Toss back a whole box of wine and throw inhibition and self respect out the window… it’s time for another episode of Teen Mom 2!

This week’s episode kicks off with Kail picking up Lux and Lincoln from daycare—the latter of whom isn’t too thrilled to be filming for the show. (He did not want to film but thankfully he didn’t go “all Jenelle” on the camera, refuse to film and scream “Leave me alooone!”)

Kail tells Lincoln that they will be celebrating Issac’s birthday later that day, along with Jo and Vee, who are fresh off of Kail’s hit list (at least for this scene…)

Before the celebration, we check in with the couple as they discuss the recent child support discussion they had with Kail. Jo and Vee admit they were both surprised that Kail brought the elusive (and oh-so-eloquent) Chris with her. Jo is even more shocked that Chris ended up siding with him on most of the issues instead of siding with Kail. (Anyone else think Chris may have realized he was getting a glimpse into his future?)

“Why did she even bring him? He’s obviously on Jo’s side!” Vee snorts.

Jo said that, because Chris and Vee were present, Kail was forced to listen to him and not get crazy.

(He also legit says “There were witnesses!” I think that’s nice.)

Vee tells Jo that his tactic to get his money was drastic, and that if she were in Kail’s shoes, “I would’ve f**ked you up.”

Jo tells her he “would’ve liked it.”

BRB— must go upchuck my lunch at the thought of Jo and Vee gettin’ rough in the sack. Knowing that Jo has had sex at least two times in his life is hard enough to stomach, but picturing him getting roughed up by Vee is just too much.

Back at Kail’s house, some decorations are strewn (and kids are running around everywhere). Becky (still rocking that fashionable white hair) arrives to help blow up birthday balloons/listen to Kail bitch.  Becky is surprised– but relieved— to hear that Kail made up with Jo and Vee, but is skeptical that Kail has really called truce and is not planning some sort of sneak attack or something.

Down in Florida, Brittany and Roxanne are playing hide-n-go-seek with Stella (which isn’t much of a challenge, considering they’re playing in an apartment that’s already stacked to the ceiling with toys, furniture, baby daddies and other assorted people.)

Briana meets up with her friend “Shirley” (who, may I point out, has maintained her Dr. Miami body swap quite nicely). They’re basically there to rag on Luis and his poor attempts at fatherhood. Briana says that not much has changed, even though Luis is now lurking around her zip code.

She mentions that Luis met up with her and Stella at the park, terrified the kid so badly that she pretty much filled up a whole diaper on the spot, and then disappeared again. (To be fair, Stella– and her Pampers–are probably happy for his absence.)

In an attempt to find the silver lining in this mess of a situation, “Shirley” points out to Briana that at least Devoin is stepping up. Briana tells her that Devoin is a half-ass parent too (although he at least knows better than to make those terrifying faces Luis was making at Stella.)

Despite his shortcomings, Briana says she plans to enlist Devoin’s help in getting Nova to and from “ginn-astics” while she’s in New York for her boyfriend John’s “birrfday.”

(Hopefully Devoin has some sort of punch card with his favorite Uber driver, otherwise this week of babysitting his own daughter is going to get expensive real fast.)

Briana tells “Shirley” she’s ready for John to meet Nova and Stella, but we’re far more interested in watching John meet Brittany, her big mouth and her crop top. (Meanwhile, Roxanne is probably devoting an hour or so a day to sharpening the stilettos of her favorite red heels….you know, just in case she doesn’t care for John.)

Later, Briana lands in New York and is greeted by John, who, according to Briana, is “almost 30” now that he’s 27. (Umm…?) 

We next head over to West Virginia. Now that Leah has her dang ol’ carpet fixed up, she and the girlses have been squatting at Jason’s house a little less. However, Leah still hustles the girlseseses over to Jason’s pad so she can get herself a lil’ pickle tickle when she needs it. 

Leah tells us that living with Jason has brought her and the girlseses and Jason “closer together.”

Leah– who is wearing a “candy raver circa 1999” necklace for some reason, chats with her sister Victoria about the wonderfulness that is Jason.

While holding her baby niece Cerenity (those unwell schools strike again!), Leah says the gosh-dern weather may force her and the girlseseses to pack up their goods and crash with Jason for a bit… but just for safety reasons, y’all!

“The girlseses, they love staying there!” Leah insists, despite the fact that both Ali and Victoria are giving her the stink eye. 

“They love stayin’ there! They tried to take all their stuff there!” Leah says.

Meanwhile, Ali is totally silent, although her face alone tells us she’s clearly not a fan of shackin’ up with Mama at Jason’s place.

The next day Leah decides it’s time for her to get on some birth control instead of having to pick up Plan B on the reg. Armed with her box of Donettes (that she must have somehow strong-armed away from Addie) and a can of Mountain Dew, Leah “stands in her power” and takes control of her fertility!

Before heading to the doctor, Leah calls up her friend Kylie to tell her that lately she’s been using Plan B “as needed.”

UM…?!?

She says she’s scared to try those dern birth control pills again, because if she misses a day, she could end up with another baby (or two!) and she’s not ready for that. Leah says although she’s not looking to add to her brood of Lunchable eaters at the moment, she’s open to the idea down the (probably dirt) road.

Over in South Dakota, Chelsea is telling friend Tyler about her latest venture into the world of diaper-bag designing. The next day, we see Cole and Chelsea meet with the a company’s designers to pick out which combinations of flannel, hunter green and wildlife-print they like the best. 

Their first “collab” with the company will be a “Boss Backpack”…whatever the hell that means…

While this is all well and good…there are people lighting crap on fire and making death threats on this show so let’s move right along to something more trashy…

Speaking of the ‘Teen Mom 2’ resident pyromaniac, it’s time to check in with Jenelle. In the wake of her “peace gathering” bonfire on The Land, Jenelle is getting a lot of hate online and it’s totally stressing her out, dude.

(Did anyone catch The Ashley‘s tweet appearing in this scene?! Was anyone else excited about it? Just me? OK…)

Because of this, Jenelle and Barb decide to take a trip to Atlanta to de-stress/give the producers a backdrop other than that random park they keep filming in.

Jenelle tells Barb that David was “kinda upset” that she was going on a girl’s weekend with her mom, and that this trip will be the longest she’s been away from David’s grip since they’ve been together. Jenelle says that David warned her not to “pick up any dudes.”

Um…I don’t think that line to date Jenelle is forming any time soon, Dave. You’re probably safe. She’s all yours.

Jenelle and Barb arrive at their (very lived-in) weekend rental apartment and lament on the days they didn’t get along with each other. Barb says “it’s fabulous” that she and Jenelle are on good terms and finally have some free time together.

“We’ve never been on a trip alone because Jace was always there!” Barb cackles. (Jenelle seems to just remember at that moment that Jace actually exists.)

“Oh, yeah!” Jenelle replies.

Jenelle says that she and Barbara have just “had their own things going on” since she was pregnant with Jace (which was ALMOST TEN YEARS AGO!). 

“Or I was going through a bad time,” Jenelle says.

Or, you know, Barb was shoveling your Forever 21 tank tops into laundry baskets and throwing them out onto the front lawn screaming “GET OUT! GET OUT!” after she saw ya wif Kieffer but, you know, whatever…

Next, Jenelle starts talking about Kail and how obsessed she is with gossiping about The Land dwellers on her podcast.

“I just want to live a more private life a little bit like, damn,” Jenelle says, completely ignoring the fact that she has a camera crew four feet in front of her.

Back in West Virginia, Leah and Jason (who clearly had nothing better to do) are at the gynecologist’s office talking about birth control options with a seemingly very nervous doctor. (Apparently this is the first time a teen mom reality TV star wants to talk about her vagina on-camera with him. Go figure.)

The Doc tells Leah that she has a uterine anomaly called a “bicornuate uterus” which makes it hard for her to get an IUD.

The Doc then suggests Leah get a “rod in her arm” to help protect her from having more girlseseses. Leah says she’s afraid to get one of them rods because she’s scared she’ll pick at it.”

UMMMM!?!?!?!?!

Even the doctor is confused as to why Leah would be pickin’ at her arm rod. (I mean…this is West Virginia, though, where face pickin’ and meth usin’ is basically the state’s official pastime so maybe that’s it?)

Leah and Jason leave the doctor’s office and go back to his place to (probably bang the hell out of her bicornuate uterus) and discuss birth control options. Leah says she’s bummed the doctor couldn’t fix her up with an IUD.

“It lastededed for a long time!” Leah says.

Those schools….so unwell…

Back in Delaware, It’s time for Isaac’s birthday celebration to get underway. Jo, Vee and Vivi  arrive to celebrate with them and while sitting on the couch trying to made small talk, the producer forces the group (well, Kail and Jo) to relive what they were doing nine years ago that day.

“Kail was pushing out a child,” Jo says. (And, of course, we were given the gift that is the classic Kail quote, “Hold my foot Jo!”) 

“It was agonizing!” Jo remembers of that foot-holding moment.

We’re then hit with some flashbacks from Issac’s birth—luckily not from Jo’s mom’s video, which Kail reveals was a “crotch shot.”

After talking about how painful Issac’s birth was for Kail and everyone whose hand she held that day, Jo brags that he saw Isaac’s penis first.

Nope…nothing creepy or awkward about this conversation at all…

The group gathers around Isaac to sing happy birthday, unfortunately without a beat from former-rapper Jo.

Back in Atlanta, BFFs Jenelle and Barb head out to shop for berets, Spanx and other goodies…as you do. Afterwards, the two head back to the rental and bust out the wine, which, much to Barb’s dismay, comes in a bottle and not “with a spout” the way she prefers.

Barb restrains herself and drinks the wine from a glass, rather than right from the bottle as she normally would. Jenelle chooses to drink the “more classier” beer.

A little while later, Jenelle and Barb decide to jump on Instagram Live to share all the fun they’re having in Hotlanta with Jenelle’s followers. It’s a science experiment, really, because Jenelle says that Barb simply wants to know how the “InstaBook Face” works.

As the wine flows and the Instagram camera rolls, Barbs treats viewers to some dancing, a Saturday Night Live intro and even learns what “YOLO” means, courtesy of Jenelle and her classy collarbone tat.

Eventually, Jenelle adds Brittany DeJesus to the chat and the three of them talk about plans for the next time they’re all together. The girls suggest they all go out drinking, to which Barb adds, “and then we’ll all get lit and we’ll go kill Kail.”

(See kids, this is what happens when you start hanging out with people from The Land.)

Soon after, Barb gets a call from a very unhappy Producer Kristen who tells Barb she needs to apologize for the comment she made about Kail. She explains that you can’t threaten to kill people on the InstaBook Face because literally thousands of people just witnessed it. During Barb’s stern talking-to, Jenelle keeps the Instagram Live video rolling and laughs off the situation through slurred words. The whole thing is a mess, much like Jenelle and everyone she associates herself with.

Eventually Barb rejoins the video and says people took her comment “out of prospective.” She goes on to say that she was only “doin’ a joke,” and Jenelle tries to blame the incident on her mom being part of the “older generation.” She says people can’t appreciate something like a lighthearted death threat.

Over in West Virginia, Leah finally gets her birth control, despite her “two-horned” uterus, and has decided the Nuva Ring is the best choice for her. Of course, Victoria wants to know why she doesn’t just tie up her tubes to stop the baby-making.

Leah says she’s keeping her options open, which frankly isn’t a bad idea. After all, you don’t know when you might need a better story line in the future. As long as Leah chooses another pregnancy over revisiting that whole motivational speaking thing, we’re on board.

Back in Delaware, Producer Kristen visits Kail to do some damage control after Barb and Jenelle’s “Instagram Live fiasco.” Kail admits that she doesn’t actually think Barb is going to stalk her and kill her in the dead of night, with Jenelle, Brittany DeJesus and a box of wine in tow, but she’s still pissed off that the show’s producers are allowing cast members to death-threat each other and whatnot.

Kail says that an apology from Barb (or her “bitch-of-a-daughta”) is never going to happen, and would be meaningless anyway. Producer Kristen looks like she’s ready to go down to North Carolina and hit Barb with a box of wine herself for stirring up some much trouble for her!

Down in Florida, Devoin is “taking care of” Nova, which consists of Nova telling him to wash his hands and making sure he stays off of Brittany’s favorite couch cushion. Briana Face-Times Nova to ensure she is still alive and has all of her limbs.

Meanwhile in New York, Briana puts John’s friends to work decorating a hotel room while she (AKA MTV) treats him to a birrfday dinner. Over dinner, Briana tells John she likes the pace they’re moving at and the next step is for him to meet her family. John tells Briana he’s nervous about meeting her mom. (Roxanne has been known to terrify a degenerate boyfriend over the years, after all.)

Bri tells John she happy to have a real relationship, because all her other relationships have been “flings.” (I’m not sure you could label “getting banged in ‘da club’ bathroom by some random dude and getting knocked up” a “fling” but whatever gets ya through the night, Bri!)

After dinner, John and Briana walk into the hotel to find John’s friends waiting to surprise him/score their 15 minutes of fame.

Back in Atlanta, Barb and Jenelle are still in disbelief over the fallout they received from their video. Barb is especially confused by the backlash. She says she tells Jace she’s going to kill him all the time and he gets it.

I think that’s nice…

Jenelle agrees with Barb that the comment was made “in a funny tone.” They both decide Kail is just jealous of them and the wonderful mother-daughter bond that they have… all two weeks of it.

Until next time!

To read The Ashley’s other ‘Teen Mom 2’ recaps, click here!

(Photos: MTV)