Throw on a party hat, consume an alarming amount of caffeine and get ready to put your amateur crime-solving skills to the test; it’s time for another episode of Teen Mom 2! (Isn’t this recap’s title of “Two Birthdays, a Living Room Brawl and a Drug Pipe” the most ‘Teen Mom’-ish ‘Teen Mom’ recap title you’ve ever seen?! We just need some sort of court hearing to complete the ‘Teen Mom’ plotline trifecta!) 

We kick things off up ‘er in the holler with Leah. It’s almost Addie’s 7th birthday and Leah is hard at work putting plans together to make sure this hoedown throw-down blows all previous hootenannies out of the holler water.

Addie tells Leah she’s fixin’ to have herself a Paris-themed party, which is good for Leah, because she happens to already have a case of French’s mustard in her pantry that she can slather onto some corndogs or other assorted meats on a stick for the Parisian festivities. 

With Leah and Jeremy back to playing nice recently (aka humping like Javi and some rando in a downstairs bathroom), Leah wants the two of them to have a joint party for Addie instead to two separate celebrations. Actually, Jeremy is actually the one who mentions the idea to Leah first. 

Leah says the birthday bash will be held at Kidaroos, aka holler-party headquarters, and she and Jeremy chat about how excited Addie is to bounce around on the trampolines like an authentic Parisian girl while eating gobs of frosting and all the sugar substitute packets she can get her mitts on! 

Next we head up to Delaware, where Kail has given her mom, Smirnoff Suzi, a chance to redeem herself over a video call. Sadly, it turns into a heaping garbage fire, bursting into flames quicker than Kail’s PotHead Haircare products after being doused with gasoline on The Land.

Kail calls Mark Allen, Jr. over FaceTime to fill him in on what happened. 

Kail tells Mark (again) in order to welcome Suzi back into her life with open arms – or a friendly handshake, at least – Suzi can’t be boozie has to be sober. 

Kail goes on to talk about her blast-from-the-past friend Sterling, whom she stayed with in Texas while in town for her half-sister’s mom’s funeral. Kail is planning another trip to Texas to get her boys together with Sterling’s kids and she’s invited her sister and her baby to meet up with them as well. 

Kail says she’s somewhat hesitant to extend the invite because she doesn’t want to bring anyone into her boys’ lives that won’t stick around. 

Down in Florida, Nova is also celebrating a birthday soon and much to Briana’s dismay, a surprise guest has popped up to take part in the celebration. 

After going out to lunch with Devoin, Nova reveals that she met her grandma (Devoin’s mom). Briana tells Brittany she’d like Devoin to give her a heads up about stuff like this in the future. 

Wait…Nova’s like 10 and she’s just now meeting Devoin’s mother? Is the mom pals with Smirnoff Suzi or something? WTF? 

While Briana and Brittany are talking, Devoin texts Briana and Briana responds by asking him who he plans to bring with him to Nova’s birthday party the following day. Devoin runs through his list of RSVPs and mentions that his mom might come if she’s not working. Brittany says the more people that want to love Nova, the better, as long as they want to consistently be in her life. 

The next day, Nova is super excited about her party so naturally, Briana crushes some of that enthusiasm by asking a million questions about Devoin’s mom. 

Back in South Dakota, Chelsea is STILL harping about whether or not to give Aubree a cell phone. 

Seriously. Things are so boring in DeBoer Land that they have to stretch this pitiful storyline into two episodes. Just once I’d like to see Chelsea do something exciting. Briana and her bathroom banging escapades are really carrying this show at this point, guys.

Chelsea says she and Cole have decided to let Aubree get a phone (just as she mentioned last episode) but she’s kind of “freaking out” about it. She later lectures Aubree about the responsibilities of having a cell phone and tells her she wants to approve all of her contacts… Something Papa Randy probably wishes he would’ve done back in the day. That would have kept Adam away from Chelsea’s phone…not to mention her underaged no-no parts…

Once they get home, they crack open Aubree’s piggy banks and start counting cash before heading out to buy the cell phone that this show has spent entirely too much time focusing on. 

At the store, Cole gets the parental settings activated on Aubree’s phone as she pulls out and slams a stack of cash onto the counter like a mini-mob boss.  

Meanwhile, in Indiana, Jade is moving into her salon space and eager to start bringing in some cash of her own, given that she’s still the only employed adult within in her household…and, honestly, possibly her county. That soon changes after a fight breaks out at Jade’s house, causing Jade to kick Sean out, as well as her freeloading parents, Christy and Corey. 

When explaining what went down to her friend, Jade says Sean walked out of the bathroom, leaving “residue or something” on the counter. Sean told Jade he didn’t know what the substance was but Christy told Jade it looked like “some kind of drug residue.”  

Sean tried to blame the alleged drug residue on Christy; however, Christy and Corey revealed to Jade that they set up a security camera in their room (as all parents living rent-free in their children’s home do) and caught Sean “planting” a drug pipe. (I believe Christy on this one. I mean, we all know Christy and Corey probably aren’t going to be leaving any sort of residue on the sink. They don’t look like the type of people who waste a drop of the good stuff, ya know?)  

At this point, Jade says Sean threatened to kill Corey, knocking Jade to the ground in his fit of rage. Sean and Corey continued to fight ON TOP OF JADE, resulting in Sean bleeding everywhere and Corey breaking a rib.

The best part is that Jade tells this story like it’s an every day occurrence. She rattles off the tale of death threats and broken body parts like she’s going over her grocery list. 

Sadly none of this drug bust/human trashbag wrestling match was caught on tape. 

Seriously– MTV— you spend two episodes talking about Aubree’s cellphone but you can’t even capture the Kodak moment when these knuckleheads are legit rolling around on the drug-sprinkled ground and breaking each other’s ribs?! COME THE HELL ON.

Can we at least see the footage from Christy’s undercover bedroom cam? They owe us that at least for sitting through The Great Two-Episode Cellphone Caper! 

Jade says she eventually got out of the house, called the cops and made everyone leave. She tells her friend she wants her peace, wants her home back and wants to give her daughter a better life than what she had. Right now, she feels as though she’s failing her.

Girl…you are seriously the only stable and decent thing in your whole cornucopia of misfit methy moochers! Change the locks, throw all of their crap and assorted paraphernalia out into the street, pop some popcorn and watch them scavenger like vultures for their “residue.” Hell, in that town, you could probably even make some cold hard cash by selling tickets to neighbors to watch the show!

Meanwhile in West Virginia, Jeremy and his friend Cam discuss the upcoming Kidaroo party over drinks. Jeremy tells Cam that he and Leah are still getting along and now that they only hang out while fully clothed, things are better than ever. 

A couple of days before the party, Leah hypes Addie up, telling her, “me and daddy’s gonna have you a birthday party together.” Addie goes on to do a happy dance while singing about Leah and Jeremy getting married. Leah tells her she and Jeremy are not getting married, but Addie says Jeremy already has a ring so it has to happen. 

After much anticipation, the day of Addie’s trampoline Paris party finally arrives. Leah and Jeremy make their way to Kidaroos early to do what they can do transform a primary colored playroom into Paris in the spring.

After the kids have all jumped the Duncan Hines outta themselves, and each has been shipped home with a Paris-themed crap bag, Jeremy and Leah agree the party was a success.

Over in Delaware, Kail books her flight to Dallas and then sits Isaac and Lincoln down to tell them about their long-lost aunt. Kail explains that she and her sister have different moms. She eventually tells the boys it’s similar to their dads having other kids, and they finally get the hang of things.  

Later on, Kail gets a text and before revealing who it’s from, she calls Mark Allen, Jr. so he can listen to her vent instead of making her dog serve that purpose.

Speaking of dogs, Kail tells Mark Allen Jr. that her sister won’t be able to meet up with her in Dallas because she was bit by a dog. In the text, Kail’s sister makes it sound as though her injury is pretty severe; however, Kail is oddly smiling while reading the message to Mark.

Kail and Mark agree that it seems as though Kail’s sister is trying to avoid her and Kail is also bothered that her boys were looking forward to meeting their aunt and cousin. Kail says she likely won’t reach out to her sister again.

(By the way, Kail’s sister was not happy with how she was portrayed during this scene. Click here to read all about that!) 

We head back to Indiana, where Producer Kristen meets up with Christy and Corey on a random street in the middle of the night to talk about what happened at Jade’s house. (Thankfully, Producer Kristen is used to trashy in-home fights and these types of shenanigans, since she previously worked with Jenelle in the Swamp before taking over Jade’s segments.)

Christy then shows the video footage of Sean planting the drug pipe to Producer Kristen. 

Christy claims Sean set her and Corey up and that she and Corey left because they didn’t want to add to Jade’s stress.

Um…no, girl. Your “check is in the mail” butt got kicked the hell out. But nice try. 

Back in Florida, Devoin does a bang-up job wrapping Nova’s birthday gift while talking to his friend Dre about his mom recently resurfacing in Nova’s life. 

Meanwhile, Briana – wearing her trusty “Jurassic Park” ringer tee – is asked by the producers when she last saw Devoin’s mom. Briana says it’s been “a while” because Devoin’s mom “just went missing.” (Much like Briana’s child support money, apparently…)

She then reveals everything went south after she decided not to put Devoin’s name on Nova’s birth certificate, after which, she says Devoin’s mom said some very hurtful things. Now that Nova knows Devoin’s mom, Briana says it’s important for her to come to the party, regardless of what’s happened in the past. 

(Is anyone else shocked at how mature Briana is handling this situation? Roxanne is nowhere to be found, holding a shoe and bugging out her eyes, either, so that’s a real plus.) 

On the day of Nova’s party, Briana asks Devoin if he invited his mom or “if she wanted to come” after noticing that she has yet to show up. Devoin tells Briana he’s still unsure if his mom will be able to make it. Shortly after, Devoin’s mom, Charita, makes her way into the party, along with Devoin’s dad. 

Briana greets them both, as does Roxanne – thankfully without a heel in her hand. While Nova and her grandma takes some selfies, Roxanne tells Briana she’s “so happy for Nova;” however, Briana seems reluctant to welcome Nova’s other family members. During the party, Briana tells “Shirley” she doesn’t understand why Devoin’s parents have decided to come around now after not being in Nova’s life for nearly eight years. “Shirley” encourages Briana to confront Devoin about how she feels during the party, because no celebration is complete without presents, cake and at least one awkward confrontation. 

We head back one more time to Indiana (because, frankly, that’s the only action happening this episode). Producer Kristen meets up with Sean to find out what couch he’ll be leaving an indentation on for the foreseeable future. (The answer is Sean’s buddy, Mike‘s couch, FYI.) 

Sean says Jade thinks the drugs are his because Jade has caught him with drugs before, but Sean maintains he’s innocent. As for the video, he claims he was getting a phone charger out of Christy’s bedroom – not planting a dope pipe. 

This is like some trashy, drugged up version of the board game Clue. It was Sean, with the drug pipe in the bedroom!

Sean says the worst decision “they” made was to let Jade’s parents move in with “them.” 

Later on, Jade invites her parents over, though she makes it very clear that she’s still pissed off about what has gone down. Jade tells Christy she’s trying to focus on scheduling appointments and Christy interrupts to tell her she doesn’t like being blamed for something she didn’t do. 

Jade says she’s put in the middle between her parents and Sean a lot. Christy so generously offers to stay with Jade so she’s not in her house alone, to which Jade reminds Christy that she literally has nowhere else to go. 

That’s all for this episode! 

To read The Ashley’s previous ‘Teen Mom 2’ recap, click here! 

(Photos: MTV)