Note: The Ashley is aware that this is not the most-recent episode of ‘Teen Mom 2.’ However, she had many requests from readers who wanted a recap of this episode. The Ashley will be recapping this week’s episode as well, and will be posting it soon!
Hey y’all! It’s time to check back in the cast of Teen Mom 2! Our favorite breeders are extra busy this week getting plastic surgery and going on dream Hawaiian vacations and whatnot. You know, just the average young moms doing average things!
(And here you are thinking you were smart for making it through high school without Juvenile Hall Jimmy shooting his sperm into your teenage hoo-ha and knocking you up! You could be lounging on a beach in Hawaii or getting a tummy tuck right now instead of sitting at your desk at work reading this crap!)
Anyway, we kick this episode off in Miami, where Briana‘s friend “Shirley” has just had her insides torn into by Dr. Miami-stein. Bri is waiting for her turn to be carved up by the Doc when Javi strolls into the doctor’s office waiting room. Briana is upset that Javi dared to show up after making a big ol’ stink about not wanting her to be broadcast on The Snapchat while her insides were being sucked out.
Briana says that it’s super awkward now that Javi has shown up to “help.” (As you’ll remember, Bri had already lined up another ex-boyfriend– some mystery hooligan named Dre— to help her wipe her butt after surgery. Perhaps she can delegate one butt cheek per ex-boyfriend now that Javi’s there too?)
“God I’m so stressed out!” Bri wails to her producer.
(Don’t you hate it when you’re about to get free plastic surgery and you have not one but TWO goons willing to take care of you as long as you give them a chance to get their mugs on camera?! #TypicalTeenMomLife)
Apparently Javi is trying to pretend that he had no idea that the ‘Teen Mom’ cameras were going to be documenting Briana’s butt removal, and Briana says he’s lying.
Briana waddles her pre-surgery butt upstairs to go claim whatever’s left of “Shirley’s” body, yelling that she’s “Aggravated as f**k!”
“Shirley” is shoveled into Bri’s car, as Javi stands there with a goofy look on his face. He crawls into the backseat.
They get “Shirley” into the rental condo (with Javi shamelessly carrying her butt pillow…as you do). The girls are talking about how weird it is that Javi came.
“It’s me!” he announces as he creeps into the room where “Shirley” and Briana are.
“It sure is,” Briana says while rolling her eyes.
Meanwhile, in South Dakota, Chelsea, Randy and Cole are sitting down to lunch to chat about Chelsea’s pregnancy. Chelsea says she is 14 weeks along, and they are trying to keep the news on the down-low.
In other news, Chelsea is planning to take Aubree to go visit Paislee, her half-sister. Chelsea says that Paislee hasn’t seen her father, Adam, in months, so at least if Chelsea takes Aubree to visit her, the kid will get to see some of her family. Randy and Cole talk about how weird it is that a dad can be OK without seeing his kids.
Over in North Carolina, Jenelle is doing her best to avoid seeing her ex-soulmate Nathan. She’s trying to enlist her [too-pretty-and-normal-to-be-Jenelle’s-friend] pal Jaime to fetch the kid from Nathan’s sweaty mitts, so that she and Lurch don’t have to do it.
Lurch’s mother is now refusing to participate in the drop-off shenanigans anymore, so Lurch and Jenelle are desperate to find someone new to do it.
Here’s a thought: why not suck it up, act like adults, go get your kid without speaking to your ex and be on your merry way?! (Just kidding: this is Jenelle we’re talking about.)
Jenelle said that she doesn’t want to see Nathan without Lurch by her side, and since Lurch got the ol’ boot from MTV, she can’t bring him along while she’s filming.
“I’m not going there alone, and David can’t come ’cause we’re filmin’!” Jenelle pouts.
Oh, the dilemma!
Jamie agrees to fetch the kid, telling Jenelle she’d “love to.” However she says it with the same enthusiasm she’d say she’d “love to” pick barnacles off of Lurch’s feet.
Later, Jamie does take Kaiser to meet up with Nathan. Kaiser is thrilled to see Nate, and is waving and screaming “Daddy!” as soon as he sees Nathan.
Nate emerges from his car, wearing a sliced-to-the-limit workout tank (naturally). You can basically smell the tanning lotion and protein powder through the TV.
Jamie and Nathan exchange pleasantries (and actually act like adults, which is always a shocker whenever that happens on this show). Nate slings Kaiser over his tanned shoulder and heads off.
Nathan and his girlfriend Ashley take Kaiser out to eat. They promptly throw headphones over his ears so they can talk crap on Jenelle.
I think that’s nice…
Before the crap-talking can commence, though, Nathan is serving up some of his classic pickup lines on his galpal.
“If I could put ya on an artpiece, I could probably get a billion dollars,” he tells her.
Awww…nothing says romance like bragging about how much money you could get if you sold your girlfriend!
Nathan then tells his “Mona Lisa” of a girlfriend that he has prepared paperwork to change his custody arrangement for Kaiser. He says now that he’s not on the hook for any legal charges anymore (!) he can try to fight for his kid on his own. He says he’s prepared to do “whatever it takes” to get more time with Kaiser.
The editors then turn Nathan into a red cartoon bull for some reason, which we can only assume is their slick way of saying whatever Nathan is telling us is all bulls**t.
While all this is going on, Leah and Kail are living it up while on vacation together in Hawaii. Leah is not used to “the traveling” and whatnot, and declares that she’d like to get the hell out of The WV on the regular.
They frolic on the beach, go snorkeling and hike through the jungle. During a car ride on the island, Kail tells her pals that Baby Daddy #3 Chris is taking advantage of the fact that she’s in Hawaii, and demanding he be allowed to see Lux. The baby is currently being watched by “Bone,” and Kail is trying to arrange it so Chris can see the kid, even though up until now he hasn’t had any interest in his child.
“He’s trash!” Kail’s friend declares.
Meanwhile, in Florida, while Bri is away, Devoin is on Daddy Duty. After Roxanne tells him which daughter is his, he takes Nova to the park for some bonding time. Nova, though, seems to be thrilled to finally be spending time with her dad.
Over in Miami, Bri sits down with Javi for an awkward conversation. Javi (kind of) apologizes for talking about Briana on Kail‘s podcast.
“I’m sorry…but I was on there praising you!” Javi insists.
Then, Javi says that he had every right to go on Kail’s podcast and talk crap about Briana, since Bri went straight to her ex Dre to get him to care for her, instead of going to Javi.
Briana insists that she and Dre are just friends (who used to do the Horizontal Mambo on the regular, of course). She also reminds Javi that they were/are/will be broken up.
Javi says he switched his whole schedule around to come down to Miami to wipe Briana’s butt, and he doesn’t feel like she even appreciates it. He then tells her that he has some other broad who is READY AND WILLING TO MOVE TO DOVER to fill Briana’s spot in the Papi Javi Love Nest if Briana doesn’t want it.
Briana (and everyone else watching) can’t believe that Javi would say that. She storms out (rightfully so), yelling “You can leave!”
Javi just yells, “What did I say!?”
Javi– go buy yourself a helmet because once Roxanne hears about this, shoes, vases and maybe even leftovers from Briana’s butt will be flying all over the place!
“How do you try to give me a ring and then….he really is a piece of s**t!” Briana cries to “Shirley.”
Even in her post-surgery state, “Shirley” knows that Briana and Javi are a hot mess, and she advises her friend to give him the boot.
In South Dakota, it’s time for Aubree and Paislee to meet up and go bowling. Watson is muggin’ for the camera as the family drives through the cornfields to get to the bowling alley. Before they get out of the car, Chelsea reminds Aubree not to squeal that there’s another baby in her belly.
Soon, the sisters are reunited and they are thrilled to see each other. As the girls bowl, Chelsea talks with Paislee’s mom Taylor about what a piece of crap Adam is. They also discuss how Adam’s parents are totally oblivious to the fact that their son is failing drug tests on the regular.
Taylor says Daddy Dearest Adam hasn’t contacted her in a year, and that Adam’s parents refuse to go see Paislee at the court-ordered visitation center.
Just then, Paislee asks Aubree if Cole is her dad. Aubree looks like she doesn’t know what to say, and the adults laugh it off. After saying “cheeseballs” for a few pics, the girls part ways and the moms vow to keep them in contact.
Meanwhile, Nathan and Kaiser are busy flexin’ on the mini golf course (as you do), when Barbara calls him up.
“Oh, hi Nathan!” Babs cackles over the phone.
Babs informs Nate that “Kaisa” made Lurch really mad when he “accidentally” peed on him recently. Barb says that Jace told her that Lurch spanked Kaiser really hard over the incident, and that Jace told her Kaiser gets spanked by Lurch all the time. Nathan is understandably upset by this news.
They make a date to discuss the incident, and agree to have lunch together the next day.
Years ago, at the height of the Jenelle/Nathan saga, we could have never guessed that Barb would end up being so chummy with one of Jenelle’s boooooooyfriends!
The next day, Nathan meets up with Barb to discuss “the David situation.” Barb attempts to fist-bump Nate as he enters, but then goes in for the hug.
Nathan tells Barb that Kaiser tells him he doesn’t want to go back to The Land because there’s too much yelling over there. Babs says that Jace tells her the same thing. Nathan says he’s trying to file a motion of contempt, due to the fact that Lurch and Jenelle are always late to drop off Kaiser, and use “vulgarity” around the kid.
Barb says that Jace calls her the “MF” word every time he returns from a venture on The Land.
Nathan says that Jenelle and Lurch need to pass a psychological evaluation and a drug test.
Um…most of the people on this show probably couldn’t pass one of those tests, let alone both. That’s kind of why we watch this crap…
Babs advises Nathan to write all the criminal things Jenelle and Nathan do on a “calenda,” just like she’s been doing since 2009. (Barb is coming in with those receipts!)
Meanwhile, in Hawaii, Leah calls up Corey Tyler to see how her twin youngins are doing while she’s away. Leah’s worried about Ali, who has been sick. Corey Tyler assures Leah that Ali is better now, but she’s still worried because Ali has been struggling physically lately.
Leah tells her friends that she feels that Corey Tyler was short with her on the phone, and she is worried he’s judging her for leaving the girls to go frolic in Hawaii.
The next day, the group decides to go sky-diving and Leah is nervous.
Kail tells her that sky-diving changed her life the first time she did it. After taking the plunge, Kail says she got divorced, graduated college and she plucked the house right out from under Javi.
Who would have thunk that falling from the sky could have done all that?!
As they exit the car, Leah looks like she’s about to piss her britches, but she is determined to go through with it. They get all harnessed up and are given the safety rules to help prevent them from plunging to their death.
Once up in the airplane, each girl is strapped to a man (!) , and soon they are all airborne. The skydives go well and everyone lands safely (and no one gets pregnant, so there’s that….) Leah is proud of herself for going through with it.
Finally we head to Miami one last time, where Bri is still reeling from Javi telling her that he has another girl on speed dial who is ready to move in with him. From her deathbed, “Shirley” tells Javi that he was wrong to say that to Briana. Javi says that it was OK that he was lining up girls to take Briana’s place, since they were broken up at the time…or something.
“Shirley” says it’s wrong of Javi to talk about having a Plan B. (“Shirley” seems like a gal who would be very familiar with the Plan B, you know?)
He calls in Briana, and then basically tries to get her to apologize to him. (Umm?) She says that Javi was trying to throw it in her face that he had other girls on standby to replace her.
Javi then says that he only mentioned his willing-to-move side dish because he wanted Briana to know that he wasn’t willing to settle for just anyone!
Oh, Javi. You’re good. You make no sense, but you get an A+ when it comes to trying to weasel out of crap you did.
He offers to stay to take care of Briana after her surgery. She agrees, saying she will allow him to wipe her butt post-surgery, but she refuses to let him to hug her.
That’s all for this episode of ‘Teen Mom 2!’ But grab your butt pillows, kids, because next week Briana goes under the knife!
To read The Ashley’s previous ‘Teen Mom 2’ recap, click here!
(Photos: MTV)
30 Responses
When she talked about getting her butt deflated, I had a bad giggle fit. The combination of those two words, I guess. Javi really seems to be attracted to trashy women with TONS of baggage.
I dont like that Kail always leaves her kids with her friends. She always has tons of people in and out of her house. Is she running a bed & breakfast? Seriously, that’s how things happen to children. A lot of these friends don’t have children either. I can understand if you allowed your bff who also has children to babysit for an evening. But Kail leaves her infant son for days!! Personally, I wouldn’t feel comfortable having my friends and their friends in my house 24/7. Also wth do you need a vacation from, Kail? Taking a break from being a bitter hoe ?
bitter hoe haha – brilliant!
Who would look at Briana’s ass and be motivated to go to her plastic surgeon. She literally looks like she’s trying to smuggle a couple of Cornish game hens out of a store in her sweat pants. Clearly her surgeries were botched, Briana is a smart girl (said no one ever), even still why would she go back to the same person to fix the job. At the very beginning, I thought Javi was a stand up dude, but he has come off as such a slime ball in the last couple of seasons. I think it’s the latest episode where he says to himself how his “image” has been hurt by messing around with the De’Jesus family (uh, ya think)! And for him to mention he has some chick (who is clearly a Mack a la Rhine) is willing to move to Delaware for him, shows how deluded he’s become by being on this show (I wonder if this gal is the new baby-momma). Briana is constantly talking about how stressed out she is, this chick is such a Jenelle, every single thing in her life that she is stressed out about is unnecessary and of her own doing I have zero sympathy for her (honestly, I don’t know how she gets out of bed in the morning without an instruction manual). As mentioned in the article, some of us have actual jobs that require getting off the couch, can’t afford to produce oopsie-babbies in ‘da club and choose not to get random plastic surgery by mad scientists, and have real worries so all of Briana’s bitching really makes her seem that much more insufferable.
Cornish game hens loooooooooooooooooooooool
Kail really pissed me off this episode. Leah is sitting there telling you about Ali and you can’t even be bothered to look up from her phone to acknowledge her. But wants everyone to listen and respond when she whines about Chris wanting to see Lux.
Leah was nice to see her have some fun but still take the time to call and check in on her girls.
Brianna meh I just want the surgery to be over with at this point, that’s all her story line has been the last 3 episodes. And it must be so terrible to have two exes willing to come wipe your fake plastic butt.
Jenelle pull up your big girl panties and drop YOUR kid off by yourself. The only reason you aren’t is because UBT won’t let you. Thank God for Jamie I don’t know how she puts up with her BS but good for her.
Chelsea I think I’m one of the few that wasn’t bothered by the half-sister comment b/c she wasn’t saying it in a vindictive way, it was nice to see Aubree and Paislee have nice time together and I hope they continue to do so.
It was telling how much Leah missed her kids during the trip & arriving home compared to Kail. Kail spent her talk time ranting about a baby daddy while Leah talked about her daughter & talking to her daughter regularly. Leah may have finally grown up.
my comments continue to disappear ??? i get the reload comment over and over im on chrome whats up with that @ the ashley??????
Seeing Nathan and Kaiser together and the joy on their faces was great 🙂 He loves his son so much. I wish he had full custody and supervised visits for Jenelle since Kaiser is nothing more than a pawn in her game against Nathan and Doris. Kailyn hitting the ground with a thud from her enormous ass was hilarious. I agree with the other commenter who also noticed it LOL ever notice how she walks like a duck with her feet turned out and her too small pants or shorts snuggied up her ass??? She’s hideous. So glad Chris refuses to film or be shown because we all know that makes her livid.
The combination of Javi’s tattoos, shorts — and short black socks totally make me ill.
The fact that he can gaslight all these ladies to “line up to be with him in Delaware” while curling his wonky top lip and smirking about it, is completely beyond my comprehension.
#notafan
The first and last time I will ever agree with David is when he told Jenelle that you don’t follow a grown ass man home.
I wonder how much they pay that girl Jamie to be tagged as Jenelle’s “friend”. I hope she gets bonus pay for putting herself in danger out on the land.
Notice that Farrah and Jenelle both have NO FRIENDS to the point where they have to have paid actresses to play their friends, just so they can have scenes with conversations. Farrah can’t keep a friend because she’s rude and nasty to everyone she comes in contact with, and Jenelle can’t keep a friend because David has isolated her from everyone in her entire life.
I’m pretty sure Jamie and her husband have since moved. I also think they were the owners of the underwater janitor company Lurch now owns. They sold it to him when they moved. I’m sure he’ll run it into the ground in no time.
and because all of Jenelle’s friends are in jail. Probably. How embarrassing to think that, since MTV won’t film with David, Jenelle had to call up people only to realize there’s no one left. That’s really sad (play Despacito).
Trying not to be mean but I loved the footage of King Kail hitting the ground from skydiving.
Tickled my funny bone ?
YAY RECAP!
I actually kinda like Nathan’s girlfriend. Her emotion when he was talking about Kaiser seemed genuine, and was an appropriate human reaction to this horrible situation. Not sure how Nathan nabbed her, but the phrase “punching above his weight” is screaming in my head right now. Is she the same girlfriend who hugged Barb at the reunion, resulting in that whole shit-show?
I’m hoping Nathan’s new girlfriend can stabilize him and help him get his sh*t together because Kaisah really needs him and Dorris is getting up there in years. Although I’m skeptical after watching the interview with his previous ex Jessica on the ‘Being Nathan’ special unless he has been getting the psychological treatment he needs.
For all of Nathan’s flaws, there’s never been any rumors of him being rough with his children or Jace and that’s way more than can be said for Lurch.
I’m not Nathan’s biggest fan, but I would rather have him raising Kaiser than Jenelle.
100% agree
Did somebody get Nathan a thesaurus? Or has he always talked like that?
It was so hard to listen to him try to talk!
It reminded me of the episode of “Friends” when Joey writes a letter to the adoption agency, when he calls them homosapiens with full-sized aortic pumps instead of people with big hearts.
I think he had a head injury when he was in the military? It seems like it’s hard for him to make words into sentences.
I was watching him talk on aTMZ going “aww, he’s trying to use big words” but I like your description better ?
Nice Friends reference…. I like you
Baby Kangaroo Tribbiani
Javi really is a A+ gaslighting SOB. I despise him. I hope he gets zero time next season. The only weasel that went for another Teen Mom so he could appear in twice the segments. What a grade A creep.
I wonder if his ripped off paper will say Kail’s ex or Briana’a ex when he appears next…
Well, the only one to do it successfully. We all know Matt gave it the good old college try. Also didnt Corey once date one of the 16 & pregnant girls after breaking up with Leah?
But I agree, Javi is the worst. Btw, your name here is hilarious, and i would fully support it being on his ripped off paper thingy next season. And every season after that.
Lol, “ripped off paper thingy.”
Can The Ashley find out what exactly Shirley had “done?” Her face looks normal…when she went to let the Coven in the hotel her body looked proportionate…
I have never been a Javi fan. The way he used to treat Jo would piss me off. You could tell he wanted Jo completely out of the picture. His controlling ass didn’t even want Jo on his front porch if he wasn’t there to supervise, never mind the fact that he happily allowed Isaac to call him “daddy” even though Jo was always around. He loves the attention and playing the victim. I died when he was like “What did I say?!” I hope Lauren/Plan C knows what she got herself into.
Lauren should be mortified after watching that episode. Almost feel sorry for her but she knew what she was getting herself into. Though Bri is a dim bulb even she saw the red flags and ran so if Lauren is less intelligent than Bri then…. wow!