Welcome to The Twilight Zone, trash TV lovers! (Do you hear the creepy music!?) We must be in The Twilight Zone because The Ashley has actually managed to deliver a Teen Mom OG recap almost on time for once! What’s next?! Will Taylor put down his beers and declare he’s going sober (a la Amber?) Or will Farrah decide to remove the Porta-Pissers from her driveway so that crew members can take a dump inside her house, rather than sit out in the driveway like weird pooping lawn gnomes? Hey– anything can happen!
This episode of ‘Teen Mom OG’ kicks off in Los Angeles, where Farrah is really searching for story lines. On a “whim” (and by “whim” I mean totally plotted out and arranged via the Higher-Ups at MTV sister network VH1) she decides to drag Simon over to see her old therapist Dr. Jenn from Couples Therapy. (Won’t Dr. Jenn be proud of Farrah! This time her fake boyfriend actually stuck around long enough to go on camera! She’s making progress!)
Before Farrah can get her “Farrahpy” (yes…that’s unfortunately a thing), she turns to her dad, Michael for some advice. Michael admits that he hasn’t given Farrah a stellar example of a healthy relationship to follow.
Wait…this really must be the Twilight Zone: Someone in the Abraham family is actually admitting they did something wrong! Here comes that creepy music again…
Farrah has chosen to wear a glitter bodysuit for her therapy session, as you do. (Why is she wearing this absurd outfit? Who cares! What The Ashley really wants to know is when she’s going to break into “Bidi Bidi Bom Bom” and start “washing machining” around her hotel room, stomping a picture of Simon to the beat?!)
Viva Monterrey! (By the way, The Ashley loves Selena and is in no way comparing the greatness that is Selena to the armpit that is Farrah Abraham. Let’s make that clear. They just have similar tastes in body suits.)
While we are discussing Farrah’s, um, “look,” we can’t ignore those lips any longer. She legit looks like something found in one of those traveling exotic animal shows or something. What the hell does she have in there anyway? It’s possible that the contents of Farrah’s lips may include (but are not limited to): Simon’s suitcase from last episode, the long lost hairbrush of Producer Heather and possibly two or three of Amber‘s dogs.)
Anyway, Farrah snaps viciously at her father when he tries to talk (except for when he tells her that she looks beautiful. She perks right up at the compliment, of course).
Farrah tells Producer Heather that she is hoping the fake therapy session will tell her if her fake relationship is worth pretending to save. Farrah isn’t looking for some guy to just date. She is determined to put that fake engagement ring she bought to good use, and wants to know if Simon will be the sucker that she can strong-arm into marrying her. (Can you imagine being married to Farrah?! Not even the world’s biggest masochist would take on that task!)
Meanwhile in Indiana, Amber and Matt are visiting with some random neighbors we’ve never seen before. The man and woman (who is wearing some sort of doo-rag-like-thing on her head while on camera, which I appreciate), are listening to Amber and Matt talk about how they are ready to blow this dump-of-a-neighborhood and move up to where the classy folk live. (You know– the people who don’t have to frequently check the Indiana State Police website on the regular to make sure there aren’t any warrants out for their arrest!)
Matt says that they’ve found a house that they Amber is going to buy, and Amber is thrilled because Leah will be able to ride her bike without the fear of being initiated into any sort of child street thug gang. Matt, of course, is overjoyed to “move on up.”
“My suitcase is packed!” he exclaims.
(Did anyone else picture Matt standing there with one of those stereotypical hobo bag-on-a-stick things? Just me? OK…)
Amber is scared, though. She is the first person in her family to get pregnant in high school, get an MTV show and make a grip of money for sitting on a couch. She’s scared she’s not going to fit in with the affluent people in her new neighborhood. After all, growing up, Amber probably considered anyone who had any jewelry other than a state-issued house arrest anklet to be “wealthy.” Oh, how times have changed!
The next day, Ambie and Matt head over to their “house about seven or eight” (Kudos to anyone who caught the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air reference. If you didn’t…you probably have a life and don’t spend your nights watching Nick at Nite reruns. Good for you!)
Anyway, Amber is hoping that their her offer on the house will be accepted. She’s worried that the Neighborhood Watch in the new ‘hood won’t be thrilled to see Amber, her MTV camera crew and the rest of her white trash crew “Beverly Hillbilly-ing” it into their wealthy area. As long as Cousin Krystal doesn’t ride in on a rocking hair atop of the car, you should be OK, Amb. (I mean, save that for the holidays!)
In Tennessee, Maci is all settled in her new giant house, so her friend Keelie comes over to talk about the necessary topics– the “surprise” pregnancy, Maci’s wedding and, of course, Ryan.
Maci tells Keelie that she wants to get married at the place in Florida, but is reluctant to spend $20,000 on the venue alone. She’d still have to pay for flowers, photos and a DJ. (Why not just have one of her hillbilly friends play ‘Red Solo Cup’ on repeat and save a bunch of cash? I mean…it’s going to happen with or without a DJ, let’s be honest.)
They also have to pay for food and alcohol, and we all know that the beer tab at Maci and Taylor’s wedding could cost more than Farrah’s first four faces put together!
Finally, we go to Michigan to see how Tyler is faring without Catelynn, who is in rehab. There’s not a random friend who can have the necessary on-camera convo with Ty, so Producer Jessica steps in to ask questions. Apparently, Tyler and Nova will be visiting Cate in the ‘hab this week.
Tyler can’t be bothered to worry about that right now, though. He’s stressed because he just bought a new house. Jesus God (Leah), did the MTV checks arrive this week or something? Why is everyone buying houses!? Oh, yes. They are teen parents, and that’s what regular teen parents do. Of course.
Tyler’s been putting in new carpet or something in the new giant house, so he’s “frazzled” and “over-worked.” And, of course, he’s doing it all while holding down a 9-to-5 job at the office.
Ha! Ha! Just kidding!
But at least he’s going to school full-time, so his being frazzled is understandable.
Oh…wait….
Yup, this is legit the only thing this guy has to do, other than bring Nova over to April‘s Casa de Virginia Slims every morning.
Catelynn isn’t allowed to leave the facility, but apparently she is allowed to do on-camera phone calls (Thank the Baby Jesus!) She calls up Ty to let him know that she still feels awful, despite having been at the rehab place for two weeks.
Next we check in with Gary, who has taken his wife Kristina and daughters down to Florida for some fun in the sun. He’s gone out fishing with Kristina’s brother, who is basically just one big ball of redness and bad line delivery.
“Did….Amber ‘n’ Matt…did they get married?” he manages to spit out.
Gary (who has secured a sweat towel to wipe the perspiration from his brow) tells his brother-in-law that he doesn’t really keep track of Amber’s life anymore. Gary reveals that he’s been planning a vow renewal for him and Kristina. Apparently they said “I do” in a quick courthouse ceremony, and they never got the wedding of their dreams– Kristina in a white dress and an affair catered by Cracker Barrel.
Gary is planning a big beach wedding affair. He’s even secured a long sleeved button-up shirt to wear for the occasion! Tres chic!
The next day, the whole gang is down on the beach, ready to surprise Kristina. She has “no idea” that she’s about to get a vow renewal, but luckily she thought ahead and “just happened” to put on a white flowy dress! What luck!
Kristina sees Gary and their family standing on the beach and instantly breaks into tears. (Was the long sleeved shirt too much? Perhaps she didn’t recognize Gary without his trusty T-shirt?)
Gary tells her how much she means to her and says a bunch of nice stuff. (I have no idea what he said, though, because I couldn’t stop staring at Gar’s exposed chest hair.) Kristina delivers some beautiful vows, which is amazing considering she had to do it on the spot. It is a very cute and touching scene as Gary and his family walk off into the sunset together.
Meanwhile in Los Angeles, Farrah and Simon are meeting up for their fake therapy session. Simon sees Farrah in her glitter suit and just gets this look on his face. You can tell that he’s just dying to comment on her ensemble but…the check cleared so he knows he has to stay quiet.
Dr. Jenn, too, ignores Farrah’s outfit and tries to pretend that she’s really digging deep into Farrah and Simon’s “relationship.” Simon says that a few months ago, he basically realized what a monster Farrah is. He says that Farrah is always upset, which Farrah of course denies. She struggles to push some hateful words out of her pillow lips. Dr. Jenn tries to tell Farrah that she comes across as a miserable biotch.
“The way that you talk to him, no man in his right mind would stick around for that,” Dr. Jenn tells Farrah.
Farrah realizes that she’s kind of being cornered into admitting that she is, indeed, a terrible person, so she quickly changes the subject. She brings up the “engagement” ring she bought for herself. Simon, meanwhile, looks like he wants to strangle himself with one of Farrah’s horrific hair extensions.
Dr. Jenn (like the rest of us) thinks it’s ridiculous that Farrah took it upon herself to design herself an engagement ring and then expect Simon to pay for it and propose. Farrah blames it on Simon, who says he never even had anything to do with the ring, which he says “financially made no sense.” (I mean…he could be miserable with Farrah for free!)
Since she knows that she’s licked, Farrah has no other option but to launch into a Classic Ugly Cry. It’s her last resort, and with her new giant lips, it’s really a sight to see. She can’t really move her lips or her cheeks anymore, so she just does that creepy whisper cry thing she’s developed over the years. Meanwhile, Dr. Jenn is just staring at Farrah with a look that almost certainly says, “I got my PhD to deal with this crap?!”
Farrah then runs out to use the restroom. (Did she have that colonoscopy or something? Is her butt exploding just like Debra said!?)
Meanwhile, in Tennessee, Ryan is wondering if he’s going to get an invite to Maci’s wedding. (Hey, everyone likes a good kegger, right?!) Ryan’s mom hopes that her son will eventually get out of bed long enough to meet himself a good woman who he can knock up on the regular and provide them with some more grandkids.
Speaking of the wedding, Maci is mad that the wedding venue hasn’t agreed to reduce their fee by half in order for “Maci from Teen Mom” to get hitched there. The nerve! She’s so upset that she and Taylor are considering postponing their wedding. Maci says that $20,000 is just too much money for her to spend [at least until she gets assurance that they’ll continue this crapfest for another season.]
Here’s a question: Why not get married somewhere cheaper?! Maci lives in the Bible Belt for Pete’s sake! Surely there is a white chapel by a lake somewhere in Tennessee that Maci and Taylor can have their wedding at! Hell, they can even tell their friends that they’re in Florida– they’ll probably all be so drunk no one will even know where they are!
In the end, the wedding venue buckles and gives Maci and Taylor their wedding venue for way less money. They celebrate, but soon realize that they just have too many friends and are already over capacity for the venue.
In Michigan, Tyler has called in his therapist, who, for some reason, is just despised by Nova. The baby gives the therapist the stink eye the whole time she’s talking to Tyler. For some reason, this makes me kind of happy.
Tyler tells the therapist that Cate is still a big ball ‘o’ cry, which is hard for him.
The next day, he and Nova head to Arizona, where Cate is getting treatment. Shockingly, the treatment center actually put their foot down and refuses to allow MTV to come in with their cameras and film Cate’s therapy. Thank goodness!
In Los Angeles, Farrah is sashaying back to the therapy session, and she’s doing her best to work that glitter jumpsuit! She walks past the “peasants” who are filming the show and sits back down next to Simon. Unfortunately, her time in the bathroom didn’t help much because the Ugly Cry returns almost as soon as her Backdoor hits the couch.
In the end, Dr. Jenn concludes that Farrah and Simon have a shot of making it, but says that they’ll both have to make “massive changes” in order to get anyone to like them. She straight-out tells Farrah that she’ll never find a man if she keeps being angry and aggressive and awful every time she talks.
After the session, Farrah Facetimes Deb to talk about what happened. Deb tries to switch the convo to something about her and Michael, which, of course, instantly angers Farrah.
“Shut the mouth and please let me f**king talk!” Farrah barks.
Oddly, Deb doesn’t tell her daughter to zip her disgusting fish lips. Instead, she insults Simon’s culture and background. As you do.
Somewhere in a ritzy neighborhood of Indiana, Amber and Matt are shoveling their dogs and crap into their new home. Their offer has been accepted, and they’ve enlisted their fellow poor folk from the old neighborhood to help move them into their new mansion.
Matt is busy moving garbage bag after garbage bag of stuff into the moving truck, while the litter of dogs runs amok through the streets.
“Hey, Wayne,” Matt says. “You let the dogs out.”
Well…it’s nice to finally know who did it.
Amber is just standing there, watching everyone work. She does get a concerned look on her face when Matt and the neighbor move her couch. It’s no surprise. After all, that couch is Amber’s most prized possession.
Once they get to their new house, Amber shows the neighbor how nice her house is.
“This is different than sitting in a cell!” Amber exclaims. “If any of my friends back in there saw this, they wouldn’t believe it.”
It’s amazing what getting knocked up at 16 can do for ya!
Amber, Matt and their neighbors stand around, reflecting on the poor decisions they’ve made in their lives. They start spouting AA quotes and it’s a perfect party for Ambie’s first night in a house that doesn’t require bars on the windows!
Amber reveals that she’s now living across the street from a prosecutor. (Oh, the irony!) Matt actually cracks a great joke, telling his fiance, “Well, we’ll keep him in business!”
For that split second, I like Matt. But then…he has to go and ruin everything.
“We’ve earned this baby!” he tells Amber.
And with that, every record in town screeched to a halt.
I’m sorry now…we!? Matt, you had nothing to do with this. It wasn’t your hoo-ha that was put on national TV seven years ago while giving birth. It wasn’t you who beat the BeJesus out of Gary and landed in prison. It wasn’t you who managed to turn these white trash tragedies into a lucrative career of being an MTV reality star.
COME ON!
Let’s end it there before The Ashley punches a wall, Matt-style.
To read The Ashley’s recap of the previous episode of ‘Teen Mom OG,’ click here!
(Photos: MTV)
65 Responses
Better late than never, right? Going through the archives on a rainy day, and this had me ROLLING. “Beat the bejesus out of Gary”…bravo!!
This idiot show has devolved into bringing the PRODUCTION TEAM INTO THE STORYLINES FOR THERE WOULD BE NO STORLINES???????
GIVE IT A REST! BURY IT! IT STINKS LIKE DEATH!
Great write up. I think Farrah looks like a platypus. I expect to see a big tongue come out soon. It is beyond belief she can look in the mirror and see anything that looks good. When you become your own caricature it is time to stop.
Great re cap!!!
I still can not get over the Vegas style jump suit Farrah is wearing and she has the most ugly cry face ever! Also, Gary could of least wore a nice pair of pants w/a dress suit to his renewal ceremony, what does he do for a job besides being on Teen Mom?
Farrah looks like she has a beak. As an early twenty something she should look young and fresh. Instead she looks like she’s in her forties.
Okay, that “Who Let the Dogs Out” reference made me die, lol.
This is my fav recap ever!!!! From Farrah’s backdoor hitting the couch to Ambie’s couch being let out for fresh air – bloody hilarious!
It’s really odd that the Amazon prime version omitted the call with Farrah and Debra.
AH! @TheAshley, sometimes it’s like we’re two girls sharing one adorable, pop culture loving brain. Stahp it. That Selena reference? Spot on. It’s where my mind went too. In fact, I spent that whole scene texting lines from the movie back and forth with my middle school bestie. You know, “anything for SelenaS.” That’s as far as I made it in the recap.
I think Matt may have been referring to them making money on the house flipping because he worked on fixing up the houses they resold. But it did have a huh, what? moment, which is exactly why MTV put it in there. Weeks of filming, they only put in the controversial bits,right?
With AMBERS money. He doesnt have a job, or money.
We all rag on Gary constantly, but honestly, his vow renewal idea was very sweet. He’s also an incredible father. He stepped up to raise Leah with absolutely NO complaints, and even at the time,defended Amber.It takes a lot of self-restraint to let someone beat up on you, and just calmly take it. He didn’t yell at her, didn’t raise his hand, nothing. It doesn’t matter that Amber’s a girl, hitting is ALWAYS wrong!
Gary loves fatherhood and it shows. He did what a lot of guys his age wouldn’t be able to handle and that’s single fatherhood at a young age and I will always commend him for that. But Gary is vindictive and immature most of the time when it comes to Amber. He’s a manipulator and a habitual button presser. He uses Leah as a pawn and bargaining chip. I understand his hesitation sometimes because Amber moved creepy Matt in without hesistation but Gary was treating her like shit before Matt, playing mind games with her Kristina and playing the one against the other. Regardless of what he and Amber may be squabbling about, that shouldn’t have any bearing on her being able to see her daughter. Gary acts like a scorned woman. He wants Amber to suffer for the rest of her life for the mistakes she’s made.
Agree Chinele. Gary may not have physically abused Amber, but he was verbaly & emotionally abusive, which is just as bad. They were both just toxic together. I actually was not moved by Gary’s vows. It was all about what Kristina has done for Leah, he doesn’t mention anything about what she means to him as his wife & partner. Seriously, compare his vows to all the scenes he used to cry over for Amber. Remember the song he wrote & sung to Amber over the phone one time? BIG difference. I think he loves Kristina, but he is not IN love with her. There’s nothing wrong with that either, considering we all know what type of relationship plays out when he gets his heart stuck in the trash compactor like he had with Amber. So at least it is a healthy relationship, but I feel bad for Kristina. I honestly felt sorry for her watching that whole scene, it was Gary’s moment to really step up & it was just made my stomach turn for her. She’s light years ahead of Gary in terms of maturity & is honestly too good for him. Gary & Amber know this, but I get the feeling Kristina doesn’t & that makes me sad.
Idc what happens to Kristina considering I heard she was cheating on her husband with Gear-Ree and gave up custody of her daughter in order to be able to film TM. Gary only married that girl so it can look good in court and because Leah needed a full time mom. You can tell Gear-Ree still loves Amber but he knows they are not good for each other.
I’m glad Gary got his eyebrows back. I was worried.
I can not believe Macy is having Ryan and his paren’t at her wedding. I was disappointed the Ashley didn’t explore that more since the sexually tension between Macy and Ryan is only building. I will watch the wedding just for that now!
…..anyone else notice how matt was wearing a shirt that said Hakuna Matata when him and Amber were moving into HER new place?? LOL! it means no worries…for the rest of your daysssss!!! Matt knows he’s set up for life as a professional moocher…he hit the lottery with Amber!
Unfortunately he did hit the lottery, big time. I feel bad for Amber because when Gary moved on it was obvious she was vulnerable and looking for love and a complete family for her daughter. Matt swooped in like a vulture. This is going to end badly. He is gonna drop her so fast when the show is cancelled and the money and free trips are done.
He almosy certainly did mot hit the lottery. Matt will live good for maybe 1 more season but teen moms OG is on its last leg. These girls are spending money like the Trumps becuase they are trying to keep up with Farrah but Farrah has business amd a steady stream of income. She doesnt need Teen Mom money as badly as these other girls do.
How I lov3 your recaps! April’s Casa de Virginia Slims! Lol!!!
I REALLY look forward to your recaps. They are so right on and hilarious. PLEASE keep them coming. I will be devastated if Teen Mom ends and I can no longer read your blog!!!! Love it, Love it, Love it.
Farrah’s lips look like two Swedish Fish.
I like Swedish fish. Please don’t insult them like that.
I’m sorry but am I the only one who is tired of Amber talking about prison she acts like she did a 10 year stint and is barely rejoining the real world.
It seemed like Maci was giving the producer and ultimatum when she told them they were going to postpone the wedding if they couldn’t get the venue for the price they wanted. Increase our wedding budget MTV or you won’t be able to show our wedding next season! I am starting to agree that this show has jumped the shark. I used to enjoy watching to see what the girls were doing with their lives, and rooting for them to overcome their struggles, but now it seems like we are watching a bunch of rich kids trying to spend their huge MTV paychecks. Catelynn and Tyler need jobs. They would both stop wallowing if they had something to do. I don’t feel like we are seeing the really Maci anymore, just the version she wants us to see, ‘oops babies’ and planning a wedding she seems totally annoyed by. I don’t even know where to start with Farrah, and Amber just makes me sad. Matt is 100% using her and it’s upsetting to watch. How did he earn that house?? This show is just not relatable anymore.
HOLY CHEST HAIR FATMAN!!!!
Farrah is an armpit. Excellent analogy!
Yeah Amber and Matt let rub it in to the “peasant” neighbors that helped you move probably for free that you are now way above them. Maci thinking her shit don’t stink nothing new. Tyler yes wanting to prove to all that he rose above the “white trash” status but does nothing about it besides spend, spend, spend. Farrah enough said. Either Simon is contracted and that’s why he is still acting like he is in this so called relationship. He already has money probably more than Farrah so its not a money or fame thing. Who would constantly put up with that. She needs to pull a Anna Nicole and marry some billionaire old enough to be her grandfather. I could go on for hours about my opinions of these girls but that would be a 10 page comment.
Just for your reference, that “hobo bag on a stick thing” actually does have a name. I believe it’s called a bindle. Just wanted to put that out there.
Did anyone else notice Tyler leaving Nova in the kitchen behind the baby gate with those 2 Dobermans?! I’m horrified! And him changing Nova on the tram in the airport without a changing pad?! Disgusting!
On the FLOOR of the tram, no less!
Also, Tyler was too busy talking about himself and his lack of sympathy for Catelynn to notice Nova eat something off the floor that kinda looked like a pill. It could have been a fuzz ball or something but I was in a panic thinking it could be a pill Catelynn dropped while high, but then again I’m a very cautious parent.
Thank you! I saw that, too! It’s a wonder the Ashley didn’t mention it, I was sure someone would say something. I’m so disappointed in Tyler and Catelynn. They can’t even take care of themselves much less Nova.
Tyler wanted nova to replace Carly. Anybody watching and listening can see it. He’s always had some problem with Brandon and Theresa and he wanted the chance to raise a kid so he could show the world he could. And Cate was gullible enough that she knew if she got pregnant and they raised a baby together he’d marry her. Now they fester in their house, unhappy where they are in life because they didn’t think about how hard being a parent would be or how easy their lives are. I am proud of Cate for going to rehab. For what this show has become, it’s nice to see ONE of the girls dealing with real issues and shedding light on an important subject. But she needs to pull her head out of her ass and tell tyler how she feels instead of just waiting for him to get over shit. You guys wanted this opportunity so step up and take it.
In the FaceTime scene with Deb, did Farrah actually say “My lips look really good right now”….or am I making that up? If she did…that just shows how out of touch with reality she is, because those lips looked horrendous. She looked like something out of the “Little Shop of Horrors”…Sorry. Correction “The Little Shop of Whores”…
yes!! she’s GOT to have some sort of body dysmorphia. kudos to the ashley for the matt thing, him saying ‘they’ earned it. might as well have dropped the mic right there. as if the thought of amber ‘earning’ it wasn’t bad enough, i choked when HE said he did too. wtf does he really think he did, this man who, by all accounts has spent his life scamming others? devoted his time to figuring out how to avoid work? i guess he’s congratulating himself on finally coming up with one that worked. and props to dr. jen, she straight called farrah out on how she talks to people etc. not that it matters. immediately after, she basically brutalized her mom then hung up, so it’s all going in one ear and out the other. i did think tyler had a great insight, that he and cate met at really chaotic times and interweaved and created a bubble. problem now is, they’re hard pressed to leave that bubble. esp cate.
Matt saying ‘we’ is a form of brainwashing – he does it all of the time – he includes himself in all incidents verbally, if he wasn’t there, he finds a way to add a ‘we’ or ‘us’ to it for Amber to hear – she now is talking about Leah and how it’s great ‘we’re’ all a family which is what she needs. He knows what he’s doing..when he tried to date the sexual abuse counselor and pulled a similar move in with her, he actually wrote a book under a pseudonym about his own supposed sexual abuse and knowledge of it….he’s a sociopath who knows how to change stories on the drop of a dime to worm his way into someone’s life…I believe mirroring would be a good term to describe his narcissistic, sociopathic ways…he lets her have no time away from him, she’s never with Leah alone…he’s playing on her borderline personality disorder diagnosis (and it is a disorder, look it up to understand her more; I worry for her, she could end up harming herself if he keeps pushing her into isolation like he is; the party was just to worm his way into her phone and the last Amber-only relationships she had…now, he’s a part of the friendship that she shares with anyone).
Thank you for throwing in the ‘affair catered by Cracker Barrel’. One of my favorite Gary moments ever was the time he picked up carry-out Cracker Barrel for Amber while she was living in that hotel and tried to claim he made it. I can still hear her squealing ‘Awww, MEATLOAF!’
I was going to comment on so many things but the Ashley you covered it all so perfectly and then some!!! Thank you!
Sometimes I wish the MTV producers, etc., on scene could bitch-slap the cast! I am so angry with Matt. It has been clear for a long time that Amber and Gary are very content to live fairly simply (though lazily). Their houses were modest, and even Gary’s vow renewal was very plain. Now along comes Matt and Amber is buying a huge house in a “high class” neighborhood and considering plastic surgery!! Before she knows it, he will be gone and she will be living in a trailer with no hot water again!
PS – Farrah is vile.
You are right!! Gary is not super flashy anymore and Amber wasn’t as bad as the others when it came to being super flashy until she met Matt and then all of a sudden it was always the best of the best. But, too it could be cause now she isn’t spending her money on drugs anymore. But one thing I have seen a lot of being a “recovering addict” is the ones who constantly talk about how they are “sober” and will tell anyone that will listen that they are recovered and were sick are the ones doing it still. Or slipping up every once in awhile and then are like I need you to support me and I am sick its going to happen. Also too the ones that are actually are “sober” say they are clean not sober. Sober is no drinking. So I think they are not as “sober” as they claim.
Someone please fill me in on Simon. Are he and Farrah actually an item? Or what the hell is going on with that? Is he really that stupid?
The simple answer to that is some people will do ANYTHING to be on TV.
I hope it’s worth it (it’s not), because his dumb ass is risking his professional career. Who would want to conduct any business with him after this?! No one forgets you being on a TV show with Cruella De Farrah.
They are on again, off again. She was real excited by him in the beginjng, now she’s a major bitch to him at all times, most recently for her buying her own engagement ring and claiming he said it was ok but never proposing or paying back. Some people say he’s hired to be her on screen bf, some say there’s no way he could like her period. Something is off with him. How can anyone stand her anyway?It doesn’t seem like they are together currently.
What on earth is goin on with Gary and that chest carpet? Ewww!
OMG, this one was beyond great! Thank you for all the LOL! You have a nail gun in your fingers ;-).
I think Matt would have loved to tell the old neighbours who helped them move “Yo home, smell you later!”. They obviously think they stink and Matt didn’t have anything to do when the Fresh Prince first aired (you know, no wife or kids to harass him during couch time).
I think I just had a woman crush on first sight with Dr Jenn (haven’t seen her before, not a US resident). Finally someone who tells Farrah the truth and is not intimidated by what the vocal cords behind those two giant flaps produce.
Oh and the wedding venue, come on, we all know MTV is paying for that.
Luckily Gary’s vow renewal wasn’t that expensive for MTV, leaves budget for Maci’s beverage bills.
It must have been far out of Gary’s 21$ Wallmart engagement ring (with receipt) – comfort zone so Kristina must have been over the moon and back.
Let’s hope it did not spark any jealous feelings on Ambie’s part (“Gary, WTF?! Oooh no! She might have got the man while I had the boy, but I sure as hell am going to top her wedding.”).
Farrah’s takeaway from therapy “So you’re saying there’s a chance…”
And all my hopes and dreams can came crashing down when amber wasn’t carried out on the couch, Hawaiian princess style.
Love your recaps! Hilarious! So glad you addressed the fish lips, the glitter jump suit, Matt saying “we earned this”, Maci pretty much begging a venue to give her a discount based upon her false assumption of her level of “famousness”, the fake therapy and all the rest! This show has definitely jumped the shark. These women have no jobs, life goals, or ambition other than Farrah whose only ambition is to take up the back door for money and groom her creepy child to do the same. Very sad.
You hit all the things I screamed at!
That jumpsuit! I thought she was auditioning for Dancing with the P0rn Stars. And the lips…she even mentions to herself in the mirror how good they look. Lol Maybe she keeps them plump for Simon’s Backdoor. I was surprised that she’s only been seeing Simon for a little over a year. So last season, she wanted to marry a man she knew for a few months, a stranger, move him into her home with her daughter? Simon was sooooo relieved when Dr Jen said let’s leave Sophia out of your relationship. Simon couldn’t agree faster…”yea yea lets do that!!” He can’t stand that kid. Farrah just cannot see that he is only in it for the Backdoor. She is his booty call and sugar mama. That’s all he wants, that’s when they’re the happiest bc he’s in a great mood telling her what she wants to hear so he can get more Backdoor. She says she’s so damn smart, but she’s dumber than a box of rocks.
Matt and his “We earned this!” UGH!!! Why does she let him say it?? And I’m sorry if you can afford to move into a “ritzy” neighborhood why can’t you afford movers? Those poor ppl that had to listen to them bash the same neighborhood that they’re going to continue to live when you’re gone, boast about how nice it is, and then ask them to move them in?? The nerve!! Did they at least offer them their old steering wheel clubs and ADT yard sign? What was the deal in the furniture discount store? Of course, Amber wore out another bed. Who buys mattresses there? And picks out the first one? Then they go around buying dumb worthless crap. She should have bought all new living room furniture. You know it all smells like dog piss. Btw..wonder what happened to the mean kitty? Probably the same farm all the other Teen Mom’s animals are. I haven’t seen Maci & Taylor’s Bonnie & Clyde…oh well guess something needed to go. It also to caked me off when THEY have no problem going to the courthouse, but their families would disown them? I don’t think so. You’ve broken every darn sin already and they still love you and who cares…it’s not their wedding or life! My county has a tiny chapel at the courthouse. So much $$ they’re wasting. They can still have a kick *ss wedding reception bonfire by the lake so they and their friends can get lit and play beer pong & corn hole.
The part I thought you were gonna have a field day is with Gary’s surprise wedding. First, he hit the jackpot if she thought that was a “Dream Wedding” and when I saw families in their bathing suits swimming and picnicking, I thought I was gonna die laughing!!!! Gary couldn’t afford or the MTV crew couldn’t help him out with a private beach?? Even if they had to rent a house on the beach which he should have anyway. There’s no way I could be serious about exchanging vows on a public beach with families beach in’ it up. I’m surprised people didn’t just stare and laugh and say, WTF is this redneck sh*t??! The must have re-staged that bc I don’t think they’d leave Kristina’s daughter out and there was no place she could have been standing unless she was on Gary’s back or they left her with one of the beach families. There’s no way I’d have my “Dream Wedding” w/o my daughter.
I was wondering where Kristina’s daughter was but then I remembered her father stopped allowing her on camera. I am sure she doesn’t leave her out of things. I know the little beach thing was a bit redneck lol but I thought it was VERY sweet especially when Leah said “you are everything to me” As a mother of 2 I am so glad that little girl has a positive role model in her life and I truly hope they remain that way. I am sure Amber tries her best but I don’t see Matt being anything positive in her life.
Tyler is just a brat, he has a lot of issues. When I saw him hitting himself with the phone I thought that dude should have went to rehab also. He wants things to be soo perfect, maybe to prove to brandonandtersea? He wants a perfect marriage, perfect thin happy wife, perfect home but can’t grasp that life is not that way. He talks about Cait being unmotivated but he sits at home right along with her. No job, no education. Just complains and puts her down.
As far as Maci when her and her drunkie fiance were talking to the film crew I felt like they were hinting to them that MTV should pay for her. She comes off so dumb at times for all the choices she makes in life? Like she wants to prove to people something. Why can’t you get married at city hall and have a party later on. They just want to show off for their friends meaning foot the bill for free drinks and food everywhere they go. They have now 3 children, mortgages, household bills, cars and a business they need to be smart about their money. Taylor seems like another one milking her. What did he do beforehand? I’m going to be honest I only watch this show because of The Ashley’s recaps. It’s fizzing out of story lines. Everyone on the show is beyond fake, even the people in their lives. They had their children young and not one of them has actually done something productive with their lives and money maybe Kailyn from TM2 since she finished school. Everyone else sits on their couches day in and out, complains, has horrible relationship choices and they keep popping out kids. What example are they setting up for their children?
Farrah is a go getter I admit that but she needs help mentally. I think that Derek’s death messed her up completely and she so badly wants to fall in love and have a family for Sophia because of that. I know deep down she wants Sophia to have a father figure in her life, but she is so angry that she lashes out on everyone over something so small. Every single one of these girls need real people behind them to give positive advice and not enable them. The money will run out soon and they ones who will suffer the most will be the children.
This might be an unpopular opinion, but I think Amber and Matt deserve each other. Neither one of them have any ambition to get off the couch or parent their children. Matt is a piece of crap that can’t keep his number of kids straight. Amber just wants to “relax” and not parent Leah full time. She seem more interested in being a friend than being a mother.
Totally agree! I’m completely unimpressed by Amber. I give her Zero credit. The only reason she seems calmer is because no one challenges her so she doesn’t need to lash out in a screaming match – her true personality!
I wasn’t sure how I felt about Taylor at first. He seems nice enough, but somehow something is off about him. When you said he’s using Maci, I realized I agree. He seems to be putting minimal effort and also encouraging all these trips and buying a big house and tying her down w another kid…insurance
Well now, Matt did do a lot of work to get into that house. After all, he tweeted half the Teen Mom/Teen Mom 2 cast to try and get someone to take his bait, he had to give up his apartment in Boston in record time, he had to make up a drug abuse background, he had to hide all his children from her and then handle that shit when everything came to light, and he had the hardest time sitting on that couch for days at a time. I mean, sheesh, he REALLY earned that house!
RE: Farrah’s lips….reminds me of the Pringle TV commercial about duck lips. Girl is scarily screwed up.
None of them earned any of this, they just got really lucky.
Matt disgusts me. Amber allowing him to be around her daughter is just awful. Hopefully Gary and his chest hair keep Leah safe.
I’m dying laughing right now!!! Matt you didn’t earn shit cept for all your baby mamas coming after you!! And did you see Gary’s mom on the beach? Holy mother of god
Ugh the entire time Matt said “WE” I just cringed. I said to myself wth have you done? He got lucky, he stalked and harassed these girl until one of the desperate enough for attention and actually gave in. He is going to milk her for every cent she has. I only pray Gary and Kristina keep Leah safe and away from that train wreck. At first I thought Kristina was a little dopey with how she talks about things but she seems like a wonderful mother and kind woman. I wish Amber had someone grab her and shake her up to realize what this guy is doing to her. It is so sad and pathetic. What’s even worse is that MTV and the producers stand around and let these things happen. They have known these girls since they were young, I would have been fired for opening my mouth.
Gary’s mom always cracks me up, I remember her with this dark rouge, lipstick and eye shadow a few years back I think when Amber was in jail. That little dress was something else lol
“Hey, Wayne,” Matt says. “You let the dogs out.”
Well…it’s nice to finally know who did it.
??? Dead.
Loveee your recaps!!!!!!
@Shelby- So glad someone caught that one 🙂 =-The Ashley
I accidentally down-voted this ? I’m sorry ?
Freaking hysterical…. laughing by myself at work about this