It’s time for a brand-new (half) season of Teen Mom OG! The court dates have been set, the frivolous expensive vacations have been planned and the “Things That Matter” T-shirts are washed and ready to go! Let’s get started…

(And…yes, The Ashley is aware that this recap is for last week’s episode. She promises to do this week’s recap in a more timely manner.) 

We kick things off at Amber’s plea hearing on October 31, 2019.  Amber proudly strides into the court room with Producer Larry at her side. Amber sums up her lil’ “machete incident” by saying she was “arrested three months ago and has been workin’ with her lawyers on a plea deal.”

Amber says this has been one of the hardest times in her life, but she pats herself on her back for how well she’s handled it. 

Gary comes to chat with Amber after the hearing, and she tells him she regrets not walking out of the house on the night that the Great Machete Caper occurred. She then says that “people like her” with mental illness can only handle so much.

We then get a little rewind to four months ago right after Amber was arrested. Maci and Catelynn are chatting on the phone about Amby’s little “fun with weapons” session on the Fourth of July. We get to see her latest mugshot offering, and then Amber gives us the watered-down “Amber version” of what went down.

“After a fight with my boyfriend, the police were called and now I’m facing multiple charges,” she says in a voiceover.

UM!? 

“I’m legally not allowed to see Andrew or my son James,” Amber said, adding that she rented another home so that James and Andrew could continue to live in her regular house.

We then see Maci and Cate– in their respective mansions– discussing Amby’s arrest with their significant others. Maci tells Taylor that Amber is “doing the very best that she can” with her conditions. She feels empathy for Amber’s boooooyfriend, Andrew, who was the victim in the attack. 

They then cut to Cheyenne and Cory, who are also discussing the Amber arrest. Cory, who is sporting his Sideshow Bob ‘do for the scene, doesn’t know what happened, but Cheyenne says that Andrew is “saying a bunch of crazy s**t.” 

Cory joins in on bagging on Andrew, calling him “the giant” and accusing him of trying to keep the baby. 

“If I were to try to take Ryder away from you, that’s only hurting Ryder,” Cory says.

Um…talk to me when your baby mama has chased you through the house with a machete, bro.

We then cut back to Amber (in bed, naturally), talking to Producer David. She tells him that she does not want to get back with Andrew because he’s “lit-a-ra-lly trying to take her for every single thing that she’s ever worked for.”

Amber? Work? Is she making a funny or….?

Amber says she’s being advised by her lawyers to stay quiet for the time being. We all know how well that went…

We then head to Gary’s house, where Amber has just arrived to chat about “all the things in the press” about her. She’s worried about accompanying Gary and Leah to Leah’s first day of school, because of all the bad stuff people are saying about her. (Surely showing up with a film crew will help that! I expect there to be a mob of angry ‘Teen Mom’ fans, waving machetes and chanting “Back to Gel! Back to Gel! at Amber.)

Gary settles into his Lazy-Boy chair (as Amber eyes the chair jealously).

Amber tells Gary that she’s so embarrassed by what’s going on right now…but then quickly makes it all about her again.

“My character’s been completely trashed,” Amber says.

UMMMM?!?

Gary nicely reminds Amber that, you know, it’s not always about her ALL THE TIME, and even if she’s embarrassed that people would recognize her from her latest mugshot floating across the E! News screen, her kid is counting on her to be there with her on her first day of school. 

He explains to Amber that Leah knows what has been going on, and Amber starts crying. Gary thinks that Amber is upset because of how her immature abusive behavior has affected Leah…but Amber clears that right up when she says that the reason she’s crying is that, when she sees Leah it makes her think of her other kid, James (the son she isn’t currently allowed to see.) 

Gary doesn’t even seem surprised at this point…

Next we swing over to Los Angeles to check in on Cheyenne. After a year of long-distance dating, Cheyenne’s boyfriend Matt is finally packing up his junk and moving to California from…wherever the hell he lives. 

Cheyenne tells her mom and sister that Matt is planning to get himself an apartment and roommate upon arrival so that the two of them can continue building their relationship without shacking up ASAP. This news is clearly a massive relief to Cheyenne’s sister, R. You Kool With Next Month’s Rent Being Late?, who currently lives with Cheyenne.

Cheyenne says the next time she moves in with someone, she needs to have a ring on her finger, not that she’s pressuring anyone or anything. 

Things are going well, and Cheyenne’s plan to not live in sin with Matt seems to be right on track. Of course, when Matt gets into town, that all changes.

He stops by Cheyenne’s house toting all of his luggage to “surprise” her with the news that his roommate situation fell through. 

SURPRISE! I’m gonna shack up with you instead, he basically tells her. 

Cheyenne seems less-than-excited by this news, but she tells Matt they’ll figure it out. (So…in other words, her poor sister will soon be known as “R. You Ok With Living In The Garage”…) 

Later on, Cheyenne tells her friend Zaina about Matt dropping the roommate bomb on her on, right as her sister — who is even more surprised than Zaina to hear the news — walks in.

Cheyenne tells them both that she and Matt looked at some places together; however, she’s not quite as on-board with idea of shacking up together as he is because it would effect more than just the two of them. That, and also the fact that she’s still waiting for that ring…

Over in Tennessee, Mackenzie is filling Ryan in on their son Jagger’s upcoming birthday party plans and boy, does Ryan look pumped! 

We also get a reminder of the protection order Maci and Taylor still have against Ryan, preventing Ryan from contacting Maci and Taylor himself. 

Because Maci is (still) short on story lines this season, her friends are once again forced to hear her talk about her baby daddy drama and this week, they get to hear all about the last minute E-vite that Bentley got to his brother Jagger’s birthday party.

Maci tells her friends she and Taylor already have a family trip planned for the day after Jagger’s shindig, so Bentley will be unable to attend. She adds that if Mack would’ve hit send on the free online birthday invitations a few weeks earlier, they could’ve possibly worked something out. 

Next we zoom up to Michigan, where Catelynn is surprising her husband Tyler with a trip to Hawaii to celebrate their four-year wedding anniversary…as you do.

(Isn’t it “funny” to think that if Ty hadn’t knocked Cate up and gotten her a spot on ‘Teen Mom,’ they’d probably be celebrating their anniversary with dinner at the ol’ Sizzler, followed by a rousing round of “Shoot the Can” out back with Butch?)

Cate says she planned the big Maui trip after hearing about the dumpster-fire-of-a-relationship that Amber has with Andrew. She wants to do something really special for Tyler (to show him that not all women chase their man around with a machete on the regular, apparently?) 

Catelynn says that they’ll be dumping the kids at Casa de April (if they can find it under all that ciggie smoke), and then they’ll be on their way to the Aloha State (with a camera crew in tow, natch!) 

A few days later, Cate and Ty arrive in Maui. Ty is relishing in the quiet (and the fact that he will be able to go shirtless and show off his guns pretty much the whole time he’s there.) Their first activity is a surfing lesson, followed by cocktails in a random courtyard. Catelynn informs Tyler that she has yet another surprise for him.

They discuss their temporary separation and Catelynn says she was terrified during it. 

(I think that just about shattered any hope Ty had that Cate’s “surprise” would be the suggestion of another separation…)

Finally, we head to Oklahoma, where Mackenzie is mixin’ a big ol’ jug of imitation Kool-Aid for her litter to eat with their pickles. (Um?) Mackenzie is not having a great day, as her son Gannon has just asked her when his dad is going to come home because “dad’s the one who is nice to me.” 

Mack robotically explains to us that she and her husband Josh were “working on their relationship” after Josh promised her that he didn’t put his horse in any other girl’s stable while he was out rodeoin’ a while back. (Who could forget last season when Josh explained that, while he did go to a bar named Billy Bob’s— as you do– he didn’t hump any random cowgirls?) 

All of a sudden, they flash a headline— which is The Ashley‘s headline, mind you (without crediting my site…waa)— showing that Josh was accused of letting two girls play “ride ’em cowboy” with him.

Mack says that, when she read the story, she got really angry and booted her bronco-bucking beau out of the house!

She reminds us that Josh is out getting humpy with girls in bars, all while Mackenzie is helping her mom go through cancer treatments. 

Anyway, Mack goes into the bedroom and calls her sister to inform her that the kids are starting to ask about the whereabouts of Josh. Mack says she wants her marriage to work, but feels Josh ruined the marriage by cheating. However, Mackenzie has no official proof—yet–that Josh did actually cheat.

Back in Indiana, Amber has decided to push through her embarrassment and go to Leah’s first day of school. (WHAT A SAINT! ALL HAIL AMBER!) Amber gets up and gets dressed in the wee hours of the morning, which is probably something she hasn’t done since she was in Gel and part of a head count. 

They arrive at the school and Leah jumps out of the car as fast as possible, telling her parents she doesn’t want them to walk her in. 

After dropping Leah at school (and most likely taking a five-hour nap to make up for getting up so early), Amber is puttering around her rental house. 

Producer David is forced to have a convo with Amber about her BIG decision to go to Leah’s first day of school. (Um…can someone do a welfare check on Kousin Krystle? She usually does these awkward on-the-couch chats with Amber.) 

“Are you glad that you went to the school?” he asks.

Amber said she’s glad she went but she had a lot of anxiety and nervousness attending.

Um…girl, your butt never left the seat of the truck. Let’s put things into perspective here.

Amber then says she was worried that her attending the first day of school would embarrass Leah, which is fair. She begins to cry again and says she’s being strong for her kids. 

Back in Hawaii, it’s time for Catelynn’s big surprise. She has planned a “re-commitment ceremony” for her and Ty. She supplies him with a blindfold and he legit looks terrified. 

Cate loads Tyler into a golf cart and they drive to an open field and leads him into a deserted area. She takes off his blindfold and there’s just a weird woman standing by the edge of a cliff waving for him to come over.

He has a look on his face that basically says, “Is this how it all ends?” (Hey, at least he wore his finest white Hanes T-shirt!)

Tyler seems relieved to find out that he’s just going to have to undergo a re-commitment ceremony…and not be shot to death by a strange Hawaiian firing squad.

The lady instructs them to each blow on a stone to signify them letting out all their past resentments…or something. 

We are then treated to a few flashback clips of the s**tshow that Cate and Tyler’s marriage has been over the past four years. 

They chuck their stones into the ocean, and exchange leis. They both say “I love ya!” and are then they pronounced “Maui’d.”

Insert groan here. I wish I could borrow Tyler’s blindfold right about now…

Back in Oklahoma, Mackenzie has asked Josh to come over so she can get answers about his alleged cheating “Once.In.For.All.” 

They settle awkwardly into the couch, and Mackenzie (who has matched her earrings to her arm scrunchie for the occasion), tells Josh that she has never hid anything from him. Josh grunts in agreement. 

Mack doesn’t beat around the bush any longer; she flat-out asks Josh if he slept with someone on that fateful night at Billy Bob’s.

Josh doesn’t actually admit he banged anyone. Instead, he admits to going to the bar and being “inappropriate with things.” 

Um?

He says he is lost and needs to “find himself” again. He then grumbles something like, “I’ll fight for you with or without you.”

UM?

He then apologizes for “whatever I did.”

UMMMM! What the hell did you do!?

He vows to do his best to make things better. He does not vow, however, to stay far from the rodeo ho-bags.

Over in Los Angeles, Cheyenne and Matt continue with their house hunt, with Cheyenne’s dad and Matt’s friend in tow. After leaving one of the rentals, Cheyenne finally tells Matt she isn’t ready for the two of them to live together because she doesn’t want to uproot Ryder, put her sister into a financial bind and jeopardize their relationship. 

Cheyenne tells Matt not to be upset and assures him that he still has a place to sleep that night… just as long as he promises to be out of the house by 9 a.m. 

In Tennessee, Maci and her family head off to Louisiana for vacation, as Ryan and his family powwow in the front yard to talk crap about Bentley having to miss out on his brother’s first birthday. 

Ryan says he’s used to Maci pulling rank, especially when it comes to holidays and other celebrations, and that he doesn’t see it getting any better once the protection order is lifted. Ryan’s dad Larry tells him to keep making an effort… because apparently he’s making one? 

After a day of fishing and hanging out around the swamp (Oh hi, Juh-nelle!), Maci and her friend Kate sit around a bonfire and talk about Ryan and whether or not Maci should re-up her protection order once it expires. 

Maci says everyone in the two families owes apologies to each other, which she believes would be a good place to start. That is, right after she stops forcing her friends to come with her on her family vacations, of course. 

Over in Oklahoma, Mackenzie is looking for some advice on her hot mess of a marriage, so she goes to talk to her mom Angie. Mack tells her mom that she’s humiliated and stressed out and has “cried herself to bed” over the Josh situation. Angie— who is going through cancer treatments– cuts right to the chase.

“So…what do you want, Mack?” she asks.

Mackenzie says that, due to Josh cheating, she’s considering divorce, but Angie says that she shouldn’t even be thinking about breaking up at this point. 

Mack says that she refuses to work on a marriage after cheating has occurred. 

“No way, I will not do that!” she says. “That just disgusts me and gives me the creeps.”

She says she’ll never be able to kiss Josh again knowing he has kissed some other girl. Angie reminds Mackenzie that she’s not exactly the perfect wife, and that she gets mad at Joshy for everything.

Mack is actually making sense here. She says she refuses to take the blame for her husband’s wrong actions, and that she has been the one who has put all the work into the marriage, since the very beginning. While Josh was out bronco buckin’ and bar-ho bangin’ she has been trying to make their marriage work. (This is pretty much true; we’ve seen it since her 16 and Pregnant episode.) 

“I have done all the work! I’m the reason we have a good income!” Mack says.

Angie encourages Mackenzie to work it out with Josh for her kids, but Mack can’t help but wonder what would have happened if she had left Josh back when Gannon was a baby. She’d be off living the dream with some other cowboy.

That’s all for this episode of ‘Teen Mom OG!’

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(Photos: MTV)