Note from The Ashley: This season of ‘Vanderpump Rules’ will be recapped by The Ashley’s ‘Pump’ expert, Chelsea!

The wait is finally over! Vanderpump Rules is back and serving up moderately priced cuisine with a generous helping of drama and a side of cringe. (Let’s be honest… this season is the palette cleanser we all need and deserve after Jax and Brittany’s Kentucky fried whatever-the-hell-that-was spin-off.)

Throw on your handkerchief serving dress and let’s dive right in!

This season starts off two days before Scheana’s masquerade birthday party… that she’s, of course, throwing for herself. The almost-birthday-girl and the remaining cast mates still SURving time at the restaurant are slinging drinks and fried goat cheese balls while pretending SUR patrons don’t know who they are.

Lisa “HBIC” Vanderpump is in the haus to check up on things, while Sandoval is behind the bar teaching Jax how to make drinks, despite the fact that he’s been “bartending” for well over a decade. Lisa stops by the bar to ask Jax how things are going and he wastes no time in proudly telling her that he and Brittany have been together for two whole years now. Naturally Lisa doubts Jax’s fidelity but he’s standing by his claims.

Jax tells Lisa that he and Brittany have been doing much better since their time on the farm… and then Bravo forces us against our will to watch clips of that experience, featuring Jax in all of his misogynistic glory.

Just when we start thinking Jax can’t get any worse and may have actually improved as a boyfriend/human being in general (spoiler: he hasn’t), he “compliments” Brittany’s gym efforts during his interview commentary.

“She’s finally been getting off the couch,” he says. “We’re going to the gym, not keeping Postmates in business.”

As much as we’d like to hate on Jax for his comments, the magician’s coat he’s rocking in this season’s interviews is punishment enough for him. For now, anyway…

Over in the kitchen, Scheana shows Brittany a picture of the princess ballgown she’ll be rocking at her party and brags about her new boyfriend, Rob. Scheana tells viewers that she and Rob dated on and off from 2006 to 2010 and took a six year break, during which she dated/married/divorced/publicly dissed her ex-husband, Shay. Scheana says she wouldn’t be dating so soon if it was anyone other than Rob and now she’s just waiting for her divorce certificate so she can get married again.

Sounds like solid plan!

Next we find out from Lisa that plans for TomTom — her and Ken’s bar collaboration with Sandoval and Schwartz — are moving forward. Lisa says the guys seem excited but Schwartz is a little overwhelmed. The Toms were asked by Lisa and Ken to each throw in $100k for the business, which Sandoval says won’t be too hard being that he and Ariana are still shacking up in his rent-controlled apartment, electrical shortages and all.

Speaking of short, back at the other bar we check in with Ariana and her newly chopped bob, which she says Sandoval fully approves of.

“Tom is obsessed with my new haircut,” she says. “I’m pretty sure he told me he’s masturbated to it like four or five times… so good luck to my vagina.”

What the hell are we watching? Seriously…

Scheana comes over to talk with Ariana (and her penis-enhancing bob) about her upcoming birthday and the fact that she’s avoiding Katie due to her tendency to “rage text.”

Scheana starts to tell Ariana that with Katie and Stassi out of her life recently, things have been better… but her gossip sesh is interrupted when Katie walks up to the bar to drop off a drink order. What are the chances that one of Katie’s customers would need another Jack and Coke precisely at the time Scheana was talking crap on her?! How convenient!

Scheana decides this is the perfect time to tell Katie she’s not invited to her birthday party because she doesn’t want any drama (aka anything that will take the focus off of her and her birthday for a single second). Katie seems blindsided and also secondhand embarrassed that a grown woman would actually take the time to tell someone they’re not invited to a birthday party.

No goodie bag for you either, Katie!

Katie tells Scheana she’s a little confused as to how they went from being close friends (and Scheana being a bridesmaid in Katie and Schwartz’s wedding) to Scheana now hating her. Despite the confusion, Katie says she’s mourned the loss of her and Scheana’s friendship and isn’t too bummed about missing out on the upcoming shindig or the chance to hear Scheana Shay songs played on loop all night long.

As things are wrapping up for the night at SUR, Sandoval and Ariana talk about the Toms’ meeting with Lisa and Ken the following day to look at the TomTom site. Sandoval says he’s nervous that Lisa and Ken will run the show and just throw the Toms’ names on the place.

Ariana tries to pump him up, reminding him that he’s done his homework on the business, which leads Sandoval to tell viewers about a “research trip” he and Schwartz took to Colorado in an attempt to learn how to work marijuana into alcohol…or something.

“I thought they were going to tell me how you could put THC into drinks in a way where it’s legal, but… you can’t,” Sandoval dejectedly states.

Sandoval goes on about Lisa’s huge demands to Ariana, all with Lisa and Ken within earshot, “unbeknownst” to him. Once Sandoval realizes the boss is near (we assumed they could just sense her presence at this point?) he shuts up but is worried that the damage is done.

Lisa notes the good opportunity that Sandoval has been given and the fact that it can be taken away quicker than Kristen’s job following the whole “Suck a D**K” debacle of Season 3.

The next day, Katie visits Stassi to hang out/install her A/C window unit. The girls blend up some margaritas and Katie spills the tea on Scheana’s party diss, which Stassi doesn’t seem too concerned about missing out on either.

Stassi tells Katie that she and Patrick are back together after a seven month break and Katie says she hopes their relationship is different than before. Stassi seems hopeful this go-around and tells Katie that sex with Patrick is better than ever, so much in fact, that she’s entertaining the idea of anal.

SERIOUSLY GUYS WHAT THE HELL ARE WE WATCHING!?!

From a discussion about a**holes to a check-in with a hopefully reformed one… We next visit with James who appears to no longer be in that living-room corner/room divider/Union Jack flag situation he used to reside in.

James proposes a toast with his “best mate Logan” to celebrate his girlfriend Raquel’s arrival from college. As the mates are baking cookies together and tickling/play fighting with each other (??), James tells us Logan is a good friend because he’s into guys, therefore he proposes no threat to James’ game. Raquel arrives to some sad balloons and a paper towel welcome banner and James dismisses his best mate without even throwing him a cookie for the road.

Over at TomTom, Sandoval and Schwartz check things out before Lisa and Ken arrive. Sandoval passionately tells Schwartz his vision for the bar, which includes “sexy TVs” and nostalgia — the latter of which, he can’t pronounce. In the middle of his verbal vision board speech, Sandoval sneaks in the details of the SUR mishap from the previous night but before the Toms can discuss it, Lisa and Ken arrive.

Sandoval doesn’t hold his opinions as Lisa and Ken tell the Toms what’s going on architecturally and permit-wise. Lisa sarcastically says she doesn’t know how she and Ken have built a restaurant empire without the help of Sandoval, but Sandoval maintains that his money is on the line and he should be looked at as a partner not an employee.

Oh, you foolish, foolish boy…

Lisa reminds them that she and Ken have the money to carry this project out, and that they only reached out to the Toms to offer them an opportunity. She then segues into what she and Ken overheard the night before at SUR. Lisa tells the Toms that Sandoval’s negative comments have her rethinking everything.

As Jax and Brittany are getting ready for Scheana’s party, Brittany feels the need to state the obvious and tell us that dating Jax is complicated because he has multiple personalities. Brittany makes him promise no more mess-ups going forward and he hesitantly agrees.

Down the hall at Katie and Schwartz’s — as in literally down the hall because the couples are now neighbors — Schwartz is getting ready for the party while avoiding mentioning the TomTom hiccup to Katie. Stassi comes over so she can keep Katie company that night while Schwartz is at Scheanapalooza and Jax busts in shortly after to snag a beer and some rotisserie chicken.

The four sit down together and Jax questions the stability of Stassi and Patrick’s relationship. (Oh, the irony!) The girls then joke about the guys making Scheana exclusively take photos on her “bad side” all night, noting that it’s her worst nightmare.

Over at Scheana’s, the birthday girl is getting ready for her big night and fully embracing her Shay-less home which is now free of negative energy and the abundance of giant canvas wedding photos that used to line the walls.

Rob arrives while Scheana is getting ready in her master bedroom-turned-closet and Scheana tells viewers everything about her new boyfriend is “bigger and better.”

She’s obviously not holding back on the Shay shade this season.

As the other couples get ready, we head to Ariana and Sandoval’s to find Sandoval putting on a puffy shirt that gives us major Seinfeld vibes.

Ariana tells Sandoval he looks like General George Washington’s gay friend and, with that stamp of approval, Sandoval shifts the conversation to a more serious matter: a rumor that Jax has been sleeping with Faith. (‘Member her? She’s the former SUR server that “dated” Lisa’s son, Max?)

Ariana tells Sandoval if he doesn’t talk to Jax about the rumor, she’s taking it to Brittany because she can’t keep this from her.

After giving the “420” password at the party venue, [insert eye roll here], the group makes it way inside. Once Scheana and Rob arrive, Kristen greets them and tells viewers that even though she likes Rob, she thinks Scheana is trying too hard to look for another husband.

Ken and Lisa also stop by the party and Scheana introduces them to Rob. Lisa warns Rob that he better treat Scheana right, to which Scheana tells Lisa this is all she’s wanted for the last 10 years. Lisa tells her she can’t say that, given that she was married to someone else, but Scheana maintains that her marriage with Shay “didn’t feel right.”

Lisa tells her not to minimize what she had and says Scheana needs to slow down.

In the crowd we see Faith compliment Brittany on her masquerade attire and tell her and Jax that if there’s an afterparty, she wants an invite. During their exchange, Jax seems completely unfazed by Faith’s presence and continues doing some sort of variation of the robot.

Shortly after seeing Jax and Brittany talk about kids and marriage, Sandoval takes Jax aside to ask him about the rumor going around.

Meanwhile, Faith is upset and James attempts to comfort her. Faith tells James she’s hesitant to tell him anything because he’s so close with Jax now, but she ultimately confesses that Jax reached out to her wanting to hang out and they ended up hooking up while Faith was caring for a 95-year-old woman…as you do. (Safe to say she won’t be using that individual as a future job reference .)

Faith details the alleged toe-sucking rendezvous that went down while Jax is on the other side of the party denying the whole thing to Sandoval.

Faith also drops a bombshell that she might be pregnant with the spawn of Jax Taylor (!!!) which nearly sends James into a panic attack at the thought of his former nemesis reproducing.

The rumor eventually makes it way to Brittany and she starts to panic. Brittany asks Schwartz if he knows anything about it and he tells her if it were true he’d cover for Jax but he really doesn’t think it happened. Good one, Schwartz.

Jax confronts Faith in an effort to clear his name but she stands by story and accuses him of being the one that’s lying. He then makes his way to an emotional Brittany who is also accusing him of not being honest. Jax says he’s being set up and that if he were to hook up with someone, it wouldn’t be someone in their circle.

Yeah, because Jax would never do something like that… would he, Kristen?

Brittany says if the rumors are true, she’s taking the dogs (no, we don’t mean Jax) and leaving Jax to “rot in hell.”

Until next time!

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(Photos: Bravo)