On this week’s episode of 90 Day Fiancé: Happily Ever After?, Larissa and Colt try to spice things up in the bedroom (while also pushing our throw-up threshold to the absolute edge), Nicole still has everyone wondering what the hell she’s thinking, Elizabeth tells Andrei about the Chuck bucks they’ve been receiving, Ashley and Jay swipe right on the idea of making amends, The Wife Chantel makes plans to ambush The Family Pedro in The Dominican Republic and Russ and Paola check on their baby, who will definitely not be born in Oklahoma. 

Pheeeew…let’s get started before these creeps do even more creepy stuff and we have to add it to this already obscenely-long recap! 

This episode kicks off in Las Vegas in the wake of Larissa revealing to Colt’s mom, Mother Debbie, that she has kids in Brazil. Colt feels guilty for not letting his mom in on this little secret, so he takes her on a mother-son date to the Wag N’ Wash since the Mexican restaurant doesn’t open until noon. 

Mother Debbie confronts Colt about not being honest with her. Colt admits to his mother that he was afraid she wouldn’t approve of his relationship with Larissa if she knew about the kids. Debbie says Colt and Larissa need to work on their relationship before thinking about bringing Larissa’s kids over from Brazil. That way, Debbie will have plenty of time to pack up her belongings—assorted cats/cat items, slot machine, Colt’s baby book and a bottle or two of tequila—and high tail it out of there before she’s designated as their built-in babysitter. 

Over in Tampa, Elizabeth meets up with her father and bankroller-of-ridiculously-entitled-lifestyles Chuck, at one of the rental properties she “manages” for him. Chuck (like the rest of us) still doesn’t understand why Elizabeth and Andrei threw away the free-rent situation they were handed; however, being the supportive-to-a-fault father he is, Chuck still asks Elizabeth how her and Andrei’s move went. (Remember, Chuck is currently co-funding this apartment on the sly.)  

While filling her dad in on the move, Elizabeth casually mentions that Andrei doesn’t want to do trucking anymore.

Chuck says Andrei isn’t thinking things through and even Elizabeth admits that the decisions he’s made are stressing her out. She’s also a bit anxious about the fact that Andrei still doesn’t know Chuck is basically funding their life at this point. 

As if Chuck’s handouts haven’t been enough, Elizabeth asks her dad if he’ll also consider employing Andrei, (the guy who has literally quit everything he’s started) because she says Andrei wouldn’t feel comfortable asking him himself. Daddy WarChucks (of course) says he’ll talk to Andrei, provided that he work hard at something other than being stubborn and delusional. 

Of course, Elizabeth (as per usual) didn’t run this idea past Andrei before going to Chuck with it, so this should work out well…

Up in Georgia, The Wife Chantel is still holding down the fort while The Husband Pedro lives it up in The Dominican Republic. Despite Pedro still ignoring Chantel’s texts and calls, Chantel still believes that going to see him is a good decision.

Chantel has a friend of her own, Obed, that lives in The Dominican Republic, so she calls to get his input. Obed tells Chantel that he saw Pedro since he’s been back home and was surprised to find out Chantel wasn’t with him. 

Obed first advises Chantel not to ambush Pedro in The Dominican Republic, adding that he doesn’t trust Pedro’s sister or mom. (This is, of course, ridiculous. From what we’ve all seen of them, they seem to be very reasonable and together people…)

We find out that Pedro and Obed used to be amigos but their friendship fell apart when Obed tried to stop Pedro and his family from accepting “Harvested American Dollars” from a family friend in America that Obed happened to be dating at the time.

Obed says The Sister Pedro and The Mother Pedro ultimately broke the couple up and ended Obed and Pedro’s friendship. As for the mysterious business Pedro’s family is starting, Obed warns Chantel that The Family Pedro is known for their “sneaky” business ventures and that reason alone is why Chantel should come to The Dominican Republic and get her Nancy Drew on.

He also says there’s more to the story about his own history with Pedro’s family, but that he’d rather tell her in person. 

Meanwhile, Nicole is in the process of packing her trip to Grenada to see Azan. She’s throwing stuff all over her cluttered room (which is starting to give me a rash just looking at it…where’s a pressure-washer and a barrel of Lysol when you need it?)

She’s trying to put together some lewks for herself that will get Azan’s juices flowing for her (also…ew.) While she’s doing this, Nicole’s dad and brother stop by for a visit. They make settle themselves on a pile of assorted crap. (Hopefully they’ll be sanitizing their bodies and burning their clothes after this visit.) 

They are attempting to once again make sense of what the hell Nicole’s doing. 

Nicole’s dad Tyler, who is joining them on the trip, seems less-than-thrilled to sit on the beach for three weeks in Grenada while his daughter tries her best to trick her fiancé into showing her some affection. 

Both Tyler and Nicole’s brother question whether or not Azan has even purchased his ticket for the trip. Nicole gets smug, telling them she knows Azan has a ticket because she bought it for him, which only concerns them more. 

“I wanna know why the boy don’t work,” Tyler asks Nicole, pointing out that this “relationship” has been going on for a while and Nicole continues to keep the cash flowing. 

“I don’t understand the mentality of just sitting around and not doing anything productive with your life,” Tyler says. “That’s a few red flags in my book right there.” 

Well…that’s the understatement of the century…

Tyler tells Nicole he plans to ask Azan about his lack of financial independence and asks Nicole if she’ll still pursue marriage if he doesn’t like Azan. Nicole says she isn’t worried because she knows her dad will love Azan as much as she does.

Meanwhile in Miami, Russ and Paola have just returned from their trip to Oklahoma and are heading to the doctor’s office to check on the health of their baby. Having had a previous miscarriage, Paola is fearful about her current pregnancy. Russ says after their miscarriage, he should have been more supportive of Paola and that he regrets pursuing a job in Oklahoma.

Russ says his main focus needs to be more on Paola and their son that will be born soon, and less on his desire to move back to the Sooner State. 

Up in New York, Ashley and her friends are hungover from their night of shot-taking and bar-twerking. On top of that, Ashley says Jay is still pissed from their phone conversation from the previous night. Ashley (once again) justifies her trip by bringing up Jay’s mistakes and tells her friends that things can’t go back to normal until she finds out what Jay and the high school student from Tinder were doing while she was at work everyday.

Ashley’s friends show her some obligatory support, but make a point to remind her that in the event that her marriage continues to be a complete disaster, they’re down for another (free) trip to New York City. 

Ordinarily we criticize opportunists disguising themselves as friends; however, if your friend insists on repeatedly making terrible life choices and ignoring your good advice, you might as well get a free trip out of the situation. 

Meanwhile, Chantel is heading out for a night on the town with her sister and some friends to try to clear her head and have a little fun. Of course, this ultimately turns into Chantel venting about Pedro as usual—only this time while wearing a pink latex dress. 

Chantel’s friends think Pedro is using her and they become even more concerned when Chantel tells them her legal financial obligations to Pedro in the event that they divorce. Chantel’s sister tells the group that Chantel should go to The Dominican Republic to spy on Pedro’s ass.

Chantel decides she will make the trip (as if there was ever any actual doubt…) but insists on talking to Pedro beforehand. 

Next we check back in with Nicole, albeit very briefly…

We learn via screen caption that Nicole spoke to Azan shortly after packing for the trip to Grenada and we then see the conversation take place. While we can’t hear Azan’s side of the phone conversation, we hear Nicole’s—- specifically her telling Azan that what he’s doing “is messed up.” It then appears that Azan hangs up on her. When asked by the producers what Azan said on the phone, Nicole storms out of the room and slams the door behind her. Nicole’s mom arrives at the house and is greeted by the producers. 

Nicole’s mom tells them “everything is sideways” and that things “kind of blew up.” We then learn that the trip to Grenada has been called off, though Nicole’s mom doesn’t know why. She tells producers she needs to talk to Nicole alone and will do her best to figure out what’s going on. However, Nicole’s mom soon realizes that Nicole snuck out of the house, so she arms herself with a flashlight and sets off to hunt her down like a dog (as you do).

After retrieving Nicole, Nicole’s mom and brother join her inside with the producer while the cameras remain outside. 

Nicole tells them Azan can’t go to Grenada and she’s waiting for him to respond to her text to find out if he wants to say on camera why he’s cancelling yet another trip. While waiting for his response, Nicole’s mom tells her that Azan is a “scammer,” but per usual, Nicole is standing by her man, even though she can’t even get him to go on vacation with her. 

Azan eventually texts Nicole and says he doesn’t want to talk on camera because he feels like doing so will make him look bad. (Um…?) Nicole tells her mom Azan has a “family emergency” but she’s isn’t worried because his canceling their trip has nothing to do with her.

Sure, Jan…

She continues to tell her mom “everything is fine” and frighteningly, she seems convinced of that herself. 

Over in Las Vegas, Colt and Larissa (in her a cocktail dress suitable for lap-dancing and/or sugar-daddy-finding) head to a sex therapist to get some help with their sex life. On the way to their appointment, Colt says Larissa hasn’t been willing to get all up on his mama’s-boy body in a month and he just can’t understand why.

Larissa tells Colt she thinks he’s a nymphomaniac and that maybe he could control his urge to get freaky 10 times a day if he practiced a little self love but Colt says he’s married and shouldn’t have to. (They’re talking about “The Masturbation”…in case you didn’t get that.)

Larissa says she’s not a blow-up doll—at least not yet– and sometimes she just doesn’t want a sweating, grunting Colt all up on her. Go figure.

When sitting down with the sex therapist, Larissa tells her that living with Colt’s mom is a big problem because she already plays the role of Colt’s wife, without the sex part. Colt tells the therapist that his sex life with Larissa is pretty much nonexistent and that when they do have sex, Larissa is like “a samurai warrior going to battle” due to the amount of prep work that goes into it. 

Larissa says Colt doesn’t know how to be romantic and much to her dismay, he insists on talking dirty (though thankfully we’re not forced to hear a sample). The therapist gives Larissa and Colt a “homework assignment” that involves touching, ice and feathers.

We’ll give you a moment to clean up the vomit you most likely spewed all over your phone reading that last part…

Down in the Dominican Republic, The Husband Pedro is still living it up. Pedro’s happiness is cut short when he receives a call from Chantel who says she’s considering making a trip to see him. Pedro becomes annoyed and tells Chantel she can go to anywhere else in the world except The Dominican Republic.

Chantel says she is going to The Dominican Republic.

Elsewhere in the country, Ashley is back from her NYC trip and, just as she suspected, Jay is pretty much giving her the silent treatment. He eventually breaks his silence to tell Ashley he’s annoyed that she was a drunk mess all weekend. Ashley wants to know what his weekend consisted of and Jay assures her he was on his best behavior and that she can even check his phone if she wants.

Ashley says if Jay did do something, he’s already deleted the evidence, so she doesn’t bother checking. The next day they sit down to talk about their dysfunctional relationship and Ashley ultimately decides to give Jay another chance, so long as he can keep his hands off the Tinder app and his eyes off other women—high-school aged or otherwise. 

Meanwhile, Elizabeth comes home from work to find Andrei “fixing up” an ad for his handyman business. Elizabeth says she’ll soon have to stop working, which mean Andrei needs to step up his employment game ASAP. She tells him that her dad is open to the idea of hiring him and encourages him to reach out and ask for a job.

Andrei says Chuck is Elizabeth’s “saving angel” but he doesn’t need that same help because he’s the man of the house and will make it work, and by “it” we sure hope he means himself. 

Andrei tells Elizabeth to stop terrorizing him with her pregnancy, which, to Elizabeth, seems like the perfect time for her to drop the bomb on Andrei that Chuck has actually been supporting them financially. Andrei for some reason seems completely shocked by this news and again, assures Elizabeth that he’s perfectly capable of providing for their growing family on his own… just as soon as he finishes up his handyman ad on Microsoft Paint. 

Down in The Dominican Republic, Pedro decides he needs to brace The Family Pedro for The Wife Chantel’s upcoming arrival. (This may or may not mean adding extra wig glue to his sister’s weave…just in case.)

Pedro’s mom and sister tell him Chantel’s visit is an imposition and furthermore, that Chantel isn’t even allowed to stay at their house. Pedro says he had hoped his family’s treatment of Chantel would be better than Chantel’s family’s treatment of him, but it looks like it’s not going to happen. On the bright side, at least no one has threatened to pull a taser on Chantel—-at least not yet, anyway. 

Over in Las Vegas, Colt and Larissa are leaving their sex therapist’s office when they decide to hit up a pumpkin patch. Larissa is excited about Halloween and tells Colt she wants to dress up as an astronaut because she loves NASA, though he insists she consider a costume he would find sexier, such as a cat or his mom.

This is Larissa’s first visit to a pumpkin patch and, while she enjoys being there, she isn’t really keen on the idea of carving one. However, Larissa does manage to find some fun in the outing by picking out misshapen and pale pumpkins that she says resemble Colt. 

She does not say what part of Colt the reject pumpkins resemble, but we have a good idea…

Back at the house, Colt and Larissa start decorating for Halloween, but Larissa says Debbie’s tacky living room slot machine is really killing her holiday vibe. Larissa suggests to Debbie that they put the slot machine in the garage but Debbie isn’t having it and says Larissa is just trying to push her buttons so she’ll move out.

She does this while waving plastic bloody body parts at her daughter-in-law…as you do…

Larissa calls Debbie a “territorialist” and says she’s done with her, once again… all while Colt stands back, seemingly scared to interject for fear that Larissa will continue to withhold sex from him or even worse, that Debbie will withhold margarita date night. 

That’s all for this episode! 

To read The Ashley’s previous “90 Day Fiancé: Happily Ever After?” recaps, click here! 

(Photos: TLC)