally mocking Amanda as Nick arrives to pick Amanda up for their date. Nick tells Amanda that he’s likes “strong personalities” like hers and that he doesn’t mind that she has kids. (Basically, he’s saying he could be cool with the kids menu if it means he could boink Amanda a few times.)

Nick and Amanda are sitting by a romantic campfire. Nick wipes the Leah spit out of his mouth and starts making out with Amanda. (Maybe her kids can show this footage for their next Show ‘n’ Tell?!)

Meanwhile, Leah is totally freaking out that the Love of Her Life (Nick) has ditched her to go on a date with Amanda. She’s literally crying about this. CRYING!

Sarah is feeling very lonesome, so she does what any good ‘Paradiser’ does– she swipes a random guy (Vinny) and tries to throw herself at him so that he’ll give her his rose this week. This makes Izzy sad because she really “connected” with Vinny the night before.

No one is interested in Evan, but Carly is bored, and starts to wonder it would be like to kiss him. She seems to be interested in him, despite his terrible personality and obsession with Chad. She finally kisses him, and Evan is stoked because, well, that probably doesn’t happen to him very often. He retreats to his bedroom to literally stroke his own nipple (this happened) and dream of Carly.

Unfortunately for Evan, Carly didn’t feel excited about their kiss. She says that the kiss with Evan was as crappy as Chad’s pants.

“I literally don’t know how this guy has children,” she tells us. (That’s what The Ashley has been saying for months!)

Over on the beach, Lace is throwing herself at Grant. They retreat into a bedroom, and Lace tells us that she’s determined to get Grant’s rose (no matter what body part she has to sacrifice to do so.) She puts a blanket over the camera, but luckily we are treated to the sounds of passion coming from their room. Somehow, the blanket is uncovered and we get to see Grant and Lace, humping via night vision.

Also…ew.

All of the girls are sweating like Chad in a vegan restaurant. They’re scared that they will be one of the two girls who will be left rose-less and sent home. It’s time for the girls to start begging the guys to give them a flower (and offering them their flower in return).

The only person who deserves a rose is Carly. She kissed Evan in order to stay in Paradise. That’s rough.

Sarah and Izzy are battling over Vinny, while Emily and Jubilee both have their eye on Jared. Amanda and Leah are both counting on Nick’s rose, and Leah will stop at nothing to get it. She starts telling Nick how great she is, and it honestly feels like she’s campaigning to be hall monitor of the third grade or something.

Nick isn’t buying it, though. He flat-out tells Leah that he’s picking Amanda which is somewhat commendable. (Someone being honest on this show is really confusing to The Ashley…)

Leah instantly moves on to the next knucklehead, who happens to be Daniel. Their conversation is really awkward. Daniel admits that he’d bang Leah, but doesn’t seem to be interested in dating her. The egos on these two are just insane. Honestly, I don’t know how either of them fit their heads through the door frame of their huts.

Soon, Daniel is referring to himself as “The Big Dog” (as you do), and he’s talking to all of the girls to see which one he likes best. He talks to Sarah and says that he’d like to get to know her better.

Um…didn’t this dude call her a “street dog” last episode? Just sayin’…

Mercifully, it’s time for the men to give out the damn roses. All of the ladies are sweatin’ through their Spanx because they are not sure if they will be picked.

Grant is first, and Lace is pretty sure she’ll get his rose, being that they basically used up a whole bottle of Astroglide in their endeavors the previous night. He does give it to her, and Nick gives his rose to Amanda. Evan gives Carly his rose, and Jared goes next. He offers his rose to Emily, which means both she and Hailey will stay. Jubilee is “crushed.”

Vinny goes next. Both Izzy and Sarah are sure that they will get his rose. I’m sure Chris Harrison will make the girls wrestle in a vat of tequila for it.

Vinny picks Izzy, which shocks Sarah.

The final person to give out his rose is Daniel. Leah, Jubilee and Sarah are on the chopping block, but Leah is sure that Daniel will give her his rose. He picks Sarah, though, which devastates the losers, Jubilee and Leah.

They’re loaded into the Loser Limos and are crying that their free vacation is over.

Leah is blubbering in the limo, saying she’s so embarrassed. Hey–look on the bright side, girl– at least you’re (probably) not leaving with any STDs because no one really went near you. #SilverLining

Jubilee, meanwhile, seems to be alternating between crying and plotting her revenge.

The next morning, the men realize that the girls are now in charge. The couples from last night are all hanging out, “exploring” their connections when the next person arrives in Paradise.

It’s Josh Murray, the guy who “won” Andie’s season of The Bachelorette. They were engaged but, of course, things didn’t work out so Josh has found himself in Paradise. He is given a date card and sent into the vat of sleaze.

The girls are excited to see Josh because they all think he’s hot. Nick, on the other hand, is pouting when he sees Josh. Obviously, they aren’t friends, being that Andi chose Josh over Nick, and Nick’s all bitter about that.

Let’s cross our fingers that they also bring Andi into this disaster! How great would that be?!

Josh immediately goes for Amanda, who is Nick’s “Girl” of the moment. He asks her on a date and she accepts, which makes Nick’s sweaty head basically explode.

I feel bad for all the other girls. Amanda gets all the dates while they just get to sit there and gossip and stuff tacos into their gullets. On second thought, that actually sounds better than dating these losers.

Josh and Amanda go sailing and snorkeling, while Nick stares longingly at the sea, wondering what his “Girl” is doing. Meanwhile, Josh and Amanda are sucking face on the deck of the sailboat.

Amanda asks Josh about Andi, and he launches into a speech he’s obviously rehearsed. It’s bad. I mean, it ends in “God knows what the truth is…” so…

Back on the beach, Carly is hiding from Evan and his creepy lips. Naturally, the producers realize this and decide to add to the drama by giving Evan a date card.  Carly reluctantly agrees to go out with Evan but looks like she’d rather make out with Jorge the Bartender than liplock with Evan again.

Of course, their date involves kissing. They will have to kiss for 90 seconds after eating a habanero pepper, in an attempt to set what may be the lamest world record ever. Carly is not thrilled but she goes through with it because, well, a crowd of Mexican citizens have all gathered to watch this nonsense and she doesn’t want to let them down.

They lock lips in one of the least romantic kisses ever. It’s awkwardly long and it ends in a long spit string between them.

They do, however, set the record. Carly immediately heads to the bathroom to go make herself vomit up all of the pepper and Evan spit. Who could really blame her?

Josh and Amanda arrive back to the beach, but not before making out again. When Amanda leaves, Nick comes after Josh, trying to make him feel bad for taking out “his girl.” Josh tells Nick to stop being a drama queen, and that God will handle his love life…or something. Everything this dude says sounds like it’s right out of a lame Hallmark movie.

Josh purposely starts making out with Amanda, right in front of Nick. He is literally mauling her with his disgusting tongue and grunting. It’s more vomit-inducing than the Carly/Evan spit string incident.

Let’s end things there– The Ashley can’t take any more of this nonsense!

To read The Ashley’s recap of the previous episode of ‘Bachelor in Paradise,’ click here!

(Photos: ABC)