Howdy, fellow trash TV lovers! It’s been a while since we’ve checked in with the gals of Teen Mom OG, and, since The Ashley missed a few episodes between recaps, let’s first catch up on what happened since the last recap: Maci got a helicopter ‘o’ man meat in her face while in Vegas to celebrate her bachelorette party, Amber snagged her wallet out of Matt‘s grubby mitts so that she could pay for a “Mommy Makeover” procedure, Tyler finally got his gersh-dern “open floor plan” house, and Farrah was generally just awful. So basically….business as usual in ‘Teen Mom’ Land.
This episode kicks off in Michigan where Cate and Ty have just received their invitation to Maci and Taylor‘s wedding. Naturally, Cate and Ty aren’t put off at all by the fact that they have to travel over 1,100 miles to go to the wedding, which is [in]conveniently being held in Florida. Hey– that’s what MTV money is for! Catelynn mentions that the wedding is only two weeks away, which means that those last-minute flights to Florida will surely be extra-cheap. Let’s just hope that they don’t make Butch ride in a pet carrier under the seat to save money. (Surely Butch will be invited to attend the festivities?! Right?!)
The next day, Tyler is stressing out about his new house, stating that everything is ruined and they are doomed to live in a sunken-floored money pit forever…unless Tyler can find a general contractor who can come in and fix everything. It’s a DISASTER!!! Ty and Cate are going to have to do at least two more seasons of this crappy show in order to pay for all of this construction.
Ugh…this is boring. No one cares about Tyler’s “open floor plan.” Can we get some clips of Butch talking about his most colorful prison cellmates or something, just so The Ashley doesn’t fall asleep? It’s only right!
Meanwhile in Tennessee, Taylor and Maci are thinking about inviting Ryan and his new live-in girlfriend Mackenzie over. Maci feels that it would be good for Bentley to have both of his parents together. It would also be good for Ryan, as he would technically have to be awake if he went to Maci’s, and that would help level out his awake/nap ratio for the week.
Maci feels comfortable around Mackenzie because she also was a teen mom (naturally!), so they have a lot in common. In addition, Ryan and Mackenzie are due to appear at Maci and Taylor’s wedding, and Maci probably wants to get an idea of how many security guards she’ll need to hire to keep Ryan upright during the ceremony.
Maci asks Jayde if she’s excited for Ryan to come over. Jayde starts crying, and it’s understandable. No baby likes to share her crib with a strange gray-haired man.
Over in Indiana, Gary calls up Amber to see if she can come fetch Leah, as Kristina‘s older daughter is in the hospital. She agrees, and then gives Gary an update on Matt‘s son, Chris. He apparently split after meeting some random girl in Indiana. Of course, because this is ‘Teen Mom,’ Chris has already moved in with said girl, so he is no longer squatting on Matt and Amber’s precious couch.
“We don’t really see him anymore,” Amber tells Gary, who seems very relieved that his daughter won’t be sharing oxygen with a random convicted felon “recovering” drug addict. Go figure.
Gary’s sassy mom, Carol, comes over to chat. Apparently, Mama Shirley must have gone out shopping with Debra lately, because she is sporting a frock that surely came out of the “Young & Modern” section of the JC Penny. She’s got on a black top with cut-outs, a tongue ring (!) and more Mary Kay blue eyeshadow than Leah Messer could sell in a month.
Sorry, Deb, but Mama Shirley may have just taken over as the best-dressed grandparent on this show!
Gary says that Amber is not getting Leah for overnights during the school week, because Amber’s tendency to oversleep, Ryan-style, could jeopardize Leah’s perfect attendance at school.
Fianlly, we head to Texas to see who Farrah is tar-and-feathering this week. The scene we are given is more wonderful than anything The Ashley could even dream up. We start off with Farrah, wearing a shower cap (natch) and cleaning her garage.
We’ll get to that shower cap in a minute but first– can you imagine what it would be like to clean out Farrah’s garage?! Oh, the treasures you could find! There are probably just piles of Froco Copablaooooba dolls, mixed in with copies of Farrah’s romance novels, packets of that horrible Instagram tea she hawks, and a few vibrating molds of her vagina mixed in for good measure. You know, the kind of stuff everyone has in their garage….
OK, now we gotta talk about that cap! The Ashley hasn’t been this excited about headwear since April went through her cowboy hat stage!
Farrah is hammering away at shelves, all while the port-a-potty shines brightly in the background, wet from the tears of all the ‘Teen Mom’ crew members. The only way this scene could get any better is if Butch was sitting off to the side of the garage, knitting an afghan for Tyler’s new house using strands of hair from his cut-off mullet.
Farrah tells us that she is having a soft (huhuhuhhuhuh) opening for her furniture store this week, so she’s been forced to seek out Debra’s help because, well, she’s one of the only people who will do free labor for Farrah while also allowing her to randomly scream “God Bless America!” at her. Just because she is forcing Deb to slave away hawking lamps and whatnot, that doesn’t mean Farrah likes her mother any more than usual. She tells us things between them are still “tense.”
The producers show up, and Farrah immediately congratulates herself for being so “impressive.” She then explains her shower cap look, telling Producer Heather that she’s “sweat gardening” (as you do), and that she needs the cap to protect her expensive hair extensions.
Farrah proceeds to tell Producer Heather that “gardening is therapy.” She’ll need all of that “therapy” because…Deb has arrived on the scene! Naturally, she looks like she just stepped from the fitness section of Seventeen magazine. Deb is wearing short shorts and a strappy tank. (She is sans shower cap, though. Apparently her Sally Lee press-on hair extensions aren’t quite as pricey as Farrah’s?)
Debra helps Farrah dig out some plants, all while getting yelled at by Farrah. Debra struggles to uproot one tree (that is growing next to the Port-a-Potty and is obviously benefiting from the consistent whiffs of, um, fertilizer floating around the area). Farrah basically tells her to can it and work harder.
Soon, Farrah has launched into a full-on tirade against her mother, all over some tree placement. Somehow Debra manages to refrain from using a shovel to wack the damn shower cap off of her daughter’s big ol head.
“Pity Poo!” Farrah taunts her mother. “Cry a f**king river!”
Farrah then calls her mom mentally ill, and she and Debra continue to bicker throughout the rest of the scene. Seriously, only these two knuckleheads could turn a tree-planting scene into a catfight suitable for The Jerry Springer Show. Finally, Deb has had enough and she storms into the house. Dirt-covered and beaten down, Debra still is defending Farrah.
“I’m very tired of not being loved!” she wails while shoveling in a free salad.
Meanwhile in Tennessee, Maci is not wearing a shower cap. She is, however, preparing to wear her wedding dress. The last time she tried on her dress was when Baby Oopsie #3 was still in her blessing-maker, so she’s excited to see what she looks like in the dress without a baby bump.
You know who could use a shower cap, though? Ryan. He’s sitting on the couch at home, showing off his uncombed salt-n-peppa locks. Let’s just say a little Just For Men hair dye, a shower cap and an hour or so wouldn’t be a terrible investment for ol’ Ry.
Somehow, though, he’s managed to keep his girlfriend Mackenzie around, and Ryan tells her that Maci wants them to go over to her house to “grill out” that weekend. Mackenzie agrees to go, and Ryan tells Maci that he (and his horrifyingly large pupils), as well as Mackenzie, will be there!
Ryan is impressed with Mackenzie’s maturity about the situation. He tells her that, had Maci texted him about this while he was with any of his other girlfriends, they would have told him accused him of wanting to have sex with Maci.
So…we aren’t the only ones who notice that Maci and Ryan nearly always look like they want to rip each other’s clothes off and bang it out right there on the front lawn? Ryan’s previous girlfriends apparently saw it too.
Mackenzie doesn’t seem too worried that Ryan will end up screwing Maci at the grill out. After all…have you seen Ryan lately?!
Over in Michigan, Tyler and his mom, Kim, are having their regular lunch together. For some reason, Tyler’s got his hair greased back like a wet pekingese for the occasion.
Tyler and Kim are trying to figure out the menu, which seems to be made up of a cuisine they are not used to. (Surely the chef can whip up something with Manwich in it to make them feel a bit more comfortable?)
As Tyler ponders what the hell gor-gonzo-la is, he and and his mom discuss Tyler’s money pit of a house. Kim reminds her son that he rarely, if ever, finishes a project, and she’s worried the house could be thrown into the heap of crap Tyler has started but not completed. She encourages him to stick with the house renovations in order to make him feel better about himself. Kim is worried Tyler is depressed like Catelynn is.
You know who else is depressed? Amber. She’s given up on her plan to live a Shake-n-Steak-less life, and has gained all of the weight she lost back. After arguing with Matt about who ate the last chicken leg (no…seriously, that happened), Amber tells the producers that she wants to lose 40 pounds. When the producer asks what kind of exercise regiment Amber is planning, we learn that there’s no way that Ms. Portwood is going to be “Sweatin’ to the Oldies” any time soon.
Instead, Amber will be undergoing a “Mommy Makeover,” a series of plastic surgery procedures in which she will be nipped, tucked and plucked back into a trimmer figure. Amber says that she gets more depressed when she gains weight.
Later, Amber and Matt go to pick up Leah and take her to the park. In the middle of the park-time fun, Matt gets a call from Gary, who says that Kristina is coming to pick Leah up. Amber is upset that she’s not allowed to keep Leah overnight.
They end the scene with a semi-disturbing image. Leah is shown swinging on a swing, and then the image of Leah fades away to just an empty swing. Nope, nothing creepy about that, MTV!
Back in Austin, Farrah’s dad Michael and boyfriend-thing Simon are hauling in stuff for Farrah’s furniture store, while Deb is playing manager. She’s busy tormenting some of the store’s new employees. (Geez…these poor schmucks must have really needed a job!)
Store Employee Michael (not to be confused with Farrah’s dad Whatever…Michael) is trying his best not to laugh while Debra is quizzing him on curtain displays. He knows he’s about one giggle away from being forced to wear those horrible FroCo sunglasses during his shifts, and he’s not gonna risk it!
Later, Debra is estimating the cost of assembling the furniture (or something), and of course Farrah is being especially tarty toward her. No matter what Debra says, Farrah has a nasty reply. Farrah tells her mother that, duh, every piece of furnture can be assembled in, like, 10 minutes. After all, it only takes 15 minutes to get her yogurt store opened each day, remember? Farrah gets her backdoor all in a bunch and huffs off to terrorize someone else for a while.
The next day, Deb and Farrah go to the salon to have their claws sharpened for their next catfight. Debra begs her daughter for a few days off from her forced furniture store labor, and Farrah is angry that Deb wants to leave. Deb doesn’t want to tell Farrah where she’ll be going.
“What? Do you want to stick a microscope up me?” Deb asks.
Ewwww. I’m having flashbacks of the whole “Deb talks about her colonoscopy” scene from earlier this season.
Farrah and Deb argue about who cares less about the other’s feelings. (Meanwhile, the nail salon workers are probably getting a good laugh at the whole thing. It won’t be as funny, though, when the pumice stones and cuticle removers start flyin’!)
“If I can’t take two damn days off to do something that’s important to me, then I don’t know what to say,” says Deb.
Um…I do: “Goodbye Farrah.” That would do the trick!
Debra, of course, bows to Farrah eventually and agrees to stay in Austin to be tormented by her daughter.
The next day, Debra is busy cleaning up the furniture store in preparation for its opening. She is, of course, doing this while wearing a full-on pleather mini dress, which is just a lil’ slice of heaven, really.
Farrah is back at home, chatting with Simon. He tells her that she looks “low class” when she argues with her mother in public. Of course, Farrah denies this, and blames Debra for all the low-class arguing. Simon is actually giving Farrah really good advice, telling her that it’s not professional for her to act this way as a businesswomen. Farrah doesn’t even seem to hear what he’s saying, and is immediately defensive and awful.
Meanwhile, Taylor is getting the meat product all fried up for the grill-out with Ryan and Mackenzie. The Oopsie Babies have been sent to Saturday daycare (naturally), so Bentley is the only kid there. He seems mildly uncomfortable around Ryan, but is still in good spirits. They sit down to eat, and everyone is telling stories about the people they knew with nasty teeth.
It’s dinnertime in Tennessee, y’all!
The grill-out was a big success, and Taylor and Maci realize how happy it made Bentley to have both of his parents hanging out together with only him.
The next day, Maci goes to try on her wedding dress. Her bridesmaids are in awe of the dress, and Maci says she feels like a “Ginger Cinderella.” Maci is excited because Jayde will be wearing a mini version of Maci’s wedding dress. (See? Who says there are no benefits to birthin’ babies out of wedlock?!)
In Michigan, Tyler is still stressing about his House of Horrors. He’s been told that it will cost over $15,000 to get the house in livable condition. Cate isn’t all that concerned about the money. She seems completely unaware that the ‘Teen Mom’ train will someday come to a stop, and that if they’re not careful with their money they’ll be forced to work at the Bargain Bag, packing up government cheese wheels and ringing up ciggies for April and her friends.
She tells Ty that it’s OK to be way over budget because, well, that’s what happens on those “House Hunter” shows.
I…just…can’t….
That’s it for now! On the next episode of ‘Teen Mom OG,’ Maci gets married, Butch gets arrested, Amber gets sucked and tucked, and Farrah gets a chance to ugly-cry on camera.
To read The Ashley’s other ‘Teen Mom OG’ recaps, click here!
(Photos: MTV)
35 Responses
How old is Gary’s mom? I don’t think she’s even that old to be that homely and grey. Those 80 year old glasses, that blue eye shadow. Yikes, 1984 wants their eye shadow back.
Rhines eyes are freaky, he looks possessed
Who is this other Bruja? 🙁
Never in a million years would I think that April of all people would end up being the most normal out of the group
I can’t stand Deb. That’s all I got.
Who gives 2 weeks notice to a wedding??
Oh….white trash
Maci had to wait for some “regrets” to come in, and then send more invites to the second tier guests! ???
I almost spat out my coffee when you wrote about Farrah randomly shouting ‘God bless America’ at her mum several times a day… it literally has no relevance to her conversations 90% of the time LOL. She is such an odd human.
Always makes me kind of sad when I see Ryan and Maci… Could have been a go-er but I guess there’s been so much bad feeling there and obviously she’s now a married woman (with her own colouring book range y’all!) Bentley is such a cute kid.
Farrah is so abhorrent, but it’s so gross you can’t look away… Debra’s shorts were lucky not to be eaten up by her butt ?
Also… GARY’S MOM (has got it goin on)
I think there is regret on both parts, regret that it didn’t work out. I guess we can chalk it up to being 16 and in puppy love but I never see her look at Taylor the same way as Rhine. It seems like they are two drinking buddies who decided to have kids and she strong armed him into marrying her. He seems like a great guy though. Really. Rhine could be on the road to happines finally, this Mackenzie seems great for him and he seems happy with her. Kinda weird that they moved in together so quickly but, I still think she’s awesome for him and I hope they stay together and make each other happy. Rhine does deserve someone special too.
Matt totally isolated Amber from everyone. She has no friends her age, she doesn’t even film with her mother,or brother anymore. Just Matt. Any scene she’s in, Matt is always there like a hawk watching who she interacts with,and also getting his MTV check. She’s too immature and defensive to realized he’s controlling her. Ryan’s is too young to be that gray. His f2f looks like a 45 year old soccer mom. No one is jealous of what Macys has. She bought a very passive husband and became a breeding machine to trap him. Once she actually has to work and the 6 figure MTV checks end, her life will sux azzzz big time. She may be the Apryl 2.0 in 10 more yrs. Cayelyn and Tyler are sickening. They act like the spoiled kids from Charlie and,the chocolate factory. Life will be hard when MTV stopped acting like their Godfather. Where Catleyns pig and the 50 million dogs? did they disappear? Now she wants a horse? I f2f through most of the episodes now,because there are,so boring. I just stopped to watch the new babies like Nova, Jayde and Gary’s lol one. I dont watch scenes with Leah,and Bentley because its disheartening watching them as they grow more mature than their parents. Those older kids see how screwed up their parents are.
Of course Deb will always put up with Farrah because no matter how batshit crazy she is, Farrah is that family’s meal ticket. Face lifts and crop tops for everyone!! The only catch is a lot of abuse and psychotic screaming, better watch it or Farrah with “severance” their relationship.
I’m sick of Cate and Ty. All they do is complain and not work. They need a life outside their house and MTV. I think Cate is hiding behind her diagnosis. She has no problem saying she has depression and panic attacks but refuses to stop smoking pot or follow through with continuing her after care. Get a job, go to school, be a part of a community, do something!!! Buying a horse is not going to fix you.
I thought Ryan and Maci and their significant others having dinner with Bentley was nice. That kid deserves the best. I loved Maci’s wedding dress, glad she chose an appropriate color and she looked very beautiful.
Amber just makes me sad. She’s another one who needs to get off the couch and do something. Volunteer, get a job, just go out and meet people. I know she loves Leah but she has to be more involved and really make the effort to be on time. Leah should be number one and she’s just not.
Amber always looks unhappy too. You can tell that parasite Matt is just using her for money and to keep his ugly mug on TV. She is going to end up in jail again or a mental hospital. I feel so sorry for her little girl. This show is so fucked up, I wish MTV would take it off. I think some teenage girls get knocked up on purpose hoping for TV stardom and the fact that they pay Farrah to be a twat is just not fair or right.
She is miserable. She’s miserable because she was vulnerable and fell for this con. Despite 100 red flags, she refuses to see them because she doesn’t want to have another fuck up on her record so she will make this square fit into a round hole to prove the world wrong. I wish she could see that she deserves better and could do a lot better. How great can your relationship be when you’re defending it 100% of the time! That’s exhausting. Everyone can see he sought out troubled girls from the show. It was no coincidence. If I were her Id be suspicious that someone 45 says they watch TM. What the fuck kind of weirdo stuff is that lol? This girl is digging herself a deeper hole everyday she continues to be with him. He isn’t good looking, he’s a deadbeat dad, he didn’t have a job in who knows how many years. She chalks his past up to him being a hoe lol. Well Amber, some of us have gone through promiscuous stage in our 20’s but we don’t have a string of broken kids and mothers in the rear view mirror. Amber is going to lose it when this goes south.
Hey, now. LOL. I’m 40-ish and watching TM. (I’m not a dude, though.)
Amber has never realized that when your friends, your family, and everyone around you say that your man is no good, it’s a strong sign that they know you and think the man isn’t good for you. You have to listen to that, even when you’re blinded to the guy. Being in love (or ‘in like’, hell, whatever, because I can’t imagine anyone going for Matt, though obviously some have) means you’re too close to the situation to be objective.
Matt gives me hives.
Where is the recap from episode 13??!!
People say laughter is healthy, but The Ashley can make me laugh so hard I’m blue in the face, sucking on my inhaler while laying down in a puddle of fake instant coffee I was drinking while reading the recap. I’ll never learn.
Farrah-ugh
Maci- I am glad she and Ryan are making an effort to Co parent more effectively I just hope it’s sincere on maci’s part and not an attempt to rub her new life in Ryans face.
Cate and Ty-they are really like lost kids when it comes to money management. In all of Michigan there wasnt an open floor plan house in their budget?
Amber-plastic surgery isn’t an easy fix for weight loss. Everything makes her depressed. If she spends all this money on surgery and doesn’t change her lifestyle she will be right back at square 1 before too long.
was it this one or last one farrah called her mom a fuckface? something fuckface, degenerate? anyway, that was the worst. i can’t fucking believe deb allows it. if plastic surgery and money is more important to her than self respect, oh well. pity poo, cry a river lol, UGH. i can’t WAIT for part 2 of the reunion next week. deb’s new bf may have been out of place, but so long as SOMEONE called her out, idgaf who it was. good on him, creeper or no. i’m so beyond over farrah talking about how wonderful and smart she is all the time. and tyler was trying so hard to have an adult conversation with cate and she had zero interest. they JUST got paid for this season and they already can’t afford to finish renovating?! Jesus God (Leah), talk about blowing thru money! i felt for him; i basically told my husband, when he said what i’d researched on our car was wrong, that i’m sick of ‘adulting’ on my own. at least i’m googling and asking questions and trying to figure the best way to do things and how to spend wisely and make good investments. it’s hard to figure it all out on your own, and cate just wants to throw money at everything til she has no more to throw. i also noticed her say last night that she knew weed was bad for her condition, but it was better than taking xanax and being a zombie. i was like aha! i knew she was on xans at SOME point at least. i think april has been for a long time. i thought the cookout was really sweet, but ryan seemed to be looking forward to seeing the babies and idk why she’d need sat night daycare when they have 3 sets of grandparents and could’ve just taken them with to ryan’s. i’ve never thought, when ppl said ryan had a thing for maci, it was true, until i saw him gazing at her at the wedding last night. he seemed wistful.
I sometimes get the feeling that MTV still wants the girls to act like they are broke, hence Tyler and Caitlyn acting like they can’t afford $15k to finish the new house, just like Maci acted like they would have to postpone their wedding over an extra $10k. Just for story lines at this point!
was this the episode where catelynn decided she wanted to buy a horse? because that was a serious WTF moment…
Right? A horse when she can’t even take care of her kid?
Pshaw.
Debra is crazy in her own way but I can’t help but feel bad for her the way Farrah yells at her. It’s insane
Gorgonzola is a sort of cheese, Tyler. Man, are you dumb.
Once again a wonderful recap Ashley, thanks for the laughs!
I wouldn’t know where to begin or end when I would share my thoughts on these people and this episode so I’m not going to.
Still think I know Ryan’s new girl from old episodes but I’m not sure anymore. Would she be rental? Can totally see Rhine making a deal with MTV “Kee, I’ll go to the damn wedding and I’ll be sweet, I don’t care but I want you to make me look good for once too in return.”
Or that she flipped her Mom off while wearing the gardening gloves!
@Kathy How did I miss that one?! That’s amazing! I must have been distracted by the shower cap! -The Ashley
Have you caught that clip of Debra in the creepy wig, Ashley? I made it my profile picture over on Starcasm it was so… original. lol!
Hey Bruja. Im on starcasm too. Same user name as here. I honestly think Deb got this makeup a few years ago and convinced herself she looks as good as a 20 year old. She went from being a smart well versed business woman to a bimbo who dresses like she’s 16. Im 30 and even I have to watch that fine line between cool clothes and desperately clinging to my early 20’s lol.
I use the same username everywhere, too. I got a creepy copy-cat here recently though. Very un-cool.
I can’t deal with people who try to be younger than they are! I’m with you.. when I was 30, certain things were just in my past. Belly shirts were one of ’em. No one wants to see my shit.. I use the rule that if my kids were lookin’ at me sideways, even a hint, the outfit had to be retired.
Maybe she is trying to be buddies with Farrah and her porn pals? Who knows, but it’s pathetic.
I missed that myself lol, crazy ass family the abrahHeathens.
I thought for sure you’d mention Farrah telling her mom while gardening, that she doesn’t need “any heathens” helping her in her garden (or something similar, I’ll have to go back and get exact wording)
“Heathens”? She used that word, for real? Farrah doesn’t need any “heathens”? That is funny as Farrah’s future furniture store place of dark business ;-).
Ain’t much going on under that shower cap.
She used that word, truly! I just need to remember what the context was. It was super funny
It was right after the
“I don’t need a no no no, I need a yes yes yes!”