Brush the snow off of your pyramid-scheme leggings and bust out the for-rent section of the newspaper (for the 15th time this season) — it’s time for another episode of Sister Wives! 

When we last checked in with the Brown family, Robyn had just received word that she was being kicked to the curb of her Flagstaff rental while Kody was frustrated with the still-undecided plans for Coyote Pass. (He was also trying to convince his wives that trailer/tent-life on the vacant land would be a solid backup until said plans were nailed down.)

Come on, Kody… between your bad call to move to Arizona without first selling your Vegas homes, to the multiple Polygamist Barbie Dream House presentations you forced upon everyone and that nest of Top-Ramen-esque strands you’re still trying to pass off as hair, it’s safe to say good decision-making just isn’t your jam. And to further prove that point, this week’s episode kicks off at the scene of last week’s fight, Coyote Pass, where Kody is treating his wives to a romantic picnic of pizza and bottled water. 

Nothing says “I love you x 4” quite like sharing a $5 pizza with the ones you hate, am I right?!

While picnicking among the pine cones, the family talks about Robyn’s upcoming move and how she’s struggling to find another rental. Not to be outdone in the “woe is me” department, Meri reveals that she, too, is being pushed out of her rental due to the owners wanting to sell and in six weeks she will need to move — her third move since originally leaving Las Vegas. 

WHERE DO THESE PEOPLE FIND THEIR RENTAL HOUSES!? Do they not sign leases? Is the demand for Flagstaff mansions really that high that all these owners are willing to break their leases with the Sister Wives in order to get that cash money?! 

Instead of suggesting the obvious– Meri and Robyn temporarily team up and move into a rental home together, instead of aimlessly searching for two more rentals— Kody suggests that Meri or Robyn look into buying a home.

Oh yes… because the five or so mortgages these people are already paying aren’t enough? Let’s tack on yet another!

Meri thinks it’s a terrible idea.

“I have no desire to buy, I think that would be stupid,” Meri tells Kody and the Sister Wives, before remembering that Christine purchased the current home she’s living in. “Oh, I’m not saying you’re stupid … I’m glad you’re secure!” 

Robyn isn’t interested in buying either and starts to get emotional over the fact that Kody uprooted the family and basically strapped everyone in for what turned out to be a rollercoaster straight to Hell. To keep her from crying all over the cold pizza, Kody & Co. switch gears and start discussing where each of the sister wives’ houses will be built. Janelle stakes her claim at the exact spot they’re all sitting in, while Christine points to a nearby lot for her own home. 

They then ask Meri where the future Case de Leggings will be constructed, to which Meri says she’ll be setting up shop back in the woods… as in, the exact plot she recently told Kody she didn’t want. 

In unison, Robyn and Kody express their confusion and proceed to tell Meri that Robyn called dibs on the plot once Meri said she didn’t want it.

Uh oh…. I can feel a Sister Wives catfish catfight brewing, y’all!

Meri tells them she never said she didn’t want to build there, she just wasn’t totally sure about it. (Although, to be fair, she did call the area “dark” and throw a hissy fit when Kody wanted to shove her into the Enchanted Forest.) 

Kody goes on to explain in his interview that he only wanted to put Meri in the woods because she loves trees and you know Kody… he always has Meri’s best interest in mind!

Now, however, Kody is confused, Robyn is on the verge of breaking out in stress-induced hives and Meri is mentally building her LuLaRoe mansion’s elevator right in the spot Kody was planning to make sexy time with Robyn. 

While walking around the most depressing place on earth property, Janelle hangs back with Robyn a bit and pretty much co-signs everything Kody is saying about Meri not wanting the property. Robyn adds that Kody told her the plot in the woods was the only option left and that she more or less had to take it because Meri didn’t want it, which Meri again says was never the case. 

Meri tells Robyn she isn’t mad at her and Kody jumps in to tell Meri that she also shouldn’t be mad at him because he’s pretty much given her first choice of the whole property. Umm… sure, Jan Kody. 

Robyn ends up getting flustered by the slightest sign of confrontation so she speaks her peace and then tearfully stumbles her way back to her car without giving Meri a chance to give her rebuttal. Shortly after, Meri follows suit, announcing to the group that she has a rental house to find. 

After Robyn has had a moment to stop crying cool off, she returns to the Coyote Pass property to confront Kody and ask him why he told her that Meri didn’t want the plot in the woods. Kody reiterates that Meri told him she didn’t want to live in the woods and Janelle jumps in to back him up once again. 

Kody tells Robyn that Meri “changes her mind all the time.” 

“It’s a game for 30 years of my life,” he adds. 

Kody is no longer even trying to hide his disdain for Meri. If I were Meri, I’d be packing up my hobo sack full of cash and leggings and hitchhiking my way back to Sin City to start a new life. She could buy herself a Vegas house, plant some trees, install a wetbar and live happily ever after away from Kody and his rat’s nest, Sobbin’ Robyn, Yes-Man Janelle and Christine’s constant need to do family flash mobs.

Janelle chimes in once again to say she was relieved when she found out Robyn was getting the property in the woods because it’s the lot closest to the pond and she believes the chaos would have been a nuisance to Meri. 

Wait…what? Apparently Janelle thinks Meri would come out in her bathrobe, shaking a broom, any time she heard kids playing at the pond and scream, “All y’all kids get away from my pond, ya hear?!” (Now that’s TV I’d happily watch!) 

Robyn says she doesn’t want to fight with literally anyone over literally anything Meri over the property, which angers Kody because he feels like Robyn is sitting back and getting the “s**t end of the stick” — something we thought Robyn had already done upon accepting Kody’s marriage proposal.

Kody says Meri is doing to Robyn what she’s done to Janelle and Christine for years.

“She won’t be happy unless she has all of you bowing at her feet waiting for her to decide what she wants,” Kody says, while Robyn and Christine attempt to stop him mid-rant.

“Meri is my sister wife and I’m always going to try to work stuff out with her, even if it’s not easy,” Robyn says. 

Robyn later tells us that she doesn’t mind taking Meri’s (or anyone else’s) “table scraps” (as Kody calls it) because she’s “not a victim here!”

Wow…that may be the first time anyone on this show denied they were being victimized. 

“Meri can take what everyone else doesn’t want!” Kody says, adding that Robyn shouldn’t get the leftovers every time.

Kody starts aggressively loading stuff into his van, grunting vigorously out of anger, so Christine suggests all of the Sister Wives sit down with Kody later and start from scratch on the house-plot ordeal. Kody agrees but later admits he’s sick of trying to make people (aka Meri) happy who will never be happy. Instead of being the kind and generous individual he claims he is, Kody says he should tell people (again, Meri), “this is what you get and that’s it. Suck it up, buttercup.” 

The next day, Christine and Janelle meet up to walk at a nearby trail and gossip about the mess that is their lives. While popping a squat on a log, Janelle proposes to Christine the idea of the family turning the pond area at Coyote Pass into some sort of park that the entire family can have access to, though she admits Kody isn’t too crazy about the idea. 

Janelle hints that the park suggestion may come up the next day when the wives sit down with Kody, but at least now with Christine’s possible support, she won’t have to take the sole blame for it.  

The next day, the Sister Wives pile into a living room and await Kody’s arrival from his attorney’s office. After lots of awkward silence, Kody makes his entrance and tells the wives he has great news regarding the Coyote Pass property. 

He’s wearing a blazer and has his mop all pulled into a Ramen ponytail, so you know he means business!

Due to the lack of rentals in the area, Kody’s attorney tells him they could build houses on Coyote Pass, never move into them and make a killing selling them.

Um…wasn’t Kody just trying to give the plots away for FREE to anyone who would take them?

Robyn doesn’t like the fact that Kody is talking “like a businessman” more than a family man, while Christine flat-out tells him they should probably focus more on moving to the property themselves. (Janelle doesn’t say anything because we can assume she’s distracted by her tingling no-no region, due to the ponytailed Kody.) 

After avoiding the conversation about possibly turning Coyote Pass into Kody’s personal colony of rental homes, Janelle decides now is a good time to bring up her park plan again. Almost immediately, Kody tells her they can’t separate the forest or pond, but each element will have easements that allow access for the wives and kids.

Next up on the obligatory family meeting agenda is an apology to Meri from Robyn, who says she didn’t mean to storm off in such a tizzy after their “argument” that week. 

The group then dives back into the “Kody-said, Meri-said” misunderstanding from before, with Meri attempting yet again to explain to Kody that she never said she wanted to give up the property in the woods, even though she kind of did say that. (After consulting last week’s recap, we realize that Meri did complain about how “dark” the area was and was generally huffy that Kody would want her to live in the woods.)

Meri tells the group she needs the conversation to not be an attack on her and that Kody’s face is making her feel like it is one. 

Christine points out that they haven’t even had a surveyor out to the property yet, so technically this entire conversation (and episode) could have been for absolutely nothing. Meri seems less-willing to let the whole plot debacle go, as does Kody, who makes a note that Robyn was the only one who apologized for what went down on the property.

Meri never said she was sorry and is, according to Kody, therefore the absolute worst… (Also in the running for being the worst? Kody, his hair, and his complete lack of self-awareness. Oh, and Meri’s sporty corgi shirt.)

That’s all for this week! 

On next week’s episode, Robyn and Kody argue about what rental house God wants them to get (no, seriously), and then pack up their junk and haul it to a home that Robyn doesn’t want to buy. Also, the kids (‘member them?) start reacting negatively to all the frequent moving and uprooting.

To read The Ashley’s previous ‘Sister Wives’ recap, click here! 

(Photos: TLC)