Gather your degenerate relatives and get ready to file a protective order against (at least one of) your baby daddies because…a new season of Teen Mom 2 has arrived! 

It’s hard to believe that we are actually on Season 10 of this Cornucopia ‘o’ Trash, but…here we are. Let’s all take a moment to mourn all of the time over the past decade that we’ve wasted watching this crap.

[Hangs head in shame]

OK that’s enough. On with the [s**t] show!

The episode kicks off showing some fancy new graphics created for the new season. We’ve moved on from “torn pieces of notebook paper” to snazzy graphics spelling out the girls’ names that look straight out of a Glamour Shots photobook.

We start with Leah, who has left the holler for the Big Apple, where she’s filming the ‘Teen Mom 2’ Reunion. Her second baby daddy, that dern Jeremy Lynn has just spouted off about her first baby daddy, Corey Tyler, and Leah’s worried that Corey will be less-than-thrilled when he hears what Jerm had to say about him not going to Ali’s doctor’s appointments. (Speaking of doctors, ‘member how Dr. Drew was practically salivating during Jeremy’s attack on Corey? Some poor production assistant probably had to be called in to dab the drool off Drew’s blazer.)

Anyway, Leah tells her sister Victoria and some other girl that she’s worried that Corey will be mad when he sees what Jeremy said.

In a moment of self-awareness (which, frankly, is surprising anytime anyone on this show is actually self-aware), Leah acknowledges that Corey actually works and she doesn’t, which is why it’s hard for him to make the appointments. 

Victoria and the random chick are encouraging Leah to join Jerm in stirring the drama stew and telling Corey he better get his hillbilly butt to those dern appointments. Leah, however, is resistant and doesn’t want to make a big thing out of it. 

All of a sudden a smilin’ and suited Jeremy strolls in, plops his big hooves onto the desk and basically tells Leah that Corey had it coming. 

We next skip over to see Corey telling his pal (who appears to be extremely thrilled to be getting an MTV-paid for pulled pork lunch, by the way) about how a “drama train come run over us.”

“You said you blowed up on Twitter!” the one friend says. 

Corey explains that he stopped going to Reunions because he didn’t want to deal with all the drama. He’s mad about what Jerm said, and that he was too busy clocking work hours to go to New York and tell his side at the Reunion. He’s mad that he was made out to be a deadbeat dad, and that Leah didn’t defend him.

Next, we head on down the coast to Florida, where Briana is wearing some sort of Ronald McDonald/Little Bo Peep fright night wig. (Honestly, it’s not even the worst hairdo we’ve seen on this show. Actually, it probably won’t even be the worst hairdo we see on this episode.)

Briana goes to visit her friend “Shirley” (who has gotten herself some brand-new giant hoop earrings in honor of Season 10. Seriously, those things are so big Briana could put them around her Dr. Miami-snatched waist and wear them as a fashionable belt!)

Bri catches “Shirley” up on the latest baby daddy drama: which one is unemployed, which one Brittany had to recently threaten with a high heel to put in a week or so as a father… you know, the norm.

She brings up how Father of the Year, Luis, is no longer doing “the trucking” (big surprise) and is just basically loafing around Orlando, looking for girls in booty shorts to chase and undersized T-shirts to sweat through and whatnot. Naturally, he hasn’t bothered to drag his useless self over to the DeJesus Coven’s apartment to see his daughter any time lately, though.

“Three years ago, I met that man! Somebody should have told me to stay away,” Bri says. (Well, the bathroom attendant of “Da Club” probably did, but your Hanes Her Ways were probably down around your ankles by then, girl!) 

Briana says it’s no fair that Luis is out, dippin’ his Ding Dong into the Twinkie of any girl willing within a 200-mile radius, while she’s in the apartment with the kids “stuck.” During the time she’s “stuck” Bri surfs onto Instagram and “peeps” that Luis is planning to be (where else?) at “da club” dee-jaying (or dee-jering, as Briana calls it for some reason). Briana tells “Shirley” that she wants to go watch.

Bri says she’s either gonna storm Luis’ “dee-jer” booth and demand his back-owed child support or, you know, get drunk on Twisted Teas, cry on the dance floor and cuss him out. Who knows!?

Next, we pick up with Jade this season moments after her mom Christy has stormed off the stage at the ‘Teen Mom 2’ reunion. As Christy stomps her way through the maze of doors and hallways backstage, she slows down only to tell a random crew member that she’s mad. (YOU DON’T SAY?!). 

“ … I’m her mother and I will knock her a** out,” Christy says of Jade. 

An hour later, Jade explains that her mom has calmed down so now they’re able to sit down and eat lunch together. (If I were Jade, I’m not sure I’d want to be anywhere near my mom and a bunch of sharp cutlery but that’s just me…)

Unfortunately, the lunchtime truce doesn’t last long and Christy and Jade resume their arguing, causing Christy to eventually take her meal to-go.  

Unable to exit quietly, Christy and her bag of free food turn back to get in Jade’s face and accuse her of changing because of the cameras. Jade isn’t having it and screams back in Christy’s face until she eventually leaves. At this point, Jade is heated, grabbing at her mic and yelling at the crew to let them know she doesn’t want to film.  

Following the reunion chaos, Jade says she basically cut everyone off and didn’t answer any phone calls for two weeks because she found the whole thing to be trashy and embarrassing.

Um…welcome to ‘Teen Mom 2,’ girl….that’s kinda why you’re here…

Meanwhile, in South Dakota, Chelsea is working on launching her line of brown cardigans to add to her collection of lumberjack chic flannels. While she’s elbow-deep in Paul Bunyan fashions, Chelsea gets a call from a deputy, who tells her that the person who robbed her house last year may have been arrested. Some of the stuff that was stolen from Chelsea’s home may have been found in this person’s possession, so the deputy asks Chelsea to come down and identify the assorted flannels and whatnot.

Later, Aubree is ghoulishly yanking on her loose tooth.

“Did you pull it out?” Cole asks.

(That’s a phrase you don’t hear very often on this show!) 

Aubree shuttles her blood-soaked vampire mouth away as Chelsea talks to Cole about going down to the police station to retrieve their stolen crap. Chelsea says that the robbery being brought up again is bringing back her anxiety and making her face twitchy. (Not to be confused with Adam’s lifestyle, which makes his face tweaky…)

Finally, we head to Delaware to check in with Kail. She explains that she’s getting along better with Baby Daddies 1 and 2 (aka Jo and Javi). Things with Baby Daddy 3 (aka Chris) are not so swell. Kail tells us that there are “some rumors popping up” about Chris, so naturally she’s called up MTV to film about it. 

Producer Patrick is all up in the ‘Teen Mom’ tea, and asks Kail if it’s true that Chris knocked up another girl, as the Interwebs are saying. Kail says that Chris is insisting the rumor is not true (his sperm is only reserved for Kail during romps in the backseat of a car, apparently). Kail doesn’t seem to know what to believe, though.

Kail insist that, if Chris did bang a baby into another broad, that would “close the door” to the possibility of them being together.

UM…..?! Girl, Chris closed that door, dead-bolted it and boarded it up long, long ago. 

Producer Patrick asks Kail how she can find out if this rumor is true. (In other words, he means “how can we exploit every single drop out of this rumor for our show?”)

Over in West Virginia, we are treated to a graphic of some sort of woodland creature flossing (because…Leah). As Addie shows off her pre-teen stripper moves (um…?) 

Leah talks directly to the camera (a new feature this season!) and explains that Jeremy had no ding-dang right to call out Corey on stage, and that he should have let her do it when there wasn’t an audience (not to mention a drooling TV host/doctor) watching.

Leah said she’s fearful that this will stir up some drama and she and Corey will end up back in court, hollerin’ over the girlseseses.

Later, Jerm rings up Leah to snicker at Corey’s tweets, which he posted after getting a gander at what Jeremy said about him. Leah fails to see the humor in it, though.

She goes in to talk to Ali, who says she’d like it if Corey attended her appointments. Leah starts rattling off about how Corey has a 9 to 5 job, but her “job” is just “traveling.” (Ali legit coughs when Leah says that. Even she knows that taking trips with Kail and letting MTV film them does not count as a job.)

Meanwhile in Indiana, Jade and her mom have both been working at her grandma’s restaurant and because they “can’t work together and not get along,” they’re once again on good terms. But with one relationship mended, it’s time for another to fall apart, so naturally, Jade and Sean are now on the outs following a big fight.

As she deals with her Sean drama, Jade also plans Chloe Khloe Klowie Kloie’s second birthday, which Sean hints to her that he will not be attending. Jade is mad, but she’s not yelling at anyone yet, so there’s no cause for concern at the moment. 

Once the party guests arrive at her grandma’s restaurant, Jade tells Christy about Sean’s plans to ditch Cloie Klowee Chlowie Kloie’s party, right as Sean happens to sneak in the back of the restaurant. 

While placing his gift with the others, Sean notices that his grandparents are in attendance for the festivities, causing him to go full Christy/Jade, stomping around outside, yanking off his mic and demanding that the cameras go away. 

Back in Orlando, Bri and “Shirley” are on their way to “Da Club” to confront Luis about ditching Stella. However, Bri is promising to remain cordial, and even says she won’t be throwing any drinks at Luis. That’s progress! (If I were Luis, though, I’d be on the lookout for Roxanne and Brittany, who could be lurking around the corner of the bar, ready to toss a flowerpot at his non-paying dome.)

In the Uber on the way over, Bri plots out what she’s going to say to Luis when she sees him. (Naturally, one of the things Bri plans to tell him is to “suck my d**k.” Forever classy, that Briana. Roxanne must be beaming with pride while watching this!) 

The girls arrive at “da Club” and, thanks to her “baby daddy ambushing outfit” (not to mention her MTV camera crew) Briana manages to by-pass the line of swapmeet-frock-wearing Jezebels. She sees Luis in the “dee-jer” booth and instantly her loins are on fire. (Apparently child abandonment is an aphrodisiac?)

Briana texts Luis to let him know she’s there to yell at him and he basically blows her off and tells her to wait until he’s done dee-jering to talk to him. 

Finally, Briana has waited enough, and decides to head over to Luis to give him that piece of her mind! (Luis is just standing there shaking his head, realizing that the likelihood of him ending up on an episode of Cops tonight is pretty good.) 

Luis looks petrified as Briana approaches him.

Luis explains that he isn’t doing “the trucking” because he got called back by the Union…or something. I have no clue. During this whole scene, I kept waiting for Roxanne and Brittany to jump out from behind the wall and beat poor Luis to death with his DJ headphones. I didn’t really pay attention to what he said.

He tells her that he now has a “good gig” doing construction work. Briana asks if he has any plans to see Stella while he’s in town and Luis argues that he was “trying to handle the car situation.” He then explains that when he’s not working and “can’t provide” he’s too emotional to go see his daughter.

I’m sorry…what? OK, Roxy and Britt— do your thing. This guy deserves a flowerpot to the head, seriously.

Bri reminds Luis that, thanks to her “good gig” filming her poor decisions for MTV, he doesn’t really need to provide for the kid financially. He just needs to show his mug at the apartment once in a blue moon.

Briana continues to show off her amazing grasp of the English language.

“All I wanted was you there, and you just wasn’t!” she cries.

Meanwhile, Chelsea brings her litter to her mom South Dee-ko-tah Mary‘s house, so she and Cole can go identify their stolen loot at the police station. Chelsea is nervous about how she will feel about seeing her stuff. Cole is doing his best to be supportive, but Chelsea’s got her flannel in a knot and is not having it. 

We’re not allowed to go into the police station with them (apparently MTV is only permitted to film inside police stations/courts if someone chases someone with a machete or something….)

Chelsea calls up her dad Randy once they leave the police station and tells him that none of the recovered crap was their crap. Chelsea and Cole are understandably disappointed. 

Finally, we check in one last time with Kail. She’s fetching all her assorted youngins from their assorted dads’ houses. First, she picks up Lincoln, who reports that he went to church while at Javi’s house. He wasn’t exactly impressed with the churching experience, though, telling Kail “all we did was learn about God and Jesus.” 

Later, Kail is getting texts from a strange number. It turns out to be a girl who claims to have gotten Kail’s number out of Chris’ phone. The girl claims to be pregnant with the Spawn ‘o’ Chris, but promises to “hit Kail up” once she births the baby in February so Lux can meet his brother. 

Kail decides she needs answers, so she calls up Chris. Because Chris refuses to drink the MTV Kool-Aid and sign a contract, we aren’t allowed to hear his voice on the other end of the conversation. (We all surely mourn for the mumbles we are missing out on!) Kail asks Chris if there’s any possible way that what this chick is saying could be true. 

Kail tells the camera that, if this girl is pregnant with Chris’ kid, she will have to allow Lux to see his sibling. 

That’s all for this episode! Tune in next week for another episode of ‘Teen Mom 2,’ aka “As The Dumpster Burns.”

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(Photos: MTV)