Gather ’round kiddies for yet another educational episode of Teen Mom OG! The moms are here to teach us fans important life skills including (but not limited to): how to get probation regardless of the crime you commit (a la Amber); how to interact with zoo animals and/or your baby mama (courtesy of Ryan), and of course, how to get your squatter boyfriend to break up with you (by Cheyenne). 

Let’s get to it! The girls have so much to teach us!

First we head to Indiana to pick up where we left off with Amber last week. Gary is sitting in his car next to the ambulance that contains a passed-out Amber (or something). He’s eager to get home to more comfortable accommodations (i.e. his Lazy Boy deluxe), but is waiting to make sure Amber is OK. He calls Kristina to update her on Amber’s latest “emergency.” 

“Basically she’s tired and she didn’t eat today,” Gary explains, before telling Kristina that Amber has been reluctant to agree to see an “anger-management person.” 

Just then Producer David appears at Gary’s car door with Amber. (She’s wearing her extra-thick “Velma from ‘Scooby Doo'” glasses so we know this is a serious scene.) She tells Gary that she doesn’t remember passing out, or if she ate that day.

Dr. Gary has a solution to Amber’s medical problem, naturally…

“Sounds like ya need a Mountain Dew Slushy!” he proclaims. 

As Dr. Gary speeds his patient to the nearest 7-11 for her caffeine-filled elixir, Amber tells Gary that she has set up an appointment with the “anger-management person.” Gary is thrilled (and the men of Indiana are collectively sighing in relief.) Amber thanks Gary for being there for her to provide her with soda-infused slushies AND support…and stuff.

Later, Amber tells us that her lawyer has brought news of a plea deal in her criminal case. (This is stemming from The Great Machete Caper on the 4th of July, in case you’re confused.) It’s a good deal: two-and-a-half years of probation and “some other stuff,” but it will keep Amber from returning to “Gel.” Since she’s not ready to go back to that “Jolly Rancher Hairspray Life,” Amber is thrilled and hoping the judge signs off on it. 

Producer David (who is wearing a hobo cap that may or may not be covering a helmet because…safety first), asks Amber what she’s hoping happens in court. Amber says she wants all the court crap done with so she can return to her busy life of resting on the couch and lying in bed.

Amber tells Producer David that “this has all been hell.”

We then cut to a few days later (Halloween, appropriately), which is the day of Amber’s plea deal hearing. She strides into court proudly on the arm of Producer Larry, and Gary and Kristina, as well as Andrew arrive shortly after. (Gary is wearing his very best courtin’ T-shirt for the occasion. His “Dad Bod” tee isn’t appropriate for legal situations, apparently.)

MTV is not invited into the court room, but somehow they manage to get a mic in there to record Andrew’s victim impact statement. (If you want to listen to that, click here.) 

“Be a mother, for once in your life!” Andrew’s voice booms over a cartoon drawing of Amber & Co. in court.

We see Amber walking out of court, and she tells us that the judge has signed off on the plea deal. They then jump to a very creepy, filmed-while-they-were-hiding-between-two-pillars shot of Andrew. Since Ol’ Andy refused to film with them unless MTV paid him Gary-level cash, they have to be sneaky about getting shots of him. 

Over in Tennessee, Maci & Co. are about to celebrate that special day 11 years ago when Bentley shot out of Maci’s underage hoo-ha. She says she still hasn’t heard whether or not Ryan and Mackenzie will be gracing them with their presence at Bentley’s birthday party. Ryan’s still invited, despite the fact that he’s legally forbidden from interacting with Maci (and, judging by his appearance this season, apparently also a hairbrush). 

Speaking of Ryan, we then head to Mimi Jen and Papa Larry‘s house, where they’re explaining away Ryan’s restraining-order-worthy behavior by saying Ryan was “triggered” by talk of Bentley, Taylor and Maci.

Honestly, if there was one word I could erase from ever hearing again on this show it would be “triggered.” 

Jen says she’s worried that Ryan will “get upset” seeing Maci and Taylor at the birthday party. Larry says his solution is to just completely avoid talking about certain subjects, such as Maci, Taylor, Ryan, restraining orders and all things “triggering.”

Over at Maci’s Mountain Mansion, Maci is complaining that the Oopsie Babies have been throwing crap all over the house and destroying things. 

Taylor and Maci begin to talk about Bentley’s party, and whether or not Ryan and Mack will make an appearance. Taylor says he can see why they wouldn’t want to go, what with the “restraining order and stuff.” 

Maci and Taylor vow to “be cordial” should Ryan and Mackenzie show their mugs at the party.

We next head to Oklahoma, where Mackenzie (the other one) is thrilled that Josh has moved back home and has agreed to stop going on the road to buck broncos (not to mention bar hos).

Since she’s not spending time tracking down Josh (and his trouser snake), Mackenzie can spend more time with her mom, Angie.

Mack decides to go to her mom’s house to bring her some good news… but, of course, that “good news” is about herself.

Mack explains that some girl who owns a cheer gym slide into her DMs and offered her a job.

Wait…can they say that word on this show? The “J” word!? Won’t that “trigger” some of the other cast members?

Mackenzie tells her mom that she’s excited that she can now (sort of) fulfill her dreams of being a 25-year-old mother of three cheerleader. 

“I had to give up on that dream when I got pregnant with Gannon,” she tells her mother. 

Mackenzie tells her mom that she will be expected to travel to about four to six cheer competitions a year. (Who will keep an eye on Joshy’s roaming trouser snake while she’s gone?!) Angie brings up the double standard that comes with Mack being allowed to go on the road, but not Josh.

Well, to be fair, Mackenzie wasn’t bumpin’ uglies with randos ’round back of Billy Bob’s on the regular, so….

We then head over to California. After making the super tough decision to compete on the next season of The Challenge, Cory (who we know hates all the attention he gets every time he appears on a crappy MTV reality show) gets ready to skip town for a couple of months to try to win some money.

While Cheyenne has some extra slack to pick up in Corey’s absence, she has bigger things to worry about at the moment, specifically her boyfriend Matt who is still living for free in her house. Unfortunately, things between Matt and Cheyenne have grown tense lately, right as the group is planning to go to Thailand to celebrate Cheyenne’s sister’s birthday. (Haven’t these people ever heard of going to the Olive Garden to celebrate a birthday? Is a trip to Thailand really necessary?) 

Cheyenne explains that she and Matt got into an argument at a family get-together over asparagus (as you do), and the fact that Cheyenne finds it highly offensive when it’s placed on or near her plate, because it makes her pee stink. Yes, that was their breaking point. 

Cheyenne says she plans to cancel Matt’s ticket to Thailand and soon she hears that he and his asparagus-loving self are crashing at a friend’s house. Meanwhile, Cheyenne and her friend Remy work on getting their event-planning company up and running. Their first gig: Cheyenne’s nephew’s first birthday — another thing Chey’s sister, R. You Giving Me The Family Discount, will gladly accept for free. 

Finally, we head over to Michigan. With Butch not around, Cate and Tyler are forced to invite their friend Ashley to share her court adventures with the ‘Teen Mom’ cameras. While Cate holds things down at home with the kids and assorted farm animals, Tyler escorts Ashley to the courthouse for a hearing regarding her probation violation. 

Tyler tells Ashley she’ll be lucky if the judge lets her walk out of court that day, but Ashley is hopeful, being that “at this day” she’s “not any kind of threat to society” and somewhat “of an asset.”

Ashley also notes that she pays taxes and isn’t a bum, (unlike some people who will remain nameless…) which already puts her leaps and bounds above half the soulmates that the moms on this franchise have selected over the years. 

Fortunately for Ashley, the judge decides not to throw her in the clink and instead, only extends her probation by six months. For some reason, Tyler thinks it’s a good idea to share this news with Cate by pranking her and telling her on the phone that Ashley has been thrown in prison for a year — the exact sort of thing that Cate and Tyler have actually seen happen to their family and friends over the years. 

To add to how jacked up this scene really is, we then hear Nova in the background asking if there’s another person in her life that she needs to start drawing prison pictures for… 

After getting off the phone with Cate, Ashley and Tyler continue eating lunch and start talking about the many times Tyler accompanied Butch to court. Tyler says unlike Ashley, Butch never really accepted any help (just money) and that Tyler just wants Ashley to keep a clean nose/record…and maybe hose down her sleeping quarters once in a while. 

Over in Tennessee, Ryan talks to Mackenzie (who is pregnant with their second Oopsie Baby) about his fight with his father. Ryan says he’s mad that Larry had “an attitude towards him.” 

Ryan, who is wiping his nose constantly and speaking in a more nasal tone than Cheyenne does (so you know that’s nasally), says he doesn’t understand why his dad gets so mad at him. 

Mackenzie apparently thinks this is the perfect time to bring up that other thing that makes Ryan “so mad”: Maci! Mack says she let Maci know that she and Ryan would not be going to Bentley’s party, due to the restraining order Maci and Taylor have against Ryan. 

Ryan says he doesn’t want everyone kissing Maci’s ass. 

The next day is Bentley’s birthday party at the zoo. Maci, Taylor, Bentley and the Oopsie Babies meet up with Jen and Larry to take a private tour. They walk around looking at assorted animals, including a monkey who really wants some camera time. 

We then cut to Mackenzie, Ryan and their dog (?) driving down the highway on their way to the zoo party.

By the time they arrive, Bentley is already having his birthday cake in the party room. Ryan says he’s nervous to make an appearance at the zoo party.

(Also…why the hell are there Santa Claus decorations all over the zoo? Bentley’s birthday falls right before Halloween. Did they really wait two months to have this poor kid’s five-person sad birthday party?) 

Ryan and Mack come into the party and no one really seems excited to see them. Even Bentley just gives them a small smirk.

The whole crew then goes back out into the zoo, and Maci says she’s glad Ryan and Mack made an appearance, but is sure to point out that they were “a little late.” (You know what they say though: better late than pregnant! Oh…wait…Mackenzie is pregnant. Never mind.)

Maci decides to “socially distance” herself from Ryan and Mackenzie. (Little does she know that skill will come in handy a few months down the road.) She places the Oopsie Babies on a camel to ride.

Meanwhile, Ryan, ever the environmentalist, is expressing his thoughts on zoo animals. 

“I feel sorry that camel. I feel bad for these damn animals,” he says. “It’s like they’re in permanent jail.”

Maci is making a big show of how she’s avoiding Ryan and Mackenzie, acting like they’ve got leprosy or something. Meanwhile, Mack and Ryan don’t even seem to care where the hell Maci is. Ryan’s more excited about going to see the “dragons” than anything else.

For the love of the Jesus God Leah, please tell me these zoo people didn’t, like, put fake wings on an alligator or something and call it a dragon.

Ryan’s behavior at the zoo is, um, “quirky.” He’s running around gesturing wildly at the animals, and wandering around with his long-lost bulging eyeballs. Finally, he decides he’s had enough animal fun for the day and bids Bentley goodbye.

Maci, meanwhile, is standing in the corner, trying to be all inconspicuous. She’s acting like she thinks Ryan’s going to pick up Bentley and heave him into the crocodile pit or something.

Meanwhile, in Oklahoma, Mackenzie is heading to her first interview at the cheer dream job. She goes to some sort of warehouse, where she meets up with the lady from Instagram. Mack observes some girls who are twisting and flipping around the floor (but not a “Butch on a bender way.”)

The lady explains that Mackenzie would be expected to teach classes, coach cheer and attend competitions. They make a plan for Mack to start working at the facility.

Later, Mackenzie sits down with Josh to talk about the job. Josh surprises Mack by telling her he thinks it’s “awesome” that she will have to travel a lot. Josh grumbles about “working it out” (or something— seriously, MTV, SUBTITLES. PLEASE.)

Mackenzie is thrilled to be back into the world of cheer.

“I can watch the kids if I have to,” Josh grunts.

“I hate to put that on you, though,” Mack replies. (Are these not his kids too?) 

They vow to work together on “their dreams.” 

In California, it’s time to check in with Cheyenne’s squatter soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend Matt. He explains to his friends that his love language (asparagus appreciation) isn’t being met. (The Ashley swears that not all people from California talk like this.)

Anyway, Matt says he knows he and and Cheyenne need to talk about their relationship.

The next day, Matt goes to see Cheyenne and she tells him that she doesn’t need to show affection, be nice or tell him she loves him in order to actually love him.

Matt looks confused (rightfully so), but he tells Cheyenne he respects her wishes to have some space. He then mumbles that he loves her while walking down the sidewalk, to which Cheyenne doesn’t respond, because according to her, her love language is no language at all.  

We head back to Tennessee one final time. It’s the day after Bentley’s zoo party and Inspector Maci decides that Ryan was acting like he was “off” (translation: “HIGH! HIGH!”) at the zoo. She has one of her friends come over so they can talk crap on Ryan’s substance abuse issues. (They do this over beers, naturally). 

“I’ve seen him look better,” Maci says of Ryan, adding that in her opinion, he was “100 percent not sober.” 

Maci says she wishes “someone” who is close to Ryan would take charge of the situation and ask Ryan if he needs to get help again. 

Back in Indiana, Gary (maxin’ and relaxin’ in his trusty recliner) chats with Kristina about Amber’s court hearing. They say that they think Amber was “overwhelmed and upset.”

UM…?!? She got off easy. She could be bent over in some jailhouse right now getting a full cavity search and being fitted for a bright orange jumpsuit! (Surely Maci and Taylor would have later hooked her up with TTM-branded “Gel” clothes, though.) 

Kristina says that it seemed to bother Amber when Andrew was reading his statement.

Gary suggests that Andrew was trying to “rile” Amber up with that speech, and says that Andrew is obviously trying to “taunt” Amber into going off on him, thus violating her probation and sending her back to “Gel” for five years.

UM?!?! WHY ISN’T IT AMBER’S FAULT IF AMBER CHOOSES TO “GO OFF,” KNOWING SHE’S ON PROBATION!? Come on, Gary. She has the option to ignore any “taunting” and do nothing, like an adult. Not every action from Andrew requires a reaction from Amber (and an Instagram Live rant). 

Clearly, though, the girls on this show have trouble “adulting,” and, honestly, that just doesn’t make for good TV anyway. 

Gary says he informed his daughter Leah that “mommy’s on probation and gets to stay out of prison.”

I think that’s nice…hopefully they recorded this in Leah’s milestone book.

Gary admits that he’s skeptical that Amber will refrain from screwing up again and landing herself in the clink, so he’s hesitant to tell Leah too much information yet.

“She just has to watch her P’s and Q’s,” Kristina says.

(We can assume “P” is for “Punches” and “Q” is for “Questionable Decisions.”) 

Meanwhile, just as Gary suspected, Amber is having a really hard time keeping her big trap shut when Andrew makes statements about her. She calls up trusty Gary so she can have someone to complain to and he comes over. They sit down—where else?— on Amber’s couch and Amber launches into a rant about all the stuff she has to do to meet the requirements of her probation. She must refrain from talking poorly about/beating the BeJesus out of Andrew, AND she has take “absolutely ridiculous” parenting classes.

She must also go to a psychiatrist and a therapist (once a week each).

Amber says she’s “so confused” about what she’s allowed to talk about in regard to Andrew, even though she says her lawyers have repeatedly told her not to say anything about him at all.

So…basically, DON’T SAY ANYTHING.

“I’m hurt and stuck and I can not speak about certain things!” Amber proclaims.

Meanwhile, Gary looks like he’s gnawing on his own lip to keep from telling Amber that she’s lucky she’s not someone’s prison bitch right now, trading smooches for Top Ramen packets.

“You give someone probation but you also say that they can’t do a certain thing for two-and-a-half years?!” Amber says. “I feel like you’re settin’ that person up for failure.”

Or, you know, you could NOT DO THAT CERTAIN THING.

See ya in the clink, Ambie! At least it will be more interesting to recap the prison episodes…

To read The Ashley’s recap of the previous ‘Teen Mom OG’ episode, click here!

(Photos: MTV)