Another week, another check-in with the stellar cast of Teen Mom 2–none of whom manage to get pregnant, get arrested or get hooked on any sort of drugs this episode, which in this franchise is a win only second to being cast on this mess in the first place. Before anyone takes off on another vacation or threatens to go all “Deliverance” and move to the part of the U.S. where no MTV camera crew is willing to go, let’s see what these girls(eses) are up to! 

Now that she’s back in the hollers of West Virginia after her Costa Rican adventure, Leah and her mom-mobile are back on carpool duty. Leah picks up the girliseses from school and they are less-than-thrilled to hear all about their mom’s vacation. Nevertheless, Leah rattles off the list of fun things she did while she was away without them. 

In addition to bragging about her trip, Leah is planning to take Addie to the doctor the following day along with Jeremy because she says Addie’s lymph nodes are still swollen. Later on, Leah tells her friend over FaceTime that she’s worried Addie may have lymphoma. 

Also back from the trip to Costa Rica is Kail, who throws on her best “mama bear” t-shirt to venture out to a hibachi restaurant with her friend Shaneika and all 23 of the kids they have between the two of them. 

After settling the kids down, Kail tell Shaneika that Lincoln informed her the night before that he’s ready for her to get remarried, mainly because he doesn’t want her to be lonely (and eventually become a burden). Isaac chimes in that Kail should marry Chris, but both he and Lincoln think Chris needs “to come around more.” 

Kail tells Shaneika that the elusive Chris gave her a call the day before and spoke to all three of the boys. Isaac and Lincoln—who we’re starting to think are the two wisest people on this whole show—then start roasting Chris and his tendency to “relax in his own bed” all day and play video games. 

Kail says she’s the common denominator in three failed relationships and Shaneika encourages her to stay single and be patient, because obviously Shaneika has never watched this show before. If Kail does that, there wouldn’t really be much of a storyline for her.

Meanwhile, the DeJesus crew is back from New York and Briana can hardly wait to hop on FaceTime to remind her boyfriend John that her birthday and their anniversary are both coming up soon. 

John suggests the two of them celebrate “somewhere tropical” to which Briana replies, “I live in a tropical state.” Well Briana, you actually live in a dangerously overcrowded apartment, but whatever. 

John also corrects Briana, telling her that she “lives with gators and bugs,” and we for one, don’t think that’s a very nice way to refer to Roxanne and Brittany. Ultimately, they decide to plan a trip to the Dominican Republic. 

The following day, Briana is driving home from work when she gets a text on her phone that catches her off guard. She is so upset that she actually pulls her car over to deal with the text. This is, of course, a rarity on this show, since the only thing these ‘Teen Mom’ girls like doing more than getting knocked up is texting and driving!

Briana asks Producer Alexis (who’s driving in the car behind her) to do the same. When Alexis gets to Briana’s car, Briana shows her an Instagram message she received from someone claiming that John got another girl pregnant. 

Briana tells Producer Alexis she has to handle the situation when she gets home but wants to do so without the cameras present. (So…basically she wants to tell Brittany to throw on her thuggish leather jacket so they can hit the road and make it to New York City in time to catch Johnny Boy with his future baby mama.) 

Over in South Dakota, Chelsea is forced to invite over her friend Tiffany so she has someone over the age of 2 to have a conversation about grass field with. 

Right on cue, Tiffany asks Chelsea how things are with Adam, though she insists on spelling his name out, as if any of the rugrats tearing up the living room are old enough to read or bored enough to listen to this conversation. Chelsea tells Tiffany that “A-D-A-M” still isn’t coughing up the money to Uber himself to the visiting center to spend time with Aubree, but he does pop in at school to eat lunch with her from time to time. (Because…free meals…)

Chelsea also tells Tiffany that she’s planning to take Aubree back to therapy because Aubree mentioned to her that she likes being able to talk to someone… especially if it gets her out of being at home with two wild younger siblings and parents who insist on using baby talk to communicate with one another.

Back in Delaware, Chris shows up at Kail’s house (blurred out, of course) to pick up Lux, but when the other boys say they want to come along, Chris agrees to hang out in the backyard with them since he doesn’t have enough room in his car. 

While Chris is playing fetch with the boys (um?), Kail brings Lincoln in and tells him she’s taking him to go get a new passport photo taken so he can go to Aruba with his dad. Lincoln isn’t having it and starts crying because he’d rather fetch a stick outside with his mom’s third baby-daddy than go have his picture taken for his (probably) 10th vacation of the year. Must be rough, Lincoln. 

Kail ultimately caves and lets Lincoln run back outside and play in the dirt with Chris while she watches from the window, secretly loving every second of this nonsense. (Anyone wanna guess the over/under on if Kail later went out and scooped up the dirt that Chris had touched so she could keep it in a jar in her room?)

Finally, we check in with Jade and Sean, who have moved into their new place and managed to pack up all of their relationship drama and bring it right along with them. Over lunch, Jade tells her friend she doesn’t even want to be with Sean at the moment and that she’s had it with his screaming and childlike temper tantrums.

If Sean was covered in swamp dust while having those screaming bouts and tantrums, I’d think she was talking about Jenelle! 

Jade also tells her friend she feels like Sean’s problems are personal ones, though she doesn’t know if they’re related to drug use because the two aren’t really talking despite living under the same roof… which is always a good sign. 

After some more probing, Jade gets stressed out and leaves the restaurant to smoke a cigarette and vent to her producer. 

Down in Florida, Briana invites her friend “Shirley” to a microblading session where “Shirley” not only gets her eyebrows filled in, but also gets filled in on the latest rumor about John as well. 

Briana tells “Shirley” that when she confronted John about the Instagram convo, he played dumb had no idea what she was talking about and suggested that Briana had “some investigating to do.” 

Briana tells “Shirley” she wants to go to New York to confront John in person because she’s had it with the men in her life having more side chicks than dollars in their bank account. 

Back in Indiana, Jade has angrily puffed her cigarette on the sidewalk, and we learn that she and Sean decided they needed space from one another so Jade stayed with her cousin while Sean babysat their daughter Kloie. (Oh wait, dads don’t babysit! Sorry, Chelsea!)

After a night apart, Jade comes over to their house to shove more of her belongings into some free-with-purchase totes.

Shortly after, she leaves the house in tears, partly because Kloie just saw her named spelled out for the first time and is pissed didn’t want to say goodbye and partly because Sean seemed unfazed by the whole ordeal.

Jade says Sean doesn’t care and just wants her to “get the f*ck out.” She also says she feels unwelcome in her own house.

Don’t worry girl, that will change… right about the time your next big MTV check arrives.

Over in South Dakota, the gang is at Aubree’s softball game. Out of the cornfields, we see a vision! It’s A-D-A-M! Much like a sighting of Bigfoot or the Lochness Monster, an A-D-A-M sighting is rare, so MTV makes sure to zoom right in to capture the Kodak moment. Adam in his natural habitat hasn’t been seen on this show in years, after all!

Chelsea was apparently caught off guard to see Adam walking in the daylight, and is uncomfortable when Aubree gives Adam a hug before leaving.

Look on the bright side, Chelsea—you might feel uncomfortable, but at least your daughter didn’t have to be reminded to acknowledge you. Talk about uncomfortable… 

Later on, we see that Briana did in fact hop on a plane to talk to John in person, because if you’re going to be humiliated by your boyfriend on national TV, you might as well get a free trip out of it. 

John and Briana sit down over dinner and John says the two of them “have something to talk about, I guess.” Briana starts crying and tells John she’s still not sure what to believe. John insists that he didn’t get anyone pregnant and says the two of them “need to keep moving forward”—at least until they’ve both enjoyed that free trip to the Dominican Republic. 

Back in The WV, we learn that Addie’s swollen lymph nodes were a symptom related to when she had mono, therefore she doesn’t need a biopsy. Leah and Jeremy are relived, meanwhile Addie is just aggravated that she has to go back to school.

After swinging by the unwell school, Leah and Jeremy head back to his place to bone talk about Addie’s health scare. After being asked by the crew, Leah and Jeremy confirm that they’re both single and Jeremy says that they’re just “co-parenting 100 percent,” to which Leah adds, “that’s what we say, anyway.” 

From a cancer scare to flirting with your ex-husband in his kitchen, all in one morning. We’d say “only in West Virginia” but, honestly, this could be applicable to almost any of these girls on this show. 

Until next time! To read The Ashley’s other reality TV recaps, click here! 

(Photos: MTV)