Break out some leftover hamburger pizza and cut yourself a slice using the souvenir axe you picked up in Chicago…(or save it for when you go “Lizzie Borden” on your sister wife or husband) because…

It’s time for another episode of Sister Wives! 

After getting caught up on Kody’s latest ego-driven actions, we dive right in and hear Robyn and Kody explain that they’ve had no luck finding a rental house to move into, and they only have a few more weeks before the family will be booted out. (I hope they thought ahead and ordered a second moving van to fit Kody’s big ol’ head in.)

Robyn and Kody are still at odds over whether to rent or buy their next home, with Robyn on Team Rent, Kody on Team Buy and the rest of us on Team Why the Hell Did You All Move to Flagstaff in the First Place? 

Robyn’s wearing her best “Sobbin’ Robyn” frown face as Kody forces her to look at some homes that are for sale in the area. While wandering around the houses, Kody points out where their furniture could go in the homes, while Robyn shuffles her feet around and reminds Kody that she still has her hopes set on landing that perfect rental, despite only having about five days left to do so. 

Kody basically tells her “tough patooties” because time’s getting short and he wants to buy. Robyn tells us that she’s frustrated because Kody is getting pushy. 

Um…getting?! That’s the understatement of the century. That man used up a one-year supply of posterboard in a week to push his one-house idea on you people.

Kody tries to comfort Robyn by telling her if they buy a house now, they can rent the house to someone else when it’s time for the family to build on Coyote Pass.

Wait…what? Does this clown really need one more mortgage to juggle? 

Robyn is not happy about buying anything; however, she does agree that she doesn’t want her children to be homeless. Even a home with Kody in it is better than no home at all…I guess…

Kody tells Robyn they basically have to buy or get out of town (take option number two!) but Robyn is certain that God will soon be taking time out of His or Her busy schedule to provide the perfect rental house for her, her litter and her giant-domed husband. She knows her miracle rental house will be sent from the heavens in time to save her and her kids from life in a cardboard box with Kody. 

Kody wants to buy the house they’re looking at, so Robyn decides to play hardball and tell him she doesn’t like the house. She demands he get the realtor moving on finding a few more options before the end of the week. (Is anyone else liking this demanding, more-bitchy version of Robyn? After a few more years of being married to Kody, she’ll be as disgusted with him as Meri is!)

Speaking of Meri and Kody’s other disgruntled wives, Janelle is unhappy that Kody just wants to collect mortgages the same way he collects assorted hairsprays. Christine, who is currently living in a home that was purchased, knows better than to open her trap and give her opinion on the situation. 

Kody says he’d much rather hear the kids’ thoughts on the houses and see what they think and then have them guilt their mom into going along with what the majority wants. 

Robyn says that (much like her husband’s hairline) their family culture is “eroding” and she doesn’t want to be part of it. She vows to hit her knees more-frequently than a ‘Teen Mom’ star who realized the condom broke again. She’s praying for her miracle to come!

“I’m having a hard time not getting really stupid,” Kody says — which is news to us, by the way. “When I get uncomfortable and I get in a place where I get edgy, I’m not a good husband and I cross the point of no return and I’m doing all I can to just be kind through this process, cause I’m angry and I’m scared and that doesn’t make for a good person.” 

The next day, Robyn and not-really-stupid Kody take their kids and meet up with their real estate agent, Shelbi, to look at another house. As much as we want to like Shelbi and have faith in her housing picks, the fact that she greets Kody by telling him how much she likes his new beard has us setting the bar pretty low for what’s to come. We’re talking like, ’Sister Wives’ husband-selecting standards low.  

He then craps all over Robyn in front of the kids and Shelbi, telling Shelbi that his no-fair wife is going to make him rent a house, but, you know, who cares what she wants? He even says that he’ll “buy the house without her” and tell Robyn “if ya wanna move in, ya can.” 

Robyn is NOT.AMUSED.

Kody randomly stoops down to talk to his littlest crotch goblin, Aurella (or something) and tells her he needs a new house for her. Robyn quickly steps in to assure her confused daughter that Daddy isn’t going to be abandoning her alone at some rando house in the trees, like he made it sound.

“It’s for all of us, honey, not just you. We’ll all be going together,” Robyn assures the kid before shooting Kody a look that reads “STOP TALKING!”

The second they walk into the house, Kody coos at how beautiful the kitchen is.

“Mrs. Brown, doesn’t it make you wanna buy?” he asks Robyn.

Robyn looks like it makes her wanna open up a drawer and pull out a spatula to swat Kody with. (Someone in a mansion on the hill, Meri is cackling “Wicked Witch of the West” style, knowing that she no longer has to deal with this crap because she’s not the “legal wife” anymore.) 

Kody then tells Shelbi not to “even bother with selling to Robyn” because he’s the one who is buying a house, not her. Robyn (and their oldest daughter) both look at Kody in disguist and poor Shelbi giggles uncomfortably, looking like she wants to hide her face behind her poorly blended-in hair extensions.

Kody is asked what the plan is for Coyote Pass and he finally admits that HE is responsible for the family’s unhappiness.

“I moved here an idiot,” he says.

OK…scratch what I said before… because that’s the understatement of the century!

“I was stupid when we moved here,” he says. “Now everybody has enlightened me and now I know it takes two years to get our houses built.” 

Good job, Kody. It only took you over a year, 152 moves, countless arguments with nearly all of your wives, a series of failed Polygamist Barbie Dream House presentations, a near-knockdown, drag-out fight on Coyote Pass and a severe panic attack from one of your kids for you to finally take a smidge of responsibly. Well done, you. 

He then tells Robyn he’s glad to see that she’s now on “his team.” Robyn literally growls at Kody when he says that and yells “I’M NOT ON YOUR TEAM!” 

Kody, without even a bit of self-awareness says that he “thinks” he might be making Robyn mad.

UMMMMM!?

Robyn insists that she’s still waiting for her “miracle” perfect rental house that “God’s going to provide.”

However, just when we think Kody is finally showing some growth, as opposed to being a growth, he slams Robyn for being too loyal to the family rather than thinking of what is best for herself and her kids, which he says is ruining the big picture. 

Or…in other words…not going along with what he wants…

Later on, we take a break from House Hunters: ‘Sister Wives’ edition to check in with Christine during a visit with her daughter Aspyn. As her parents did once upon a (less hostile) time, Aspyn and her husband live in Lehi, Utah, far enough away from the family shenanigans that Aspyn has to be reminded by Christine just how many times the rest of the wives have moved since leaving Las Vegas. 

“Janelle’s moved twice, Robyn will be moving twice,” Christine said. “I’m the only one who has stayed put in the house. I’m the only one who bought.” 

Aspyn tells her mom that buying must have been the smart move, given that Christine is the only wife who hasn’t had to uproot herself since arriving in Arizona. Christine says it kind of was the better option, but at the same time, buying required a large down payment on the house — money that could have otherwise been used towards the Coyote Pass houses, which she feels guilty about. 

Aspyn brings up the fact that Kody and the Sister Wives should have known that buying a bunch of houses in Arizona, while having houses in Vegas, would be expensive. Christine looks kind of confused, like it’s just now dawning on her.

Christine says she would love to move back to Utah, but since the Browns sued the state semi-recently, they don’t think it’s a good idea. 

Christine admits she’s jealous of Aspyn, being around some of their family members, as well as her husband Mitch‘s family. (And, you know, Aspyn gets a whole husband all to herself…and that husband is not Kody…)

She also tells her daughter that Kody is still upset that it was her who rallied the Sister Wives into nixing his “one big house” plan. 

Once again, the seemingly cursed Coyote Property is mentioned and when the director asks Kody and the wives when they think they’ll finally move to the little slice of hell heaven, Janelle — aka Kody’s biggest fan — surprisingly says “never.” 

Unsurprisingly, Meri chimes in and says that she doesn’t “see it happening in the very near future” either. At this point, Kody looks pissed and the only thing we see happening in the very near future is his fuming temper seeping out of his skull and igniting his dry hair into a polygamist fire-pit. 

Back in Flagstaff, Robyn and Kody bring the kids out for another day of house hunting with Shelbi. Both parties have vowed not to fight about renting or buying anymore.

While wandering around the potential new home, oldest daughter Aurora tells Kody that she really likes the place, to which Kody tells her that she’ll have to go to a new high school if they end up buying it.

After seeing that Aurora is thrown off by this news, Robyn rushes in to tell Kody to basically shut the hell up and stop stressing the kids out. He’s literally talking out of his ass about things he has no clue about. (So…business as usual…) The girls look like they’re about to have a total meltdown at the thought of having to change schools again due to a whim of their father’s.

“DON’T FREAK OUT MY KIDS ANYMORE!” Robyn says. 

Robyn tells Kody if this particular house requires the kids to go to a different school, it’s not the right house for them. Kody says he’ll consider applying for a variance to prevent his kids from having to switch schools if they ultimately move into that house… and boy, would we love to hear Kody explain to the city how this situation qualifies as a hardship not of his own doing! 

Kody tells the girls that “mom won’t let them buy a house” but that, since there are no rentals available, they’re “going to have to make a hard choice pretty soon.” 

(Translation: Your mean ol’ mom won’t roll over and do what I want, so pretty soon she won’t have any choice but to go along with another one of my wacky schemes.)

Shelbi tells Kody and Robyn that she’ll propose the idea of renting to the homeowners to see if they’re interested, but she can’t make any promises. 

Kody says he hopes Robyn doesn’t get the miracle she is praying for and have the homeowners agree to rent, because then she will always think she can get her way and think that God will provide what she wants, even if it’s not what Kody wants. 

Next up we check in with Janelle who is back in North Carolina checking in on a very pregnant Maddie. Maddie says she and Caleb are planning to do the whole bathtub birth once again, but are struggling to find a practitioner to oversee the fun event. Maddie and Caleb say Kody is pushing harder than Maddie in said-bathtub to get them to move out to Flagstaff, but they’re not buying that crap…or that extra lot on Coyote Pass for that matter! 

Back in Flagstaff, Kody and Robyn are packing (and trying to resist using the sharp objects as weapons against one another.) Because he and his ponytail live on the edge, Kody pushes Robyn by bringing up the house they looked at the previous day — the one that Robyn is still hoping they will be able to rent. She knows that if she says she likes it, Kody will push her into buying the house.

Kody tells her they need to put an offer in the following day if they want any chance of getting into the house before being kicked to the curb of their current home. Kody then mansplains the process of making an offer on a house. 

Frustrated by Robyn’s continued unwillingness to buy a house, Kody says he’ll call the owner of the house right now and ask if he’s open to renting. Before Kody makes the call, Robyn appears to start understanding Kody’s point that they need to buy, but she does so through tears and while asking if they can still keep an eye out for rentals after they purchase a home. (Umm… )

Kody finally makes the call to the homeowner and despite addressing him by the wrong name, the homeowner says he’ll consider leasing, but he needs to talk it over with his wife first. 

After getting off the phone, Kody tells Robyn if the homeowner says he’s unable to rent the home to them, they need to go ahead and put in an offer to buy. However, Robyn says she doesn’t see the benefits of buying and thinks it will only delay the Coyote Pass homebuilding. This, of course, does not make Kody very happy. 

“My words are going on deaf ears, she doesn’t care,” Kody says. “If her and I were business partners, this is where we would part ways.” 

Kody finally gets Robyn to a solid “sure” regarding the potential purchase of the last home they looked at, but the family’s mounting financial obligations seem to be pushing him closer and closer to a breakdown. This becomes blindingly obviously during his outburst, which may or may not have been the result of an off-camera exorcism. 

Kody screams says that the family should’ve never left Las Vegas, while Robyn chokes back tears and tells him that if he does make an offer on the house, to “make sure the earnest money is low so we can still keep looking for rentals.”

Kody — resisting the urge to throw his chair across the room — tells Robyn nobody should be buying a home without being excited about it.

He says he doesn’t want to feel like he’s forcing Robyn into buying (even though he is) and then waves the fact that their kids are going to be homeless if she doesn’t agree to his plan.

But, you know…no pressure.

Robyn says she’ll go along with Kody’s plan (after his endless brow-beating and pressuring) but she’s not happy about it. 

He also brought a new nickname on himself this episode… 

That’s all for this week! 

On the next episode of ‘Sister Wives’, a forest fire breaks out near Meri’s home and leggings, Robyn continues her fight for a rental home and Maddie gets ready to pop out another bathtub baby, which is somehow a bigger inconvenience to Kody than anyone else in the family, including the person giving birth. 

To read The Ashley’s other ‘Sister Wives’ recaps, click here!

(Photos: TLC)