For those of you with virginity talks, STIs and the phrase “crusty d*ck” on your Teen Mom 2 BINGO card, this may be your week.  

We kick off this episode with Kail who after receiving a surprise call from her long lost mom, Smirnoff Suzi, has stepped outside to project her anger at an appropriate level while posted up on a public sidewalk and throwing some seriously dirty looks.

After Suzi asks if Kail is aware her grandmother has passed away – the same grandmother whose funeral Kail just attended – Kail informs her mom that until this call, she wasn’t sure Suzi was still alive. On the other end of the phone, Suzi acts surprised by this news and even more surprised when Kail says her boys haven’t received any of the letters or cards Suzi claims to have sent over the years. 

Kail proceeds to lecture her mom on the importance of being consistent in a child’s life, adding that her kids don’t know “who the f**k” Suzi is and Lux has never even met her. 

After Suzi refuses to take the blame for being absent in Kail (and the boys’) life, Kail argues that it’s Suzi’s fault and until Suzi can admit that, they don’t need to have any more conversations – on or off sidewalks. 

After her photoshoot, Kail tells Producer Patrick she hadn’t spoken to her mom in three years and based on her feedback post-convo, she would’ve preferred to keep their no-speak streak going. 

Kail says she’s not going to make an effort with someone who is “consistently not sober and consistently bailing and consistently not active in [her] kids’ life” because it would only set them up for the same disappointment she dealt with growing up. Kail says her mom is “sick” and reveals “she wasn’t sober” during their phone conversation.

Despite their history, Kail admits she’d be open to letting Suzi back into her life if she were to make some changes, but she knows “that’s not going to happen.” 

When we check in with Chelsea, we find her spending more one-on-one time with Aubree, which for Chelsea, means scrolling through her phone while Aubree eats frozen yogurt alone. Chelsea eventually caves and allows herself one (obnoxiously dramatic) taste of Aubree’s yogurt before proclaiming, “I f**king love cookie dough.” 

In other DeBORE DeBoer news (unrelated to Chelsea’s vegan leather jacket/anxiety) it’s almost time for Aubree’s yearly father-daughter dance at school. 

SERIOUSLY HOW MANY DADDY/DAUGHTER DANCES DOES THIS SCHOOL HAVE!? Like, do these kids even learn real subjects, or does the school just teach them to rumba and cha-cha and whatnot to keep them prepared for all these dances?

Aubree has told Chelsea that she wants both Adam and Cole to attend, but doesn’t know which one she’ll hang out with. She tells Chelsea she’ll probably end up ditching them both to hang out with her friends and honestly, we don’t blame her. 

Once Chelsea has spent enough “quality time” with Aubree, her friend Laura conveniently strolls in, yogurt in-hand, to crash the mother-daughter outing. 

After Chelsea scrolls through her phone some more, she eventually decides to engage with her daughter and friend, and reveals that Aubree has been asking for a cell phone recently. Laura tells Chelsea she wouldn’t let Aubree have a phone if she were her mom, to which Aubree nearly drop kicks her from the chair Laura insisted they share.  

Laura says she lets her kids play games on a leftover iPhone that isn’t hooked up anymore and suggests, if anything, Chelsea scrounge up an old flip phone for Aubree to use. Aubree looks less-than-thrilled to potentially get Chelsea’s cheetah-covered Razor flip phone from 2006.

Next we check in with Jade, who says her parents are still living with her and offering the bare minimum amount of help. Naturally, she decides to reward them with a free meal. (We all know the way to Christy‘s heart is by offering a variety of fried foods.)

During dinner, Jade tells her mom Christy that she’s graduating Saturday at noon and she wants her daughter Chloee Klowie Kloie? there no later than 11 a.m. 

Between the slab of meat and the online poker game she appears to be tending to on her phone, Christy seems seriously distracted and entirely disinterested in Jade’s tales from cosmetology school, though she does look up long enough to throw in the phrase, “bad a** b*tch,” which translates to “great job, Jade! I’m so proud of you!” in Christy-speak.

Meanwhile, down in the holler, the Simms twins are enjoying some fine dining with Corey at a joint called Fat Patty’s. ( I can assume each kids’ meal comes with a travel bottle of Tums and kiddie-sized mitts to wipe the grease and whatever other substances leak off of whatever a “fat patty” is.) 

With the twinseeseses soon turning 10, they insist they’re no longer in need of kid-sized cups, but Corey reminds them they’re never too old to be embarrassed in public by their parents.  

Meanwhile, Leah hangs at home and calls her friend Kylie to talk about her trip to Costa Rica, the twinses upcoming birthday and her sexual history – in that order.  (Before we unpack that mess, can someone do a wellness check on Leah’s Cousin Chastity? She hasn’t been seen for months and I miss her. Who the hell is this Kylie character, thinking she can replace Chastity as Leah’s go-to for rants?! NO SIR!) 

Leah explains to a visibly confused Kylie that even though she didn’t get pregnant until she was older (NOT UNTIL 16!), she didn’t know anything when she was her girlseses’ age and she wants her girls to have a better understanding of why they ended up on this show.

Next, we head down to Florida. She recently decided it was a good idea to have unprotected sex with her broke a** baby daddy – the second one, just to clarify – not once, but twice, Briana continues her tour of bad decisions by allowing said baby daddy to tag along to Nova’s gymnastics competition. 

During the event, Briana and Luis agree that hanging out (aka putting their private parts together) as a family “feels nice” (not for long) but Briana says they need to be open as to who they’re hooking up with at da club, given that they’re all about that unprotected sex life. 

Back in Indiana, the day of Jade’s graduation has arrived and some of her friends have already started to arrive at school, along with her grandparents. Noticeably absent at this point, however, are Jade’s parents, as well as her baby daddy, Sean. 

To the surprise of no one, 11:35 a.m. rolls around and Christy has yet to make her arrival with Khlowie Chloiee Kloie. 

Jade tells her friends she’s not clocking out for the last time until “Klo” is there, so she starts angry-dialing Christy, Sean and her stepdad Corey – none of whom are picking up their phones. (Perhaps they all ran out of prepaid TracFone minutes?) Eventually Jade’s grandma is able to get in touch with apissed off Christy, who says they’re on their way, because according to Jade, she’s running on “bulls**t time.” 

And speaking of “bulls**t,” in walks Sean with his flowers (surely plucked from his neighbor’s yard) and an excuse. According to Sean, he doesn’t have Klow-E Clowee Kloie with him because he didn’t have a carseat… even though he was just with Jade’s parents who had said carseat. Oh, but don’t worry! Sean made sure to swipe a free sandwich a whopping 4 seconds after his arrival. 

In South Dakota, Chelsea consults yet another friend about the cell phone predicament. Unlike Laura, Ayla is less strict about the whole thing and says she allows her 12-year-old to have a phone to send texts and listen to music, which Chelsea seems on board with. 

Chelsea tells Cole she’s come around the idea of Aubree having a “heavily monitored” phone and Cole goes along with her, as if he knows how to do anything else. They both agree, however, that Aubree will have to buy the phone herself.

Chelsea also tells Cole about Aubree’s plans to ditch him and Adam at her father-daughter dance and Cole does his best to act like his feelings aren’t hurt. 

Meanwhile in the holler, it’s the day of the twinseses’ birthday. Leah picks them up from school in her cluttermobile and listens to them talk about their new cooling pillows, fingernails and headphones because apparently these are the things 10-year-olds are into today.

Leah says she can’t believe the twinses are “the big 10” and she just doesn’t know “how to fill about it.” Still, she gives an emotional speech about how thankful she is, all while the girlses rummage through their backpacks in the backseat, most likely looking for those headphones so they don’t have to listen to Leah yammer on. 

Later that night, Leah takes the girlseseses out to dinner along with her mom and sister and forces everyone to go around the table and share their favorite memories of the twinses. Addie goes first, loudly telling a story about Gracie talking to “her crush,” which embarrasses Gracie to the point that she hides under the table. 

Addie then redeems herself when she says her favorite thing about Ali is that “her disability ain’t taking her down away from living her life.” Leah then steals the spotlight and tells the twinses that they can learn from her mistakes, to which Gracie agrees – in so many words. 

Over in Florida, Briana receives word that the results of her STI test are in, so she calls “da clinic” to face the music. Before facing that music, however, she faces receptionist “Marilyn,” who may or may not moonlight as a phone sex operator on helium, based on the voice she’s using on the other end of the line. 

“Marilyn” informs Briana that her HIV and syphilis tests are both negative, as is her gonorrhea test. Unfortunately the good news ends there, as “Marilyn” tells Briana “the chlamydia portion” of her test was positive – unlike her recent experience with Luis.  

“Marilyn” goes over everything with Briana and Briana confirms that she’ll need to tell Luis so he won’t keep passing the STI to every girl desperate enough to sleep with him at da club. (Although exposing him on this show has probably done the trick.) 

Briana says Luis seems like the type to not really care about this sort of thing and who would only find out if the people he slept with caught something. Someone who does care in this particular situation, however, is Briana’s mom Roxanne, who upon hearing the news begins searching high and low for her trusty red heels. 

Briana tells her mom to calm down but Roxanne is fired up, accusing Luis of living a “reckless life,” while completely forgetting the fact that her daughter is also having unprotected sex at da club. (Just saying.) 

Later on, Briana tells Brittany her big news and Brittany tells her to be “very thankful it wasn’t HIV” and reminds her “you can’t trust nobody and that’s what condoms are for.” 

After ignoring Brittany’s advice to tell Luis to “go put bleach” on his “crusty d*ck,” Briana says this ordeal has pretty much killed whatever vibes she and Luis had going. She admits she’s afraid Luis will stop coming around out of embarrassment, but let’s be real… this man has a lot of stuff to be embarrassed about – and like other STIs (that he may or may not have) he might go away, but he’ll definitely come back. 

In Indiana, we’re back at the beauty school, where Jade’s grandma lets her know it’s been 25 minutes since Christy said she was en route, despite it only taking about 10 minutes to get from Jade’s house to Jade’s school. Sean then tells Jade (and the entire room full of people) that her parents were “going at it, like, going at each other’s throats” when he left. 

Wait a second. So this crooked-hat wearing, sandwich-eating bum didn’t think to remove his daughter from that toxic situation before cruising up to the neighbor’s yard to snag his baby mama some flowers and showing up to her graduation which he was already at least an hour late for?! 

Christy eventually answers her phone after a random friend of Jade’s calls from the school. After handing the phone off to Jade, Christy screams, “WE ARE ON OUR F**KING WAY!” Jade reminds her mom that she’s an entire hour late for her own daughter’s graduation, which Christy clearly feels bad about.  

Jade’s parents finally show up with her daughter, an hour and 20 minutes after she was scheduled to graduate. Jade walks and clocks out for the last time and is showered in confetti that Christy probably thought was for her in celebration of her fashionably late arrival.  

To read The Ashley‘s other ‘Teen Mom 2’ recaps, click here! 

(Photos: MTV)