Well, kids, we’ve come to end of another swell season of Sister Wives. As per usual, they ended the season with a two-part “Tell All” episode. However, unlike all the previous “Tell All” episodes (that essentially “told nothing”) last week’s episode was KILLIN’ IT in the drama department!

On the first part of the “Tell All” we watched as Kody basically told the world that he had no desire to go to Bone City with his wife Meri anymore, and, no matter how many times they go see that counselor who gives them the Multi-Wife discount, his mind probably isn’t going to change.

Part 2 of the Tell All starts out with Kody and all the sister wives talking about their daughter Mykelti’s wedding. (Apparently they’ve decided to refrain from chatting about Meri’s dusty loins for the time being.)

The host asks the group what they think of Mykelti’s husband—the non-mannered and always hungry for real steak tacos Tony (who, by the way, is Mexican). Some of the sister wives state that Tony brings “personality, excitement and pizzazz” to their family. (Um…is that code for ‘He’s an obnoxious pain in the ass that sometimes does jazz hands’?)

Everyone says that their previous reservations about Mykelti marrying Tony were because they felt Mykelti was too immature to get hitched…not because they felt that Tony was a rude, unappreciative and demanding clown.

Sure, Jan…

Robyn said the family soon figured out that Tony was Mykelti’s destiny. She must have been very naughty in a past lifetime.

We flashback to Tony and Mykelti planning their wedding. Kudos to the editors for including the scene at the country club in which Tony legit pushes Mykelti out of the way at the table and barks that he wants to sit in the chair she’s pulled out (for herself…mind you.)

To recap: piñatas, 4,000 street tacos, Frisbees flying and Tony in a sweaty dress shirt from JC Penny throwing poor Mykelti around during their first dance. That’s all we need to really remember from this Wedding ‘o’ Horrors.

They move things right along, and soon they stumble on the topic of Kody once again being the groom in the sweaty JC Penny dress shirt. The host asks if anyone in the family would be open to Kody taking on more wives.

Christine says no, while Janelle says maybe. Robyn said she’s open to God’s plans (while making it fairly obvious that Wife No. 5 would get the beJesus swatted out of her if she tried to pry that “legal wife” marriage license from Robyn’s cold mitts!) Meri could barely be bothered to answer the question, but finally stated that she didn’t see Kody ever taking another wife. (Honestly, it’s already a miracle there were four women willing to marry him.)

Kody says it’s unlikely that he’d get a fifth wife, citing the fact that he’s 50 years old and would not be taking another wife in order to have more children. (Ol’ Robyn can still churn out a few more should he feel the need to further spread his seed.) He makes sure to let everyone know that there are plenty of women who want to marry him though.

Next, Kody and the sister wives discuss Meri’s trip to Seattle with Mariah and Audrey. The trip included Mariah basically blackmailing her mom into going to a gay bar with them. Meri tells the host that, not only was that her first time at a gay bar, but at a bar period. The rest of the sister wives chime in to reveal that they’ve never been inside a bar either.

The sister wives all discuss how it would be fun to have the experience of going to a bar, even though they don’t really drink. They discuss the environment, and meeting up with new people there.

Kody, looking so absolutely smug that it makes you want to grab him by the man-pony and smack him, speaks out, telling everyone in the room, “Frankly, I get hit on a lot.”

Yes, Kody, I’m sure the ladies are beating your door down with piñata sticks to get to your SideShow Bob-lookin’ ass. COME.ON.

This may be the best scene of the season, simply because Meri legit looks like she is having a hard time keeping her street taco lunch down after Kody says this.

After that, they cart the adults off the stage and bring out the Brown family “Young Adults.” Thanks to her scoliosis plotline, Ysabel has managed to work her way up from “Background Kid” so she joins her siblings on the stage for the first time. They’ve also wheeled out Logan, Maddie, Caleb, Mykelti, Tony (who’s Mexican, BTW), Paedon (‘member him?), Mariah, Audrey and Aspyn for the occasion.

Mariah talks about how nice it was for her mom and Janelle to accompany her to the women’s march, despite the fact that they want to claw each other’s eyes out on the regular. (I still say they’d get better ratings if they skipped the “Tell All” season-ending episode and just did a “Polygamy Showdown” and let Meri and Janelle box it out, while Christine shrieks her way through “Let Me Call You Sweetheart” in the background. #RatingsGold.)

The host seems surprised that Mariah asked Meri and Janelle to go, and we watch a clip of Meri telling the camera that she’d basically agree to drink raw sewage if it means Mariah likes her again. (Meri saying she’d be willing to do anything Mariah asked her to do gets a real creepy smug smile out of Mariah.)

Mariah explains that she asked Janelle to attend because Janelle was the first feminist she ever saw in her life.

“She’s always been kind of empowered. I just remember being a kid and seeing her having a family and a career. I’ve always just been very inspired by her,” Mariah said.

Next, the host asks the kids how they felt about the march in Utah that Kody & Co. tried to strong-arm them into going to. The march, which was to protest against an anti-polygamy law being passed in Utah, was attended by Kody and most of the sister wives and some of their kids.

We are treated to a flashback of Paedon refusing to go to Utah to march. (Perhaps the thought of being in the car with Kody and Christine for a few hours sent shivers down his spine?)

Paedon said it was easy for him to say no but it was hard for him to get Kody and Christine to understand why he didn’t want to go. (Paedon, bro, you’re going to have to explain things much better than that if you want to keep your “On-Camera Kid” status. Keep this crap up and you’ll be off-camera faster than you can say “Background Kid!”)

With all the protest talk out of the way, we next turn to how married life is treating Mykelti and Tony.

The host asks Tony how he is getting along with his new in-laws but what she should be asking is… what in the hell happened to Mykelti’s hair?! Either homegirl ordered really, really bad clip-on bangs from one of those Instagram companies, or she let Truely take kitchen scissors to her damn head.

Tony says that being married can be hard (which is, of course, understandable considering those bangs), but that things are going well for him and Mykelti. He talks about his relationship with each of the sister wives, regaling the group of the playful relationships he has with Robyn and Christine and the “business partner” relationship he has with Janelle. (Um…??)

When it comes to Meri, Tony describes their relationship as, “it’s like…um, hi.”

So, basically Tony has the exact same relationships with the sister wives that Kody does.

Next we move on to the topic of the bloody bathtub birth of Maddie’s son, Axel. We find out that Maddie was in labor for five days. We get to watch clips of Maddie screaming in agony as she shoots Kody’s first grandchild into the world. (We also get to relive Kody bragging about his baby-birthing knowledge in his laboring daughter’s face.) Maddie says that this is the first time she’s watched the footage.

Tony, who is, of course, the “Kody” of the new generation due to his obnoxious personality and ability to say irritating things at a moments’ notice, offers his opinion on the whole baby-birthing process.

“That looks rough,” Tony says with a far-off look in his eye. (He’s probably thinking back to his wedding night, when he plowed through 85 street tacos and had to suffer through the birthing-like process that occurred in the bathroom of his honeymoon suite.)

Mykelti says that she and Tony aren’t planning on having kids for a while. (I’m sure Tony is enough of a handful on his own.)

 

They hustle the Brown kids off the stage so they can bring back Kody and the sister wives. It’s time to get back to the topic on everyone’s mind: the decaying carcass that is Meri and Kody’s marriage.

Once again, the host ain’t playin’! She goes right in, asking the tough questions that their Polygamy Therapist Nancy has probably taken 16 sessions to croak out. The host straight-out asks the group if they think that Meri and Kody should just throw in the towel on this sad skeleton of a marriage.

Everyone states that the marriage is worth fighting for, and Meri seems genuinely surprised to hear her sister wives say this.

“I want to make it work, but I don’t know how,” Kody says.

The host tries to get them to agree to go away together for a weekend, but Kody says it “doesn’t feel safe.”

What is he afraid of? Does he think Meri will cut his man-pony off in his sleep?!

Meri says she is tired of trying to force the relationship, and Kody keeps making sure to let everyone know that his marriage to Meri is “platonic.” Meri looks totally annoyed that her “husband” is informing everyone that she’s not getting any.

The host asks Kody what caused their marriage to hit a rough patch and Kody gets defensive and says he won’t discuss that on-camera. The host rephrases the question, asking instead if there was one incident that caused the breakdown of the marriage. We can almost see Meri chomping at the bit, dying to scream “I WAS CATFISHED!” but Kody denies it was “one” incident that soured him on Meri.

Meri tells Kody that “the ball is in his court.” He looks like he legit wants to hit Meri in the face with a ball for saying that.

The other sister wives reflect on how crappy Kody and Meri’s marriage makes things in the Cul-de-Sac of Broken Dreams.

“It just sucks,” Robyn says, adding that she and the other sister wives have to try to keep their trap shuts about the situation so it doesn’t look like they’re taking sides.

“It’s hard to see two broken hearts,” Christine says. “There are broken hearts involved.”

Kody is still feeling rather sassy toward the host, so he snaps back at her suggestion from earlier about him taking Meri on a romantic weekend getaway.

“We dug this whole for 25 years,” he tells her smugly. “It’s not something we’re going to fix with a weekend getaway.”

The tell-all ends with Kody and Meri saying that they still have hope for their marriage. Sadly, it doesn’t end how we all want it to end: with Meri ripping off her mic, throwing it at Kody’s rattail and telling her “husband” and sister wives to kiss off.

Oh, well, maybe next season?

That’s it for this season of ‘Sister Wives!’ To read our previous recaps from this season, click here!

(Photos: TLC)