Grab some pandemic snacks — assuming you haven’t already stress-binged and cleaned out your stash (no judgement if you need to go up a size in your LulaRoe leggings!) — and get ready to catch up with the family who knows absolutely nothing about social distancing.

It’s time for another episode of Sister Wives!

After finally reaching their limit on house presentations and any and all things Coyote Pass, the Sister Wives decide to take a break from the giant throbbing migraine that is their husband Kody and head to Chicago for a visit with Mariah and Audrey. 

After arriving in town and marveling over the hamburger pizza the city has to offer, the Sister Wives get down to business and start discussing Robyn and Meri’s upcoming moves. I mean, what else are they supposed to do? Enjoy their vacation?! 

Meri tells the other wives that she was able to find a rental and has already signed a one-year lease. Robyn, however, thinks Meri’s patterned leggings must finally be cutting off the circulation to her brain, being that she’s just agreed to move in a year. Again. (Luckily, this is in Flagstaff, where lease agreements apparently mean nothing, as three home owners have already broken their leases with the Browns!) 

Robyn says ideally, she wants to rent until the family is ready to move their literal and emotional baggage onto the Coyote Pass property… which we all know is going to take a hell of a lot longer than a year. And, she is still fighting Kody on the idea of buying a place. 

Robyn goes on to tell the Sister Wives that she and Kody have been at odds over the rent vs. buy issue, and Christine is soooo ready to talk crap on Kody. She tells Robyn that “it’s so frustrating.”

Janelle, on the other hand, almost excitedly declares that the rift between Kody and Robyn “must be a big issue” given Robyn’s decision to talk about it with the other Sister Wives. Apparently, some of the other wives (cough– Christine and Meri–cough) love to bitch about Kody, but Robyn rarely joins in on the crap-talking sessions. 

“Generally you would never see this and Robyn would never discuss it,” she says, though later, Janelle claims she’s not picking sides and is “team whatever works out.” 

As for Meri, she sees no point in trying to find a deeper meaning behind all of the family’s moving and says she doesn’t really think God cares where they live, just as long as it’s not too deep in the woods. 

And speaking of living deep in the woods… 

While cramming hamburger pizza down their gullets, the Sister Wives bring up the topic of different plots on the Coyote Pass property. Though no resolution is reached (nor is any discussion really had), the Sister Wives come to a mutual agreement that it’s nice to be away from Kody and the kids for a few days, even if it’s in a run-down Chicago pizza joint gnawing on cheap hamburger meat pizza. 

Unfortunately the camera crew cannot say the same, as we next check in with Kody, who is stuck taking care of his litter back in Flagstaff in all of his frantic and frizzy-haired glory. For his first night of parenting sans-Sister Wives, Kody decides to keep his kids busy by whipping up some homemade pizzas that he gives himself entirely too much credit for. 

Kody stands over his bounty of sad pizza, and everyone’s face looks just as sad.

It’s day two in the Windy City for the Sister Wives, which means they finally get to see Mariah, Audrey and the puppies—the latter of whom Meri is especially excited to reunite with. 

Meri and the other Sister Wives are happy to see Mariah and Audrey and their home and Mariah tells them how happy they are living in Chicago. She and Audrey also talk about their first date, which was not only Mariah’s first date with a woman, but her first date in general.

The two reminisce from when they first held hands to when Mariah proposed, as well as some of their happy memories along the way. The best part of it all? Neither had to be subjected to Kody’s Flagstaff Moving Fiasco!

Back in Flagstaff, Kody musters up some leftover pizza-baking energy and decides today will be the day he teaches Solomon and Truely how to ride their bikes. While this sounds like a sweet fatherly gesture, it’s worth noting that Truely is absolutely terrified by the idea and despite Kody allowing her to pick out a brand new bike for her latest attempt, she doesn’t seem too optimistic. 

“I’m really nervous about riding a bike,” Truely says. “I doubt it’s gonna go that well.” 

… and right you are, Truely! 

It becomes even more of a s**t show than even Kody’s hair and/or ability to communicate with his wives.

Seconds after Truely is mounted onto her new bike, Kody has her tearfully rolling up and down the driveway, wobbly as hell, nearly screaming and moments away from throwing her new wheels onto the ground and hopping a flight to Chicago. 

Truely tells her dad that she doesn’t want to ride a bike but Kody laughs off her comments and says she’s too young to make decisions for herself. (Why do I feel like he probably told his wives this same thing when they told him they didn’t want to move to Flagstaff?)

Truely, being the low-key feminist queen of the Brown family that she is, believes otherwise. 

“It’s not fair at all,” she says. “It’s my choice. This is my body and I’m not going to ride a bike.” 

Back in Chicago, Mariah, Audrey and the Sister Wives head out for lunch and minor parental-pressure regarding the wedding plans, or rather lack thereof. Meri tells the brides-to-be that she wants to throw them a second engagement party at the bed and breakfast, but Mariah says she’s not into the idea of having two engagement parties. 

The wives just can’t understand why Mariah isn’t jumping at the offer to celebrate her (eventual) nuptials multiple times. After all, these sister wives know how to have a good time!

Mariah must be crazy to pass up the opportunity to have the Sister Wives perform 1) a flashmob 2) a disco dance routine or 3) an embarrassing skit at an engagement party with all of her friends! 

While Mariah and Audrey have only narrowed down a wedding month at this point (year, TBD), they do know that they want to have kids born on the 29th, being that they both have birthdays on the 29th.

(Hopefully Maddie or one of the other Brown daughters hasn’t already booked up Janelles Little Birthing Tub ‘o’ Horrors on that date!) 

The idea of eventually having grandkids of her own makes Meri very happy… especially if neither of those kids are named “Kody” or any variation of the sort. 

Later on, the group heads to the beach where Meri thinks back to when Mariah came out to the family. Meri says felt like “the worst mom in that moment” because of her reaction and is thankful that Mariah had three moms who reacted better than she did.

Wait…what? Is this really Meri? She’s not only being self-aware but actually saying her Sister Wives did better at something than she did!? 

“When Mariah came out, it was a bit of a shock to me,” she said. “I’m really glad that I had experiences in my life where I was open to that because I see so many families reject their kids, ya know, or their family members, ya know, when they come out as gay. I can’t imagine rejecting my daughter and not knowing who she is, like, who she truly is, and knowing her and Audrey together.” 

Christine adds that she couldn’t imagine rejecting her kid for something like that either, which is something the family would have faced, had they followed the beliefs of their religion. Meri also mentions that Mariah once showed an interest in becoming a sister wife herself.

“When I was in my teens, I felt very devoted to the church that I was raised in,” Mariah explains. “I always said that I wanted to live in polygamy. I think it was a way to protect myself from coming out to myself. I’m very grateful of the way that my parents raised me, and I’m very grateful for my upbringing and at the same time, it was very painful and it was very hard for me to be gay and be religious at the same time.

“I have considered many times what my life would be like if we had not moved to Las Vegas,” she continues. “My guess of what would happen is that I would get married to a man with a few wives, be there a few years, hate my life and eventually leave.” 

Speaking of hating life, we then head back to Flagstaff, Kody has summoned all of his kids to Coyote Pass to see if they, too, want to get into an argument with him in front of the pond. Before finding out, Kody and the crew prepare s’mores and a “hobo dinner” over a campfire. (if that ain’t possible foreshadowing I don’t know what is!)

Robyn and Kody’s kids know that soon their lives will consist of living in a tent and cooking off-brand hot dogs on sticks over a fire if their parents don’t get it together and find them a place to live.

Kody says whether Robyn likes it or not (umm… she doesn’t) the time has come for them to buy a house and if he were “a stinker”—his rated-G word, not ours—he’d go make an offer on a house while Robyn is still in Chicago. But he won’t, because he’s… not a stinker? 

Kody says best case scenario, the family could start building on Coyote Pass in a year. Of course, they do still need to rock, paper, scissor over who’s getting that property in the trees. So there’s that… 

When we check back in with the ladies in Chicago, they’re heading to an axe-throwing facility for some fun and the ability overuse of the phrase “kiss my axe.” 

Seriously, with the tension between the Sister Wives right now, is it really a good idea to hand these people weapons!? When Meri goes all “Lizzie Borden” on Janelle, don’t come crying to me!

In the end, Mariah is named the winner, but I think the real winner here is Kody, who safely kept his distance in another state while all of his wives were armed and most were also angry. 

As the sister wives head out to lunch before ending their trip, Robyn apologizes for being a “party pooper” during the trip, blaming it on her stress with Kody back at home. She reveals at lunch that while they were throwing axes, she received a text from Aurora who was mid-panic attack back in Flagstaff and that she herself is stressed out about the family finding a rental home.

Robyn also admits that while chucking axes at the board, she was wishing she could throw them elsewhere, preferably somewhere further south. Ya know, a target that is louder, blonder and almost definitely dressed in plaid. 

That’s all for this week! 

On the next episode of ‘Sister Wives’, Kody forces the family to go house-hunting, the topic of the Polygamist Barbie Dream House returns (because we haven’t all suffered enough) and Kody throws a fit over how much money he could’ve saved had he not forced the family to move away from Las Vegas and be miserable the family stayed in Las Vegas. 

To read The Ashley’s other ‘Sister Wives’ recaps, click here! 

RELATED STORY: Robyn Brown Defends Airing Daughter Aurora’s Panic Attack on Recent Episode of ‘Sister Wives’ 

(Photos: TLC)