Howdy, kids! It’s the week of Thanksgiving here in the good ol’ US of A so to get into the holiday spirit, let’s check in with our favorite Teen Mom 2 turkeys and see which of their baby daddies is crawling out from under Plymouth Rock this week!

(And, as per usual, The Ashley is a week behind with her recappin’ duties, but…it is what it is…)

First, we check in with Chelsea. After some strenuous weeks of picking out her favorite color combinations for her flannel shirt clothing line, Chelsea is worn out. (Don’t ya hate when you get overwhelmed with your clothing line?)

However, it’s Aubree’s 10th birthday. (And, yes that means we’ve been watching these people for a decade. We need a hobby, seriously…)

Chelsea enlists Cole to take Aubree and her cousins to a ninja training facility (as you do), while she picks up a cake.

Cole is an enthusiastic coach to the girls, yelling at them to “Push it! Push it!” as they run over the obstacles. 

(If this is an example of how Cole is as a labor coach, it’s no wonder Chelsea wants to keep popping his spawn out of her hooter shooter.) 

After Cole and Aubree get home, Chelsea is ready with the cake to sing to Aubree. Other Chelsey pops out of nowhere and is still sporting her 1980s perm look (complete with denim jacket). Everyone sings happy birthday before Chelsea makes the celebration all about herself by talking about being pregnant with Aubree 10 years ago. 

Nothing says “celebrate” quite like teen pregnancy, right?!

Next up we visit with Jade, who still isn’t ready to talk to her parents because they were arrested on drug charges and whatnot. She’s keeping her distance. In between giving Sean free haircuts (that he complains about despite the price of “free”) and dodging phone calls from her parents, her days consist largely of attending beauty school and trying to co-parent without earning her own trip to the slammer.

The next day, Jade is at school with her friend Corie chatting it up about Brazilian blowouts and highlights and whatnot. Jade says she’s trying to get along more with Sean.

“What do you mean by getting along more?” Corie asks as she gnaws through her egg white on wheat. 

Jade clarifies that Sean is “still trying to get in there” (they’re talking about “the sex” by the way), but she prefers to remain just co-parents. Of course, he has a lot of time on his hands because he doesn’t work. He’s still living in the house they used to share, so Jade is unsure how Sean is paying the rent.

Soon we find out how Sean is paying the rent: he’s not. Jade gets a call from their landlord, who’s threatening to force Sean to collect up all his stained white tank tops and get the hell out. 

Since Jade’s name is still on the lease, she calls up Sean to let him know they are being sued unless they pay the back-rent within six days. Jade tells her friend at school that she warned Sean this would happen but Sean — the self proclaimed God — did not heed her warning.

He assures her, though, that he’s “gonna have it paid…and stuff.”

When Jade reminds Sean that the money is needed in SIX DAYS, he acts surprised, as if she didn’t just tell him that several times minutes before.

“It’s a big ol’ s**t show!” Jade says.

Sean gets all offended that Jade is acting like she doesn’t think he’ll be able to produce the funds to keep himself off the street. 

“You’re acting like you don’t think I can do it!” he yells.

Um…?

“I’m gonna make a couple of phone calls!” he protests.

So…basically Sean was about to hit up his Granny and other random friends to get the cash…

Jade has to decide if she is going to pay the rent that’s owed and bail out Sean and his brother, or risk getting an eviction on her record. 

Next we head to Delaware. While Kail’s boys are away at their dads’ houses, she tends to her sick dog, Bear. After a trip to the ER, the veterinarian ends up keeping Bear for the weekend, so Kail decides to go ahead with her plans to attend the VMAs with Leah.

Down in Florida, Briana and baby daddy number 2 (in every sense of the word) Luis are back on speaking terms after he randomly resurfaces. He comes by and says he’s eager to see his daughter Sheila Stephanie er…Stella.  Since he hasn’t been around or even tried to contact Stella in months, Briana is suspicious. 

Briana tells Brittany that Luis pretty much only dropped by their two-boxes-shy-of-an-episode-of-Hoarders apartment to say bye to Stella before heading back out to “do the trucking.” Brittany says Luis could have pretty much skipped town without saying a word and no one would have noticed and, well… she isn’t wrong.

“He never came over to say hello so why the f**k he comin’ over to say goodbye?!” Brittany says.

Again…she isn’t wrong! 

Luis is apparently coming back the next day to “officially” say goodbye to his kid, whom he probably couldn’t pick out of a lineup if she wasn’t on TV each week.

With plans for a new house and a new beauty studio in the works, Briana is spending her days perfecting the services she plans to offer at her salon, including teeth whitening. Naturally, Briana’s friend “Shirley” is volun-told to serve as the human test subject. Let’s just hope her experience turns out better than Brittany’s eyebrows did. #NeverForget

After shoving a whitening tray into her friend’s mouth, Briana tells her that “it’s in! Stop laughing!” 

(Why do I feel like that’s the exact same thing Luis said to Bri on the fateful night in the club bathroom when Stella was conceived?) 

Anyway, Briana receives a text from Luis asking if he can borrow $1,500 to handle some things before setting out to “do the trucking.” Brittany and Briana (and probably “Shirley” if she could still talk at this point) agree that Luis only resurfaced because he planned all along to hit Briana up for some cash. Bri is mad that Luis asked for cash, but even more upset that he did it under the guise of wanting to see his kid.

Luis says that in order to “do the trucking” he will need “a few things”…including a truck.

UM!??!?

He also needs GPS, some medications (we know he doesn’t require Viagra!) and some other stuff. Briana is debating whether or not to give Luis the cash.

Meanwhile, in West Virginia, Leah is hauling her dang girlseses around the hollar. She notices something is amiss: her good old textin’ hand is phone-less for once! After realizing Aleeah has swiped it from the front seat, Leah demands that she hand it over.

“What if there are texts on there from your dad that I don’t want you to see?” Leah tells Aleeah.

Aleeah then reminds Leah that Addie’s dad Jeremy is the one she’s been sexting as of late, not Corey.

See? Two whole minutes of driving without clutching her ding-dang cellphone and Leah can’t even remember which baby daddy she’s been trying to get freaky with. 

Speaking of baby daddies who bang her brains out, Leah is having some withdrawals from that sweet, sweet Jeremy Lynn lovin’ so she and Addie drop by his house for a visit… mainly so Leah can find out why he hasn’t hit her up for a date night since she returned from Hawaii.

Jeremy agrees to take Leah out to the finest chain restaurant in this here part of town. Their conversation is then interrupted by Addie, who accuses her parents of kissing. They both deliver  horrific acting performances to deny it.

“US?! Kissing?! Never!”

The next night, Leah is hustlin’ around, slappin’ bronzer all over her mug to prep for her big dinner date with Jerm. Unfortunately for Leah and her loins, Jeremy ends up canceling dinner last minute due to his grandfather unexpectedly falling ill. Leah says she understands Jeremy’s reason for backing out, but she’s still bummed that she hosed herself down and got all gussied up for nothing. 

A few days later, Leah and Kail are in a hotel room, primping for the VMAs. Leah’s still butt-hurt about her cancelled dinner date. While the girls are getting their glam on, Leah is yammering on about Jerm cancelling on her (and depriving her of whatever Red Lobster dinner she had coming her way). Kail, clearly focused on her dog’s health and not on Leah and Jeremy’s latest almost bone-sesh, does her best to show mild interest in the tales from the holler Leah is currently “speakin’ on.”

Leah’s story is eventually interrupted when Kail receives a call from her vet, who unfortunately tells her that Bear may have a tumor on his spleen and will likely have to be put down. After getting emotional in the bathroom, Kail comes out and fills Leah in on the situation.

Kail takes the news understandably hard. The producers try to comfort her but she feels guilty. Leah, meanwhile, doesn’t seem to be upset by her friend’s bad news, and can barely muster up an “I’m sorry.” (To be fair, she does have about two pounds of bronzer on each cheek, so it’s probably difficult for her to form sentences.) 

Kail worries how she will tell the kids that Bear is sick.

Over in Florida, Briana ultimately caves and agrees to give Luis some cash, but Brittany warns her not to expect to be paid back at any point. Roxanne tells Briana she’s proud of her for helping her daughter’s father, right as Luis the Freeloader himself enters the apartment. Stella laughs and runs away from him, because at this point, he’s just a strange bald dude who’s loose in her apartment.

Brittany takes Stella to use the bathroom (on a puppy training pad?) while Briana tells Luis that she is currently paying $245 for daycare for Stella. Luis is shocked to learn that it’s $245 a week, not a month. He also looks shocked because he’s probably realizing he could have offered to “babysit” Stella all this time and gotten that cold-hard cash on the regular for himself. 

Bri tells him that he needs to start helping her financially… despite having just handed him $1,500. Luis lies says he’ll step up going forward, or at least give Stella a call every month or two.

While going to pick up Nova, Briana leaves Stella with Luis and she begins hysterically screaming and trying desperately to get away from him. She clings to Roxanne and keeps crying. Luis has been there for a whole three minutes with his daughter but, since he’s already got his fistful of cash, he tells Roxanne he’s out.

“He left,” Stella tells Roxanne, who looks like she’s just dying to say, “Better get used to it, kid!” 

Over in Indiana, Jade is attempting to relieve some stress by taking a trip to a mall. (When you’re over $1000 in the hole, the best course of action is to go shopping…for pink feathered sweaters and neon green fishnets bodysuits, apparently?) 

Jade tells her cousin she hopes that, one day, Sean will be a man and they’ll be able to be one big happy family. She says she knows she’ll probably have to fork over the funds Sean owes in rent. (Sadly, this means she won’t be able to purchase that lovely neon green feathered frock she was eyeing. Sigh…)

Jade calls Sean later to tell him she went ahead and paid the rent money he and his brother owed, only to find out that the water and gas have been shut off at the house now, too.

Sean asks if he can watch Kloyie Kloeigh KloweyKhloie at her house for a while, just so he’s able to use the facilities and, you know, hose off now and then. Jade reluctantly offers Sean a place to stay for a few days. He’s excited that he’ll be at a place with running water.

When Jade expresses her displeasure of having her unwashed ex-boyfriend bunking down at her house for a few days, Sean gets mad.

“It seems like you’re being extra-rude!” he declares.

UM…!??! I would have told this boy to go bathe in the sewer if I were Jade. Just sayin’…

Sean tells Jade he plans to get an attorney to get out of his lease, but Jade suggests he start small by maybe getting and keeping a job for more than a week.

Back in South Dakota, Chelsea — exhausted, once again — takes her family and some friends up to her dad’s cabin for a day of relaxation. (And, in case you were wondering, that’s the cabin that Chelsea once admitted to being the place where Aubree was conceived. Hopefully ol’ Randy washes those bearskin rugs frequently..)

Chelsea and her friend Laura (who is starting to look more and more like one of those ‘Housewives of New Jersey’ ladies every week), sit outside and talk about Adam’s ever-lacking presence in Aubree’s life.

Chelsea can’t understand how neither Adam nor his parents bothered to call Aubree on her birthday. Chelsea says Adam sees Aubree once a week during school lunch. After they eat their “turkey and gravy over whipped potatoes” meal, he’s done with her for the week, apparently.

Aubree says that, according to Granny Lind, Adam doesn’t have a girlfriend (or a job) and he sleeps all day.  I think that’s nice….

Laura and Chelsea agree that Aubree is used to this situation, much like we’re used to hearing it being talked about season after season.

“I feel like nothings really changed. Same old, same old,” Chelsea tells Laura, obviously referring to her storyline on this show.

That night, Cole, Chelsea and Chelsea’s hipster hat head out for a double date with some friends, but not before making comments that will surely come back and embarrass their children one day.

“If we weren’t on camera, I’d give you a blowie on the way there, but we’re on camera,” Chelsea tells Cole in the car.

Did you hear that? It was the sound of Papa Randy ralphing up his lunch.

Cole offers to turn off the car cameras, because he apparently doesn’t want to join Farrah in the ‘Teen Mom’ p0rno market, but Chelsea declines. However, she goes on to talk about the time she and Cole got down and dirty in a car wash — all while Cole tries to stop her story time by repeatedly saying, “we’re on camera!”

Umm, has Cole never seen this show before? Has he not realized by now that shame is more foreign to this group than condoms? Besides, if Ryan can “nap” while driving on-camera, and Jenelle can pull a gun on a stranger on-camera, what’s a little “blowey” talk?

Chelsea and a blowey-less Cole meet up with their friends, Ayla and Royal (?) at some sort of abandoned mall food court or something.  They are having a three-course meal made for them by a chef named Tanner, who rattles on and on about some sort of salad. Meanwhile, Cole looks like he needs to be hosed off. He’s obviously still thinking of that car blowey he missed out on.

During the meal, Chelsea receives a voicemail from Adam’s mom Donna who wants to talk about spending some time with Aubree. Chelsea suspects Donna also wants to talk about Adam having more time with Aubree. 

So…apparently Adam just woke up from his 10-year-long nap and realized he barely knows his daughter? 

Or maybe Donna just wanted to talk to Chelsea about that pilgrim hat? Because, much like Adam, that hat is not working…

That’s all for this episode! To read The Ashley’s previous ‘Teen Mom 2’ recaps, click here! 

(Photos: MTV)