The Ashley is realizing that all of our lives are slowly turning into those of the Teen Mom OG cast (without the millions of dollars, of course.) We sit on the couch all day (a la Amber), drink at inappropriate times, (hey, if Maci can have Bud Light for breakfast than so can quarantined you!), and don’t go to work (just like, well, everybody on this show.)

Our day planners are now emptier that the Ax Body Spray aisle after Tyler goes shopping!

Since we all have nothing else to do, why don’t we open the trash can and see what our favorite dumpster fires are up to this week, shall we?

We kick things off in Oklahoma because…somehow Mackenzie is still on this show. She recently fired up the ol’ dial-up in order to file divorce papers on her cheatin’, broad-buckin’ husband Josh. The AOL is still sizzling when Josh responds, saying he won’t sign the papers but is willing to trot his sorry, cheating butt over to the house to chat with Mack.

The youngins have gone wild, running through the house with laundry baskets on their heads, screeching and tearing up random boxes and throwing them on the floor (as you do.) Mackenzie can’t be bothered to scold them, as she’s busy trying to figure out what she’s going to say to her cheating cowboy husband when he arrives.

“Sitting at home with screaming kids all alone and going through a divorce, this is not my plan!” Mack wails to Producer Kristen. (This Producer Kristen is not the same Producer Kristen from Jenelle‘s segments, though. That one’s probably still locked in a padded cell, trying to recover from the trauma she suffered at the swamp.)

The sound of wrestling, wailing kids continues to boom through the halls of the McKee house as Josh arrives.

Josh sits down and makes fun of Mackenzie for getting her divorce papers off The Interwebs. (Is there some sort of like off-brand online divorce paper store you can go to? If so, I predict it’s almost surely owned by the same company that owns Gary‘s favorite DNA testing location, “Any Lab Test Now!”)

Mackenzie assures Josh that her “Great Value” divorce papers will hold up in court. Josh mumbles his way though an apology…sort of.

“What do you want from me?” he asks. “I’ll do anything, seriously, just to get this to end.”

Awww…you should send that one to Hallmark, Joshy! They’re always looking for great romantic sentiments to write in their apology cards!

Josh keeps throwing out generic statements like “I’m gonna work on things” but is not giving any actual examples of the changes he’s planning to make (such as…I dunno..not letting random bar ho-bags do “reverse cowgirl” on him out by the dumpsters at Billy’s Bob’s bar…)

He must be paying attention to his ‘Teen Mom’ co-stars because he then suggests they go to counseling. (Is anyone else hoping that counselor Cate and Ty used to go to comes back? The one who looked like Matt Baier in a wig?)

Mackenzie is skeptical that Josh— the man of 3 words, one of which is “Ugh”— came up with this idea to get couples as well as individual counseling. 

“You ain’t gonna know until you actually do it!” he protests. “I’ve already done told you that I will spend my last breath fighting for you!”

(It’s helpful when these people actually speak in the way The Ashley writes their captions!) 

Next, we swing up to Tennessee, where it’s Game Night at Maci’s Mansion. They’re busy filling the Oopsie Babies with whipped cream.

Maci talks about how much she loves being a mom, and how having the Oopsie Babies has motivated her “to make the world a better place”…or something. Maci’s first step in achieving this goal is to order a bunch of multi-colored lights from Amazon to “light the world up” teal to bring awareness to her hormone condition PCOS.

This year, Maci’s got her sights fixed on getting her hometown “lit.”

“My goal is to turn Chattanooga teal!” she tells Taylor.

She plans to take her 12-pack of teal lights to random companies to put in their windows for a few days.

She also has plans to get the tallest building in the city to “go teal” for a few days.

Taylor looks skeptical that a few Amazon garden lights can accomplish such a big task, but Maci is unfazed. She tells Taylor that her plan to get this idea activated is simple: she is going to “bug the s**t out of people” until they do what she wants.

Maci says that by the time her daughter Jayde gets to spawin’ age, she wants there to be a quick test to let her know if she has The PCOS or not. Taylor is proud of Maci for using her ‘Teen Mom’ fame to bring attention to PCOS. 

(Usually ‘Teen Mom’ just brings attention to POS baby daddies…)

Next we head to Indiana, where Amber is reeling after seeing her estranged baby daddy Andrew doing an online interview about her and The Great Machete Caper. She says it’s “really stressing her out”…which basically equates to her going on Instagram Live and ranting and raving like a lunatic. (‘Member this?) 

We are then treated to a few choice Instagram Live rant clips, one of which is Amber denying being abuser, and insisting instead that Andrew is the abuser. 

Then, once again, they use The Ashley’s headline to move their story along. They post the headline to this story, in which The Ashley wrote about how Andrew filed a motion to take Baby James and move back to California.

Naturally, Amber’s “mental health” is taking a hit, so they send over Producer David (who has apparently borrowed Cory‘s adult Pugsley Adams shirt from last week) to sniff around and see if Amber is going to pull any more weapons on anyone.

Amber says that when she found out Andrew wanted to take her son to California, it felt like a train (or…you know…a machete/closed fist/shoe) hit her. She says she’s lost 9 pounds in one week, due to the stress.

Amber says her psychiatrist is asking her if she feels she needs “to be put in a mental hospital.”

(Um…shouldn’t the doctor be determining that, not Amber?)

Amber adds that her doctor is worried that she is suicidal, but she insists she is not. She does admit, though, that on the night she found out about Andrew’s plan to take James to California, she was going through it. She called up Gary, because last time she felt like that, she had called him and he had saved her. 

(In case you’re wondering about the incident Amber is talking about, it was back in 2011. You can read The Ashley’s report from that incident here.) 

Amber vows to keep fighting and to not let Andrew take James away. 

We then go to the currently-Andrew-and-James-less California to check in on Cheyenne. She’s sitting in a pile of giant Ryder portraits (while wearing an MTV T-shirt…as you do), and planning an event for the nonprofit organization she started. Chey is still not happy with Cory for saying she’s an unfocused/bad mother, but she’s going to let him come over and beg her forgiveness because she needs his help at the weekend’s event.

To Cory’s credit, he actually apologizes to Cheyenne for saying what he said, and explains that he didn’t intend for it to come out the way it did. He commends Chey for being an amazing mother and asks her to forgive him for speaking out of his ass.

Cheyenne accepts Cory’s apology and they agree to move forward. 

Cheyenne tells Cory she wants him to help her with the nonprofit event for Ryder. The event will be a fundraiser that will include workout classes, and Chey wants Cory to teach a few classes. He agrees to Jazzercise to raise funds, and to bring Ryder to the event for Cheyenne. 

They talk about how Cory knocking up Cheyenne has resulted in them being “stuck” with each other, but admit that they make a good parenting team. (I mean, neither of them are chasing the other with sharp weapons so they’re already ahead of some people on this show…)

Finally, we head to Michigan. Surprisingly, Catelynn and Tyler aren’t jumping on any planes this week to go on spontaneous vacations or “support” trips. Instead, they’re on the Octagon Farm, being “present for their family.” 

Later, April packs up her Virginia Slims and comes over. All of a sudden, Cate gets a mysterious phone call. As soon as April hears the location the call is coming from, she immediately knows it’s someone calling from jail.

Cate soon finds out that Tyler’s best friend Ashley is the one currently behind bars and looking for a bailout. (Raise your hand if you are surprised it wasn’t Butch?) 

In case you’re unfamiliar with who Ashley is, she was Tyler’s best woman at his wedding, and has made frequent appearances on the show over the years. Catelynn informs us that Ashley’s been struggling with drug addiction and she’s on felony probation. 

Cate claims that Ashley is allegedly sober now, but she currently has a warrant out for her arrest because she missed a drug test. 

The call is connected and a tearful Ashley asks Cate if she can “do her a favor…”

Gee…I wonder what she could want?

Naturally, Ashley asks Catelynn to come spring her from the clink. Ashley says that her bail is $3,000 and, since Cate and Ty have bundles of MTV cash lying around, Ashley knows that they have the ability to bail her out if they want to. She predicts she’ll be behind bars for six months.

Ashley says she is not allowed to have the meds she needs in there, and April chimes in that the county jail Ashley’s in “sucks.” 

Catelynn and April try to do “The Math” and figure out how much cash they’d need in order to bail Ashley out, and April thinks it’s 10 percent, which would be $300 (or…in Cate/Ty terms, one bushel of therapy horse feed or a new tattoo. 

We are then treated to a video montage of the Baltierra Family’s various experiences with jail. We see footage from the fight between April and Butch that led to Butch going to jail, as well as clips of Butch talking about his various trips to the slammer. 

When Tyler returns to the Octagon Farm, Cate informs him that Ash is in the clink.

Tyler is not happy to hear his pal is locked up, but he suggests that her imprisonment may be a “blessing in disguise” since she can’t get her “medicines” in there. Catelynn suggests that her friend could “have seizures and s**t and f**king die and stuff.”

Tyler tells Catelynn she can bond Ashley out if she wants, but anyone with a “logical brain” would know not to do that. He is implying that their experiences with bailing out Butch have not gone well, and that Butch has always gone back to the crack. Cate insists, though, that Ashley is committed to her sobriety. 

Back in Oklahoma, Josh is coming over again to talk about saving this ding-dang marriage. Before he strolls up the steps to the house, though, a bouquet of red roses arrives for Mackenzie. She’s confused as to who sent them to her.

She opens up the card and they’re from Josh. He’s even written a poem on the card for the occasion.

You guys….HE.HAS.WRITTEN.A.POEM.

“Roses are red, violets are blue, will you marry me again, please say ‘I do,'” our tobaccy-spittin’ Shakespeare has written.

Mack’s sister Whitney says it looks like Josh is really trying to make a change, but Mack is skeptical. Later, Josh comes to the house and pats himself on the back for sending Mackenzie the roses.

“That was a nice one!” he tells himself. 

Both Mackenzie and Josh are speaking like they were just shot with a tranquilizer dart. Both seem to be having trouble keeping their eyes open and are muttering.

Mack tells him that, if he does really want to marry her again, he’ll have to shell out the big bucks and buy her a new ring. Grocery store roses ain’t gonna cut it, pal!

Josh says it will take him a few days to do that, but in the meantime, he suggests they go on a couple’s retreat. (Or, at least I think that’s what they said. MTV should do us a solid and provide subtitles on Josh, just like they do with Corey Simms. It’s the right thing to do.) 

Meanwhile in Tennessee, it’s PCOS Awareness Day, and Maci’s itching to see if her Chattanooga connections have lit their buildings up teal for awareness. She wants the whole city “lit” so she and Taylor drive around to see what buildings are “tealed.” 

She’s excited to see that many of the local bars are displaying their teal lights. (I mean…they kind of owe it to Maci at this point; after all, her and Taylor probably account for 85 percent of their annual business.) 

Maci is overjoyed to see that the city’s tallest tower is also lit up teal. We haven’t seen her this happy since she zinged Ryan’s wife Mackenzie on-stage at the Reunion by telling her she’s so “full of s**t that her eyes are brown!”

Taylor–who has somehow acquired a beer (in a Things That Matter koozie, natch)— congratulates Maci on a job well done. 

In Los Angeles, it’s the day of Cheyenne’s non-profit event. The guests and celebrity workout trainers are on their way, so Chey is frantically trying to set up the event area. Cheyenne has called in all the troops to help— Matt, her parents and even her sister, R. You Sure I Can Workout For Free. 

Cheyenne is busy trying to do “The Math” but Matt won’t stop talking to her so she’s getting annoyed. And, even worse, Cory (and Ryder) are still Missing in Action. 

She calls up Cory to see where the hell he is, and he tells her nonchalantly that he’s 45 minutes away. Cheyenne is not happy. After all, the first class is supposed to be starting soon and Cory is scheduled to teach it! 

The “influencer” girls (in their branded leggings and sports bras) have already started pouring in, and Cheyenne is panicking. She tells Producer JC that she’s tired of Cory “dropping the ball.” 

Um…is anyone else going to point out that these poor girls paid for a workout class put on by a ‘celebrity’ trainer….and they were going to get CORY? They’re the ones that are getting the raw deal if you ask me!

Meanwhile in Michigan, Ashley calls Cate again, tearfully begging to be let free. She says she feels like she’s going to die “in this place” (she means “Gel” by the way), and again asks Catelynn to bail her out. Cate is afraid her pal will ditch out on her court date and run, taking their bond money with her. Ashley insists she won’t, and even offers to shack up at the Octagon Farm with Cate and Ty so they can keep an eye on her!

(Hey, she may have to serve as Nova’s pony, but at least it beats that three-hots-and-a-cot life she’s livin’ now!) 

Catelynn tells Ashley she’ll call the bondsman.

Tyler side-eyes Cate as she dials up the bonds bailsman (whom she probably has on speed dial at this point.) He tells her that she’ll need to shell out $350 and to send someone who is employed to “sign responsibility” for Ashley. 

Tyler knows the drill. He knows that if Ash ditches her court date, he and Cate will be on the hook for her full $3,000 bail! He feels bad that he doesn’t want to help his best friend, but he’s heard it all from Ashley before about how she’s changed. Tyler is tired of being everyone’s life line (and cash line) every time they find themselves in trouble— or in jail!

Tyler says that he’s still going to bail Ashley out, but he’s going to make her wait another night before he does. 

The next day, Ty heads off to fetch his friend— with Cate calling out the door “Don’t end up in County!” (I guess in this family’s that’s probably a smart thing to say in these situations.) He grabs some fist-fulls of MTV cash and hits the road.

Soon, he arrives at the jail and picks up a grateful Ashley, who will be staying with him and Cate until her court date. On the drive home, a producer asks Ashley over the phone how she landed in the clink, and Ash explains that she got caught with heroin two years ago (as you do). She said she was supposed to “drop” randomly once a week (that means provide a urine sample for a drug test) but she missed one and got a warrant.

Finally, we head back to Indiana, where Amber is dealing with the leaked audio recordings of her yelling, cussing out and threatening Andrew. (These are the ones that were released back in the Fall of 2019.) Amber tells us that the tapes were recorded “without her knowledge” and she is not happy about them! Amber claims the recordings are from months ago when she was “going through post-partum depression.”

To MTV’s credit, they actually do play a few clips of the audio recordings, including one part in which Amber can be heard telling Andrew he “deserved it” after she hit him. They also play one in which Amber threatens Andrew’s life. 

However, MTV states that the recordings were made in 2018, which isn’t exactly accurate.

Soon, Amber is sobbing on the phone with Gary, who doesn’t look the least bit surprised that his abusive ex went all “Mike Tyson” on another one of her baby daddies.

Amber is mad— not at herself for doing and saying the horrible things heard on the recordings. She’s mad that Andrew recorded her without her knowledge while doing/saying those things.

“He’s just smearing me!” Amber wails. “He makes me sound horrible!”

Gary, who doesn’t want to be bothered during his Lazy Boy relax time, can barely muster an “Mmm-hmmm” for his ex.

Later, he does attempt to console Amber.

“Everybody makes mistakes. The only difference is that yours are on national TV and broadcast through social media,” Gary said.

Amber is crying because James will someday learn how awful she was…while she was going through post-partum. She’s worried he will blame himself.

That’s all for this week! Until next time– keep your audio recordings out of the public and don’t miss one of your pee “drops!” 

To read The Ashley’s recap of the previous ‘Teen Mom OG’ episode, click here! 

(Photos: MTV)