Put your feet in the stirrups and take a shot of Pitocin, because, on this episode of Teen Mom 2, we’re heading to the delivery room to watch the birth of yet another ‘Teen Mom’ oopsie baby! 

As y’all know, around here, we feel that “babies is beautiful” so The Ashley is extra-exciting to get to recappin’!

We kick off this ding-dang episode in the holler, where Leah‘s internationally knocked up sister, Victoria, is about ready to birth her baby. Sadly, Victoria’s (third) baby daddy, Roy-er is in Costa Rica and unable to come to the United States to watch his spawn spring from Victoria’s loins. She has Leah and the girlseses there, though, to support her. And, as always, Leah is more than happy to remind her sister that she is completely ALONE and that Roy-er won’t be able to be there.

Victoria’s fixin’ to have the baby expelled from her hooter via induction, so she and Leah have to wake up super early (damn near rooster crowin’ time, y’all!) to go to the hospital. 

The next morning, Ali’s foot is hurting her, but since there’s literally about to be a human being plowing through Victoria’s lady garden in a few hours, that takes priority. They head out to the hospital, and soon, Leah and Mama Dawn (but not Roy-er, as Leah reminds us again), are there watching Victoria get some Pitocin. 

Even though Victoria is lying in the bed, huffing a baby out, Leah is concerned about Ali’s injury, so she gets on the horn and calls up ‘er to Corey Tyler‘s house to discuss what happened. 

Leah makes plans to get an X-ray of Ali’s foot, while Mama Dawn is taking advantage of that free hospital Wi-Fi to update her MySpace profile to let her pals know she’s about to be a grandma again. 

By this point, the hospital room has filled with assorted family members/local hillbillies, so Leah regales the group with the tale of how Ali stubbed her foot recently. Victoria looks like she wants to yank out her placenta and throw it in Leah’s face for stealing her thunder. 

Victoria then suggested that maybe they could put them braces that Forrest Gump had on his legs on Ali. Forrest Gump!? I’m gonna go ahead and excuse Victoria and hope that this suggestion had some sort of pharmaceutical explanation. 

Forrest Gump!?!?!

Leah assures Victoria that her idea will not work, due to Ali’s type of muscular dystrophy. 

In South Dakota, Week 83 of Aubree’s cell phone storyline marches on, as Chelsea picks Aubree up from school and reveals she casually slipped Aubree’s digits to Adam’s mom, Grandma Donna. Upon hearing this news, Aubree is highly annoyed – much like we are, being forced to sit through yet another episode focused on Aubree’s freaking cell phone.  

MAKE.IT.STOP.

Aubree continues to groan like a bear from the backseat of the car so Chelsea tells her if she gets a text from anyone in the Lind family, Chelsea will do the dirty work and text Donna to let her know her own granddaughter doesn’t want to text and/or swap Tik Tok videos. Aubree tells Chelsea that will “be awkward.” 

“No it won’t,” Chelsea tells Aubree. “Cause I’ll be the bad guy for you, okay?” 

That’s a perfect plan. Good thing Grandma Donna will never see this conversation between Chelsea and Aubree and know it was actually Aubree who was hatin’ on her.

Oh…wait…

Down in Florida, Briana reveals that Stella’s dad Luis has yet to resurface after his time with Briana ended with a bang—and a round of antibiotics. On a more positive note, Briana says Nova has been spending more time with Devoin’s family and Briana has even managed to keep things civil with Devoin’s mom. In other words, no one has chucked a vase and/or a pair of discount high heels at anyone (at least not yet). 

“Shirley” comes by to sit on Brittany’s bed the couch and listen to Briana’s latest baby daddy drama, though she’s surprised to learn that Nova is getting ready to go to a sleepover at her other grandmother’s house and even more surprised to see Briana acting totally fine about it. 

After chatting with “Shirley” a bit more, Briana admits she’s a little suspicious as to why Devoin’s family has decided to get involved in Nova’s life after so many years; however, it does give her something to talk about on the show other than catching an STI, so she’s rolling with it. 

Um…perhaps Devoin’s family just realized that they can snag a free Applebee’s meal on the regular if they allow MTV to film their nonsense? That’s my best guess as to why their mugs are suddenly appearing on TV and in Nova’s life.

Briana tries to explain how she feels like about all this to “Shirley.” (Oh…and for those of you just joining this trainwreck, allow The Ashley to explain why puts Shirley’s name in quotes: it’s because she does not believe that’s really her name. She believes no one under 80 is named Shirley, and this chick is using the name as an alias because she’s too embarrassed to use her real name on the show.)

Next, we swing up to Delaware to check in with Kail. She’s telling Producer Patrick (who, let me say, is absolutely precious in this scene) that she’s angry that Javi has gone back on his promise to meet her halfway between their houses to exchange Lincoln. Producer Patrick seems to be preparing for another storyline-by-phone with one of Kail’s many wayward family members when all of a sudden Kail makes things way more interesting.

“And you’re gonna treat me like this?” Kail says about Javi. “Oh, really? Is that why tried to f**k me on Tuesday?! In the Wawa parking lot? While your girlfriend was home with your son?”

Patrick somehow keeps his head from exploding and is lapping up the scalding hot tea just as fast as Kail can pour it. He tells her to back up and give him all the juicy, Wawa-parking-lot-humping details!

Kail says that Javi was eager to put his, um, nozzle into her gas tank. 

“He pulled into the Wawa parking lot while I was getting gas. He was like ‘Hey, what’s up?’ And he opened [his car] door and was like, ‘I wanna f**k you, plain and simple.” 

Kail then reveals that there are, indeed, text messages from Javi where he’s trying to get Kail to bang it out in the backseat.

“You’re willing to come to f**k me but you won’t come to meet me to get your son!” Kail says. “Only if it benefits you in a sexual way.”

Kail then tells Producer Patrick that she informed Javi that she will be filming and that she plans to put him on blast because he pissed her off. Javi asks Kail if she’s “calm” (good one) or if she “said something crazy on-camera.”

Finally, we head to Indiana to see what Jade and her parade of useless family members is up to. Sean has taken to couch surfing, while Jade’s parents (and their possibly planted  “drug pipes”) are still shacking up in Jade’s house. Jade tells us that Ma and Pa have yet to help her out as they promised they would.

I’ll give you a moment to recover from your shock…

Since Jade’s parents are still sleeping (it off), she has to take Klo-i to daycare. (However, in Jade’s neck of the woods, “daycare” is apparently some sort of house/shack that has random ripped-up fences and broken leftover holiday decor strewn about the yard.) As soon as they pull up to “daycare,” Klowiii starts bawling. This is, of course, totally understandable because if I had to stay at this place, I’d cry too. 

Later, at “Hair Slayed by Jade,” Jade is doing her friend’s hair while explaining how hard it is to drop Chlowey off at the daycare campground place. Her friend is shocked that Jade’s parents don’t watch the kid “no more,” but Jade explains it’s because they stay up all night and then sleep all day. 

“No one wants to work, they just want to lay around and have someone take care of them,” Jade says of her reject relatives. “Sean don’t wanna work neither!” 

Jade said she’d have more respect for Sean if he would just admit that the “drug pipe” from last episode was his, instead of trying to lie about it. 

Back in West Virginia, they are literally about to break Victoria’s water but Leah is still talking about Ali’s foot. Victoria does not look happy (which makes sense since she’s about to expel a child and all). 

They call up Roy-er to let him know the “water has been broke” and Leah encourages Roy-er to whisper soothing sweet-nothings “in Espanol” to help Victoria through the pain. Mama Dawn and Leah gather ’round to listen to a quick Spanish lesson courtesy of Roy-er.

Soon, the doctor puts Victoria in a birthing position: legs up and apart. (That’s also known as Victoria’s ‘vacationing in Costa Rica’ position!) After literally one push, Baby Green Card Cai has been birthed!

Mama Dawn is capturing the Kodak moment on her Jitterbug phone so Roy-er can watch as Leah cuts the umbilical cord. 

Meanwhile in South Dakota, Chelsea and Cole meet up with Grandma Donna at a gas station to do the handoff with Aubree, since it’s the Linds’ weekend with her. 

Upon greeting Grandma Donna, Aubree shows off her new phone, as if she didn’t just throw an entire fit over Grandma Donna having her phone number. 

Later at the DeBoer cabin, the little kids spin around in the living room while Chelsea and Cole have another discussion about Aubree’s phone.

STOP.THE.MADNESS.

I’ll bet Grandma Donna is thrilled she doesn’t have to have Aubree’s phone number because that will keep her from having to listen to this drivel. 

Chelsea asks Cole if he thinks Aubree will have Adam’s digits saved in her contacts when she gets back from Grandma Donna’s, to which Cole says he doesn’t care know. Chelsea and Cole agree they’ll both be highly annoyed if Adam begins contacting Aubree now that she has her own phone after making zero effort to contact her in the past.  

Over in Florida, Briana and Red Pump Roxy pack up Nova’s sleepover bag and drive her to Devoin’s mom’s house. On the ride there, Nova asks Briana when she first met Devoin’s family and she is shocked to hear that her other grandparents were at the hospital when she was born. Nova goes on to ask when she last saw her grandparents (prior to her birthday party) and Briana tells her it’s been about eight years – a response that is met with total silence. 

Once they arrive, Briana and Roxanne walk Nova into the house and as they get back into their car to drive off, Roxanne starts crying tears of joy. 

The day after Nova’s sleepover, Briana receives a call from the school letting her know that Nova is crying for her, so she ends up picking Nova up early. Nova tells Briana and Roxanne she was crying because she’s not used to Devoin’s family dropping her off. Briana wants Nova to get used to being around Devoin’s family, though she admits later that Nova just isn’t comfortable with those family members yet. 

Later on, Devoin, his mom and his sister stop by to drop off some of Nova’s things. During their visit, Briana talks about what happened at school and both sides agree it’s going to take some time for Nova to get used to her “new normal.” Before Devoin’s family leaves, Nova tells her grandma she wants to sleep over at her house again sometime, which Briana believes to be a good sign. 

Back in West Virginia, it’s a few days after Baby Cai’s birth, so Leah brings Ali to the hospital to meet the baby before going to get her foot X-rayed. 

Leah tells us it’s been hard for her to support Victoria (who, remember, has nobody and is all alone), while managing the care of Ali and the other girlseseses (and still finding time to go down to whatever Lil’ Shop ‘o’ Horrors did her witch nails). 

The rest of Leah’s segments are about Ali’s struggle to walk and her fall, which isn’t funny at all, so we’ll just skip right along here…

Back in Delaware, Javi takes a break from his parking lot prowling to hang out with Lincoln and Isaac (on-camera). Later, Kail tells her friend that Javi snubbed her when she tried to say goodbye to him at Lincoln’s practice, and even Isaac picked up on the awkwardness. Kail believes it was due to the fact that Javi’s girlfriend, Lauren, was in the car.

Kail said that response was a big change from his attempts to touch her cooter in the Wawa parking lot. She’s angry that he’s so flip-floppy to her, and says that he has to be honest with Lauren if he ever wants her and Lauren to get along.

Back in Indiana, Sean calls Jade to see if she wants to meet up at the Wawa how she’s doing. She tells him that she’s still angry at him, and Sean still insists that the drugs weren’t his.

Sean says he wants to see the video proof Jade’s mom Christy claims to have of him planting the drug stuff in her drawer. Jade admits she’s never seen the video, and Sean says that he doesn’t believe there is a video.

He then says it’s no fair that he’s “being penalized” (aka not being allowed to mooch) when he didn’t do “nothing.”

Well, except breaking her dad’s ribs. But other than that…

Jade allows Sean to come over so they can talk. She then tells us she doesn’t know who to believe— her parents or Sean— because they’re all lying losers. She decides she will make Sean pass a drug test to determine if she will continue letting him to be in her and Clloowie’s life. 

The next day, Jade slops some sort of “Helper” on Klowiee’s highchair tray and prepares to talk to Sean. He walks in the house (eyeing Kloyi’s highchair slop hungrily) and proceeds to plead his case to Jade. 

She then informs Sean that she would like him to take and pass a drug test.

He agrees, and takes the test into the bathroom. (Hopefully she frisked him before he went in to make sure he didn’t take a bunch of Klowyee’s diapers to wring out into the pee cup.)

He emerges proudly from the commode with his pee cup and hands it to Jade. She tries to figure out if it’s a positive or negative result. It reveals that Sean passed, and Sean seems relieved (and pretty shocked) to hear the news. 

Jade tells Sean she’s happy to hear he’s clean.

Sean seems upset when he learns that Jade wants him to continue living somewhere else (aka “couch mooching”) until her parents get the boot. 

That’s all for this episode! To read The Ashley’s recap of the previous episode of ‘Teen Mom 2,’ click here!

(Photos: MTV)