If you’ve found yourself craving the entertainment of happy, loving, definitely-not-doomed couples/families lately, well… this isn’t it.

However, if you’re anything like us and love a good train wreck more than life itself then climb aboard, because 90 Day Fiancé: Happily Ever After? is back with a full two hours of so-bad-it’s-almost-good TV! 

In the spirit of this show, let’s not waste any time and jump right in! 

First we head to Las Vegas (in the aftermath of Colt’s mom Debbie losing her cool) to find Larissa leaving the house the same way she’ll be leaving her marriage soon. Larissa tells producers she wants them to interview her in the back of van (totally normal) because she’s deathly afraid of Colt and Debbie hearing her talk trash about them. 

Given Larissa’s ongoing legal issues, she feels like Colt has control of her fate and unfortunately for her, he has dear old mom in his ear rooting against her. Back inside, Colt and Debbie agree that Larissa is mean to both of them, but their vent sesh is put on hold when Larissa exits the van confessional and heads back inside the house, blowing right by both of them as she sashays her way up the stairs. 

Colt says there’s a constant feel of dread in his house in addition to some lingering kitty litter odors) and he’s worried if he doesn’t mediate the issues between the two women in his life, he’ll end up living in that mini van!

Next we visit Nicole, Azan (via video chat) and Nicole’s daughter May. Since returning to the U.S., Nicole has been living with her siblings. Even though she’s spending quality time with her daughter, she says she’d rather be back in Morocco cuddling with Azan. While May is on the playground, Nicole FaceTimes Azan to tell him how sweaty she is and also that she wants to go on vacation with him. Well who could turn down a getaway after a lead in like that?!

Nicole fires up the ol’ Google machine and starts looking for countries Azan can travel to without a visa. Google suggests Grenada. (Nicole was probably surprised to learn taht Grenada wasn’t one of the “53” United States!)

Nicole is stoked about going to Grenada because the country’s lax rules will allow them to share a hotel room and make out on the beach—extra curricular activities that Azan tries his best to sound excited about. (Poor Azan better pack a big ol’ shovel in his carry on if he wants to bury himself in the sand so a smooch-seekin’ Nicole won’t be able to find him!) 

Nicole then reveals that May would be coming along with them on the trip, which makes her excitement about piling on the PDA even more cringy. 

Our next stop is Savannah, where Chantel is being subjected to the some passenger-seat driving, courtesy of Pedro. The couple made this trip to Savannah to explore the possibility of moving there due to Pedro’s inability to play nice with The Family Chantel.

Despite the good intentions, Chantel says the trip didn’t go well and she’s still harboring some ill feelings about Pedro’s most recent antics at The Chicken Dinner From Hell last season. (As you may remember, a nice poultry meal with The Family Pedro and The Family Chantel ended with weaves bein’ snatched, brothers being bit and food being thrown.) 

“Pedro is not taking any responsibility for attacking my brother and kicking over our dinner table,” Chantel says, as if these are normal things for an adult human person to do. 

Like Chantel, Pedro agrees that moving to Savannah isn’t the right decision, though neither of them can agree on a solution to make everyone get along. Pedro says he wants to go home to the Dominican Republic to see his family and possibly kick their tables over, too, and Chantel worries that if Pedro leaves, he won’t come back. 

During the drive, Chantel’s mom calls to tell the couple over speakerphone that the family is excited to have them both at Thanksgiving dinner, while peppering in some Spanish words for good measure. Instead of agreeing to attend, Pedro decides to sit quietly, forcing Chantel to lie and tell her mom Pedro is snoozing in the car. 

Pedro is confused by the invite to dine with The Family Chantel, as the last time he showed up to a family function, his turkey was served with a side of an immigration call and an angry mother whipping his sister’s weave back and forth. 

Meanwhile, Elizabeth and Andrei head to the doctor to find out the gender of their baby. Elizabeth hoped that her sisters and mom would be joining them at the appointment, but because Andrei still doesn’t have a J-O-B, she thought it best for them to be M-I-A. 

Elizabeth and Andrei find out they’re having a girl and Andrei is already ready to lay down some strict rules for his future daughter, which he’ll have plenty of time to draft up, print and laminate with all the free time on his hands. 

Back in Sin City, Colt and Debbie ditch Larissa for a mother-son date night that frankly, Colt is just a little too excited about. Colt says having a wife has really thrown a wrench in he and his mom’s time together which…isn’t, um, creepy at all…

Cole refers to his time with Larissa as “the dark times,” which causes his mom to nearly spit out her house margarita out of sheer joy. 

Colt says even through “the dark times,” he loves Larissa and wishes she and Debbie could play nice. However, Debbie can’t forgive and forget, especially when it comes to Larissa’s recent flushing of her wedding rings.

Debbie says she’s “too old for this s**t,” and begins to get emotional, all up in her beer burrito plate. 

Next up we visit “90 Day Fiancé” OGs Paola and Russ as they prepare for a trip to Oklahoma to visit Russ’s family, despite Paolo’s reservations. Russ thinks his family will see Paolo’s pregnancy glow and immediately forgive her for showing too much skin (with or without body paint) back in the day, but Paola isn’t convinced.

She also thinks Russ’s family throwing her a baby shower is kind of suspect and assumes this “shower” is just a ploy to wash away any remaining body paint she might have on her. 

And speaking of suspect, we next check in with Jay and Ashley. Jay is still trying to maintain his innocence in this whole dating app debacle. Jay decides the best place to go to let out his frustration is the barber shop, where people have no choice but to listen to him because the free publicity is just too good to pass up—the same way Jay feels about girls that aren’t his wife. 

As soon as Jay hints that his marriage is on the rocks, one of the barbers immediately wants to know what Jay did wrong. Jay proceeds to explain how he stumbled upon this mysterious app when he was bored one day, but assures the guys he was only trying to “meet new friends.” 

Jay explains that being a ladies man is genetic and he can’t really help that. The guys at the barbershop recommend that Jay find a hobby that doesn’t involve hitting on strangers of the opposite sex, like possibly getting a job, but he tells them he can’t start working until Ashley files the papers for his green card, which she has yet to do because she’s still angry. 

Damn those player genes! 

Meanwhile, Nicole is desperately trying to find a way to raise money to pay for her makeout-filled vacation in Grenada. 

Armed (without) a resumé, Nicole heads to a staffing agency to find a good fit for her skills, which we soon learn are quite limited. Perplexed as to what they should do with the remaining 27 minutes set aside for this meeting, the staffing adviser decides to ask Nicole about her personal life—- because these cameras obviously aren’t following Nicole to document her climb to the top of the corporate ladder.

The adviser is impressed to hear about Nicole’s plan to move to Morocco with her elusive fiancé, but keeps it professional enough to remember to ask her if she plans on finding employment once she gets there. Nicole says gainful employment in Morocco is even less likely than it is in the U.S. and she tells producers that Azan isn’t really into the whole job situation himself, as he prefers to hang out with friends instead. 

Regardless of the total financial insecurity she and Azan are facing, Nicole says they need to take this trip to Grenada…and she’s willing to do whatever it takes to raise the funds to get her dreamboat to Grenada and get the on-the-beach smooching started! 

Back in Georgia, Chantel pays a visit to her brother River while he records a demo in the studio. Chantel says River actually failed to mention this recording session to her, yet she decided to crash it in the hopes of mending what Pedro has broken (in terms of their relationship and the skin on River’s cheek).

River tells Chantel he didn’t invite her to the studio because she didn’t reach out to him or the family after the big Chicken Dinner Altercation. Chantel tells River that Pedro basically gets a free pass to act like a heathen because he’s her husband, but she admits that the fight was Pedro’s fault.

River says he’s not willing to accept an apology from Pedro, but Chantel is hopeful that the holidays will bring everyone together, just not in the way they all came together the last time. River says he needs time because the damage has already been done to the family… and the family’s furniture. 

Back in Las Vegas, Larissa meets with her attorney who told her exactly what Colt told the cops the night of her arrest. Like Jay, Larissa has learned the language of denial and she’s become pretty fluent in it. Still, with her trial a few days away, Larissa is fearful of being deported. 

Colt decides to talk with his beloved wife and Larissa demands answers on why he allegedly lied about what happened the night of their fight. Colt says he still loves her but Larissa say, “love doesn’t mean putting someone in jail.”

(Surely Mama Debbie has already started doing a needlepoint with that saying on it to hang in the family’s living room!)

Colt says he regrets calling the police but the two of them just can’t seem to get on the same page. 

Larissa ends up storming off of the patio because she knows she’s on thin ice due to her arrest and if Colt pushes her any further, the cops will be making another visit to the home and may find Colt buried under a pile of kitty litter.

Over in Oklahoma, Russ and Paola have just landed at the airport. Russ can hardly wait to kick off his family mending tour. As for Paolo, she’s anxious about reuniting with the family and insists on forgoing their invite to crash on a blowup mattress and opts to stay in a hotel instead. 

While unpacking in the room, Paolo learns that this so-called baby shower does not include men, which means she’ll be left to spend the afternoon with Russ’s family alone. As if spending the afternoon with the in-law is dreadful enough for Paola, we learn that Russ has gotten a job offer that could bring the two of them back to Oklahoma. Russ decides to keep the news to himself for now.

Back in Pennsylvania, Jay’s barbershop buddies inspire him to get his act together so he decides to pick up some Chinese food for himself and Ashley on his walk home. And to show that he’s really a changed man, Jay even goes as far as to light a half-empty vanilla candle to set the mood. Nothing says “gimme some lovin'” quite like the sweet scents of old vanilla mixed with cheap chow mein!

Ashley appreciates the lukewarm noodles, but even an extra fortune cookie isn’t going to help her get over the fact that Jay was getting his swipe on with some randos on the dating app. 

On top of that, in the middle of their meal, Jay starts drilling Ashley about the status of his paperwork, which Ashley says isn’t happening given their current situation. Ashley says if she were to file Jay’s papers, she’d be responsible for him for 10 years and even she can see that’s a recipe for disaster. Jay says if he’s not working, he can’t provide for Ashley or treat her to three-star chain restaurants, but as enticing as unlimited breadsticks at the Olive Garden sound to her, Ashley isn’t budging. 

Meanwhile, Elizabeth’s sisters and mom celebrate her pregnancy by throwing up some decorations and a wig or two (sure, why not) for a gender reveal. 

Elizabeth’s sister Jenn is “over this” whole decorating deal, mostly because it involves Andrei, who she says “is an a**hole.” Luckily, Elizabeth and Andrei are walking into this explosion of all things pink and blue knowing damn good and well that just because there’s cause for celebration, it doesn’t guarantee that they’ll be safe from any comments about Andrei’s lack of a job. 

In an effort to secure her spot as future favorite grandmother, Elizabeth’s mom Pamela makes sure to point out the Moldovan flag on the table that she ordered off of Amazon and she even surprises Elizabeth a shirt declaring, “I’ve got a little Moldovan in me.”

(Also…ewww)

While Pamela is clearly referring to her unborn grandchild, Elizabeth is quick to call the shirt “kinky,” which would surely offend Andrei if it weren’t for the language barrier. 

Soon the family gathers to pop the cannons of paper to reveal it’s a girl, and in all the excitement, the family even gets caught up and sneaks in a hug or two. Andrei even assures Elizabeth’s dad that he’s going to step up his game and stop living for free in his rental house… despite having zero job prospects or plans at all, whatsoever. Sounds promising to us! 

Back in Georgia, Pedro proves that he’s standing by his word and will in fact be spending Thanksgiving away from The Family Chantel. This makes Chantel upset, because she feels that holidays are for family, but Pedro argues that he doesn’t feel like part of that circle so it doesn’t matter if he’s there or not. 

Once Chantel arrives at dinner, her family immediately wants to know where Pedro is and also if he’s a Jehovah’s Witness. (Um…?)

After receiving confirmation that Pedro is not skipping out on the festivities for religious reasons, they agree he should be there to celebrate family if nothing else. As a family they feel like Pedro isn’t making an effort, and amidst a sea of “mommies” and “daddies’ being thrown about, Chantel and her siblings continue to argue about what went down during the recent altercation.

Chantal’s family comes to the conclusion that Pedro has a wicked case of roid rage (despite his lack of hulked up muscles). 

Karen (aka “The Mother Chantel”) has come up with a way to counter Pedro’s alleged steroid rage: a taser that she has named “Shocky.”

Just when you think this show can’t get more shocking, it literally proves you wrong. 

Chantel’s family tells her they think it’s sketchy that Pedro is so hellbent on going back to the Dominican Republic without her and we’re sure that when he hears about Shocky he’ll be ready to book that trip even more. 

Over in Las Vegas, it’s Larissa’s trial date and she’s more nervous than Colt at an overnight camp without his mom. Unfortunately (or fortunately, given Larissa’s current hatred towards him) Colt won’t be coming to court with Larissa to avoid possibly having to testify against her. 

Colt says calling the cops on Larissa is his biggest regret—a hell of a statement coming from a man who recently lived solely with his mom and a group of cats. 

Until next episode…

To read The Ashley’s previous recaps, click here! 

(Photos: TLC)