Note: The Ashley is going to recap the final episodes of this season of ‘Sister Wives, to make up for not recapping the earlier episodes! Here’s last week’s episode, and this week’s will be posted very soon! 

With no Duggar candle-making to recap this week, The Ashley has decided to turn her recapping efforts to the poor, neglected show that is Sister Wives!

The Ashley is very aware that she has not recapped any of the episodes that have aired so far this season, but let’s go ahead and check in with Kody Brown and his cornucopia of unhappy wives, shall we?

So far this season, the Browns are preparing to move from Satan’s Sin Box (aka Las Vegas) to Flagstaff, Arizona. No one is happy about the move, but, as per usual, Kody tells them all to go kick rocks. Kody wants to build one big home to house all of his unhappy wives in, but said unhappy wives are, of course, unhappy about that idea.

“It’s never.going.to.happen,” Christine declared in a previous episode.

Of course what Kody heard her say was: “If you build it, we will come.”

“My wives struggle with the idea of moving into one home,” he tells us. “But I feel like they just haven’t seen the right home!” 

Anyone wanna take bets as to which wife will be the first to strangle Kody with his own straggly locks? Normally, I would say Meri but I think my money’s going to be on Christine. She’s pretty scrappy.

So that brings us up to speed! Let’s begin…

This episode kicks off at Christine’s Vegas abode, where Kody is busy shellacking his mane with Scrunch-n-Go hair gel. He demands that Christine whip him up some breakfast, and she obliges. Kody wants his Seahaggish hair to look extra special today because his brothers are coming into town! 

Kody is taking his brothers to Arizona, so that he can show them a property he may want to force his unhappy family to live in. Kody (wearing a stretchy headband…natch) is telling Christine that he hopes more “people they know” (i.e. his family) fall in love with Flagstaff. He wants to build a community of Kody followers out there, apparently.

“Everybody we know needs to come visit Flagstaff and see the dream that we’ve seen!” Kody declares, as Christine looks around the room (most likely trying to find something to hit him with).

Christine tells Kody’s brothers that they all have rental houses in Flagstaff right now, except for her because she is buying a place.

Kody then tells us that he is sneaking away from the Cul-de-Sac of Broken Dreams to meet up with a home designer. None of the wives no about this “secret,” though.

Kody’s brother Michael is talking about wanting a second wife. He’s seen how Kody bosses the Brown women around and has decided he wants some of that action for himself.

He tells us that he and his wife have not felt “a pull toward a particular person” yet. (Honestly, I’m sure any of Kody’s four wives would jump at the chance to leave Kody and his mangy mop behind and marry this dude.) 

Michael starts talking about wives like they’re pet goldfish.

“Once you get one, it’s easier to get two, and then easier to get three!” he says. 

Oh, he seems lovely…we can definitely tell he’s related to Kody! 

We then get some insight into Kody and Christine’s twisted relationship, as Kody brags that he bagged Christine by talking about his first wife Meri. (He, of course, makes no mention of his second wife, Janelle, whom he was married to during that time.) 

He then seems to catch himself and gives ol’ Janelle a pity mention.

“It worked with Robyn, too,” Kody said. “All I did was talk about Meri, Janelle and Christine to her.”

A producer points out just how creepy this is but, surprisingly, Christine is not offended. In fact, she’s turned on.

We then flash to all the wives sitting on the couch, discussing this very topic. (Meri has her trusty perma-scowl all over her face, looking like she’s trying not to throw up her lunch at the mention of Kody’s name.) 

The other Sister Wives all giggle about how hot they think it is when they hear Kody saying nice things about his other wives. 

Yeah…I don’t get it either.

We flash back to the kitchen, where Kody is doing some sort of overly dramatic mime-ing to his brother, whisper-shrieking that he has an appointment in Flagstaff and they’ve got to get out of there— now! (Literally the photo below doesn’t even fully capture how ridiculous Kody’s miming/arm flapping actually was…)

Kody’s brother looks understandably terrified (but keeps on eatin’ his pancakes). Kody is literally running around the kitchen— manbun boppin’ in the breeze— and randomly looking at his watch, opening his mouth awkwardly and pointing at things…all while his brother is just chompin’ down on his Mrs. Butterworth’s.

Christine, who is used to this nonsense from Kody, is just puttering around the kitchen, totally ignoring that her husband is doing air traffic controller moves nearby.

Kody is literally the worst (just in general, but also at keeping secrets). He starts talking about how Flagstaff is only four hours away (wink, wink). 

Kody & Ko. then hit the road. Kody tells us all about his plan to trick his wives into living in one giant house, despite the fact that all four unhappy wives have expressed numerous times that they will be even more unhappy if Kody forces them to shack up in one big Polygy Palace.

“The biggest benefit to everyone living together is the access we have to everybody,” Kody tells us. Basically he’s saying that it will be easier for him if he just has to go across the hall to play pickle-tickle with Christine and Robyn every other night, rather than across town. (I mean…we all know Janelle and Meri aren’t gettin’ any…)

Kody tells us that this is the last time he plans to uproot his entire family based on one of his random whims, and spend hundreds of thousands of dollars to build them their dream homes.

Sure, Jan…

“So I just want to do it right,” he says.

They arrive in Prescott Valley, Arizona, and one of the brothers has no clue why the hell Kody has just kidnapped him and taken him hours away from their original destination. They pull up at a house and Kody still refuses to tell the brother why they’re there.

They meet with Draftsman Dawn, who unveils Kody’s grand plan to build his Polygy Palace out in the middle of Arizona. 

“I’m just about to open a present,” Kody tells us. “Because I don’t know what I’m gonna get.”

Um…yeah you do, Kody. You are the one who arranged the meeting, set forth plans to build a jumbo house and called up all these knuckleheads to film it. 

Draftsman Dawn rolls out the blueprints for the giant house, as Kody stands on the sidelines, randomly opening and closing his mouth. He congratulates himself on a job well done…even though he literally didn’t do anything.

“My first reaction is…we nailed it!” he tells us.

Meanwhile, the producers are trying to get the wives to talk about how much they would hate living in one big house.

Robyn, of course, already knows about Kody’s plans to build a giant house (because she’s his favorite) but she’s playing dumb. Christine says she actually wouldn’t mind living in one big house again as long as the bedrooms are far apart. (She doesn’t want to have to listen to Kody banging Robyn on the regular, apparently…)

Meri and Janelle look like they would rather drive ice picks into their own eyes rather than be locked up, four wives deep, in Kody’s Flagstaff Fortress! 

Back at the draftsman’s meeting, Kody is busy trying to sound smart.

“I can tell by each wife’s name, you’ve got their own quarters,” he says, proving that he can at least identify all of his wives’ names. 

Kody asks for his brothers’ approval, asking, “Am I nailing this or what?”

The bald brother doesn’t skip a beat in letting Kody know that he is essentially useless and Dawn is the only one accomplishing anything.

“No, she’s nailing it” the brother tells Kody. 

Kody tells us that the house has got to be beautiful enough for his wives to want it. (Um…they married Kody. Clearly their standards of beauty are pretty damn low!) 

Kody tells us that he’s sold…on his own idea…but he is worried his wives will fail to see how great his genius plan is. 

Back at the Cul-De-Sac, it’s now two weeks until the move date and all of the kids are still resistant to the move. Robyn and Christine are busy packing up their homes so they can scurry off and fulfill Kody’s dreams. Janelle is refusing to pack, stating that she’s basically in denial that she is actually going to be forced to leave her home in order to give into one of Kody’s random whims. 

As for Meri, she’s not concerned with Kody’s moving shenanigans. In fact, she tells the Sister Wives that she will not be moving or packing up her leggings inventory until after she helps her daughter, Mariah, move to Chicago.

Kody tells the Sister Wives that he will be spending the weekend dashing from one wife’s house to the next, “helping” (aka making one of the background kids do whatever work he is asked to do). Meri legit refused to even look Kody’s way while they sit on the confessional couch and he says this. 

MERI.IS.OVER.IT.

Some of the kids are especially upset about the move. Kody and Christine discuss how upset the kids were about the last move (to Las Vegas) and how much emotional havoc it caused the family.

They talk about how Paedon, then about 10, was told he couldn’t take all of his toys with him to Vegas because they “didn’t have time and had to take only what was essential.”

Um…why do these people always act like they escaped the Nazis in the dead of night when they moved to Vegas? They act like they were driven from their home by order of the Fuhrer or something.

And…why the hell couldn’t they load up all of the kid’s toys? My guess is that Kody was just too cheap to spring for the extra-large U-Haul.

Kody says it’s painful to think of how the cross-state move was so hard on his kids and legit devastated some of them…right before he talks about how he’s about to do it again when he makes the family move to Flagstaff.

Sorry, kids, but Kody gets what Kody wants. 

The next day, Kody is in full-Fraggle form– complete with sweatband– and is moving furniture into trucks. With every dresser he loads, he’s getting closer and closer to his giant Flagstaff Fortress and he can’t wait!

Of course, though, everyone else in the family is (as per usual) miserable.

Gabe says he doesn’t want to move to Flagstaff…unless Kody buys him a motorcycle. Kody makes some dumb joke about it and this causes Gabe to stomp out in protest. Kody gets mad and doesn’t understand why his son won’t just put on a happy face and move away from his high school and friends just because his dad got a new idea. Go figure.

Meanwhile, Mariah (and her Groucho Marx brows) tells Meri that she and her girlfriend Audrey no longer require Meri’s “help” (aka constant scowling) with their move to Chicago. Audrey’s mom is going to help instead and Meri is devastated!

Audrey insists that they’re booting Meri from the plan for her own good, since she still has a whole household, wet bar and leggings warehouse to pack up. Meri is upset, so this provokes another snot- and tear-filled cameo from her, talking about how she wishes someone actually needed her. 

Audrey and Mariah tell Meri that they’re doing this out of love, but Meri feels like she’s being punished. Audrey suggests that they can still take a road trip to Chicago with Meri, since it’s only a 24-hour drive there from Vegas. As Audrey says that, Mariah looks like she’s been hit with a stun gun. 

She basically says that being jammed into a Honda Civic with Meri (and her complaining and tellings of the “Catfish Caper” story) will likely cause her to voluntarily drive off a cliff. 

Kody is happy that Meri’s not allowed to go to Chicago. He needs all the workhorses he can get with this move! 

Janelle, meanwhile, is in packing hell. She tells us that she’s seriously considering getting rid of everything she has.

Um…great idea! Start with Kody!

Robyn tells Kody that she’s not moving again once they settle in Flagstaff. Kody doesn’t make any promises, and that makes Robyn nervous that she and the rest of the Sister Wives (and whichever kids are still talking to them at that point) will be gypsying across the US of A for the rest of their sad lives!

Christine reminds Kody that they still don’t have everything in order to buy their house in Flagstaff, so there’s a chance that they could 1) lose a bunch of money and 2) be living in tents on the parcel of land Kody bought, because Doofus can’t find time to go to the bank and get his finances in order. 

Kody talks to a bunch of the kids, and all of them tell him they don’t want to move to Flagstaff, and they definitely don’t want to go if they’re going to be homeless.

Kody calls the kids’ feelings of not wanting to move “BS drama” and Christine assures the kids that their feelings are actually valid. He’s mad that his soldiers aren’t falling into line and marching their way to the Flagstaff Fortress like they were told to do. Kody is actually mad because he knows that if Gabe stays mad about the move, he won’t do as much manual moving labor as Kody had planned for him to do. 

LOVELY.

That’s all for this episode! To read our other reality TV recaps, click here! 

(Photos: TLC)