Sister Wives is back for another season of fun, love and complete plural-marriage bliss!

Oh hell, who are we kidding? At this point the show needs to be called “Krazy Kody & His Pack of Miserable Wives.” 

Gone are the days of the faked happy faces and hopeful tag lines. Season 14 is the season of ‘Sister Wives’ self-awareness so this season we’re getting an intro featuring sad faces and even sadder music. This family is slowly inching closer to a collective breakdown and we’re all along for cross-country ride. Who’s excited?! 

This episode kicks off in Flagstaff where we find the Frown Brown family unloading boxes at Janelle’s house in the rain, because TLC really knows how to set a scene. 

Kody stresses how big of a deal it is for all of the wives to be living this far apart from each other, though we know he’s most troubled by the fact that all of this commuting is going to seriously cut into his hair-primping routine. 

Kody says the family took a huge gamble by leaving Las Vegas—- shout out to the Sister Wives for not laughing at Kody’s cringy joke—- but the move was necessary because the kids were being exposed to some bad stuff.

Hey, they don’t call it Sin City for nothing, you guys!

While Kody seems to be to only person who actually wanted this move, the kids are doing their best to go with the flow because they’re under 18 and have literally zero other options at the moment. 

Once the Brown Fam has thrown most of Janelle’s soggy boxes into her house, they move on to do the same at Meri’s rental and fortunately the rain clears up, probably because it realizes it’s no match for Meri’s natural gloom. To add to the MERI-ment, we find out that Meri and Kody were confronted by police that night after receiving a call from a neighbor who evidently didn’t approve of the Brown’s polygamous lifestyle (or ya know, the TLC cameras turning their neighborhood into the new Cul-de-Sac of Broken Dreams).

Meri and Kody say they tried to introduce themselves to the neighbor but she declined a handshake. (The neighbor was probably afraid of getting some of Kody’s hair grease all over her mitts!) 

Later on, the nervous neighbor contacts the owner of Meri’s rental and, despite Meri and Kody being open about being polygamists and being on a reality show, the owner asks Meri if she’d be willing to move out.

Meri’s at a crossroads and doesn’t know if she should just pack up and leave or stick it out and refuse to give in to their “bullying.” I mean…is this rental even worth the trouble? It doesn’t even have a WET BAR!

Unfortunately for Meri, she doesn’t get much time to whine to the cameras about being persecuted by the home owner and her neighbors. The owner decides to terminate the lease, adding to Meri’s growing list of things to be unhappy about. (She probably didn’t even have a chance to tell her new neighbors about The Great Catfish Saga!)

Meri says she’ll crash in a hotel in Arizona for the night and head back to her Vegas house in the morning where she’ll stay until she finds a better life a permanent home in Arizona. If Arizona doesn’t want Meri, her weird marriage to Kody and her Leggings Empire, then they can just kiss off! 

Kody & Co. start moving Christine into her home, which is about a mile away from the family’s Coyote Pass Property. After chucking Christine’s boxes into the house, the family heads back to Meri’s rental to “un-move” her in a hurry out of fear that the neighbors will cause a scene. There are stretchy pants, Janelle voodoo dolls and self-tanner bottles flying everywhere as they chuck stuff into boxes.

Right on cue, it starts to rain as neighbors (who wouldn’t give TLC permission to film them) come out to do a little filming of their own. Luckily, the Browns are able to get all of Meri’s crap loaded up and hauled off before any trouble happens. 

(Is anyone else a little upset there was no neighborhood brawl? Neighbors pulling Kody’s hair, Meri beating the rental home owner with a pair of LuLaRoe capris and Robyn sobbing in the corner…now that’s TV worth watching!)

Fast forward about a month, Meri is still in Vegas. After finding a home in Arizona to rent, she says she will be joining the family in a couple of months when the rental becomes available but in the meantime, she says she’s happy (yes, happy) flying solo. She’s does, however, admit that she’s tired of Kody and the other wives asking her when she’s coming to Arizona and pretty much wants them to get off of her back—-an attitude that doesn’t bode well for someone in a plural marriage. 

Back in Arizona, the rest of the wives say the family is disjointed once again and Christine feels like Meri being in the Vegas Cul-de-Sac of Broken Dreams alone is sad because it’s a constant reminder of what the family had (before Kody uprooted everyone’s lives and basically ruined everything). Meanwhile, builders are putting in walls between all of the Vegas houses before they are sold, which evokes an emotional reaction from Meri. Does she miss Kody or the other wives? No. Does she miss having an open backyard that can be viewed from the vantage point of her wet bar? Absolutely. 

During one of Meri’s trips to Arizona, Kody gathers the wives for a meeting to discuss the family’s finances, or rather lack thereof if they don’t unload the multiple Vegas properties they’re currently hoarding. Before diving deep into the money chat, Janelle says it would be helpful to first “have a drink of something alcohol-related” and then she quickly reminds everyone that she’s joking, as their religion does not promote drinking. (This means there is no alcoholic explanation for Kody’s new haircut then? Yikes…)  

Janelle says the Vegas houses probably won’t be ready to hit the market until right before the holidays, which isn’t the ideal time for people to be buying. That being said, it could be spring time before the houses sell, which Kody says will break the family financially. (Perhaps Kody was banking on thousands of ‘Sister Wives’ superfans lining up in droves to purchase the homes so they could own their own piece of TLC history?) 

In an effort to try to boost morale, Kody and the Sister Wives load up all of their children who aren’t legally old enough to flee the state. They tell them they’re all going for a field trip to Coyote Pass to see where they may live one day. (If they aren’t forced into bankruptcy, they’ll live in a house. If they are, they’ll live in tents.)

This trip to the property is Gabriel’s first as he’s been clinging hard to his role as an angsty teen and up until this point has refused to see the place. Begrudgingly, he’s guilted into finally taking a gander at what might be his future home. When he spots the muddy watering hole featuring “Gabe Island” in the middle, he celebrates by hoping into the muck.

A few of Gabe’s braver siblings soon join him in the muddy water and unfortunately for everyone at home watching, so does Kody. 

He strips down to his skivvies and starts bellowing out nonsense.

“I’ve been three months…moving and I’m just, I feel like yelling, I feel like expressing some kind of, ‘AHHHH,’ ya know? I’m feeling a little nuts,” he says. 

After emerging from the swamp, Kody and the wives take the bonding experience as a sign that everything is going to work out. (Not sure how they got that from Kody splashing his junk in a hole full of mud but….sure…)

Of course, in order for everything to work out they’ll need the Vegas houses to sell, everyone to be living in the same state, and the houses (or house) to be built on Coyote Pass.

Also, I feel like TLC needs to start a retribution fund for all of us viewers who are permanently scarred after seeing Kody’s mud dip. 

That’s all for this week! 

On the next episode of ‘Sister Wives’, Meri makes her move back to Arizona, somewhat against her will, and Kody proposes his one-home vision, despite being the only person who actually wants to hear it. 

To read The Ashley’s other recaps, click here! 

RELATED STORY: ‘Sister Wives’ Star Meri Brown Says She Was Bullied by Her New Arizona Neighbors for Being In a Polygamist Relationship 

(Photos: TLC)