Well ding-dang-it! The Ashley has really sucked at doing Teen Mom 2 recaps this season. (You can thank the ‘Teen Mom’ gang for that! They’ve been keeping The Ashley way too busy, making her report on their various hi-jinks and shenanigans, and leaving her no time to poke fun at what they do on the actual show.)

Anyway, because this is a Very Special Episode of ‘Teen Mom 2’ (i.e. it involves at least two people getting their bodies cut open by Dr. Miami, and at least one creepy story about burying things), The Ashley has decided she needs to recap this mess. (It’s an episode late, but, hey…that’s how things go.) 

Let’s get started before one of these clowns knocks over a 7-11 and/or finds themselves impregnated and The Ashley has to stop and write about it!

We kick things off in Florida, where Briana is trying to figure out who is going to wipe her soon-to-be nipped-and-tucked butt after she lets Dr. Miami take the hacksaw to her body. While Bri is thrilled that her butt will finally be able to fit through her apartment’s front door without her having to turn sideways, she’s scared that there will be no one to take care of her post-surgery.

To ensure she’s not left alone, Bri has called in her ex-boyfriend Dre to serve as her nursemaid. Although Briana is going to have this poor schmuck wipe her butt and, like, drain crap from her various wounds, she still wants to impress him so she’s gotten her “lashes done” for the occasion.

Just because your muscles are literally spilling out of your torso, that’s no reason not to look good!

Briana explains that she’s not getting a full tummy tuck; she’s only getting a mini tummy tuck. (Perhaps she has to log a few more seasons of ‘Teen Mom 2’ before the doc will comp a full tuck?)

Briana’s mother Roxanne doesn’t like that her daughter is getting more plastic surgery, given that Bri’s had at least five procedures done in the last few years. Briana assures her that she knows what she’s doing.

“I get to keep my same belly button!” Bri exclaims. “I learned it! I did my research!”

What could go wrong? I mean, SHE GETS TO KEEP HER SAME BELLY BUTTON, Y’ALL!

Roxanne is none-too-thrilled when she learns that Briana’s boyfriend/thing Javi is not coming to help wipe her stapled butt for her after surgery. Briana says she told Javi not to come because she has “dismissed” him.

Even Roxanne notices how quickly Briana kicks men to the curb. She advises Briana not to dismiss men so quickly (especially men with military benefits that could help elevate the entire DeJesus Coven!)

Briana explains that she booted Javi because he dared to go on his ex-wife Kail’s podcast and talk about her.

“Him going on the podcast was the cherry on the cake for me,” Briana says. (UM?) “We’re not together no more.”

Briana says that Javi was wrong to go run to his ex to get attention right after they broke up. She then proceeds to call up her ex, Dre to make sure he’s still going to be there to pay attention to her.

Next, we swing over to South Dakota where Chelsea is hanging out with Other Chelsey. She tells Other Chelsey that she is officially past the 12-week mark in her pregnancy.

“We’re just makin’ babies…makin’ babies on the reg!” Chelsea tells her friend.

Do people actually speak like this, un-ironically?!

Chelsea also mentions that the next day is the father/daughter dance. She and Aubree have already given up any hope that Aubree’s real dad Adam will actually roll off whatever scab-pickin’ friend’s couch he is currently living on and take his daughter to the dance.

“It’s like the first year we’re not wondering if he’s coming, since he’s not allowed with the new court order,” Chelsea says, adding that Aubree recently told her she “doesn’t even think about” her dad not coming anymore.

Luckily, Cole exists and is thrilled to be able to take Aubree to her dance.

Speaking of Cole, he’s out on the town, getting all spiffy for the dance. He’s getting his hair cut, buying Aubree flowers (at the “Flowerama,” none the less!)

Meanwhile, in West Virginia, Jeremy and Leah are over the holler’s Party Shop, buying supplies to throw Addie’s birthday party together. (They won’t need much to make the kid happy—just a couple of boxes of Sweet ‘n’ Low packets, and maybe a gallon or so of Pillsbury’s best cupcake frosting.)

Leah says this is the first time she and Jeremy have thrown Addie’s birthday party together since their divorce. Now that they’re touching no-no’s again, they are able to do things like this!

Leah’s not sure how many balloons they’ve “got” (because she’s not much for The Countin’ and whatnot) so they just buy a pile of balloon weights and hope that Addie doesn’t float her way over the holler because they didn’t buy enough ding-dang weights!

Later, Jerm and Leah take the kids to Addie’s party, which is being held at the trampoline park.

Jeremy says he can’t jump because “he won’t be able to walk tomorrow.”

Leah’s probably hoping she won’t be able to walk tomorrow, too…but it won’t be from jumping on the trampolines, y’all!

The kids are busy jumpin’ and wrestlin’ about, while Jerm and Leah survey their surroundings. With all the sweaty kids in there, the stench is almost coming through our TVs.

“This is the best birth control in the world!” Jeremy says.

It’s funny. That’s how I feel about watching this show.

Jeremy and Leah have even teamed up and purchased Addie’s birthday gift together. It’s one of those hoverboard things (or, as The Ashley likes to call it, “a co-pay waiting to happen!”) Hey, at least Jerm and Leah can bone in the linen closet of the hospital while they wait for Addie to get out of traction!

Jeremy and Leah discuss how happy Addie seems to have both her parents at her party. Soon, though, Jeremy puts a damper on the festivities when he announces that he has to go up to Pennsylvania for work, and he doesn’t know when he will be back.

Meanwhile, in Delaware, Kail is getting along better with Javi, now that he’s ditched Briana (or…so we think…)

Kail agrees to come to Javi’s to stay with Lincoln so Javi can go work out. As soon as Kail arrives, Lincoln squeals on his Papi, revealing that Javi has already worked out once today. So, either Javi is really, really working on his fitness (like, Nathan-style!), or he’s up to no good…

Javi grabs his gym bag and leaves, and Kail refrains from looting crap from Javi’s drawers, despite having the urge to do so.

I think that’s nice…

Later, Kail calls up Leah (#crossovermoment) to discuss their upcoming trip to Atlanta, where Leah is going to appear on Kail’s podcast. Kail also brings up her upcoming trip to Hawaii, and invites Leah to tag along.

Leah immediately accepts the invite, despite the fact that the trip is in “a few weeks.” If Jerm is going to be working in Pennsylvania, and Leah’s going to be hula-ing in Hawaii, who is going to make sure Addie gets her daily intake of imitation butter product?!

Over in Florida, Dr. Miami is busy firing up the butt vacuum and sharpening his carving tools because Briana and her pal “Shirley” (whom I still believe is using an alias because no one under 70 is actually named Shirley) are about to go down there to get their surgeries.

(How the hell is “Shirley” paying for her butt inflation? I mean, I’m sure Bri’s was comped because she’s on a TV show, but how did “Shirley” get in on the act? Does Dr. Miami offer a “buy one revamped butt, get one free” sort of special for the poor friends of C-list reality stars? These are the questions The Ashley needs answers to!)

Anyway, Javi apparently found out that Dre was sliding into Bri’s DMs (as well as her torn-open stomach to put the drainage pump in), and he was not happy. Briana is, of course, relishing in the fact that at least two of her exes want to help change her butt bandages and whatnot. She tells “Shirley” all about her convo with Javi.

Javi says it was “disrespectful” of Briana to call in Dre to be her surgery manservant.

“Javi said, ‘I don’t want nobody wipin’ my girl’s ass or takin’ my girl a bath,’” Briana says.

Wait…what? I may need a translator. Again, do people really speak like this, un-ironically?

Briana says she reminded Javi that they are no longer together, so any man she wants can take her a bath.

When Briana gets home later that night, she finds the apartment bustling with excitement!  Devoin has randomly popped over to “visit his daughter.” Roxanne exclaims that they’ve got it all figured out: Devoin is going to stay in the Dejesus Apartment and “help out” while Briana is getting her butt carved up.

Briana isn’t thrilled with the idea.

“You work? Where at?” Briana asks Devoin, all while Roxanne is screaming “Yeah he works!”

Devoin tells Briana that it’s “not an issue” where he works.

So…. he’s selling things he finds in the apartment complex dumpsters for cash or…?

Also, since when did Roxanne become such a Devoin fan? Wasn’t this the same dude she threw a vase at and tried to beat the BeJesus out of with a red high heel?

Briana instructs Devoin exactly how to keep their daughter alive while she’s gone. She tells him to feed her, read a book to her (surely he can ask someone in the complex for help with that), and to give her a nightly snack. He will also be responsible for making sure Nova brushes her teeth.

“That’s about it,” Briana says.

Who knew it was so easy to be a parent?! Maybe that’s why the ‘Teen Mom’ girls keep shooting out kids!

It’s finally the night that Bri and “Shirley” are leaving for Miami. Briana tells her family that “Shirley” is going first. If she doesn’t contract any sort of staph infection, Briana will get down on the table and have her body carved on too.

Father of the Year Devoin has already cancelled out on coming over that night to help with Nova. He says he doesn’t have a ride over, and it’s too cold to take the bus. Briana doesn’t seem surprised by her automobile-challenged baby daddy has flaked out again.

“Shirley” arrives and Briana gets ready to leave. She kisses her daughter goodbye.

Next, Roxanne bids Briana farewell…via a long, noisy on-the-lips kiss. This is not just a motherly peck goodbye, noooooo. Roxanne is moaning and holding her daughter’s lips to hers, savoring the moment (and the saliva.)

It’s absolutely creepy and disturbing…and, as The Ashley previously said, the kiss lasted longer than Briana’s relationship with Javi.

Finally, Briana breaks free (gotta save some spit for Dre to pay him for his nursing services!) and scoots out of the apartment, clutching her butt pillow (as you do). I hope Dre likes the flavor of Roxanne’s lip gloss!

On the drive down to Miami, Briana tells “Shirley” that Javi is texting her, asking to come down to help wipe her new-and-improved booty for her.

“He must feel some type of way about Dre coming!” ‘Shirley’ says.

“I was like, ‘You’re desperate. Leave me alone,’” Briana says.

Javi basically agreed with Briana that he is desperate and didn’t seem to understand that Briana didn’t want him to come to Miami. Briana is worried that Javi will “pop up” when Dre is there.

Don’t ya hate it when two of your exes show up at the same time to help drain your wounds?!

The next day, “Shirley” goes under the knife. Briana is at the doctor’s office waiting for her when who do you think strolls in?

It’s Javi…and he’s come bearing some sort of coffee treat as a way to get back into Bri’s good graces. Unfortunately for Javi, no amount of Frappuccino is going to make Briana happy to see him. She tells him she doesn’t want to talk to him, and Javi begs for a hug, which Bri rejects. (We don’t get to see this happen on screen, but we do hear the audio, luckily.)

Briana threatens to “smack the s**t out” of Javi. As you do.

In South Dakota, Chelsea is curling Aubree’s hair. She jokes that she’s going to crash Aubree and Cole’s date and wear a mustache so she looks like a boy. Sadly, if there was no Cole in the picture, that’s probably what would be happening right about now…

Aubree is ready and Cole makes a big fuss out of how beautiful she looks. (Heart=melting). They head off to the dance, and Cole and Aubree come back a few hours later, with Cole still wearing his glow necklace from the Daddy/Daughter Rave they just attended.

Meanwhile, things are getting crazy on The Land. Jenelle is tasked with holding her baby AND mixing her formula. She somehow manages to accomplish this and congratulates herself for being a “multi-tasking mama.”

Later,  Jenelle and her friend Jamie are exploring the swamp. Jenelle is all excited because some sort of weeds are growing out of the murky swamp water, and they look like flowers.

She tells Jamie that Barb is letting her take Jace to therapy alone, which makes her happy because that way Barb won’t be there to bring “a negative vibe.”

Jenelle tells Jamie that Jace will be allowed to decide where he wants to live when he turns 10. Jenelle says she’s not going to push Jace either way when he makes his decision.

Over in Atlanta, Kail and Leah have met up to film for the podcast. Can The Ashley just say that she is loving this crossover storyline between Leah and Kail? She would recap a hell of lot more episodes if random ‘Teen Mom’ stars were grouped together and forced to share their scenes. (The Ashley is still crossing her fingers for a Butch/Farrah crossover scene.  Whether the title of the scene includes the word “Backdoor” is negotiable.)

Anyway, at dinner, Kail talks about how she is still planning to cat-scratch Briana’s eyes out at some point, over what Briana has been writing about her on The Twitter.

They start talking about Hawaii, and Leah mentions that she is really excited to go to a “lu-howt” while she’s there. They don’t have them dancin’ shows in The WV, y’all!

Kail informs Leah that the shows are actually called “luaus,” then brings up the podcast and warns Leah that they will want to talk about her and Jeremy, since it will allow Kail to (once again) start talking about herself and Javi.

“Javi will never admit it on camera, but just know that he tries to get back with me on a regular basis!” Kail tells Leah.

Leah reveals that Jeremy, too, is trying to get back with her but won’t admit it for the cameras.

Leah admits that she let Jeremy bacon-slap her a few months back, after a drunken night most likely spent down at Hillbilly Bob’s Booze Shack.

“I did not feel anything,” Leah says.

Ol’ Jerm better step it up. Leah may replace his “services” with her showerhead if he’s not careful!

Kail admits that she, too, allowed her ex-husband to put his hose in her Lady Garden recently. The girls agree that it’s easier to hook up with an ex-husband, because there’s less judgement if you’re actually with at least ONE of your baby-daddies!

The next day, Leah and Kail are recording the podcast and—wouldn’t ya know it?—that ding-dang Jeremy Lynn wants to call into the podcast to “mess with Leah.” (Hasn’t he done enough of that lately!?) Leah says she’s fine with it.

Leah does the podcast and seems totally shocked when Kail asks her if she and Jeremy have hooked up. She reluctantly answers questions about her recent diddle-fests with Jerm.

Jeremy calls in, and Kail ain’t playin’. She goes right for the jugular, asking him straight-out if he wants to be with Leah. Jerm dodges the question, saying they “co-parent great.” Kail insists that Jeremy is still in love with Leah, and Jeremy gives the very PC answer that he will “always love Leah because she’s the mother of his child.”

Yawn.

Over at Barbara’s House of Wayward Grandchildren, we see that Babs has a special guest: her son Colin. We have never really seen Jenelle’s brother on ‘Teen Mom 2’ so this is quite the treat! Colin is fun. He’s full of interesting stories, too.

Barb is bustin’ at the seams to tell someone about the killer deal she just scored.

“I got a set of luggage for eight dollas!” she cackles.

After she calms herself over her suitcase wheelin’ and dealin’, Barb tells Colin all about what happened to Jace after he returned from The Land.

“He came home from Juh-nelle’s, ya know, and he seemed, ya know, really good,” Barb says. “I says to him, I says, how was ya visit? And he’s says, ya know, ‘Mommy and David are pieces of s**t!’”

Barb and Colin agree that Jace usually returns from The Land angry, and it takes playing plenty of video games to calm the kid down. Colin also puts in a good word for himself, stating that he thinks Jace likes having him at the house.

“It’s good that he’s has anotha male figura!” Barb says. “Without all those angra issues and cursin’ and violence!”

(She means Lurch, in case you couldn’t read between the lines on that…)

“Ya sista, I don’t even know her anymore!” Babs tells him. “David has just brainwashed her to death!”

Barb and Colin begin to reminisce about old times, back before Jenelle met Lurch. She says that when Colin and Jenelle were little they were best buds.

That reminds Colin of a very “special” time that he and Jenelle shared.

“Remember, the rat in the backyard that we buried?!” he asks Barb. “You ‘member?”

Barb looks like someone just smacked her with a pan of doughboys. She has no idea how to respond to that. But, I mean…who does?! There are only so many things you can say about a rat burial story.

Luckily, Colin makes things way less awkward by telling another classic Jenelle story.

“’Member the time we, like, cut her hair off and she looked just like a guy?” he tells Barb excitedly.

(Um…whichever production assistant came up with the idea to let Colin film with Barb is probably getting a bus ticket back home right about now.)

Barb keeps talking over Colin, hoping he’ll stop telling stories that make us think her family is even more f**ked up than we originally thought (which is hard to do.)

Barb says that all Jace wants is to be able to spend some alone time with Jenelle, without her dragging her Lurch-of-a-husband and crew of kids with her. Barb says she’s going to allow Jenelle to take Jace to therapy solo.

Later, we see Jenelle and Jace after their therapy session. On the car ride there, Jace finds some NRA stickers and asks her what the hell the NRA is. Jenelle proudly tells Jace that she “joined this group that supports people having their own defense.”

#NailedIt

Jenelle tells Jace that she is also taking him to dinner…just her and him…and the entire MTV camera crew, of course.

They sit down and Jenelle orders Jace a Coke…and a virgin strawberry daiquiri. Hey—as Jenelle’s collarbone tattoo states— “YOLO!”

To her credit, Jenelle seems to be trying to be engaged with Jace at the dinner. She asks him good questions about his therapy sessions and isn’t constantly checking her phone to see if Lurch needs something.

As Jace gnaws down his dinner (which I’m almost certain is some sort of slab ‘o’ brontosaurus or something) Jenelle tells him how important therapy will be to their relationship.

Next, they go walk on the dock, and Jenelle says that she used to go there all the time when she was little.

She, of course, brings up Lurch, telling Jace, “I don’t even think David’s been here!” They share a sunset selfie. It’s nice to see a happy moment in Jenelle’s life…one that doesn’t include any police officers being called or walls being punched or whatnot.

That’s all for this episode! To read The Ashley’s other reality TV show recaps, click here!

(Photos: MTV)