Welcome back to Teen Mom 2, where the uteri work overtime, but the show’s stars well…don’t.

It’s been a few weeks since The Ashley has had time to recap this mess, so let’s jump right into it!

We kick things off  in South Dakota, where Producer Mandi and Security Guard Kevin are meeting the latest DeBoer spawn, Layne. Chelsea regales them with the tale of how Baby Layne was ripped out of her crotch by Cole. They were only at the hospital for a little while before Cole reached his girthy mitts into Chelsea’s twerp-squirter and pulled Layne out!

“He pulled her out completely,” Chelsea says. “It was terrifying. I was screaming ‘Pull her out! Pull her out!'”

Well, that’s a mental image that I’ll never get out of my head: Chelsea screaming while a baby dangles from her lady garden and Cole is down there grabbing on various nether parts.

Producer Mandi somehow manages to keep her lunch down as she listen to the DeBoers’ baby-yankin’ tales. 

Chelsea reports that Cole cried the entire day. Cole says that he was crying because he was thinking about Aubree and Watson meeting the baby, but I think this dude was actually just traumatized by having to play tug-o-war with Chelsea’s vagina to get his kid.

Next, we head on down to the holler to check in with Leah, who has dragged out the measurin’ stick and is fixin’ to fix up a room in her house that was damaged by the flood! 

She’s excited because Jeremy is finally coming home after being on the road for months, and Addie is excited to see him. Jerm arrives and shovels Addie into his truck and is peppering her with questions about “her words.” (We all know that Jeremy is quite the master of the English language, so this is no surprise.) 

“What about them words?” he asked Addie, who is not interested in talking about her schoolwork. 

“I know whiz!” Addie proudly proclaims.

Jeremy knows that “whiz” probably isn’t one of “them words” that the school is trying to get Addie to learn. He suggests that maybe the word is “is.”

Wow…Leah sure wasn’t lying when she said that the schools in West Virginia aren’t well. 

Jeremy takes Addie down to a hair salon. (It is just called “Scissors.” I assume everything in their neck of the holler is very simply named because, well, the schools aren’t well and the folks down’er may have trouble understanding. I’m sure there’s a diner simply called “Eats” on every corner and the library is just marked “Readin.'”)

They got into “Scissors” and we see that Jeremy’s mother actually works there. She sits Jeremy down in her chair and gets ready to go to work on his head. She too, asks Addie about “them words” and again Addie reports that she has conquered the word “is.” 

Jeremy’s mom then hits poor Addie with a bombshell. She tells the kid that, although Jerm has just arrived home after months on the road, he is fixin’ to leave again real soon. She tells Addie that Jeremy will be even further away from her on this trip than he was on the last one. 

Addie’s isn’t having it, and to prove this, she simulates shooting herself in the head. Jerm tells his mom that, this time, he’ll be gone for about a month-and-a-half. His mom points out that it could be for six months next time.

(Boy, she’s just a ray of positive life, isn’t she?)

Jeremy, trying to soften the blow, tells Addie it’s time to go up to the Wal-Mart. 

We then head over to Delaware, where Kail is still keeping a safe distance from Javi and his Insta-Baby-Mama Lauren. They’re all at Lincoln’s soccer practice, and Kail is pretending that she doesn’t see Lauren standing like five feet from her, rubbing her belly like some she expects some sort of “Child Support Genie” to come out of it or something. 

Later, Javi and Lauren have a riveting conversation about Lincoln’s soccer practice, and the fact that Kail still won’t speak to Lauren.

Javi says that they don’t have time to worry about Kail’s mood swings, given that they are only about 10 weeks away from Lauren giving birth. 

“The doctor said the baby is very active!” Lauren says. (Well…so was his father right before he knocked you up, Lauren!) 

Later, Kail heads to her hair salon. (They apparently don’t have any “Scissors” up in Delaware, sadly.) Producer Patrick gets all up in her face, trying to grill her about talking to Lauren. (I mean…if Kail isn’t screaming at a baby daddy, and/or trying to claw the BeJesus out of Briana‘s face on stage, she’s just not that interesting, so I appreciate Patrick trying to get the gossip.)

Kail does not want to talk about Lauren, and makes it clear that she has no interaction with Lauren at all. She knows that, since Javi knocked Lauren up and all, she’ll have to deal with Lauren in some way forever, but she’s just not interested in paling around with her. (So…if you were hoping for a “Javi’s Baby Mamas” version of Sister Wives, it looks like you’re going to be very disappointed…)

Next, we head up to North Carolina, where Producer Kristen is chatting with Barbara. Producer Kristen wants to know why Jenelle is refusing to film. (On the last episode, the crew shut down production of the show when Jenelle dragged Lurch to Jace’s soccer game, despite him not being allowed there. The crew sprinted off so fast, you’d have thought Lurch had threatened to ride his tractor through the soccer field naked or something…)

Barb says that Jenelle thinks it’s “very haaaaahrd” to film about her life without Lurch because Lurch basically is her life. 

“She says ‘how can I film when David was fired from the show?'” Barb adds.

Producer Kristen looks SO.OVER.IT. She’s been dealing with this middle-schooler Jenelle drama for nearly a decade and is now only able to do her damn job when this unemployable primadonna decides she can break away from her Lurch-of-a-Husband long enough to film.

“So, does she want to keep doing the show or not?” an exasperated Kristen asks Barb.

“Yes, but she wants people to understand how stressful this is for her,” Barb states. 

Producer Kristen looks like she wants to quit there on the spot and go see if they’re hiring over at Scissors. 

Barb says that she thinks that Lurch tries to “put a damper” on whatever Jenelle tries to plan to have filmed. 

“He’s kinda blockin’ her but I think that’s a lot of him bein’ mad ’cause he was fired!” Barbara says.

Lurch? Bitter? I.WOULD.NOT.BELIEVE.THAT.

“Is he going to let her do the show?” Producer Kristen wonders.

Babs points out that, without Jenelle’s MTV paychecks, there won’t be any money coming into The Land. After all, it’s not like Lurch is hauling home bags of money on the regular.

“I think she knows, this is her job and he’s not workin’!” Barb says. “They have to have some kind of income comin’ in.”

Kristen and the crew retire back to their hotel rooms for the night, hoping that Jenelle will “feel like” filming the next day. Of course, Lurch may need someone to help him groom his beard hair or something, so who knows?

Finally, we head down to Florida to check in with Briana and her crew. Stella is still recovering from her emergency surgery, and Brittany is away on vacation, so Bri and Roxanne are doing their best to handle Bri’s assorted kids and baby daddies.

Roxanne calls Britt to explain what’s going on, but Britt only grunts a few times in response. (She’s probably out drinking margaritas, relaxing and throwing darts at a photo of Javi. She doesn’t have time for this crap!) 

Later, Roxanne picks up Nova and then calls Briana at the hospital. Briana tells Roxanne that Stella’s father, Long Lost Luis, hasn’t really even responded to her when she told him that his kid was in the hospital. 

Upon hearing that, Roxanne’s eyebrows go up and her eyes widened. Hold on to your high heels, guys, because the crazy is about to emerge! 

“He was just like, ‘Let me know how she is,'” Briana tells her mom.

Briana says she’s worried about Stella, and worried about Nova, who is missing her mom.

Back in The WV, Leah tells us that Jerm is already gone, back on the road for work. Addie tells Leah that her teacher asked “Who works pipes?” and that she excitedly raised her hand and said “My dad.” 

(My guess is there are probably a lot of kids down’er who have dads who “work pipes”…although they may not be the same kind of pipes Jerm works with…)

Anyway, Leah tries to get Addie to open up about missing her dad. (Luckily, this time around she didn’t make Addie recite any weird ‘Live Your Standard’ poems or anything.) Addie calls Jeremy at work, but tells Leah that she misses seeing him. 

The next day, Leah is still upset that Addie’s upset about Jeremy’s absence. She decides to go over to her boyfriend Jason‘s house and discuss the issue with him. (Addie is over at Leah’s sister Victoria‘s house, probably happily munching on sugar packets, so she can’t hear the conversation.)

Leah says that even when Jeremy is gone, he doesn’t put enough effort into talking to Addie. Jason tells Leah that Jeremy’s frequent absences are going to affect Addie later in life. Leah says that Addie gets really upset when Aleeah and Addie go see their dad, Corey Tyler, and her own dad is M.I.A. 

Jason admits he knows nothing about Jeremy. However, that doesn’t stop him from basically making Jerm seem like a total dick for working so much. He does his best to sound smart but….he did get his learnin’ from those unwell West Virginia schools so he basically makes no sense. 

“I wouldn’t want any man to feel like they’ve abandoned their child in some way,” Jason says. 

Um…?

Leah points out that Jeremy has to work.

“Working? Who cares?” he adds.

Well…with that mindset ol’ Jason will fit right in with most of the other ‘Teen Mom’ dads!

Jason says that, even if he worked on the moon (Um?), if his space exploration came between him and his kid, he’d quit his job.

“There’s jobs everywhere!” Jason argues. 

Leah knows that Jeremy can’t quit his job. (Hey, not everyone can be an astronaut!) She says that she just wishes Jeremy would FaceTime Addie more.

She adds that she isn’t fixin’ to fight with Jerm about this, because she doesn’t want him to get upset. 

(Yes. Clearly, the best way to avoid getting Jeremy upset is not to talk to him about it personally, and instead discuss his crappy fathering skills with your new boyfriend ON NATIONAL TV.)

Back in South Dakota, Chelsea has a car full of screaming kids. Watson and Layne are both having meltdowns as Chelsea picks up Aubree from school. 

The misery continues when they get home, because Watson has surgery scheduled for the next day. He has to get tubes put into his ears because he’s been getting so many ear infections. Cole is having a hard time accepting that Watson has to go under the knife. 

The next morning, Watson goes to have his surgery and, since there’s really nothing funny about a kid getting his ears cut open, let’s skip right on past this part…(Watson makes it through the surgery just fine, by the way.)

We head back to Delaware, where Kail is telling Producer Patrick about her recent trip to Dallas, where she met up with her sister McKaila. (Yes, that is how she spells her name and, yes, her name does contain the name ‘Kail,’ which is strange.)

During their visit, McKaila shared that she is pregnant. (I mean…of course she is. This is ‘Teen Mom,’ after all.)

Kail says that, short of her absentee mother Smirinoff Suzi and her deadbeat dad (who is probably still guarding his “meat fridge” that he had during Kail’s 16 and Pregnant episode), McKaila is basically the only real family that she has. Kail decides to throw her a baby shower. Although they didn’t grow up together, Kail wants to be close to McKaila.

“I get upset thinking about my boys not knowing anyone on my side of the family,” Kail says. 

Later, Kail talks to McKaila on the phone to get some baby shower details taken care of. McKaila says she wants a cactus-themed brunch (as one does…).

Kail tells her sister that she’s so excited that she’s allowing her to help plan the shower. 

Well… you are the one with all that MTV money, Kail… If you don’t help plan/pay for the shower, this poor girl’s going to be looking at a bunch of random people feasting on generic hot dogs and “Soda” brand sodas.

Meanwhile, back in Florida, Roxanne is taking her over to Devoin‘s apartment for the first time. On the drive over there, Roxanne commends Nova for being so supportive and nice during the family’s hard time, which is actually really sweet and thoughtful of Roxanne to do.

They head into Devoin’s apartment, where his friend who is named (what else?) Dre is sitting on the kitchen counter. Roxanne sits down and tries to make small talk with Devoin and Dre. When Roxi mentions that the apartment is a ‘bachelor’s pad’ Dre immediately responds that he’s “not a single man.”

Wait….did he think Roxi was trying to hit on him or something? Take it down a notch, Dre. 

Devoin asks if Luis has helped Briana at the hospital and Roxanne informs him on Luis’ deadbeat-ness. 

“I hope their relationship will get to where yours and her relationship is someday,” Roxanne tells Devoin.

Yeah…but that took awhile. You were trying to beat him with red high heels and throwing flower pots at his head for years before things became this civil, Roxi. 

Ahhh, those were the days…

Finally, we head down to North Carolina one last time. Jenelle has apparently realized that she will have to show her mug for the cameras at least once if she wants to keep cashing those checks, so she “agrees” to film with Barbara and Jace. (‘Member him!?) 

As per usual, Barb and Jenelle sit in some random park. Producer Kristen basically runs up to Jenelle, trying to talk about the Lurch Saga.

“This show just keeps giving me a bad rap,” Jenelle says.

Well…to be fair your 16-page rap sheet kind of helped with that, Jenelle…

“I WANT SOME F**KING RESPECT, DUDE!” Jenelle yells.

(No seriously, she really did say that. That’s not a made-up quote.)

Producer Kristen manages to restrain herself from collapsing in giggles. She stays professional and asks Jenelle why she feels disrespected.

Jenelle explains that she doesn’t trust people and that, once she doesn’t trust you, she won’t talk to you. 

“That’s why I don’t talk to Nathan, that’s why I don’t talk to [Trashbag] Tori!” she cries. 

Jenelle says that no one knows anything about her, and they only believe what they read online about her or see on the show. 

“They don’t even know my favorite food anymore!” Jenelle declares.

(We may not know your favorite food, Jenelle, but I’ll bet your favorite drink is whine.) 

“This will probably be my last season because I realize I don’t need MTV! I have a lot of other s**t I’m working on!” Jenelle yells. “I need myself, because I’m the only one who’s important here.”

(Soooo….business as usual…)

Barb is just sitting there, chewing on her own tongue so that she doesn’t say anything to piss off Jenelle.

“I finally have someone who supports me and I can’t bring them?” Jenelle tearfully cries. “You guys shut me out from everything? Fine, don’t talk to me because I’m DONE!” 

(That last part was reminiscent of the great Amber Portwood, eh?) 

Until next time…

To read The Ashley’s other ‘Teen Mom 2’ recaps, click here!

(Photos: MTV)