Howdy, fellow trash TV lovers! It’s time to check in again with MTV’s favorite not-so-underage breeders, the gals of Teen Mom OG! It’s basically business as usual in DumpsterFireVille, with Amber meeting some new rando off the Internet and moving him into her house (as you do); Catelynn and Tyler trying to help whatever lowlife friend/family member has most recently relapsed; and Bentley basically killing it at life while his parents spend their time bitching about each other.
Also, The Ashley would like to state that she will not be recapping Mackenzie‘s scenes from this episode. She is shown here dealing with the aftermath of her mom’s death, and, since there is nothing funny about that at all, The Ashley has decided to skip her entire portion.
Let’s (dumpster) dive right into this episode, shall we?
We kick things off in Michigan, where where the gang is celebrating Nova’s fifth birthday at an indoor trampoline park. (Hopefully they didn’t let April make the party favors. No kid wants a Blowpop covered in ciggie smoke residue.)
Almost everyone is there, stuffing their faces with MTV-paid-for pizza and bouncing on the indoor trampolines. “Cellee”-turned-permanent-houseguest Ashley is in attendance, as is April and the assortment of random friends Cate and Ty drag over to their house when they need someone to bitch to on-camera.
After the festivities, they all head back to the Octagon Farm, where Cate tells us that Ashley has been camping out in their living room for free for a couple of months already. Things were going well until they “caught her in a lie.”
Producer Kerthy, who is sporting braided hair and is all bundled up like she’s Pocahontas on her way to Siberia, is trying to get the dirt on what happened with Ashley.
Tyler informs her that Ashley was instructed to take Tyler’s car to work and then come home. She didn’t come home one night, so Tyler automatically assumed Ashley was ’round back of the Steak ‘n’ Shake slammin’ heroin like Ryan Edwards circa 2018. Ashley had told him she was hanging out with her old co-worker, but Tyler can identify BS even better than Debz OG can identify a “belligerent, Anti-Christ attitude.”
He knew Ashley was lying, so he decided to “swing by” Ashley’s ex-girlfriend’s house and, sure enough, there was his car parked out front of the house.
He calls up Ash, who promptly lies to him about her whereabouts. Tyler sends a pic he took of the car parked in front of the house, and Ashley smothers him in apologies. (She doesn’t want to ruin her free room and board! Ashley knows a good squat when she sees one!)
Tyler and Catelynn are concerned that Ashley’s lies are signaling her return to “addict behavior.” Cate says she and Tyler don’t want that kind of instability around their kids.
Next, we head to Indiana to check in on Amber, who is in great spirits. (Don’t ya love it when Amber has just mail-ordered herself a new couchmate? She’s always in such a great mood!) Her latest moocher has been Airmailed all the way from the country of France , er… Europe… er…Belgium and she’s excited to see how many happy days/weeks/months they can have before the cops are called to the home and/or he takes off with a backpack of her ‘Teen Mom’ cash.
Amber claims she’s “waffling” a bit on meeting her Belgium soulmate (pun intended), so she’s enlisted Gary to take her to airport when she picks Dimitri up. (The real question is: will Kristina have to tie Gary’s Lazy Boy recliner to the top of the car, a la Granny from The Beverly Hillbillies so he can pick up Amber’s latest degenerate while relaxing in maximum comfort?)
For some reason, Gary has agreed to participate in this shenanigan.
Let’s go over the facts: Amber is too afraid to go to the airport on her own to pick up this rando, yet she’s moving him into her house for three months? That makes sense. (After all, this is “Teen Mom.’)
Kristina, being the saint that she is, doesn’t question it, and thinks it’s a good idea for Gary to go with Amber for safety reasons.
Kristina and Gary then go from caring co-parents to Amber’s parents.
“Did you talk to Amber about birth control?” Kristina asks Gary.
Wait…um…WHAT?!
First of all, no one on this show is allowed to use birth control apparently (it is ‘Teen Mom’). And, second, Amber is NEARLY 30 YEARS OLD. She’s been to “gel.” She’s had two oopsie babies. She’s kicked someone down the stairs. She’s old enough to figure out her own birth control methods for whenever she decides to bonk her Belgium boy toy. Her first baby daddy should not be responsible for giving her “the talk.”
The spermicide-free s**tshow continues, as Gary tells Kristina that he’s been meaning to have that talk with Amber.
Um….Gar? You’re about 12 years (and about four live-in soulmates) too late, bro…
Kristina has the solution to Gary’s problem (and possibly all problems, ever).
“Take them some Gary Time condoms for God’s sakes!” she tells him.
For those of you who are not familiar with the wonder that is a Gary Time condom, allow The Ashley to explain. A while back (like two Amber soulmates ago or so), Gary created his own line of condoms, all of which came with his smiling mug plastered across the packaging. Each condom wrapper comes with a Gary-esque sexy time slogan, such as “Get your Gary on” or “It’s Gary Time.”
The condoms, which, in The Ashley’s opinions are too good to be used to bang local hoodlums and hoe-bags, are suitable for framing. They are also “99 percent ‘Gary-ntied” to keep you from having an insane baby mama you’ll have to parent in 11 years! (They even work better than Gary’s former contraception method: wrapping cellophane around his, um, Little Gary and praying for slow-swimming sperm!)
Gary promises Kristina he’ll tell Dimitri to “wrap it” and then they both just stand there and act like this isn’t the creepiest damn thing we’ve heard in a long time.
The next night, Gary (sans roof-strapped recliner, sadly) picks up Amber so they can go fetch her Brussels booooooooooooyfriend.
Gary, always keeping it classy, asks Amber what she plans to do with Dimitri that night, other than “speak your love language.” (Aka bang the Belgium BeJesus out of him).
They arrive at the airport and then Gary gets out of the car (not Amber for some reason?) and goes to fetch Dimitri. Finally, the Queen dethrones and goes to welcome Dimitri with a kiss, as poor Gary loads his suitcases into the car.
To give it that full “cabbie” effect, Ambie climbs into the backseat with Dimitri. (She doesn’t introduce her baby daddy to her future baby daddy, sadly. I was kind of looking forward to the, “Dimitri, this is the guy I kicked down the stairs that one time and had a baby with” intro.)
Luckily, Amber and Dimitri refrain from “speaking their love language” right then in the backseat of Gar-Bear’s truck. He does tell them how cute they look together. Amber smiles happily, as Dimitri tries to figure out if Gary approves of their relationship…or if he just offered to buy them some Slurpies from the 7-11.
“I understand that,” a lying Dimitri says.
Gary then hands over a few “Gary Times” to Dimitri, informing him that if he plans to bang his baby mama, he needs to wrap it up. Amber beams with pride.
“I’m thinking your face now!” Dimitri says.
WHAT THE HELL ARE WE WATCHING? SERIOUSLY.
Dimitri thanks the large American man for the free penis covers. (He will probably go back to Belgium and tell his buddies that all of the cab drivers in America give you free rubbers with every ride from the airport purchased!)
Next we check in with Maci. We find the McKinney household in a pickle over where to send Bentley for middle school.
Can we all take a moment to let it sink in that a kid from ‘Teen Mom’ is heading into middle school…and also to mourn all the time we’ve lost over the past decade watching this crappy show?
Maci is in favor of Bentley sticking with the free public school plan he’s been on. (It doesn’t appear that the schools in Tennessee “aren’t well” like the schools in West Virginia, luckily.) Maci probably knows she won’t get any financial help from Ryan and if she asks, Ryan’s wife Mackenzie will write an embarrassing letter explaining why she and Ryan shouldn’t have to contribute.
Even though Maci and Taylor aren’t totally on board with Bentley going to a private school, Bentley kept his grades up as he promised he would, so they decide to hold up their end of the bargain and let him at least take the entrance exam.
Over at Ryan’s house, Mack sorts through baby clothes while Ryan comments on their son Jagger’s “big ole’ head.” Ryan then physically cringes at the suggestion that his unborn daughter will look like her big bro, whom they’ve newly nicknamed “Jaggy.” How sweet.
Ryan asks Mack how her pregnancy is going this time around and she says it’s better because Ryan isn’t locked up in the clink and is actually able to be with her for appointments and whatnot.
I think that’s nice…
Meanwhile in California, Cory is away competing on The Challenge, which means Cheyenne is at a serious loss when it comes to storylines. She steals a page from Maci’s storyline this week and decides to send Ryder to a fancy prep school for a pre-school class. (It’s completely ridiculous, but with Cory not here to impregnate anybody, it will at least give Cheyenne something to talk about this episode.)
Cheyenne’s nephew, Baaz, looks particularly excited about this new development.
Cheyenne says Ryder is definitely ready to take this next step, but Cheyenne isn’t too comfortable with it herself because Ryder is her BFF and she doesn’t need any other friends.
Before Ryder’s first day of prep school, the two of them— along with Cheyenne’s sister, R. You Gonna Send My Kid to School Too— spend some quality time bonding over Barbies. Ryder has hilariously named one Barbie “Taylor” and another Barbie “Daddy.”
(We can assume “Daddy” Barbie comes with a full-length mirror, protein powder, 25+ outfits, a cell phone, no condoms and no less than three MTV show contracts.)
While Ryder plays with plastic Taylor, real Taylor visits with her friends and family back home in Portland. While talking to her friends, Taylor says her dad has been emotional about the idea of her becoming a mom, while she’s emotional about Cory not being there to share her pregnancy at the moment. She’s also ready for Cory to call her, which he still hasn’t been able to do because of ‘The Challenge.’
Meanwhile, in Indiana, we are catching up with Amber and Dimitri after their first night of boning/endlessly relying on Google Translate to communicate their sexual desires to one another. (Also…ew.)
Dimitri is busy (on the couch, naturally) whispering sweet nothings into Amber’s ear. (He probably downloaded a list of “50 Phrases to Use on Naive American Women to Get Them to Let You Move In.”)
“You are so beautiful…I can kiss you?” Dimitri asks Amber (who has slapped on a brand-new pair of extra-dark eyebrows for the occasion.)
Instead of waiting to see if this random dude turns into a creep/serial killer/moocher/general deviant, Amber decides she’ll rush him right over so he can meet her daughter Leah. She shuttles her new soulmate over to Gary’s house so they can pick up a free meal and also show Leah who her next almost-stepdad will be.
Dimitri (like the rest of us) is shocked that Amber is actually able to drive a car (in addition to driving everyone around her crazy).
They arrive at Gary’s house and Leah’s is less-than-enthusiastic while meeting her mom’s latest bed-warmer.
Leah tells the group that she got an A+ on her latest test at school, and Gary congratulates her, stating that she gets her smarts from him. Everyone laughs as poor Dimitri looks like he’s trying to decide if the conversation is worth Google Translating.
Later, Gary settles back into his recliner to show the Belgian how Americans do comfort. Kristina asks questions, but Dimitri looks like he has absolutely no clue what any of these people are saying.
Leah looks completely unimpressed with her mom’s new boyfriend. Go figure.
She can barely keep herself from rolling her eyes as Dimitri informs the group that he will be parking his Belgian butt on Couch de la Ambie for three months.
Kristina tells Leah to ask Dimitri something, but Leah claps right back with some Grade A snark.
“In what language?”
Leah eventually throws the guy a bone and busts out her Google Translate app to ask him what he wants to see in America. He answers, “America.”
Seriously, language barrier or not, this guy has less personality than Gary’s recliner.
The next day, Gary and Kristina go out to lunch and discuss the Dimitri Situation. Gary says that Leah’s concerned that Amber won’t be around as much, now that she’s got a new couchmate. Kristina says she hopes Amber keeps it in her head that her kids come first.
Hahaha, look at Kristina, makin’ jokes!
Back at Amber’s House of Wayward Boarders, Dimitri is once again whispering sweet nothings into Ambie’s ear.
Amber tells Dimitri that she wants to keep “doing things like that with Leah” and that he’ll have to be comfortable with it. Dimitri looks like he has no clue what “comfortable” means. (Amber should show him a picture of Gary in his recliner for reference!)
Amber then gives Dimitri a look that lets us all know she’ll be using a least a few of those “Gary Times” tonight! Hubba hubba!
In Tennessee, it’s time for Bentley’s entrance exam at the private school so Maci loads him up in the car and gives him a pep talk on the way. A few days later, Maci receives the results via email and learns that Bentley passed his exam, so she and Taylor agree to pursue enrolling him in the school as a reward for all of his hard work.
Later, Taylor and Maci call Bentley into the kitchen to share the big news with him. Bentley is excited to find out any beer his mom may have consumed while he was in her womb had no impact on his ability to crush it academically. He’s thrilled that Maci and Taylor have agreed to “explore” the idea of private school.
Maci and Taylor tell Bentley that he has to go through an interview process before he’s admitted to the school and if he does get in, he absolutely has to keep his grades up and not take this opportunity for granted as a lot of money is involved.
We’re pretty sure Maci ripped that last part straight from her MTV contract.
Back in Michigan, Tyler confronts Ashley about her lying and ex-girlfriend bonking. Ashley looks downright scared. Tyler explains that the standards at Ye Olde Octagon Farm are pretty simple: you can’t do drugs, you can’t use his car to bang your ex-girlfriend and you have to use common sense (although he’s apparently pretty liberal on that last one because this is ‘Teen Mom.’)
After that, Tyler, Catelynn and Ashley all insert unnecessary S- and F-bombs into their conversation, despite the fact that Nova and Vaeda are sitting right there. (Again, though, this is ‘Teen Mom.’) Instability around the kids is not kosher but a barrage of curse words on the regular? A-OK!
Ashley begins another one of her long-winded apology speeches, telling Cate and Ty that she doesn’t want them to think she’s “trying to take advantage” of them.
UMMM?!?
She turns herself into a crying Cabbage Patch Kid, and Tyler’s not buying the “I’ll do better” spiel this time around. (After all, he’s heard it before from some of the greats: April, his sister Amber and, of course, the Granddaddy of All Things “I Ain’t No Juicehead (no more)”, Butch!)
Later, Ty tells Catelynn that Ashley does have common sense and, hey, at least she’s not a “complete idiot.” (Just a partial?)
He says that having Ashley lie to him in his home brings back memories of the days that his dad Butch was their live-in liar.
Awww, memories!
That’s all for this episode! To read The Ashley’s recap of the previous episode of ‘Teen Mom OG,’ click here!
(Photos: MTV)
27 Responses
This was so good, I never wanted it to end.
Omgggggg! This recap was pure gold! I look forward to these every week and they never disappoint. The part about amber slapping on some extra dark eyebrows killed me!! Thanks for always making me laugh ??
Omgggggg! This recap was pure gold! I look forward to these every week and they never disappoint. The part about amber slapping on some extra dark eyebrows killed me!! Thanks for always making me laugh ??
To throw in my theory as to why Gary is doing all this odd stuff for Amber….$$$ for bonus checks.
MTV producers came flat out and said they tried to get Kail and Jenelle together for a ( fake) truce meeting and Kail would only do it if Jenelle had a true PRIVATE apology for her. We all watched the horribly scripted meet up with Jenelle and Brianna , they had no place to film Jenelle… Briana took all that slack for money.
Think about this … Cate and Tyler own $800K for only TWO tax years! Where’s all that extra income coming from?? “ I don’t think Gary really wanted to go to the airport , I don’t think Maci wanted Ryan at the Zoo, I don’t think all these phone calls they get conveniently ring in at the perfect time. There’s way too much being exposed about their personal lives that nobody would just tell the world about… unless the price is right.
Just when you think Amber can’t get any more pathetic, she proves you wrong. Each episode she gets worse and worse. This weeks episode with the lie detector test and the crying and the saying he’s such an amazing man….girl just shut up already. And the fact she introduced Leah to this stranger after knowing him mere hours…just like someone said earlier, she’s more like Leah’s sister than her mother.
Amber kills me with those lie detector tests. I’d love to give one to prove she is manipulative, abusive and a very self serving absent “mother”. I hate to use the word “mother” because she has never been one.
The great thing about no longer watching these train wrecks is the Ashley’s recaps are not late and are just pure gold and a treat whenever you get them! Thanks for taking one for the team Ashley and watching this boring mess and making it funny and entertaining!
Anyone else have to stop themselves from vomiting every time Amber and Belgium kissed? So horrid..
Also, anyone watch the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills? Dorit calls her son Jaggy too, and it’s especially annoying with that fake accent she puts on.
Omg, Dorit is just awful and absolutely everything about her is completely fake. She’s from Connecticut or someplace like that. They don’t talk like that in Connecticut.
Absolutely, she’s the worst! And her husband makes me sick, lol. Everything she does annoys me.
My ex brother in law saw this episode with his girlfriend and we are all still close. Anyway, I’m gonna quote the text he sent my husband:
“Y’all have had the sex talk with *sister* right? I’m sorry I didn’t have the talk with her after we broke up. I didn’t know that was my job.” That was followed with a ‘the more you know’ gif. ?
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again – Gary is the MVP of this show. Everything he does here is solid gold.
Gary is Amber’s biggest enabler besides Amber’s brother, Buddy. Gary blaming Andrew for what happened is ridiculous and then accused Andrew of trying to send Amber to jail so he can collect child support. Hey Gary, isn’t that what you did.
I’m not so sure. He is being a “nice” guy, but maybe that’s not what Amber needs. There is sometimes a fine line between helping and enabling. I’m not sure why he is doing all of this for her.
Of course I was no expert in English language when I first started learning it (I’m still not) but OMG, Dimitri’s one liners are just hilarious! That’s the only thing he is contributing to the show, tbh, otherwise he’s just the same moocher everyone else she dated (after Gary) was! But isn’t he almost 40 and how is it possible he knows so little? (Maybe it’s all just an act?)
Omg! This recap was hilarious! Way more entertaining than watching the actual show would be! Amber disgusts me. She is concerned about herself and herself only. She could care less about her kids. Leah doesn’t want to be around Ambers new man of the week! The only English word Dimitri better learn is HELP for when Amber starts abusing his ass because it will happen! How awkward that daddy Gary needs to have the birds and the bees talk with Amber before his daughters??♀️ As much as I don’t like Maci (I do really like Taylor though) I don’t think it’s by accident that Bentley is a good kid that works hard for what he wants. He sure didn’t get that from Ryan. Tyler & Cate sound a little too righteous for me. Is it really a good idea to have a steady stream of people you have to run and check up on around your children?
Omg this is the funniest and best recap every. The crap with Kristina and Gary parenting Amber and the sex talk recap had me dying
Thank GOD Leah has Kristina as her actual mother. Amber is nothing more than a glorified older sister who comes home once a week for free food. And apparently no one around her truly cares about her because they all continue to enable her shit. Btw, the caption KILL me ???
That is the PERFECT way to describe Amber’s relationship with Leah. Reading this recap all I could think was Amber was acting less like a mom and more like my older sister used to act when she came home from college to visit…when she was 18/19. ?
“Either you send me to school or I’m tweeting photos of your hairy legs.”
Dead.
I almost died from this part:
“Kristina and Gary then go from caring co-parents to Amber’s parents.“Did you talk to Amber about birth control?” Kristina asks Gary. Wait…um…WHAT?!””
?????
This one was my favorite. When Amber said guess what and Leah is captioned “Um…you’re pregnant? You’re moving another creep into your house? You’re going back to Gel? All of the above?” Hilarious ???
Is Dimitri still around? Are they still a couple?
Are those GaryTime condoms actually for sale in stores or did he just get a few made for personal use?
I’m so creeped out by all of these people right now. Ew
I thought this was from January, so maybe his 3 months expired, but with coronavirus who knows if he ran back to Belgium. Curious to know myself
Amber recently said they were still together but he was back home in Belgium. For his safety and the mental health of his own kids…he should probably stay there.
I have absolutely no interest in Cheyenne’s storyline because she and her made-for-tv baby daddy have no business on the show, but I have to say Ryder is incredibly adorable. As for the nonsense with Cate and Ty I think I understand why they continue to surround themselves and their children with questionable characters, it’s so they can utilize the 12 step language they’ve become so accustomed to over the years. I think they will eventually try to get a spin off where they are running some sort of halfway house kind of thing because they consider themselves experts on all things addiction related (and I’m being serious).
Amber is just such a disaster. How is that any kind of normal life? I doubt Leah spends too much time with her alone (probably Kristina’s dong) and that is a good thing because nothing at all about the way Amber conducts her life is normal or to be looked up to. On what planet does a baby-daddy from 12 years ago feel the need to talk to baby-mama about birth control?! That is so messed up. I felt embarrassed for Amber all the way over here. Also, did Gary just admit that Amber got pregnant with James after knowing Andrew for 2 or 3 weeks? Sounds accurate, I’m just surprised someone said it out loud.
Haha! I could totally see Cate and Tyler starting a halfway house! Ty would work there Monday’s and every other Wednesday and some Friday’s as long as he wasn’t busy with his other lofty career goals. Cate on the other hand would curl up in the fetal position and cry and proclaim work as just “Too hard, man!”