(Note: Yes, The Ashley knows this is last week’s episode…some day she will catch up on recapping…)
It’s been a while since The Ashley went down the MTV trash TV rabbit hole and recapped an episode of Teen Mom OG, so let’s open up this trashcan and see what our gals (and their beaus, ex-beaus, kids and strangely named siblings) are up to this week!
The episode starts off in Tennessee, where Maci is heading to her former TTM Dream Home to catch up with her friend Katie, who happens to be squatting there for the time being.
“How does it feel being in this house?” Katie asks Maci. “Does it look familiar?”
Um…probably, being that it is literally Maci’s house. Katie needs to get better at coming up with the random friend small talk. This is just embarrassing.
Maci tells Katie that she and Taylor are looking for land (not to be confused with “The Land,” of course…) to buy and build a house on. They want a place that their family can’t outgrow, no matter how many times Maci wants to play “I didn’t know I was pregnant!”
Maci declares that, once she finds the right house, she’s going to make like Amber on her couch and will never leave it.
Later, Maci is busy searchin’ the InterWebs to find the perfect house for her ever-expanding family. Maci knows that she and Taylor are one drunken Bud-Light-filled night away from needing another nursery, so she wants to make sure the house she chooses is large enough to accommodate all of their current and future Oopsie Babies!
She discovers a large house on 7 acres that tickles her fancy. It’s got a pool, a bunch of bedrooms and an entire building out back to store the family’s beer supply. Maci is starting to reconsider their plan to buy land and build their dream home, and thinks that she and Taylor should go check the house out.
They drive out there and we see that the house sits in the middle of a neighborhood and is basically the biggest house in the area. It looks like one of those ‘Real Housewives’ star houses. (The only thing that’s out of place is the oddly painted circus ceilings, which may or may not have been painted by Jenelle during a particularly productive drug binge. Seriously– there has to be some sort of pharmaceutical explanation for those things!)
They barrel their purple Jeep (um?) down the development and are thrilled that the realtor “happened” to be able to meet with them ASAP. (The realtor ain’t no fool– she knows those LSD-inspired ceilings are going to be a tough sell to anyone…except maybe people who are famous for getting knocked up at 16.)
Unfortunately, the house’s current owner is not keen on slumming it on a trashy MTV reality show, so Maci and Taylor are not allowed to film inside the house.
When they get back into their purple Jeep, Taylor and Maci both agree that they like the house.
Taylor says that he likes that everything in the house is modern, up-to-date and classy. (We can gather from their Barney-colored car that these two are all about “the class!”)
Meanwhile, in Alaska, Bristol is visiting her family while her son Tripp is shootin’ moose (Meese? Mooses?) with his dad Levi.
Bristol and a Pack ‘o’ Palins head up the river to go salmon fishing.
While out on the boat, Bristol talks about how thrilled she is to be rid of Dakota (and his sweaty bangs), and declares that she will probably never remarry. Bristol says that she basically married ol’ Drippy Bangs because she felt ashamed because she got knocked up with Tripp and she wanted to actually be married the next time a child squeezed from her loins.
Bristol’s friend encourages her to just live in sin the next time around and not to sign that marriage certificate! Bristol says she’s not even sure anyone would even want to marry her now.
Even though Bristol doesn’t want any more husbands, she demands that her sister Piper and friend Marina allow her to pick out their husbands. (Does anyone in Alaska have a name that’s not a noun?! SERIOUSLY.)
Over in Indiana, Amber is home from her “celebrity” boxing event and is starting to feel excited again about hitting people on the regular.
(Did you hear that thundering noise? That’s Gary running for his life.)
Luckily, Amber is going to buck her usual beat-down methods of kicking people down stairs and throwing electrical appliances at their head. Instead, she wants to continue doing Mixed Martial Arts.
She says that exercising has been helpful for her to manage her bipolar and depression.
Amber (dressed in her old sweatpants from prison) meets with an MMA coach who takes her through a full workout. The last time we saw Amber sweat this much, she was waiting to hear the results of Matt‘s polygraph test!
As Amber is working out, Andrew is sitting with the baby and admiring Amber’s prison beat-down skills! He may want to start wearing a cup at all times. You know…safety first!
Meanwhile, Gary is also thinking about safety. In fact, he wants to ensure that he can hump his way into a bladder infection without having to worry about getting his wife Kristina pregnant anymore!
That’s right kids… Gary is getting a vasectomy. And we get to hear all about it!
Has this what this show has come to? Have things gotten so bad that the only possible story line involves Gary Shirley’s man parts getting snipped?! SIGH.
Gary meets with the Dr. Donald, who pulls out a chart of the male reproduction system to explain what he is going to do to Gary’s parts. (I mean…this is the same guy who once tried to use PLASTIC WRAP instead of a condom, so I think it may be necessary to include some visual aids…)
Every time Dr. Donald says the word “testicle,” Gary bursts out laughing. When Dr. Donald says that he will need to put a rubber band around Gary’s penis to do the procedure, Gary looks directly at the camera, Clarissa-Explains-It-All-style and gives us a look to let us know he’s not thrilled that anyone is going near his trouser snake.
Gary is concerned that all the snippings will change how sex feels for him. (Thanks MTV. Now I can’t get the image of Gary humping out of my head.)
We head up to Michigan, where Cheyenne is with Cory visiting his family. (Hopefully she made enough time to swing by April‘s humble abode and say hello. I mean, if you don’t visit April, did you even visit the Mitten State?!)
Cory wants all his friends to meet Ryder (and his new MTV camera crew, obviously), so he’s putting together a fiesta. As he chomps away at some sort of deli meat sandwich, he tells his mom who will be attending the shindig.
Cory then slips in (pun intended) the fact that he invited Lauren…
…who is his ex-girlfriend
…whom he dated for seven years.
Everyone thinks it’s weird that Cory’s hanging out with his ex-girlfriend. Cory even admits that he always figured that, if he was going to knock anyone up, it would have been Lauren! (How this Lauren resisted procreating with Cory I’ll never know. I mean, all woman dream of the day they can make a baby with a dude who talks while he chews, right?)
Cheyenne is not really paying attention to the conversation Cory’s having with his mom…until his mom casually states, “If you wanted to have a baby with Lauren, she’d probably be OK with that…”
Cheyenne is suddenly all ears, glaring at Cory from the other room.
Also…how desperate is this Lauren chick?! Is she just sitting there in Michigan, legs open, ready to be spawned by Cory? Jesus God Leah.
Cory wanders into the room where Cheyenne is, and she asks him to explain why his (apparently desperate to be impregnated) ex-girlfriend will be at the party.
We then learn that Lauren is actually the Lauren who appeared on The Real World with Cory years ago. If you were one of the dozens of people who watched the season of ‘The Real World’ that Cory was on, you might remember than Lauren took a pregnancy test while in the house with Cory and it came back positive.
(She must be really kicking herself, eh? Had she waited a few months and got herself knocked up by Cory, she may have scored the spot on ‘Teen Mom!’)
Despite Lauren’s initial claims, Cory is, in the words of Maury Povich, “NOT THE FATHER.”
Oh, by all means, let’s invite this girl and her obviously fruitful loins to the party! Cory will have her pregnant by the time the appetizers come out!
Meanwhile, in another part of Michigan, Catelynn is regaling us with the tale of the recent “Couple’s Retreat” she went to with Tyler— in private!– to work on their marriage.
Catelynn tells Nova all about the “baby in her tummy,” and reveals that she is preparing Duncan Hines’ finest baked goods in preparation for a gender reveal party that’s being held the next day. Nova assures Catelynn that she will love the new baby, regardless if it’s a boy or a girl.
The same may not be able to be said for Tyler, who has made it very clear that Catelynn better not shoot another female spawn from her loins. He wants a boy, dammit!
Catelynn later tells us that this new baby was, of course, an “oopsie baby.” Since her marriage to Tyler is basically in the toilet at this point, they weren’t planning to bring another kid into the mix, but, hey, accidents happen…all the time…on this show…about preventing unwanted pregnancies.
Tyler has announced that he wants to try living apart from Catelynn for a month. Catelynn has accepted his decision, but is not happy about it.
Cate explains that, while on the couples’ retreat, they realized that they’ve been together for way too many years and never got to experience anything else.
Everyone’s counselor and therapy horse is on board with the trial separation. Tyler says that as soon as the construction is done on their new house, he’s high-tailing it over to Singlesville…at least for a while, anyway.
They start uttering their “therapy talk” back and forth like they’re in some weird mental-health-themed rap battle. Tyler says he didn’t want to hurt Cate’s “core wounds,” while Cate states that she is trying to be careful and avoid her “triggers.”
Cate then reminds Tyler that him leaving her is basically the same as him dying, and that it will bring up all the bad feelings she still has from her miscarriage, abusive childhood, dealings with Farrah, etc. She reminds him that he’s causing her a lot of stress by doing this.
Back in Tennessee, Maci and Taylor put an offer in for the house, and it gets accepted almost immediately. They waste no time packing their family treasures for the move. (Let’s hope they bought enough bubble wrap to safely transport their collection of “One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila, FLOOR” shot glasses.)
Maci starts to get all sentimental as she packs up the house.
“Maverick was born here,” she says sadly.
Taylor busts out a few philosophical jewels.
“Every time a chapter closes another one starts,” he declares. (Um? Did he steal that from Jenelle and Nathan? It sounds like something that “dramastic” couple would say.)
Over in Alaska, Bristol realizes she hasn’t monopolized enough of the conversations with her friends, so she drags Marina to a random park so she can listen to her bitch about her life.
Bristol claims that Dakota told her that her parents and friends all hated her, all because he wanted to control her. She pouts because she’s stuck living in Texas due to her divorce and can’t go home to live in Alaska.
Back in Indiana, it’s time for Gary’s manhood to be chopped. He honestly looks like he’s about to cry, and admits to Kristina that he’s not totally comfortable going under the knife. Still, he’s agreed to undergo the procedure.
Gary hops in his car and drives down to Ye Olde Vasectomy Shoppe. He goes in and the doctor gives him some sort of jock strap to wear. They show all of the scissors and tools that will be used to snip Gary’s pipes and honestly, I’m terrified. Are we going to go in the operating room and watch this happen? I CAN NOT HANDLE THIS.
Gary lays on the operating table and the doctor begins the procedure.
They show Dr. Donald down in Gary’s no-nos, and we hear…cutting. Thankfully we are spared a shot of Gary’s actual man pieces, but we do get to hear him squeal in pain.
Later, he heads home, jock strap in place, and complains about how tight his undies are. He describes the procedure in detail, down to that special, kicked-in-the-balls feeling he’s experiencing.
That’s it! I have learned way too much about Gary’s nether region this episode. #NeverAgain
Over at Amber’s house, Amber is complaining that having Baby James totally messed up her stomach.
“Actually hitting something helps relieve stress,” Amber says as Andrew looks slightly frightened.
He recommends Amber gets some of those “detox teas” to help her lose the baby weight. He says that he plans to restrict her from eating all unhealthy foods, and Amber reminds Ol’ Andy that he doesn’t exactly have a supermodel body himself.
We head back to Michigan, where Cory’s party is in full swing. Everyone’s wearing their finest white jeans and is having a good time. Lauren has, of course, shown up and Cheyenne is not thrilled.
Lauren is telling Cory how proud she is of him (for knocking up Cheyenne?) and keeps rubbing up against him, all while Cheyenne glares at the two of them.
Later, Lauren says her goodbyes. Cheyenne seems relieved to see her go. She fakes pleasantries with Lauren and then gets all catty while looking directly into the camera.
Cheyenne, classy as always, talks crap on Lauren after she leaves. (Hey at least Cheyenne didn’t wear her thong bathing suit to this family party, so there’s that…she’s upped the class level a little!)
Later, some of Cory’s friends are trying to convince him to “kick it with” (aka bone the Bejesus out of) Cheyenne. Cory says it wouldn’t be worth risking their co-parenting relationship in order to hump like rabbits. Over in the other corner, Cheyenne is chatting with some of the girls about the same topic. She says they’re “best friends” and don’t need to start banging and mess that up.
“On ‘The Challenge,’ he was like a God to me,” Cheyenne says.
Well…that sure got my stomach churning…
Cheyenne says that the girls on ‘The Challenge’ warned her not to “kick it with” Cory, and she later found out it was because half of those girls had already slept with him. There’s a good chance that half of the girls at this party have also gone to the boneyard with Cory. I hope they included some penicillin in those party goodie bags!
Chey and Cory talk about how everyone wants them to get together, but Cory is concerned that Cheyenne’s boyfriend Zach will come back into her life. Cheyenne assures Cory that she’s done with Zach, because Zach tried to make her chose between him and Cory.
The sexual tension between them is thick enough that you could cut it with Gary’s vasectomy scalpel! They need to just bang it out already so we can move this story line along!
Elsewhere in Michigan, Catelynn is upset, but she is putting her best face forward because it’s time for their gender reveal party. Producer Kiki jumps in Cate’s car and they head off to the party, chatting along the way about how much of a dumpster fire Cate’s marriage to Tyler is.
Catelynn tells Producer Kiki that she and Tyler won’t be seeing other people during their “trial separation.”
“I was just getting super-triggered about my childhood trauma and feeling like he was going to abandon me,” Catelynn says.
Once they reach the park (where apparently all ‘Teen Mom’ gender reveal parties must be held, for some reason), the usual suspects start showing up to celebrate the baby/eat their body weight in free Farmer John hot dogs.
April’s there, as is Cate’s brother Nick, and few random kids in bathing suits. They bring out the pinata and are anxious to find out if they’re about to have a boy…or if Tyler’s about to have a big ol’ tantrum.
They pull the cord and— what do ya know?— pink streamers come pouring out, signaling that Cate’s having a girl. Tyler throws his head back in disgust as Cate shouts, “I don’t want another girl!” The only person who seems even remotely happy is April (but, again, there are free hot dogs so…)
“He may only be able to have girls!” Tyler’s mom Kim says, much to Tyler’s dismay.
After they get the “good” news, Catelynn’s grandma sits with Cate and brings the party down even more. She says she was just thinking about Catelynn’s miscarriage, and how it put Cate “over the edge.”
Gee, thanks for the memories, Granny!
That’s not all Granny wants to chat about. She next asks Cate how her marriage is, forcing Catelynn to talk about the trial separation. At the same time, Tyler is off explaining to Kim how the separation will work. She asks Tyler if he’s looking forward to being on his own. He immediately says “Yes!” but then backtracks a bit so he doesn’t look like a jerk.
That’s all for this episode! Until next time!
To read The Ashley’s previous ‘Teen Mom OG’ recap, click here!
(Photos: MTV)
42 Responses
Care, let Tyler go so he can grow and stop babying you! Please
“He recommends Amber gets some of those “detox teas” to help her lose the baby weight.” Ah yes nothing says love like telling your s/o to start drinking laxatives.
Thank you for this gem of a recap, The Ashley!! So good… On another note: what person exclaims at their gender reveal (ON TELEVISION) “I don’t want another girl!!” Are you friggin kidding me?! You gave one up for adoption, and fast-forward 10ish years from now when your daughter sees this clip on YouTube… I just hope you set aside a large chunk of those mtv checks for the therapy that they will for sure need.
I’m sorry but I agree that Tyler and Cate will end up divorced but at the same time I(myself) would divorce ANY douche man they wanted a trial separation while I was pregnant (Cate would never) I can completely understand where Tyler is coming from but it’s just bad timing. I agree she’s let herself go but that’s also a sign of depression. I don’t think her leaving Tyler to care for Nova (alone) 2x was a good idea at all. She should have tried to get help and remain at least in Michigan. Idk but divorce yeah especially when this shit show ends. He will stay until there’s no more teen Mom money…I would bet my entire life savings on that!
she trapped him with that child should he stay and be more miserable?? he deserves a freaking medal for putting up with her.
Talk about staged! You know Maci found that house, already bought it and then re-created the whole BS scene of them going to look at it and buying it and practically moving in the next day! If she is pregnant, I’m sure we won’t see that until next season when the kid is a year old With how behind they seem to be. It’s like Caitlyn and Tyler announcing she’s pregnant a week ago on the show, three months after everyone already knew that. And in one of the last couple of episodes, there were some scenes where Caitlyn looked exactly like April back in the 16 and pregnant times! Scary!
I don’t want a girl!!! Catelynn is ridiculous. Talk about trauma. How about you leaving your kid for therapy, coming back knowing your child is traumatized from you not being there and leaving her again. What the hell!!! How about saying to the world I don’t want a girl knowing one day tazlee will see that. What the hell!!! Ty seems mature at times but sometimes hes just as bad as catelynn. Thanks mom I can only have girls.
How could anyone say that, especially after they had a miscarriage!
I think Maci is pregnant. That is all.
I think so too. Leah looks like it too.
Butch with a fly swatter is my life.
It really says something if you’ve been away for months at rehab, and you come back home for a few weeks and your husband wants to try a month of separation. If Catelynn wants their marriage to work, she needs stop throwing herself a pity party every day, get off the couch, and take some initiative to get better. A relationship takes 2 people, and the way she treats Tyler really isn’t fair. Plus, nobody wants to hear about her “childhood trauma” anymore…childhood was well over 15 years ago…time to stop with the excuses, act like a functioning adult and get her shit together…I swear the girl goes to different therapists and facilities so she gets diagnosed with more random issues, in hopes of more excuses to get more sympathy…Seems like she’s on a mission to get diagnosed with everything in the DSM so people will take pity on her.
Maybe catelyns issues are wirse than anyone thinks. Because then ehy is she still this bad? She seems so unattached to anybody or anything. If my husband told me that he wanted to live separately i would still be upset the next day. She is not. I dont think she cares about tyler that much either. Just like he doesnt seem to care about her anymore. Poor nova and poor new baby. Growing up in a house with no love and tv cameras on all the time.
That careless unattached look is probably from the anti depressant meds or weed or both. But, we all know she would fall to pieces if she wasn’t medicated when Tyler leaves. He better take this chance and run like hell. Kailyn is trying to rope him in with more kids so he will never leave her.
Ugh, just DIVORCE already! And separate. Like obv they are still together because it’s been so long and they are used to each other. Not because they love each other. And being not thrilled about having a girl, guess what Cate, he will make you bore daughters to him until you have a breakdown or get a son, whichever comes first.
Tyler won’t leave because he still wants to milk this teen mom show. Once the show ends Tyler will be out. Catelyn knows that the show is the only thing that kept them together.
Meh, at this point, Tyler has enough of his own platform/voice to maybe get 15 more minutes of fame and pay days even after he leaves Cate. Besides him being a douche sometimes, he articulates well and has some common sense. Plus he’s honest and tells it like it is. Even if his delivery can be harsh. In short, I doubt he’s staying for money. If so, he wouldn’t even bother with this “trial” separation. I feel he’s preparing to do the inevitable.
Now that Gary is snipped, does this mean no more “it’s Gary Time” Saran Wrap condoms?
The Ashley need not to write up Bristol and Cheyenne’s segments. The writing is great but not even witty commentary can save that much waste of airtime.
I skip through the segments when Bristol and especially Cheyenne are on !
I ALMOST started watching a Bristol segment a couple of times and Sarah Palin showed up both times. Pass.
I always skip through theur parts. When they are on it doesnt seem like I’m watching teen mom but an entirely different show.
Agree.
So far, for me it’s always the perfect time to mentally go over my grocery list.
Jeez, whose idea was it to add these two “nothing burger” story lines to TMOG again?
Just asking.
I am hoping they can tell when people fast forward through those segments! No one is watching them! So The Ashley, you can can save so much time eliminating those two segments from the recap and get caught up! Your recaps are just the BEST!!!
Can we go through an episode without cate talking about trauma and triggers?? I’m so over it ? I feel like tyler is afraid to leave her because of this crap
Does Ambers couch cushions ever get the opportunity to fluff up and breath? Motorcross Macys neighbors are gonna love living beside her and taylor. The 2am drunken games of beer pong and corn hole. Taking the ATV and dirt bikes muddin after a good rain fall. I’m sure those two will drive up the property values.
I’m gonna get soooo many down votes but oh well: Tyler and Cate are going to end up divorced soon. I say that all the time, but once he gets a taste of what it’s like to be a young, single male, he won’t want to let that feeling go. Plus, it doesn’t help that Cate has let herself go in the looks department, doesn’t take care of herself mentally or emotionally, and seemingly drags the entire marriage down the drain.
She’s unattractive, mopey, whiney, dramatic, a heavy smoker, lazy, no ambition, etc. She looks like she isn’t very hygenic either. She’s like a heavier version of April. It’s so obvious Tyler wants out and his mom wants the same for him. She seems to pity their relationship more than anything. Not that Tyler doesn’t have his flaws, but… meh.
Maci- ugh! I wish I would’ve just gotten knocked up in high school and applied for this show! I probably would’ve been chosen and been living the dream: millionaire, huge house, debt free. *deep sigh* If only I had a time machine.
Not only would you have a nice house debt-free if you were knocked up as a teen, you’d also have a purple customized Jeep!
Lol! @lyin hustla and a Jeep has always been my dream car for forever!!!! That makes it worse ???
But what color? Barney purple like Maci’s or go bright pink Barbie Power Wheels style?
What about a circus themed room? Also part of the dream?
I’ve always wanted an all white one lmao! Sans the purple! And hell no to the circus room!
I really agree with you…and it’s hard for me to sympathize with Catelynn because she’s like a female Rob Kardashian…she has more than enough resources to get herself together, she just doesn’t want to…She’s always feeling sorry for herself, and refuses to take anyone else’s feelings into consideration, including her husbands and kids…if she keeps it up when this Tezlee is born I don’t see Tyler sticking around much longer, and I don’t blame him. It’s not fair for him or his kids to be stuck in that environment.
Lol @ “this Tezlee.” Are they really set on that name? ?
True, and I want to sympathize with Tyler, but he just shouldn’t have impregnated her in the first place (…any of the times).
@Lexii exactly! I just keep replaying in my head how traumatized Nova was when she didn’t want her mommy to leave again and how traumatized Tyler was that time she casually mentioned how she wanted to kill her self. That man was petrified and it seems she only said it to get a rise out of him. Cate makes people with true mental illness look bad. She’s a piece of work. She’s causing Nova so much childhood trauma herself and giving Tyler more than his share of it too. I’m actually rooting for Tyler to leave her at this point. I know it sounds so wrong, but if Cate was a man putting a woman through this, people would’ve called her manipulative and abusive.
Totally agree. They are only together for the show/Tyler’s fear of what Catelynn might do if he leaves (she’s had abandonment issues with him for YEARS). Plus he’s a glutton for punishment, as evidenced by what he puts up with with his father/sister. Catelynn just looks so uncomfortable in her own skin (but obviously does nothing about it). I had a hormonal issue after my first was born and gained about 30 lbs in a year, but I was so unhappy I did something about it. If Cate has issues that prevent her from basic hygiene/self-care, I completely empathize with mental illness, but she’s not treating herself effectively, so…sympathy gone.
You might be envious of Maci now, but this show won’t last forever and that mansion will eventually be foreclosed on. I actually like Maci a lot more than other people seem to, but she just doesn’t have marketable skills beyond the show, and leather-pocketed shirts are not going to pay that mortgage.
@Save Kaiser agreed! She’s got too many resources not to be taking care of herself. And kudos to you for losing 30 pounds and taking control! Regarding Maci, true! Most of these girls, with the exception of a few have not properly saved.
If Cate and Ty split I wonder if he’ll get custody of the kids. He’d probably prefer to be a free man for awhile but he made his bed. Hopefully April won’t wind up raising the girls.
I feel like Tyler would get full custody of his girls. And a judge would totally grant it too.
While I believe that Cate has trauma in her past and has anxiety….I’m so tired of them talking about it. My trauma my anxiety my trauma….oh my God! I have trauma after listening to her. They spend so much time in therapy but don’t seem to have changed at all! Amber is just as bad, she tells everyone she meets that’s she’s bi-polar. “Hi, I’m Amber and I’m bi-polar.”
When you have money and don’t have to work and face accountability for the way you are, you get people like Cate and Amber. There are plenty of us “regular folks” who don’t have access to millions that suffer from all these same conditions. But, because we have no other choice but to function as adults, we cope, we manage and we get through it. There is no luxury to sit around on the couch whining and complaining, all while collecting millions. That’s why they do it.
That, and most likely having to get up every day and go to a J.O.B. would fill their lives with some meaning, even if it’s a crappy job. I’d be a depressed basket case too if I just sat around all day gazing at my navel and thinking of the bad things in life.