Ahoy, friends! Welcome back to Bachelor in Paradise, where emotions (and hormones) run high and the supply of penicillin runs dangerously low.

The crapisode starts off right where we left off last week- with Ashley sobbing like a preteen at a Justin Bieber concert, and Jared looking for a noose to hang himself (or Ashley) with. She’s bawling because Jared basally told her that he can’t stand her anymore than any of us can.

Jared is vowing to go home, because he’s tired of having this batsh*t crazy chick chasing him around and c*ck-blocking him with Caila. Jared again tells Ashley that he doesn’t like her, at all, not ever, but she still doesn’t get it.

Jared manages to escape Ashley to go talk to Caila, all while Ashley wails like a dying hyena in the background. Jared reassures Caila that he still likes her, but Caila looks nervous. (She should be nervous– Ashley’s likely to scalp her in her sleep. I mean…have you seen Caila’s hair?!)

Over on the beach, things are relatively normal: Evan is grossing us all out with his creepy kissing, the twins are clog-dancing and Josh is stuffing disgustingly greasy pizza into his disgustingly greasy mouth. So, basically, business as usual…

Meanwhile, Daniel is the only man who isn’t paired up, meaning that his rose is up for grabs. The women desperate enough to beg him for his flower are the twins, Sarah and Ashley.

“I’m like King of the Jungle,” he tells us. “I’m Gandhi. If you want this rose tonight, come to papa.”

Ew. Seriously, I’d rather drink two bottles of tequila and pass out on the beach and let the crabs eat me than throw myself at this loser.

Sarah has fallen out of the Tree of Desperation and hit every limb on the way down. She’s actually baked Daniel a birthday cake (for his half-birthday) and is calling him Daddy. She’s all stuffed into a super-tight dress and basically throwing herself at Daniel in order to get his stupid rose.

The twins are all bummed out because none of these loser guys like them. Haley tells Emily that she has to kiss Daniel in order to save their lives in Paradise. She’s basically pimping out her poor sister, and Emily agrees to sacrifice her tongue to stay.

Daniel is spewing his feelings to Emily.

“When I see your butt, it’s like, whoa….uhhh amazing,” he tells her.

He’s so deep, y’all.

It’s time for the guys to hand out their flowers. Ashley is in tears because she knows Jared will pick Caila over her.

The first guy up is Grant who predictably gives his rose to Lace (and her horrific ombre extensions). Josh gives his rose (and nasty tongue) to Amanda, and Nick chooses Jenn. Vinny picks Izzy, and Evan chooses Carly.

Jared picks Caila, much to Ashley’s dismay. Finally, it’s down to Daniel. He announces that he’s giving his rose to Haley, which devastates Sarah and Ashley.

Sarah is sad that she has, one again, been kicked to the curb of Scuzz Town without a beau.

“I put my heart and soul into it, to get sent home again!” she wails in the Pity Van.

Um…stop going on these horrific shows? Problem solved.

Ashley is sent away too but…she won’t stay away. Jared is celebrating with Caila that he has finally rid himself of the leech that is Ashley when…she appears from the bushes.

She’s baaaaack!

Did you hear that? That’s the sound of Jared crapping his pants, Chad-style!

Nick is embarrassed for Ashley for being so pathetic. (And that says a lot, considering we’re talking about Nick here.)

Ashley makes a big speech, begging the group to give her a second chance. She wants to stay and Jared looks like he wants to throw up. The gang all agrees to let her stay and she says she is no longer in love with Jared and wants to meet someone new.

Jared should take Caila and march off the beach in protest of them letting a crazy person wander around, following him.

The next meathead to arrive is…some dude that no one recognizes. His name is Carl…apparently.

Is anyone named Carl anymore? I think they’re making this stuff up. They probably found this dude down the road at Senor Frog’s and asked him if he wants to bone a few broads on TV.

Emily is getting tingly in her no-nos just looking at “Carl.” She really likes him because no one else has even looked her way. Carl asks her out and she’s thrilled to get away from this beach full of nutcases for a few hours.

Another guy arrives and it’s Brett, the dude who brought a lamp on the first night of Andi’s season. (When your claim to fame is stealing hotel furniture, you know you’re a snooze.)

The girls all think Brett is hot for some reason, but Izzy is particularity feeling loin sparks for him. She seems to instantly forget that she’s been connected at the crotch to Vinny for the better part of a week.

Brett has a date card and doesn’t care that Caila is already hooked up with Jared. He asks her out and Caila accepts, much to Jared’s dismay. (Ashley, meanwhile, is stoked because, with Caila out of the picture, her dreams of foisting herself on Jared could once again come true.)

Jared and Caila talk and Caila seems very indecisive, going back and forth between staying with Jared and going with Brett. She keeps changing her mind, but eventually agrees to go out with Brett.

Emily and “Carl” somehow end up on a booze cruise date with Brett and Caila. Brett and Caila are dancing, while Emily is making out with “Carl” even though she doesn’t have a clue what the hell is name is.

There’s plenty of drinking, body grinding and bad decisions happening.

“Emily is riding Carl like Seabiscuit,” Brett says.

As you do.

Caila is more of a classy gal, so she’s not as comfortable with all the crotch-grinding and whatnot. She’s talking about Jared and Brett looks he wishes he had asked the other twin on the booze cruise. At least then he would have gotten some.

While Caila’s out on a boat, Ashley is moving in quickly on Jared. He seems to have accepted the fact that the producers are never going to keep this crazy woman away from him so he talks to her.

She’s got him cornered on a couch, and is telling Jared how whorish and back-stabbing Caila is. Jared looks like he wishes someone would stab him in the back. Death would be better than being subjected to a life being hounded by Ashley.

As soon as she arrives back on the beach, Caila runs to Jared and tells him how she’s feeling. (Ashley, of course, is creeping in the bushes to listen to their conversation.) Caila tells Jared that she wants him and that she made a bad mistake going on the S.S. STD.

Ashley sees this and it seems to finally hit her that Jared doesn’t like her. Um…ya think?!

That night, Brett realizes that he picked the wrong girl for a date, so he’s hitting on Haley.

Another man arrives at the beach. He’s Ryan, a non-memorable guy from Kaitlyn’s season. No one has any clue who the hell he is, but the girls seem interested in him. Jared takes Ryan aside and basically begs him to take Ashley on a date.

Ryan pulls Ashley aside and all she does is talk about how fantastic and hot and perfect Jared is. Ryan realizes what’s going on so he backs away from Ashley slowly. He asks Haley to go on his date, and she accepts, mostly so she can get away from creepy Daniel.

Meanwhile, Grant is planning a surprise for Lace. He takes her to a hut where he’s prepared to have a couple’s massage for them. She’s thrilled to have a date with Grant that doesn’t involve her lying down on a beer-soaked bar floor.

After the massage, Grant takes the opportunity to tell Lace that he loves her. He keeps telling her that he loves her but Lace doesn’t say anything back. She doesn’t say “I love you” back but she is happy to show her feelings via a hot tub humping sesh.

Later, Izzy tells Lace that her relationship with Vinny is moving too fast for her. She thinks Vinny is in love with her but she has the hots for Brett. She decides to take action, and pulls Brett aside to talk. She tells him that she likes Vinny and all but… she’d be open swap body fluids with Brett should the opportunity arise.

“I’m not gonna settle,” Izzy tells us.

She then has to tell Vinny, the man she’s been with the whole time she’s been on this show, that she wants to bang other dudes…specifically Brett. Vinny is shocked that Izzy is flinging her privates at a guy who she talked to for literally 10 minutes.

Vinny is devastated that he could be tossed aside by Izzy, and all the other guys are shocked that Izzy could be so crappy. The girls, too, are all gossiping about how immoral Izzy is. (It’s rather rich that these girls are discussing immorality.)

Vinny goes to Izzy’s hut, where she’s hiding from him. She agrees to talk to him but then…we get slapped with a “To be continued…”

DunDunDUN!

To read The Ashley’s previous ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ recaps, click here!

(Photos: ABC)