Ahoy, kids! The Teen Mom OG Ship of Broken Dreams is about to set sail for yet another season! The whole gang is back– including Farrah Abraham (and her “Anti-Christ attitude”), Amber Portwood (who realized that if she quit ‘Teen Mom’ like she said she was going to, she’d have to figure out another way to pay off all her fiance’s baby mamas), Maci Bookout (and her never-ending supply of leather-pocketed T-shirts), and Catelynn Lowell (who has hopefully washed that damn zebra hoodie at least once since last season!)
Let’s begin, shall we?
The episode kicks off in Texas, where Farrah is bustling around her about-to-be-opened children’s clothing boutique, and, surprisingly, she’s treating her employees almost like human beings. (I mean, they’re still peasants to Farrah, of course, though.)
Farrah has to head out early to pick up Sophia, who has a photo shoot scheduled that afternoon…just like any seven-year-old does!
Farrah tells us that she and her sometimes-boyfriend Simon are “still on a break,” and she and her mother Debra are still spending the majority of their time together screaming at one another. (Of course, Deb couldn’t care less– she’s got her budding rap career to worry about, after all!)
Farrah arrives at Casa de Backdoor, where Sophia’s grandpa, Jerry, and Deb are waiting for her. Sophia will be doing a photo shoot, modeling kids’ clothes and shoes from her store. (Of course, she will only be wearing whatever frocks she is able to wrestle away from Deb!)
The whole gang heads to the store for the photo shoot. Before any photos can be taken though, Sophia proceeds to beat the beJesus out of Debra, wacking her in her skintight-jeggings-covered legs with a roll of wrapping paper. (As you do.)
Farrah tells Debra that “ain’t nobody got time” for the kid to act like a kid. She hustles Sophia into her “glamorous star dressing room” (aka the bathroom) to change, while Debra looks envious, thinking of all the cool clothes Sophia will get to wear.
Sophia is surrounded in a pile of creepy Froco dolls, and the whole scene is kind of enough to haunt our nightmares…
Speaking of haunted nightmares, it’s almost Halloween over in Tennessee. Maci and Taylor are hanging out with their bushel of oopsie babies. It takes exactly seven seconds for the real star of Maci’s scenes– Bud Light– to make an appearance on-screen, and for Maci to start bitching about how hard her life is, now that she has three “miracle babies” to contend with.
Maci is preparing to take her litter trick-or-treating, and is fully expecting Ryan to crap out on the festivities as he does every year. Maci is changing things up this year, though. Instead of carting the kids over and mooching candy from Ryan’s parents’ neighbors, she’s taking the kids around her own neighborhood and inviting Jen and Larry, as well as Ryan (and his ever-bulbous eyes).
“I’m not gonna spend my night waiting on Ryan and wondering where he is!” Maci declares.
Meanwhile, Taylor is focusing on other problems. He only has a few days to figure out how to stuff enough beers into one of those plastic pumpkins to last him the whole two hours he’s taking the kids out trick-or-treating.
Over in Indiana, Amber’s got problems too. She’s opening an online fashion boutique, but she’s having trouble pronouncing the name she’s chosen for the shop. “Forever Haute,” she says, explaining to her neighbor that’s it’s “like, French” and that it means high fashion…or something.
Amber is having a hard time focusing on her life goal of bringing haute clothing to the masses because she’s having tooth pain. Amber, who is, for some reason, all dressed up like she’s about to work the Jungle Cruise ride at Disneyland, tells Matt that Tylenol can only help her pain so much.
(You may remember that Amber has a history of getting HIGH! HIGH! on painkillers, so she has to “just say no” to pain meds.)
Amber has downed so many Tylenol that she’s ready to yak. She tells Producer Kerthy that she has to throw up, then proceeds to instruct the poor lady to get up close and look in her mouth.
Kerthy gets a gander inside Amber’s rotting pie-hole, and is shocked. She tells Amber to go to the dentist, but Amber’s scared that the dentist will yank her tooth out and give her pain pills.
Matt is also concerned. As he smacks down a box of greasy chicken tenders, he encourages Amber to go home so she can yak in the privacy of her own home. (To be fair, I feel like I’m gonna yak myself after watching Matt eat that chicken!)
Finally, we check in with Catelynn (aka the one we always forget is on this show.) She and Tyler are trying to teach their daughter Nova to crap in the living room, and she’s struggling with the whole “potty training” thing.
Nova’s potty isn’t the only thing that’s crappy in the Baltierra household, though. Catelynn tells us that she and Tyler had a rough first year of marriage, and she’s worried about their relationship.
Naturally, Cate and Ty’s best solution to having a crappy household is…to buy a new house, of course! They’ve been fixing up their new house and are about to move in.
Unfortunately, our favorite “non-juicehead” felon, Butch, is back in the slammer, after missing a parole meeting. Cate and Ty won’t elaborate on what else happened that caused Butchy to be sent back to the clink, but they do tell some random producer that Butch actually called them up and asked them to refrain from blabbing about his personal issues on the show.
Tyler is used to Butch returning to his criminal way, so he’s not really surprised. Catelynn tells Ty that their new house “is like a fresh new start,” and that they can leave all the negativity back at their old place. (Wait…there’s still gonna be a Butch Room at the new house though, right? Right?! They’re not gonna make him live in a creepy camper in the driveway again, are they?)
Back in Tennessee, a sleepy-eyed Ryan is lunching with his parents and girlfriend Mackenzie. They’re chit-chatting about Maci’s recent wedding, and it’s all fun and everything…until Ryan randomly mentions that he’s been dreaming about Maci lately.
When he says that, Mackenzie looks like she’s about to choke on her fettuccine Alfredo and/or choke Ryan for saying something like that on camera).
He tells everyone that he was dreaming of Maci wearing a different dress, one that he imagined for her (like for his own wedding to her? Awkward…) Ryan says he had imagined Maci in a big, white dress.
Everyone tries to act like this is a totally appropriate conversation for Ryan to be having in front of his new girlfriend.
“I can’t control what I dream!” Ryan protests. “Don’t y’all worry!”
After Ryan stops talking about his ex-fiancé’s wedding attire, Jen brings up the topic of Halloween. Ryan says he’s not really interested in going out with his son to fetch candy. He only did it (well…attempted to do it) last year because Bentley didn’t have anyone to trick-or-treat with.
“Well you were a tad bit late last year,” Jen reminds Ryan.
Um…a tad?! It was basically mid-November by the time Ryan finally strolled in.
Ryan calls up Maci to see if Bentley has a Halloween costume yet. Maci says that she hasn’t bought it yet because she can’t find it, and is thinking she’ll have to make it herself.
Meanwhile, Larry hasn’t said one word. He’s legit just shoveling in his free breakfast scramble as fast as he possibly can. (He’s probably trying to get in dessert before they stop filming.) He couldn’t care less about Ryan’s dreams, Bentley’s costume or any of the crap these people are talking about.
“Y’all talk, I eat,” he mutters.
LARRY FOR THE WIN!
Back in Texas, Farrah is making sure that her children’s boutique isn’t taking up all of her time. After all, she has two more businesses to run (and a whole town and an MTV production crew to terrorize).
After wrestling with a ridiculously oversized lamp, Farrah is greeted by her father, [Whatever] Michael. He’s right on time for his daily berating from his daughter. However, Michael is pleasantly surprised that Farrah wants to berate Debra instead of him.
Farrah’s angry that Debra dared to play with Sophia during the kid’s photoshoot in the boutique.
“She, like, actively wanted to be IN the pictures!” Farrah says of her mother. “That’s just sad.”
Um…well how else is Deb gonna promote her rap album? I mean, duh, Farrah!
Later, Farrah is outside and Debra comes to chat. Things start out alright– Farrah is using her pretend “positive” voice as she tells her mom that she will permit the chat to happen. (She does not, however, look up from her phone at all.)
Deb wants to talk about what they learned in therapy, and is eager to make a plan to keep them from ripping each other’s plastic-coated faces off.
Deb mentions that her therapist recommended Farrah come to therapy too. That does it! Farrah puts down the phone and starts using her louder, snappier voice. (I like to call it the “Whatever Michael” voice.)
Farrah reminds Deb that she has her own therapist, thank you very much.
Seriously…the real money is in being a therapist in one of the states that a ‘Teen Mom’ star lives in. If you weren’t able to get knocked up at 16 and go on MTV, look into that career option if you’re looking to make a bundle of cash!
Anyway, Farrah’s in that stage of the conversation where her eyes are about to turn green and her head’s about to start spinning all the way around. She’s angry that her mom has dared to bring up therapy. She starts speaking very loudly (and very slowly), and Debra looks like she wants to hide behind the weird basket chair they’re sitting in.
“Doctors told me that I was fine and that I didn’t need therapy!” Deb protests.
Um…really? Now, Deb, were ya wearing just the crop top when you went to your appointment? Or the pleather pants too? That may have made the difference.
Farrah declares that she doesn’t need to deal with all of this crap anymore. She’s got businesses to run and her wedding to plan. (Oh…wait…) She tells her mother that she needs to be more positive when she interacts with her.
“I want to have a nice, peaceful vibe!” Farrah barks. “That’s my life moving forward!”
As per usual, Farrah’s barking quickly turns into an epic ugly cry. Her voice pitch goes up and the tears start flowing.
“You’re not helping!” Farrah screams.
Meanwhile, Amber is discussing her clothing boutique with her neighbors who are, obviously, the epitome of Indiana high fashion in their fedora and jean shirt. (Is that a “jirt?” Is that a thing? Can it be a thing?)
Amber explains that she and Matt are trying to “build businesses” to make all of the money. She wants to have something to fall back on when MTV finally realizes how ridiculous it is to have a show called ‘Teen Mom’ that stars girls who are almost 30. They also want to have enough money to be able to open up rehab centers. Matt contributes to the conversation by occasionally grunting.
That’s Haute!
Later, Amber is hoping that Gary will allow Leah to spend the night at her house, so that Amber can take the kid to school the next morning. She texts Gary to see if that’s OK.
Gary, however, is not thrilled with the idea. He says that Amber doesn’t exactly have Leah’s schooling at the forefront of her mind, and Gary worries that Leah will fall behind if she’s at Amber’s overnight.
Producer Kerthy, who’s sitting on the floor hiding behind a tree like some sort of forest troll, pops out to comment that it seems like Gary doesn’t trust Amber fully. Gary brings up that pesky Reunion fight Amber had with Farrah as an example of how Amber needs to mature before he can fully trust her.
“Your daughter is right there and you want to go out and swing at somebody?” Gary says of Amber. “Leah can watch it on the monitor just like anybody else.”
Over in Michigan, Cate and Ty are carving pumpkins and trying to get Nova to go near the pumpkin goop.
“Touch it!” Catelynn screams. “It’s not gross!”
Why do I have a feeling that she said the same thing to Tyler on the night Nova was conceived?
That night, Tyler and Catelynn meet up with Tyler’s mother Kim for dinner. Everyone is shoving barbecue nachos into their gullets as Tyler discusses jailbird Butch. Tyler zones out, and his mother notices that something is wrong. He says that they’ve “had a long couple of weeks” and says that Catelynn’s mental illness is making him feel bad and exhausted. He vows to go see his therapist.
Of course, we get to see his therapy session. Tyler is talking about how he has exhausted all of his strength on his dad and Catelynn, and now he’s just shutting down and being depressed.
He says that he doesn’t feel joy or satisfied and sometimes it’s because of Catelynn.
Back in Texas, it’s the day of Sophia’s store’s opening. Farrah is sashaying around the store, announcing that they’re about to cut the big red ribbon to open the store.
Sophia looks totally bored, as Farrah is shoving random kids out the door and encouraging them to look excited for the ribbon cutting. They use the big scissors (and by “they” I mean Farrah, of course) to cut the ribbon and Sophia looks like she wants a nap.
However, Debra looks like she’s in a tizzy, what with being around so many child-sized clothing options! It’s her dream come true!
Afterward, Sophia (who is sporting a cringe-worthy shirt that says “Born Famous” that we’ll almost certainly see Deb wearing on the next episode), says goodbye to her Grandpa Jerry, and later Debra.
In Tennessee, it’s Halloween night! Bentley’s all dressed up in his Thing 1 costume. Ryan, meanwhile, is telling Mackenzie why he missed trick-or-treating with Bentley last year.
Mackenzie reminds Ryan how important it is that he be on time, especially when his son is waiting on him. She vows that this year they will be on time.
Later that night, Jen and Larry show up to Maci’s house to join in on the trick-or-treating festivities. Ryan is not there, however. He is apparently caught in traffic and when Jen tells Bentley that his father is going to be late, Bentley is hardly surprised.
“He’s always late!” Bentley states.
Maci tells the gang that she’s not waiting around for Ryan to make an appearance. They start the candy hunting without Ryan. Eventually he arrives and legit tries to steal candy from one of Maci’s babies. Things end on a happy note, though, and Bentley seems to be enjoying having all of his family together.
Meanwhile, Gary texts Amber to let her know that he’s planning to pick Leah up that night. She’s upset and starts to cry because Gary makes her feel like a bad mom.
“And I can’t get stupid with him, because that’s not going to change anything,” Amber says. (Hey, say what you want but she has come a long way. The Amber from six years ago would have been running out to the driveway when Gary pulled up, armed with a bat!)
“She feels like she has no control and that’s an awful feeling for a parent,” Matt says.
Um…Matt, you need to have a seat there, bro. You’re probably the last person on earth, other than, say, Butch and April, who should be giving parenting advice.
We check back in one last time with Farrah. She’s having lunch with Michael, who thanks her for treating him halfway decent lately. She brings up what happened with Debra, and says that she gets angry just being around Debra. Farrah has decided to “take a break” from her mom completely.
Is it possible for us to take a break from Debra too? Just asking…
Farrah starts to cry because her family is so dysfunctional.
Well, yeah…can’t argue with that!
That’s it for this episode of ‘Teen Mom OG!’
To read The Ashley’s other recaps, click here!
(Photos: MTV)
37 Responses
I am pretty sure that Tyler’s therapy session was in a hotel room, strange right??
It’s painful to watch Farrah’s segments with her parents around her, literally all you can see is their feet hanging out of her over inflated ass, that’s how far they’re up there. Always letting her treat them like crap and talk down to them.
I used to feel sorry for them, but now they just give in to her anti Christ attitude.
Waiting patiently for the episode 17 recap; “we don’t have hate crimes,” you can’t make this stuff up!
Cate and Butch are like 70 % of Tyler’s problem and they don’t even realize it. This man spent his entire teens and now adult like parenting his wife and dad. You can tell he is emotionally exhausted and depressed. He was so checked out and over everything on Monday’s episode.
I wish I could give you two thumbs up. You hit the nail on the head 🙂
Oh how I missed these recaps!! Especially since I fast forward through most of this mess. The picture captions had me literally LOLing.
Not gonna lie….I actually really love Amber, but that picture of matt’s face in the recap with the caption was everything ???
Although I’ll always watch this show for whatever reason, some of these segments are just so forced. For example, the whole Cate and Ty depression issue is ridiculous. The reason they were so popular among fans is because they were so positive about their situation, even though they had drug addicted parents and lived in unstable environments all while going through the pain of placing their child up for adoption. Now they have money, a home, a lovely daughter and about every damn scene they appear dispirited. Tyler is so depressed about Cate’s depression that he can’t function properly which in turn puts Catelynn back into her glum state….give me a break. I realize they are not allowed to talk about Carly anymore but they are in need of a new story line because this one is so unbelievably cringe worthy.
I think their depression is legit. Money means nothing when you’re mentally unhealthy and sad. Tyler is depressed because he is stuck with her. He probably wants to leave but knows she would kill herself or hurt Nova if he did. I don’t think he is there because he loves her, I think he’s there because his daughter needs him. Kim even knows and sees Cate is a succubus that’s draining her son mentally.
I don’t understand why Gary is always shown as the bad guy. I wouldn’t trust Amber with my kid either. Say what you will about Gary (and there is a lot to say) but he does seem to take great care of Leah and has very valid concerns about Amber. And Matt just needs to stop. Worry about your own kids, bro.
Maci and especially Cate bore me. Farrah is certifiable and so are her parents. Poor Sophia is doomed to a similar fate. I feel really bad for that kid. She doesn’t stand a chance being surrounded by that much crazy.
I don’t get why Gary is seen as such a great guy cause ‘he took care of Leah’ while Amber was in jail.
He did not, remember?
He promissed Amber to wait for her and that they would be a family when she got out.
He let her rot and did not take Leah to see her after a while when he had found Christina.
His excuse to Amber: well, what was I supposed to do? I could not raise Leah by myself, I needed help. Best reason ever to start a relationship and father of the year!
Let’s face it, he needed Christina to take care of Leah and for sex. He was a total dick to Christina when she got pregnant, that wasn’t supposed to hapen at all. But Christina is wearing the pants at home now. She just sighs when he is nasty and manipulative to her and says ‘well, we’ll see’ and gets her way later.
Well in hindsight they didn’t need to get back together, at least before getting intense family therapy as well as individual therapy. I agree 100% that he only married Christina because he needed a mother figure for Leah. We all make choices, even horrible ones, but I don’t think Amber should be nailed to the cross for what she did, especially when it’s obvious she loves Leah and regrets past choices. Gary needs to realize that Christina is not Leah’s mom and that there will probably come a time where Leah will want her biological mom as a bigger role in her life. Gary masks his manipulation and selfishness under all that “Im doing this for Leah”
Right, and he doesn’t “do” squat. Everyone knows Christina is running that household and parenting Leah. Gary is a slug. Why Christina is with him is super confusing to me. She’s too pretty for him, and she’s far too mature for him.
No parent is perfect, not even Gary. Unless Amber is getting high, leaving Leah alone by herself, hurting her, or being unsafe with her, then I don’t think she should have to keep going through this with Gary. Has she ever gotten to have Leah overnight? If not, why does he think she won’t be responsible with her? Gary is full of shit. He wants to keep the upperhand because Leah is a great bargaining chip. I commend Gary for being there as mom and dad when Amber was off but, that’s not right to nail her to the cross for it for the rest of her life. It’s not like she’s Charlie Sheen or something.
Ryan, dude, really, maybe you should keep that dream to yourself or at least not talk about it in front of your GIRLFRIEND!! Maci should also stop complaining, there are so many people who would die to have three children “by surprise” but they can’t.
Dying @ saying Cate told the exact same thing to Tyler on the night Nova was conceived. It fits the whole “Tyler is gay!” rumor perfectly. Also he is a douche for always saying how HE feels and doesn’t care at all about Cate’s feelings.
Matt, take several seats. Why does he need to meddle in everything that’s none of his business?! I hate how the producer tried to make Gary look bad, he is A REAL PARENT and is concerned his young daughter will be sleepy in school!
Farrah and her fam-I don’t even have words for these people, they are all crazy.
I really wonder what maci and Taylors blood alcohol levels are during each day. Seems they have functional alcoholism they don’t even try to give the illusion of no alcohol by not drinking during a segment. Pathetic.
Farrah has a lot of deep issues and is horrible her entire family is horribLe but girl has work ethic and a hustle which is respectable when compared to her counterparts.
Amber just go to a freaking dentist they can give you non narcotic pain meds or you could just suck it up and deal with the pain. I don’t feel bad if I were Gary I wouldn’t give her anymore time than I legally had to. Gary is a good father.
Cate needs to get a job or be involved in some sort of fulfilling work. It would do a lot for her self esteem and depression. Tyler needs to fall off that pedistal he put himself on. He talks negatively about cate and blames her for everything but it takes 2 to tango.
I really hope they end this show so these people get dropped into reality.
Great recap and the captions- Had me LOL at my desk at work.
You can totally tell how Farrah is rubbing off on Sophia in the way she treats Deb. It’s sad. Farrah is the worst
Amber doesn’t know that “haute” means high in French. There is no fashion connotation when the word is used by itself as it is a very common adjective. So her store is just “Forever High”.
Lol – these girls trying to act intelligent and cultured. Kinda reminds me of Leah saying meow to her girls thinking it was French for I love you… ??
Omg did this actually happen!???!? Hahahaha
Haha- yes! I think it was shown during the unseen moments or one of the last after shows.
Let’s be real here…Leah is one of the dumbest girls in the entire franchise. Amber is second to her.
What?!?! Omg when was that?!?! Lmao.
Yes that was so funny???
Leah really is an idiot
Now all we need is Babs to lead Amber’s marketing campaign…
“For-evahhh HAUTE! HAUTE!”
“Haute! Haute! You’re all haute!” Lol
Ryan and Amber both look at least twice their age in those pictures!
Dying at the “bushel of oopsie babies” Hahahahah
Great recap!
Yes, an outstanding recap, well written and insightful to the ninth. Ashley has the gift.
At least now Am[bien] and Matt can have matching yuck mouths.
Charming.
Catelynn really needs to lose weight I think it would help with her depression and laziness. She has really let herself go she basically a slob. Both her and Tyler need jobs.
Maci is an alcoholic who drank while pregnant. who drops her “miracle babies” at Ryans parents or daycares, what’s funny is neither her nor Taylor have jobs their both extremely lazy.
Amber Is lazy without a job and is allowing an old pervert who was obsessed with teen mom drain all her money.
Farrah is a horror with a terror child, But unlike the other teen mom she has jobs and actually works which is refreshing on this show, because all of the other moms are jobless slobs.
Cate should do weight watchers again like she did a few years ago. She looked great.
Please please recap the 2nd episode, or at least Farrah’s riveting anti-hate crime afterschool special speech.
Farrah doesn’t know what hate crime means lol. It’s not a behavior, Boobraham, it’s a criminal offense ?
Uhhhhh you can buy any costume on Amazon….just a thought.
So wtf is up with Farrah’s inability to use pronouns? Has anyone noticed that she never says “you” or “me” it’s ALWYS “someone.” Perfect example is when Dr drew made that comment about strangling her and she got all pissy about it and when he finally confronted her about it she didnt say YOU threatened to strangle ME, she said SOMEONE threatened to strangle SOMEONE. That’s just one example but she does it almost every time she’s arguing with anyone. She always refers to herself and the other person as “someone”.
Had me in tears as usual. Ambers “skipper” getup was the highlight of the episode.