Since ABC is determined to kill us smut-TV-loving fans by making us watch four hours of this crap the last two weeks, The Ashley is going to recap as many episodes as she can. But, in the words of Juan Pablo when he was about to go into the Fantasy Suite with a girl… “Don’t expect miracles.”

Hour One of this horrorfest begins with our Paradisers preparing for the first Rose Ceremony. The problem is that none of the dudes are interested in the drama, tears and stank margarita breath that the current girls are selling. All the girls are hoping that some new, um, sausage will appear on the beach before they’re forced to give their roses to the current offering of gents.

“I have a rose,” Lacey declares. “These guys should be kissing my feet!”

Um…no one likes you, Lacey, and it’s because you say stuff like this.

Kristina and Dean were hot-and-heavy for a while (re: like two days) but it seems that may already be coming to an end. Dean is realizing that being twisty-tied to chick for the rest of ‘Paradise’ will mean that he won’t be getting to try out any other tail that comes along.

All of a sudden, Adam (the dude who thought it was a good idea to bring a creepy doll with him on Rachel‘s season of The Bachelorette) comes down the Steps of Shame. The guys from Rachel’s season are excited to see him. The girls are excited to see any new man at this point. Seriously, if the producers put Shrek in a pukka shell necklace and sent him into the game, half these chicks would probably be willing to go to second base with him.

Adam gets a date card, and all the girls are circling him like piranhas. Adam tells the guys that he’s interested in Raven, which pisses off Ben and Robby. The guys inform Adam that Raven is a hot commodity, and that he should probably pick another girl to “holler at.”

Adam then approaches Kristina, who tells him that despite her “relationship” with Dean, she’d be down to go on a date with him. Next, he pulls aside Raven, who is unsure if she wants to risk what she has with Ben to date a dude who uses the term “what’s the 411” unironically in conversations.

Apparently Raven met Adam while the ‘Paradisers’ were on hiatus, and he tells us that they are “vibing.” (Seriously did Adam read Millennial Diction for Dummies on the plane over here or something? WTF.)

The next morning, the gang is drinking a batch of Wells‘ poorly mixed margaritas chatting about the upcoming Rose Ceremony. The guys are basically circling their prey in hopes of finding a chick who is desperate enough to fall for their spiels and give them a rose.

Speaking of desperate, Little Alex is still convinced that Amanda has the hots for him, despite the fact that she literally rolls her eyes every time he approaches her.

It’s time for Adam to ask a girl out. He ends up asking Raven and she accepts. Ben and Robby are not happy.

Kristina is disappointed that she has, once again, been ditched. Why the hell are all the men going after Raven on a women’s rose week? They should be picking the girl that no one is looking at (hey, Lacey!), giving her a pity hump and securing their spot in Paradise for at least another week.

Kristina goes to wake Dean out of his hangover and/or coma. (Apparently he had too many fruit daiquiris the night before?) Dean is not showing a lot of interest in Kristina. The other guys say that Dean is not a guy a grown woman should go after.

That afternoon, Jasmine is chasing Matt around. You can’t help but be secondhand embarrassed for Jasmine, who seems to have no clue that Matt has little to no interest in her.

Meanwhile, Adam and Raven are Febreezing their nether regions to prepare for their date. Ben is evil-eying Adam as he takes “his girl” out. He secretly wishes diarrhea on Adam and hopes he and Raven have an awful time. Adam shouldn’t need an explosive amount of crap to ruin the date; his personality should do that on its own.

They sit down for a lunch and the waiter approaches them and you can just tell he’s trying to figure out the English phrase for, “Girl what the hell are you doing with him?”

They chat about Adam’s potential competition, and both express their desire to have a “Carly and Evan” type love. Um…Carly hated Evan for more of their season of Paradise. She puked after kissing him and avoided him until he faked his own creepy death. Let’s elevate our aspirations here a bit, guys.

Raven still has feelings for Ben, but she’s willing to give Adam a chance. They do some sweat-filled salsa dancing and return to the beach just in time for the Rose Ceremony. There are 12 guys and eight girls, which means four dudes are getting the old heave-ho.

“I feel so much pressure!” one guy tells us.

Um…that’s probably those nachos you ate that were sitting out in the sun for hours, bro.

The Rose Ceremony has been delayed so many times, and the girls are ready to give up some flowers (not in that way, sickos! Well… at least not yet, anyway.)

It’s pouring rain by the time the Rose Ceremony starts. The Paradisers begin to wonder if the Rose Ceremonies, like their love lives, are cursed. Chris Harrison shakes himself out of hammock nap long enough to explain the Rose Ceremony rules to the gang. Any guy who doesn’t get a rose has to go home brokenhearted.

The guys are swarming around Raven. She’s overrun with dudes, but still doesn’t know who to give her rose to. She makes out with Adam but is still thinking about Ben.

Robbie realizes that he has no hope with Raven, so bounces over to Amanda, who has been superseded by Raven as the Queen of Paradise. He’s all soggy and sweaty and starts to move in for the kiss, but Amanda shoots him down flat. (Perhaps she was having flashbacks to being mouth-mauled by the Almighty Sweat Machine, Josh Murray, last season?) She thanks him for his time, tells him how sweaty he is, and runs away.

Diggy, meanwhile, has basically made no progress with the ladies. (Um…maybe he should take off his goggles? Just sayin’…) He goes in for the kiss with Lacey and she responds because…well, beggars can’t be choosers.

Lil Alex is getting downright desperate. Amanda has straight-out told him he has no hope of getting her rose, so he’s slumming it with the less-popular girls.

“I’ll take a rose from anyone,” he says. “I’ll even take rose from Lacey.”

Ouch. Come on, dude. That’s cold. Especially coming from a guy who is about an hour away from sharing a sweaty cab ride with Iggy.

It’s finally time to give out some flowers.

Taylor gives her rose, of course, to Derek. It’s no surprise considering she’s been attached at the tongue with him since Day 1. Jasmine choose Matt, who accepts the rose because he just wants to stay to see what other hot piece of ass comes down the Steps of Shame next.

Raven goes next. She chooses Adam which is totally shocking. Ben is floored. Not only did he lose his girl, but he lost his girl to Adam.

Lacey chooses Diggy (and his goggles), while Alexis chooses Jack Stone. Danielle gives her rose to Ben, which is a relief to him. Danielle knows that Ben is a good guy, and she wants him to have another chance.

Kristina chooses Dean, despite their “relationship troubles” earlier in the week. Finally, it’s down to Amanda. She gives the final rose to Robby, sending “Santa” Nick, Lil Alex, Vinny and Iggy packing.

The boys are devastated to be going home so early in the game.

The remaining Paradisers toast to making it another week.

The next morning, a new person comes down the Steps of Shame. It’s Danielle L. from Nick’s season. (She’s affecitionatly called “D-Lo” by the cast but…I just can’t…)

You can almost here the guys’ private parts go “boooing-oiiing-oiing” (cartoon-style) as she walks in. All of the guys agree that Danielle is super hot, and all the girls are nervous that there’s a new A-grade gal in the mix who could potentially take their men.

Even Derek says that he’d be willing to throw his Paradise love story with Taylor aside to go to the boneyard with Danielle L.

Danielle L. isn’t sure what she wants to do, so she approaches the men to discuss her date. She chooses Ben first, and he gives her the run-down on all the relationships. She grabs her date card and reads it to everyone, as all the guys stare at her ample bosom listen intently.

She asks Dean to accompany her on the date, and Kristina looks heartbroken. Dean accepts automatically, which hurts Kristina even more. She retreats to her hut to cry and/or plot Dean’s death.

All of a sudden, Dean resurfaces to talk to Kristina about him going out with Danielle L. He tells her he feels bad for accepting the date but…he’s still gonna do it, of course.

Danielle L. and Dean go ride ATVs…er…ATV. (Apparently they could only shell out enough cash to rent more than one of these things?) Afterward, Dean is his normal awkward self, but Danielle can look past his bad personality because of his purty face.

Dean, Danielle L. (and her horrific ripped jeans) return from their date, and they regale the gang with tales of their romantic ATV encounter. Kristina is not down to hear about how great their day was, but Dean still tries to talk to her. The other guys tell Dean not to feel bad for accepting Danielle L.’s date because, well, boobs.

“You did what any guy would do,” Diggy says. “Say yes to the dress.”

Wait…what?! See, Diggy, this is why you have no dates.

Dean later tells Kristina that his date with Danielle L. wasn’t really romantic…except for a “little peck.” You’ve got to give it to Dean, though…at least he’s being honest that he’s kind of a tool. Somehow, though, he manages to work himself back into Kristina’s good graces.

Later that night, the gang meets on the beach for a bonfire. They’re playing games (such as passing a playing card via their sweaty foreheads…as you do), and Dean is cuddling up to Kristina.

Out of nowhere, Dean gets up and comes back with a random cake to celebrate…Danielle L.’s half birthday.

Wait…what?! Half birthday bro? Really?! You know a math-savvy producer figured this out and came up with this sceme to cause a ruckus.

Kristina looks like she wants to jab her smores spear into Dean’s perfectly formed cheekbones. Alexis is getting angry and vows to slap the bejesus out of Dean at a later date. Kristina is puzzled as to why Dean went out of his way to give Danielle L. extra attention, right in front of her. Kristina storms off.

Next episode, Dean is torn between Kristina and Danielle L., and two new girls enter Paradise and break up a bunch of the relationships.

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(Photos: ABC)