Lower your expectations and whatever you may be eating at the moment — this episode of Counting On is bringing us a living room full of afterbirth and so many scenes about throw up that you may need a poncho and a motion sickness bag to get through this crap-isode.

It’s time to dive head-first into the latest episode of ‘Counting On’ …and unfortunately, all of the bodily fluids that come along with it. 

This week’s episode picks up at the Duggar Compound where Jessa is “doin’ the stairs” in an effort to jump-start her contractions after we saw her water break last episode. She says that when expelled the Spurge, she went days past her due date, and she doesn’t want a repeat of that. 

Once the stairs work their magic, Jessa and Ben get ready to head back to their house to pop out their blessing on their own furniture/floor.

With the majority of the Duggar crew still out of town for a wedding, Jessa explains that Jill has been called in to assist in the pre-birthing festivities — under the agreement that she’d be on camera as little as humanly possible — therefore she gets to come along to what will soon be the Seewald House of Screams & Stained Birthing Tarps. 

Once the rest of the Dugs get word that Jessa’s about to blow her mucus plug, they pile into some of the Duggarmobiles to hurry home in time to watch Blessing #271 make its debut (and, you know, talk Jessa out of naming the poor kid Spurgina).

Naturally, they have their own plane so they are able to fly some of the family members home, courtesy of Pilot Josiah and not Pilot John David. 

Meanwhile, Jessa’s midwife Teresa preps her for home birth number three by giving her a solid demonstration of the preferred position in which her blessing blaster can do its job. 

Soon Jessa settles into the assumed laboring landing spot on the floor in front of her couch, kneeling on a pillow with her head down, likely asking herself why she ever paused Ben’s cartoons long enough to let this happen to her for a third time. 

Ben looks confused but…then again, Ben always looks confused.

While Jessa is angry that the rest of the gang left her to birth this blessing solo,  Michelle is also less-than-joyful at the moment. We’re told The Big M is currently puking her brains out in the non-air-conditioned airplane to the point that it triggering a forced landing. (She should have had John-David fly her because, in case you didn’t know…he’s a PILOT too!) 

Michelle explains she has a “sensitive stomach,” likely from all of the years of giant Duggar heads rolling around in it.  Lauren (who, in case you didn’t know…is PREGNANT) sees Michelle throwing up and wonders if she can steal her thunder by joining her in the Yak Attack. 

While Michelle’s heaving her wedding cake into a field of hay, the rest of the group wanders around looking for something to talk about on-camera.

“I’m wondering if flying commercial would have been a better idea,” Jana says.

Oooh, giiiiirl. Don’t let John-David hear you say that! ‘Commercial’ is like a bad word to him (since he’s a PILOT, you know). It’s kind of like someone saying they’re ‘pregnant’ instead of ‘expecting!’

Jana says the chances of them making it home in time to see Jessa push the baby out of her baby chute are getting kind of slim.

Nine hours after Jessa’s water breaks, she finally goes into active labor and the screams of pain and utter terror begin. Jill informs us that Mama Duggar is still not there (and she says it with a bit of ‘tude!) Because of this, Jill will have to fill in and provide updates for the camera.

She flashes her mug while all hell (and bodily fluid) breaks loose behind her. 

Before too long, Jessa pops out her baby girl, right there on the fake suede couch, followed by an alarming amount of “gushing blood,” as Ben so eloquently puts it. The bleeding causes the midwife to call 911. The paramedics heave Jessa off the couch (bloody birthing tarp and all), and take her to the hospital.

 (We can assume that, after Jessa left for the hospital, the rest of them all stood around wondering how all that blood and gunk was going to be cleaned off the sofa. I mean…JANA ISN’T THERE!)

At the hospital, Jessa talks about her non-clamping uterus (or something), and says that the doctors pumped her full of Pitocin (aka the drug that makes the girls start screaming when they give it to them on 16 and Pregnant), and now she’s stopped bleeding. 

Later on, Michelle, Lauren, Jana and Josiah finally make it to the hospital to meet baby Ivy Jane — a name Spurgeon most certainly did not sign-off on. 

Michelle exclaims how happy she is that the baby’s a girl (as she attempts to kick some of the vomit residue off her Frankenstein pilgrim shoes).

A few days later, Jessa and her crew are settled back at home. They invite the whole mess of Duggars over to pass baby Ivy around and put her immune system to the ultimate test. Among the first to hold Ivy is Grandma Duggar, who happens to share a birthday with the baby. Unfortunately, this tender moment is nearly eclipsed by the fact that Grandma Duggar and Jim Bob are invited to sit in the exact spot that Jessa gave birth, no less than a week ago. 

Oh but don’t worry, the rest of the Duggars get to show the couch some love as well when everyone gets on/around it for a family photo. Let’s just hope they called Jana over to steam clean that thing while they were in the hospital. 

(Jill is mysteriously missing from the post-baby-birthing festivities. Apparently she bolted off-camera the second the afterbirth started flowing!) 

Later on, we check in with John and Abbie, who have just returned from their trip to the Philippines. Jana, the one-woman welcome wagon, stops by the couple’s house/shed/trailer/thing to see how their trip went.

We find Abbie lying on the couch like a corpse. Jana is told that Abbie didn’t get to enjoy the trip much because… she’s come down with a case of the Blessings and has been constantly sick! 

Abbie reveals that she, too, is knocked up and will be heaving out The Spawn ‘o’ John-David sometime around January. Jana musters up a happy face, but if this keeps up she knows she’s going to be hosing down the Duggar Family birthing tarp every week in the coming months! 

Abbie says her pregnancy thus far has been miserable. All she’s done is run to the bathroom with the craps or the yaks, and then laid on the couch. (So basically, she’s living Michelle’s life…)

Jana gets the idea to add Abbie to the “Knocked Up Duggar Women” photoshoot she’s been planning. She feels it would be a great time to announce to the sisters that Abbie is with child. Jana is still processing the fact that John— who was once her partner in shucking marriage and family— is now about to become a dad.

Abbie says that she’s been so sick she may not even be able to make it to the photoshoot. However, she’s willing to puke in a field (a la Michelle) if it means she can be part of it.

Elsewhere Joe and Kendra, another expecting Duggar couple, take a trip to the doctor to find out the gender of their second baby, which they plan to announce at their gender reveal… a gender reveal that will conveniently be rolled into their son Garrett’s first birthday. Considering this kid is likely to have a minimum of 10 siblings, we suppose it’s good that he learns to share right from the jump. Today: birthday cakes, tomorrow: bunkbeds and checkered button-ups. 

The doctor tell Kendra’s sister Lauren the gender, but Joe and Kendra want to be surprised at the gender reveal party. Although we don’t yet know if Spawn #2 is a boy or a girl, we do know that it will probably be a plate-licker just like its Papa Joe.

Next we check in with Jinger, who has come a long way from the brunette with the crunchy curls we used to know on 19 Kids & Counting. She decides to go even further and go blond, in hopes of fitting into the California fundie scene.  Jinger heads to the salon with the plan to get a blond balayage. We’re then treated to an homage to the Duggar women’s previous hairdos (and don’ts!) This consists, of course, largely of crunchy curls, wispy bangs and pretty much the same overall look Michelle still rocks today. 

Jinger then agrees to— GASP!—- CUT HER HAIR! She lets the stylist chop six inches off her head. (Had any of her brothers been there, they would have undoubtedly scooped up the sheared locks and tried to use them to fill in their own hairlines! Lookin’ at you, Joshy!)

Michelle explains that she and her girls have always favored long hair, and Jinger says that the decision to change up her hair was a big one for her. She also describes the time during her teens when she and her sisters all got perms against their wills. 

We are then treated to one of the little Duggar girls (Jos-dlyn or…something) telling a weird joke about boogery hair.

Stellar.

In the end, Jinger reveals her blond locks without a single crunchy curl in sight, much to Michelle’s disappointment, we’re sure. She looks STUNNING.

Jinger comes home to show Jeremy her new look. Needless to say, he can hardly contain his excitement. (He’s having trouble keeping it in his Dockers, to say the least!) He tells Jinger how wonderful she looks, and keeps giving her those bedroom eyes. 

We may have to add another knocked-up Duggar girl to that photoshoot, Jana! 

Later, it’s time for Garrett’s birthday/his sibling’s gender reveal party, so 361 Duggars crowd around the one-year-old as he picks at his “smash cake,” which contains the gender-revealing icing in the center. A lot of the Duggars (especially the random boys in the middle we rarely hear from) do their best to act excited, but tell us “these things tend to happen a lot at our house” so really…all they care about is the cake.

The producers cut to the couches to ask the Dugs what tool should be used to smash the gender reveal cake.

“Run it over with a bulldozer,” one of the middle boys suggests of the cake…and/or this show.

“I think…fist,” Michelle says before looking creepily at Jim Bob who is giving a sly smile.

I DON’T EVEN WANT TO KNOW.

After a few minutes of Baby Garret neglecting to reveal the pink or blue icing in the cake, Kendra gives her son a little nudge — not unlike Michelle and Jim Bob when marrying their children off —  and forces Garrett’s baby hand into the cake. The confused child’s fist emerges covered in pink icing and the crowd goes wild.

Jessa proclaims this to be the Season of Girls for the Duggar Family. In addition to her Ivy and Joe and Kendra’s girl, Josiah and Lauren are also having a girl. (Oh, and Anna, but since it’s Josh’s kid no one on this show really cares.) 

That’s all for this episode! 

To read The Ashley’s other ‘Counting On’ recaps, click here! 

RELATED STORY: ‘Counting On’ Star Jinger Vuolo Loses Two Partnership Deals in Two Days Due to Being Part of the Duggar Family

(Photos: TLC)