Grab your fellow Fundie family member from their twin bed – just extend your arm, you guys share a room after all – and get ready for a heaping helping of Duggar debauchery. It’s time for another episode of Counting On! 

When we last checked in with the Duggar fam, they were teamed up for a family competition that involved hightailing it through a corn maze. On this episode, however, the Duggars are upping the ante and calling for a full-blown Duggar Dash competition… Which is their way of saying, “We’re fresh outta storylines!”   

Nevertheless… on your mark, get set, go down this hellscape with us!

Before kicking off the Duggar Dash, Michelle gathers the family at The Compound to share her great idea for this big family competition. 

Michelle explains that the family will be split into teams using the OG Duggar Buddy System “with updates.” As they did with the pumpkin facial masks, Michelle and Lauren will be sitting out for this activity and instead will hang back at The Compound to watch the little kids. 

First Lauren avoids a pumpkin mask chemical burn and now she gets out of running around town competing in the Duggars’ knockoff Olympics?! Well played, girl! Enjoy your time as Number 1 Duggar-in-law while it lasts, because you know that title is being swiped away quicker than a Duggar v-card on wedding night as soon as Michelle finds out you’re not planning to give birth at home on your couch. 

Michelle splits the group into the following teams: 

As with the corn maze competition, Joe and Kendra feel they’re at a Duggar Dash disadvantage because Kendra is “great with child,” as she puts it, completely overlooking the fact that Jessa’s team is stuck with an actual child. Not to mention they also have Ivy to take care of. 

The first event of the Duggar Dash is some sort of slop-eating contest in which each team is tasked with downing a different Duggar dish. The menu consists of tater-tot casserole (Jim Bob’s fav!), haggis, cricket tacos and escargot.

Because Ben is used to chewing on random bugs and slugs that he finds outside, he breezes through this challenge and his team is the first to receive their second task. After allowing Jessa to sound out the big words on the clue card, the group learns they are to head to the thrift store where they will have only $5 to get each person on their team an item matching their team color (yellow). They will have to wear whatever item they purchase for the remainder of the Duggar Dash.

On the way to the thrift store, Jordyn nearly provides her own yellow item when Ben refuses to stop for a bathroom break, despite Jordyn literally begging from the back of the minivan. Eventually she convinces the group to stop, though she causes the team to slip to second place in the process… something we’re sure Jessa won’t complain about later. 

As the drive continues, the Duggars bicker about the speed limit and the fact that none of them seem to drive faster than 10 miles below it, however, all of that changes once they’re unleashed in the thrift store. Seriously, the Duggars are booking it! Rushing up and down the aisles, grabbing random items and at one point, a Duggar even throws on a wig. It’s the most excitement we’ve seen on this show since someone announced a pregnancy. (So approximately 8 seconds, give or take.)   

Joy and Austin’s green team decides (after Tyler gives them the idea) that instead of buying an item for each member of the team as the instructions state, they’ll just buy one item and cut it up into pieces – a method we assume they stole from ‘Counting On’ producers who, despite having no more than one actual storyline each season, manage to cut that footage into enough pieces to fill nearly a dozen episodes. 

Their cheating-adjacent ways ultimately prevail and the green team takes the lead. Up next on the Duggar Dash adventure: a climbing gym, where the Duggar girls’ modest-as-the-day-is-long skirts are sure to give them a leg up in the challenge. (Let’s just hope that leg remains fully covered!)  

Much to their disappointment and not at all to our surprise, the Duggar girls are deemed too fragile and delicate for this particular event and are instead left to watch from the sidelines – or in this case, the gym floor – with the Duggar men who are too scared of heights/breaking a sweat to climb the wall themselves.

The green team takes the win on this event and are given their next challenge: solve a math problem, then head to the Duggar treehouse to dig through a pile of dirty Duggar shoes. (If this Pinterest-fail of a challenge doesn’t scream Duggar, I don’t know what does.) 

Fortunately, this challenge gives us an opportunity to see the Duggar’s homeschool skills in action. Unfortunately, we soon learn there are some shortcomings in the curriculum when Joy reveals she doesn’t know that “X” is the symbol for multiplication – the very thing that earned her family this TV show. 

As the other teams work to solve their respective math problems while driving to the treehouse, the red team arrives at the gym to climb the rock wall, lagging very far behind due to Jim Bob’s inability to quickly inhale foods that are not at least 85 percent potato. 

If Jim Bob wasn’t feeling bad enough for (most likely) securing the L for his team, finding out that Jessa had to use Siri to figure out his age oughta do it. 

Back in the green team car, Austin proves that like Joy, his math skills are garbage, while the red team is held up once again after discovering they’ve left behind a bag at the gym. 

The green team makes it to the treehouse first and they begin rummaging through the old shoes, searching for a matching pair like their lives depend on it. Ya know, the same way they find their spouses. 

The green team makes a dash to The Compound where they are instructed by Michelle to go to the field across the street to dig through hay to find their next clue. 

While the green and yellow teams get to work digging with their hands, pitch forks and heavy machinery to find their clues, the blue team makes its way to the treehouse and then to Michelle, only to learn they solved their math problem incorrectly and pulled the wrong shoes. 

Because Michelle feels some guilt for her children’s inability to do basic math, she allows them to try to solve the problem in the kitchen… with a phone. 

Once the blue team has the correct answer, they head back to the treehouse and retrieve the correct pair of shoes, right as the red team arrives to do the same. 

Over in the field, Austin whispers to Joy that he’s actually found the blue team’s clue, but is hiding it from them, because apparently the only rule of Duggar Dash is that there are no rules. Honestly, these people do not mess around. 

Before Austin’s scheming has a chance to pay off, the yellow team finds their clue, kicking the green team down to second place. 

The final clue instructs the teams to head back to The Compound. As the only team to have found their own clue at this point, the yellow team arrives at The Compound first and are declared the winners. 

The green team locates their clue next and are the second to make it back to the house, leaving the blue and red teams to fight it out for third place. 

While searching in the hay, Kendra nearly goes into labor, because these people actually thought it was a good idea to send the “great with child” woman into a field, hand her a pitchfork and subject her to this nonsense.   

With no birthing tarp in sight, the two remaining teams propose calling it quits, but ultimately only one team, the blue team, decide to throw in the towel. With nothing better to do/film, a few of the Duggars return to the field to help the red team dig for their clue, which they eventually find, just so they can come in third place and get the same exact participation ribbon – yes, ribbon as in one – that the fourth place team receives. The first and second place teams each walk away with a generic trophy to timeshare amongst themselves.

Most importantly, according to Jim Bob, they all leave with some fond memories. We can’t forget those! 

That’s all for this week! 

On the next episode of ‘Counting On,’ Jeremy tries his hand at skateboarding (while trying not to break any limbs) and he opens up about his dark past of drinking, partying and – hold onto your pilgrim shoes! – getting arrested. Back in Arkansas, Kendra and Joe welcome blessing number two – not in a field full of hay, thankfully. 

To read The Ashley’s previous ‘Counting On’ recap, click here!

(Photos: TLC)