If quarantine life has got you down, we may not be able to cheer you up, but we can certainly make you appreciate the fact that your shelter-in-place mate isn’t Kody Brown… 

It’s time for another episode of Sister Wives! 

This episode kicks off with something on fire. And, no, it’s not Janelle‘s loins because Kody has pulled his rat’s nest of a hairdo into a ponytail. It’s actually the forest around Meri‘s house that’s aflame, so the whole family is there, hurling Meri’s belongings into their cars because the fire is getting dangerously close.

“There’s a forest fire that’s been burning and it started getting really bad yesterday and I just got notified that I’m on a pre-evacuation notice,” Meri explains. “They are warning everyone to get ready for evacuation.” 

Yes, kids, it’s time for our weekly episode of “Brown Family Move-a-Wife!”

As helicopters fly overhead, Meri’s surplus of denim shirts and assorted funky-print clothes are shoved into boxes, though Meri seems less than concerned about the majority of the junk — all of which she’s already moved approximately 10 times in the last year. 

Kody man-splains to us how the other Sister Wives’ homes are safe, while Meri’s is not. Janelle’s home is across the highway from Meri’s so unless this fire is a long-jumper, her house is safe…according to Kody, anyway. 

Meri tells Kody to stop trying to load every last thing she has to her name in the back of the makeshift moving truck and instead to make sure their finalized divorce papers make it out of the house safely.  

Kody explains that this was Robyn‘s week to be the “Move-a-Wife,” so their big moving trailer is already full of Robyn’s crap. (Don’t ya hate it when two of your four wives need to move the same week?!) He now has to take out Robyn’s crap and put it in Christine‘s storage shed (which is likely where Kody will be sleeping if he doesn’t stop man-splaining). He can then use the trailer for Meri’s containers of self-tanner and other assorted crap.

Kody resists the urge to tell his wives that none of this would be happening if they had all just moved into a tent on Coyote Pass like he suggested. 

After Kody leaves, the stress begins to set in and Meri starts to get emotional. She snaps at Christine, points a bronzed finger right in her face and screams at her for goofing off. 

“I need my house moved!” Meri wails.

In a matter of seconds, she goes from yelling at Christine to full-on crying in Robyn’s arms. 

“Meri’s at the end of her rope,” Janelle tells us. 

Everyone just stands around, silently watching Meri’s meltdown before some of the older kids help her gather photos and papers. 

Meri takes a moment to focus on what really matters. 

Robyn tells us that, luckily, Meri can redraw on her eyebrows, if needed, but she can’t stop a forest fire. 

I think that quote needs to be made into a bumper sticker, no?

Meri tearfully tells Robyn that she just unpacked everything into her new rental the previous day and has yet to organize anything, only to now have to quickly run through the house and figure out what needs to be repacked. She also begins to wonder if the evacuation notice was more of a precaution or if her house is actually at risk, but she continues to sort and stuff things into boxes anyway.

Meanwhile, because Meri’s house is only a mile away from her own, Janelle starts to question whether she should be boxing stuff up at her place, too, just in case the wind happens to shift and she has to evacuate as well. 

Soon, Meri’s a madwoman, sobbing and hurling things around her garage. Robyn tells us that “this is stupid and shouldn’t be happening.” And by “this,” Robyn means playing the ring-around-the-Flagstaff-houses. If Kody hadn’t ruined everyone’s lives and moved them all to Flagstaff, they’d all be safe in Vegas on the Cul-de-Sac of Broken Dreams. 

Meri would still have her wet bar, and her tiny statues wouldn’t be in danger of burning to a crisp. 

Instead, she’s in a nearly burning rental house— her 117th since moving to Flagstaff— hyperventilating into a leggings shipping bag.

Suddenly, though, Meri discovers something that cheers her right up: her useless marriage certificate from her once-legal marriage to Kody.

Robyn suggests she go fetch her marriage certificate and she and Meri go out and try to woo the fire to come their way so the certificates can be torched. 

I think that’s nice…

Robyn then explains she wishes none of the Sister Wives were legally married to Kody (I’ll bet!), only because it causes destruction in the family since most of the wives can’t be legally wed to him.

In other Bad Times for the Browns news, Robyn reveals that the owner of the home she and Kody were hoping to rent has decided to keep his house listed for sale. Because of this, they are left with four days to pack up their rental house and move, possibly to a home that Kody picked out and has put in an offer for. 

Robyn says she and Kody are not ready to purchase this house, so they may be renting it until they close on their purchase. Or, Robyn says, until they find another house to rent. 

Seriously, is this episode of ‘Sister Wives: House Hunters’ every going to end?!?! 

While two of Kody’s potentially (soon-to-be) homeless wives compare war stories, Meri states what we’re all thinking right now. 

“Would this be a bad time to say we probably wouldn’t have had to deal with this if we lived in Las Vegas,” Meri says to Robyn, all while wrapping her breakables in random towels and placing them into a plastic storage bin, yet again. (If I were Meri, I would have saved a few porcelain ducks to chuck at Kody’s head for getting us into this mess!) 

A few minutes later, Kody and Christine arrive back at Meri’s house and Meri apologizes to Christine for yelling at her. After that, she reveals to the family that she has no intention of leaving her house, nor does she plan on allowing her leggings to leave, until she receives the official evacuation notice.

So…basically all of this moving/sobbing/breathing into bags was for nothing? Janelle looks like she wants to take that “rope” that Meri’s “at the end of” and strangle Meri with it.

Meri tells Kody and the Sister Wives that she has work to do and she’s not about to let a little natural disaster get in the way of her putting on a kick ass flash sale! #GetItWhileItsHot

Kody tries to explain that, if she fries in her Leggings Mansion because she refused to evacuate, she’ll have no one to blame but herself. Still, Meri insists that she’s staying– and working— until the roof burns off!

Before he leaves, Kody offers some “words of encouragement” to Meri. 

“Remember, if the wind hits, it’s over, the house goes up!” he tells her.

Over in North Carolina, things are also tense (though far less smoky) when Maddie begins having contractions while Caleb is still out of town working. 

The next day, Maddie’s contractions continue so she loads up her toddler, Axel, in the car to head to the bathtub birthing center, just as Janelle arrives in town. (She’s probably thrilled to get away from all the “Moving Fun” going on in Flagstaff!)

Janelle tells us that Meri’s house did not go up in flames, so that’s good…

Maddie says she’s “1,000 percent done being pregnant” and hopes that she’s in labor. She tells her midwife that it took her 86 hours of labor to shoot out Axel (most of which was witnessed by her family sitting in folding chairs around the bathtub.) 

The midwife looks horrified.

We’re then treated to some flashbacks of the 86-hour labor Maddie so kindly agreed to film back in 2017, along with the horror movie sounds that came along with it. 

Maddie’s midwife informs her that she’s not in labor and that her baby is just doing what the Brown family does best: moving a ton.

Maddie is sent on her way so she goes out and explains to Janelle that she flew across the country for nothing.

Back in Flagstaff, it’s time for Robyn and Kody to move and we learn that they are relocating and purchasing a home Kody liked (shocker) after making an arrangement with the sellers to short-term rent until they close. (Are you confused? OK, good, me too…)

Even though she’s not too happy with her life or husband having to purchase a home, Robyn says the upside is that the house is fully furnished, including linens and towels. Evidently, when you share your husband with three other women, you’re also cool with things like pre-worn sheets, etc. 

Um…ew.

Robyn says her kids are “bummed out” about leaving their current house (and having to sleep in used sheets), while Kody says retrospectively, he wishes they would’ve just bought it. (Wait, that was an option?!) Nevertheless, once they arrive at the new place, the kids seem to like it. (Hey— it beats living in a tent!) 

“I don’t have time to be sad about it because I’m too darn busy moving!” Kody tells us.

Wait…why the hell would Kody be sad? He got exactly what he wanted…short of his Polygamy Barbie Dream House. 

Robyn says if the purchase on the house doesn’t end up going through, there’s a house on the way to Sedona that the family can rent as a last resort. Kody says having a house 30 minutes away from the rest of the family is absurd because he already spends a lot of time commuting each week. 

“I spend hours a week driving between homes, so if we decide to rent a house half way to Sedona, that’s just too far,” he says. “That is too far in my book and that is about my relationship with my children, it’s not even about my wives. That’s about how much distance I have between my kids.” 

After some eye-rolling and few tears, Robyn tells Kody she’s going to continue looking for rentals. She seems upset that her miracle rental house prayers went unanswered.

Later on, Kody and Robyn end up at the Coyote Pass Property, arguing picking out spots to park their moving trucks until they officially move into their new home that they may or may not actually stay in. 

So…basically they’re going to leave most of their belongings in moving trucks (that we can assume they’ve just purchased at this point?) and hope that they aren’t looted, stolen and/or inhabited by forest hobos? Great plan as usual, Kody! 

“It’s ridiculous, and it’s pathetic, and it makes me feel terrible,” Kody said.

Well…yeah…you really should…

Robyn suggests they park the trucks under the trees so that their possessions don’t melt in the heat. Kody ignores Robyn’s logical suggestion that they at least park the trucks on flat ground, and insists that they drive the trucks up a steep hill. 

Finally, Ryan puts her foot down, and tells Kody that (for once) he’s not getting his way. He agrees. Meanwhile, poor Dayton— who has essentially been moving crap/trucks/furniture/Meri’s leggings for weeks straight— looks like he’d prefer life as a forest hobo over being the Brown Family’s personal moving man.

The other Sister Wives are on the couch, making fun of how far away their reality is from what Kody promised them when he got them to move to Flagstaff. 

Over in North Carolina, we check back in with Janelle and Maddie (and now Caleb, too) as Maddie arrives back at the birthing center. After checking in with the midwife, Maddie is advised to take a walk to get things moving along further and asked to return in a couple hours. Meanwhile, Kody calls and tells them he and Christine are hopping on a plane and heading that way soon. 

Of course, Kody’s plan is a mess. It’s an hour from when his plane is due to take off, and Christine hasn’t even picked Kody up yet. 

Maddie, meanwhile, could care less who comes, just as long as the baby does.

Maddie and Caleb arrive back at the birthing center and are told that walking did not manage to turn the baby, therefore they resort to binding Maddie’s stomach with cloth and sending her on her way. Again. They head to their hotel to be with Janelle and Axel and shortly after, Kody and Christine arrive. (Luckily, they didn’t bring the folding chairs with them but…was it really necessary for three of the family’s five parents to go across country for a birth!?)

Like the rest of his family, Axel wants nothing to do with Kody and refuses to say hi to him. Smart kid.

Janelle tells Kody to go ahead and stay with Christine that night because she wants nothing to do with him either. Because she’s exhausted…and he’s, well, Kody…

Before long, Kody is looking for a pat on the back for all the sacrifices he has to make as the husband in a plural marriage.

Sorry, Kody… that must be super tough for you! You had to leave two of your wives who are nearly homeless — neither of whom can even stand you at the moment — and fly across the country to visit with your daughter, son-in-law and grandson while awaiting the arrival of your newest grandchild?! Sounds horrible! How do you do it?! 

That’s all for this week! We’ll have to wait until next episode to watch Maddie shoot another Brown Family spawn into the world for a life of constant moving.

To read The Ashley’s previous ‘Sister Wives’ recaps, click here! 

(Photos: TLC)